Morning blues, too much thinking and in desperate need of advice!

[charly]

I don't know what to do anymore. I am so stuck in thinking, and re-thinking, that by now I am not sure what I feel anymore, and what is imagined. So I need your help. I am not so good in writing an elaborate text, so if you feel like some more details are needed to understand the story, feel free to ask.

For about a year now my SO and I have been going through a rough patch. It all started just gradually, with him growing more insecure about his future (He was in his final year of his bachelors, wanted to take a year off), and me having more and more difficulties with the distance. We have had so many talks about this. And basically the conclusion is that we will not be able to close the distance anytime soon.

I was expecting him to start looking for a job here, or a master, since he had been talking about doing so after our first year of relationship. But then I noticed he seemed less and less excited about doing so, and about 4 months ago he finally told me that he hates being in my country, and he feels like he would never be able to build up his life here. On top of that he had grown so overloaded with all the pressure of uni, and me pressuring him (unknowingly!) in to coming here, that he became depressed.

I then told him that I wasn't expecting him to actually move to Holland, to start his live here. I was just hoping he would spent a longer period of time here so that we could experience the feeling of living together without an ending date (We have been living together for 3 months a few times, but always with ending date and no pressure from uni.) I told him I was sorry for pressuring him, and I was understanding that he had no clue about his future. (I just really can't take the distance anymore, I am a person in big need of a lot of pysical attention.)

Well, that is a while ago, and his doubting is affecting our relationship so badly, that by know I am wondering if I am truly still in love with him, or with the idea of having him. (I realise this sounds weird. I am completely in love with his country, with his parents, but because I have been thinking so much about us, I cannot tell anymore if I am still madly in love with him, or just with him being around. We have grown very comfortable, and he truly is my best friend. I would hate to lose his friendship. Problem is that I am not always sure anymore I see him as more of a friend. And the more I think, the more confused I get. )

This schoolyear I started studying architecture, and I am making days from 8 in the morning till 12 at night at the faculty. This is breaking me up, and I have no energy left at all by now. It is however my absolute dream study, and the good grades come easily. But as you understand, every time he visits I am stressed out over a deadline, or just too exhousted. So we end up doing what we have been doing for the past months: cuddle, watch movie, sleep.

Last weekend we had a long talk again. He told me he was scared of the idea of living with me.
And I don't know what to do anymore. He is now in the position to take a step, for a temporarily fix (I feel we need a lot of fixing), while I will be studying here for another 2,5 year. By then we have done 6 years of long distance, and I just can't take it anymore. I noticed I start thinking more and more that I started this too young. That I am changing, and that he is changing, but we aren't changing in the same direction.

So. This became much longer than intended, so sorry! I joke to my SO from time to time that I really need girl-friends instead of just guys. Guess thats true I really don't know what to do! Are we fixable? Have you had something similar? Am I being realistic to hold on to this?
Thanks!

[Chlo]

Hey there!

I'm sorry about your current situation, I know the distance is difficult.
As for the rest of it, I think you just need to really think about what you're doing.
If you don't love him anymore, it's not fair to keep him just because you feel comfortable. On the other hand, some people will say that you 'choose' to love someone. I'm not really sure which is true.
I have been in a similar situation in the past, it's a really difficult thing to try and figure out, but it just takes time. You'll eventually know what you want.

I'm sorry if I'm not much help!
Best of luck.

[differentcountries]

It is natural to distance yourself if he is having doubts. Plus you must be exhausted with that kind of work load. Have you talked about the reasons he "hate" your country? What exactly does he dislike? I mean some things are fixable or he could grow accustomed to them. Does he know the language?

[BabyGund]

If you're 21 and you've been in an LDR for 6 years, you probably ARE growing apart and that's totally natural. You are maturing from teenagers into young adults and with that comes a lot of change and new experiences. It may be time for a break.

[piratemama]

If you're 21 and you've been in an LDR for 6 years, you probably ARE growing apart and that's totally natural. You are maturing from teenagers into young adults and with that comes a lot of change and new experiences. It may be time for a break.

She's right here that we do change as we grow older. However, that may not be the case with you. I always say that if you don't know what to do, don't do anything yet. You don't have to rush to make any decisions about your relationship. Give it a bit of time; something may make your mind up for you. Also, be careful not to overthink which is easy to do in an LDR. Love isn't easy, and even real love will have times of doubt. That mushy-gushy feeling doesn't always hang around. Real love is a choice, but you shouldn't stay in a relationship that is wrong for you, either. That's not fair to either of you. Hope something comes along to help you know for sure what is right. I'm sorry things aren't going well for you two.

[charly]

If you're 21 and you've been in an LDR for 6 years, you probably ARE growing apart and that's totally natural. You are maturing from teenagers into young adults and with that comes a lot of change and new experiences. It may be time for a break.

No, I meant that in three years, when we will be able to close the distance, we have been 6 years LD. Right now we are 2 year and 7 months LD, we started dating when I was 18, and he was 20.

@differentcountries: He really doesn't like all the stress here in Holland. Everyone is always running, hurrying, and there is no nature around like he is used to. I must say, I don't like my country either. Unfortunately he hasn't learned much of the language yet. It's not really needed, since everyone speaks English anyways. I had a long talk with him yesterday, and eventually he realised that there was simply no future at all if he wouldn't at least try what it is like to be CD. I think that is what causes all the problems to begin with. I just really need to know if we are capable of having a 'normal' relationship, instead of the enormous highs and lows a LDR brings.

Anyways, he told me he was going to put his studies on hold for a year, and try to live here for a longer period of time. He has said this before, but I have reason to believe this time he means it. I don't really let myself believe it. I am glad at least that he sees that his lack of dessicion making is affecting me, and us badly.

Thanks for the advise!

[arizonamyrie]

Your university curricula sounds almost exhausting to me! It makes sense that both of you could be a little fatigued from it. I just finished a degree a year and a half ago, and though I was considering a masters as well at first, I came to the conclusion that a little rest and chance to earn income will be helpful too at this point in my life.

I know you mention that closing the distance again might help, and it's worth a shot, but I wonder if there is also some burnout from both of your university degrees affecting you both. While it seems like a good idea to take a year off from school to recover, being this far in, there is a good chance that you or he might not go back to the degree after that year. I have seen it a lot with friends who took time off, took a job, and just stayed at that job. Is there a possibility for either of you to take fewer classes, or have him take some online classes for his coursework? Perhaps since he is staying with you a bit, his university would accept classes from yours as well and consider it a study-abroad type of program for him. There are options beyond just taking time off from school, even if it means cutting down classes as far as you can, and schools today seem to be more than willing to work with students in these situations.

The other thought that occurred to me too for your SO's situation can be to culture shock of being in Holland versus being in Sweden. You say the culture there is fast paced and lacks the outdoors that he enjoys. Keep introducing him to people that could be friends and a surrogate family for him as well, introduce him to more of your favorite parts of living in Holland, especially some of the slower-paced things. Then there is always perhaps getting out of the city for a day or two here and there if that is possible. I am sure there is still some outdoor beauty somewhere near you he could enjoy. I'm not as familiar with how country to country immigration and employment happens in the EU as I am in the US, but if you don't like Holland that much either, is there a possibility of even choosing a country in between such as Germany or something that could be a fun compromise between the two?

Anyway, good luck! Sounds like you both have a good foundation to work on at least, and that is always the best way to start.