Newbie, Long time, long rant..

[h0neyface]

So the story is.. my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 7 years. I live in Canada and he is in Florida. We met online and last time we saw each other was about a year and a half ago. We've kept communication via MSN/Skype/Couple almost everyday for the last 7 years, and on normal days we are great. I'm 28 and he is 32.. The first time we met each other in person was the most amazing, wonderful experience of my life. Since then I've tried to see him as often as I could, usually about once a year. He has only been up here once. He is everything to me and literally everything I ever wanted in a partner.

The problem is that he still lives at home with his parents, along with his older mentally challenged brother, and they pretty much depend on him for everything. Back when we first met online in 2007 he was in college and living in his parents house, and taking care of his brother, while his parents lived off at a military base I believe. When his dad was diagnosed with cancer and retired, his parents moved back in. My boyfriend stopped working and put school and pretty much his whole life on hold and since then they have gotten use to depending on him for everything.

Fast forward to today and he does all the chores, grocery shopping, manages their bills, and drives them everywhere. His older brother has the mind of an 8 year old so he does everything for him as well. I understand his dad has/ had cancer but he is more than able bodied to drive and do things on his own, and his mom (imo) is somewhat of a diva and can't drive herself to her own hair and nail appointments because apparently she has cataracts and can't remember how to drive. She is also demanding and dictates everything everyone does, and she involves him in all her drama/ quabbles she has with his siblings and other people. He is the youngest in his family, and his older siblings have managed to escape her wrath, and they've talked to me about this and know that he gets depressed. His older sister and adult niece have also depended on him in the past as he is always there to bail them out of their troubles. His parents are in their late 60's now and they just keep getting older.. what is he going to do then?! :/ I guess they support him financially in return for all the crap they put him through, but I don't feel it's worth it at all. He says to me that he wishes he could just take off, and is just tired of it all. Sometimes I can't help but feel so much anger towards them all.

I want to have a life together but at this point there are no plans whatsoever. I've since graduated and am working, but this year I decided to go back to college a second time around while working part time.. just thought I could possibly improve my job prospects so I could possibly move down there, but now I don't know if my plan is working for the better, not to mention I get so distracted and worried about this while trying to concentrate on school and work, and it seems I'm just wasting more time and money. All I want is for us to be together or to at least know it will eventually work out, but he gives me no reassurance except "we'll figure it out".. but when??! I just feel like he just puts his own life and I second to his parents and the rest of his family. I want to be with him more than anything but the pain of waiting this long and not knowing what is going to happen is so hard. I try so hard to be patient but soo much time has passed and it just keeps on ticking...

I was planning to go visit him in May but I don't have a place to stay. We use to stay at his sister's place but since then she has moved to another state. His parents won't let me stay at their place and I can't afford a hotel for more than a few days, and visiting for a few days just doesn't make up for how long we are always apart. So I asked him to come up here to see me instead. Every time I suggest this, his answer is always we'll see or maybe.. and then I'll wait a few months in anticipation and just end up being disappointed.. which his excuse is always he can't because he has to do things for his parents.. sometimes i feel like he can if he really wanted to and then I blame myself like he doesn't love me enough or have any motivation to come see me.. he gets mad at me for thinking that way and says that I don't understand.. then I go on crying and asking how are we going to have a life together and he says he's stuck. He never wants to think about it or talk about it. and we get into an argument/go into depressed mode like we are currently.. eventually we make up after a few days but this has been the cycle since he last came up to visit me back in '09. Every time I bring up coming up here to see me, this seems to happen.

Sometimes I can't decide whether to feel bad for him or that he just needs to man up and take control of his own life. I feel helpless because there's only so much I can do to help him, though I'm really willing to do anything I can. At this point, I just want to be able to see each other again!! After a year and a half of being apart, I don't think that's too much to ask for. Thanks to whoever kept reading to this point. Any encouragement advice would be much appreciated. I've actually been meaning to post something on here for years now. I just miss him so much and felt like I finally needed to rant somehow cause I'm just so sad and frustrated once again. (

[Blaine]

Welcome to LFAD! And I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. Sounds like you have really endured a lot for this relationship. I was in a somewhat similar situation with my ex, it wasn't long distance at first but I barely got to spend any weekends with him because he was so tied down to his parents. I never met any of his family the 5 years we were together but similar to your boyfriend, my ex was the one they always called whenever they needed something (if they had an argument, he had to drive home 2+ hours, if they wanted someone to buy them dinner, he had to go, etc., you name it). When our relationship did turn into long distance, he kept making the same excuses about not coming to see me - he also said "we'll see" and "it'll happen" but he didn't come out until almost 2 years after I'd been away.

Right now, it sounds like your boyfriend's family is his top priority. There may be nothing wrong with that but unfortunately, for you, that means you get put on the back burner. I think you should really sit down with your boyfriend and have an honest conversation about where things are going and outline some set dates/goals. Doesn't have to be set in stone, but at least have a clear picture of where things are going. My ex didn't start shaping up and taking command (separating himself from his parents) until it was too late. I started giving up after 4 years and after that, no matter what he did, I didn't care enough anymore. You have stuck through this for so long and I commend you for your patience! Now it should be your boyfriend's turn to at least sit down with you and discuss. I don't like to recommend ultimatums but sometimes just mentioning the possibility of one is enough to get the ball rolling and encourage the other person to shape up.

Anyway, I hope everything works out for you two and welcome again!

[Photonut]

Right now, it sounds like your boyfriend's family is his top priority. There may be nothing wrong with that but unfortunately, for you, that means you get put on the back burner. I think you should really sit down with your boyfriend and have an honest conversation about where things are going and outline some set dates/goals. Doesn't have to be set in stone, but at least have a clear picture of where things are going.

I fully agree with what Blaine said. You need to sit down and have a conversation about were this relationship is going. After 7 years of LDR you should have a plan in place by now.

[BabyGund]

Hi and to LFAD!

I agree you two need to sit down, but I'd ask you to tread carefully. This is his family and he loves them and feels some obligation to them. And remember even if you close the distance, his family would still be a part of the new life you create together.

I think your SO feels stuck. And I wonder if he's looked into some of the services that may be able to help his family -- a caregiver for his brother? Assisted living? You say you can't stay at his parents' house for a visit...if you two decide to marry, would you be moving into that situation? Could his parents go to assisted living and you two continue to care for the brother?

My point is there are answers and options available. Your SO really needs to look into some of these options.

[h0neyface]

Thank you all for the welcomes!

I feel a lot better now.

I feel a bit embarrassed and probably shouldn't have said some of the things above about his family and was just in a bitter mood writing it. His mom is actually very nice to me and has welcomed me like her own daughter despite their family seeming closed off, so I'm very thankful for that. His dad I haven't spoken to as much. He is very quiet and stays in their backyard and when I'm there it's usually just a friendly hello and goodbye. He is uncomfortable with having outsiders in their home which is why I can't stay in their home if I go to visit. What frustrates me more is that they don't see that my bf also needs to do things for himself.

One thing I forgot to mention is that we met on a social anxiety website. I have improved and grown quite a bit over the years (with him being my main motivation), while he didn't get a chance to do this and focus on himself like I was able to. So he still has a bit of apprehension coming here and visiting with my family. He also has difficulty talking about his concerns with his parents and just does whatever they ask of him. His parents are completely able to do things on their own, they are only in their 60s.. just gotten use to being completely dependent on him over the years. Now that I think of it, he has probably just gotten comfortable this way as well. I've suggested to him to maybe take an online course or work part time to slowly get back into things. I just feel like now is his chance to stand up for himself, start doing things and planning our future before it's too late.

I've showed him your suggestions and he definitely agrees that we need to set some goals and start seriously thinking about things. So that is a little glimmer of a breakthrough.. thank you!!

We've talked more about when we'll see each other next and says he can't be away for more than a couple weeks at a time, so he is planning out how he can come see me in April for a week or two and then maybe again in the summer.. which I was very happy to hear.. As for the future.. for now it's one day at a time I guess..

Thanks again for all your input!