worried about the good things happening in my job

[Anonymous2]

I recently received a pretty sizable raise at my job. It was fantastic; I took myself out to lunch and spent the rest of the day feeling pretty happy. Last night I started to get really mellow while skyping my SO and was still feeling down this morning (weather isn't helping), but I couldn't figure out why. After a lot of thinking I think I've figured it out, but am not sure if I'm being completely irrational.

My SO has been mentioning recently that we may have to extend the amount of time we're LD and I'm worried that this pay raise will keep us from closing the distance. It already won't work from a financial standpoint for me to move up there with him (which is why we're LD in the first place). If he has to stay up there even longer, and I'm in an even better place with my job...isn't it kind of irresponsible for me to quit and move up there with him if the distance gets to be too much? I almost feel like I'm obligated to stay here because I'm in a really good place with my career, and that makes me sad.

Am I being crazy?
(feel free to tell me I am, but be gentle...having to face being LD for longer than I thought is really hard, as I'm sure some of you know all too well)

[kimmidyann]

I don't think you're being crazy at all. This is a really tough situation to be in and I can't even imagine being in it. That being said, you guys really want to be financially well off or at least stable when you two close the distance so that you don't have to worry about that aspect. You will be worrying about quite a few other stressors that come with closing the distance, and it could be tough to have money issues on top of that. Secondly, you do not want to subconsciously start to resent him. What I mean by that is, you're obviously very successful in your job. If you move too soon after your raise, you may wonder where else you could have gone in that job. Or if money starts to get hard you might find yourself thinking, "Well I would have had more money if I had just stayed home a little longer." You may love your partner, but stress can get to everyone and you don't want to find yourself resenting the move in any way. The nice thing about raises is that it means more money. Is there any way you can save the money you earn to take a trip there and see him? This may help with wanting to close the distance too soon.

In the end, it is your choice. If you want to be with him after waiting for so long it is understood by us all. If you want to try to become more financially stable or wait until he can move to you, that is totally fine and you may find yourself less stressed and more financially stable. Best of luck.

[Moon]

I don't think you're obligated to stay, but I think it's a pretty good idea. You're getting to an age where you can't just quit and run away whenever you want to, responsibilities and career goals start creeping in, and they have to be paid attention to also. Once you hit adulthood, finances become very important, and you can't just up and leave without a similar job waiting for you there, no matter how hard your LDR is. I mean, you COULD, but you might not be able to line up an opportunity that's nearly as good for your future, which is equally as important as a relationship. If you want to move, you need to take the time to see what's available to you out there, find a job first, then you can go. It's not easy, but it certainly can be done. Good luck.

[arizonamyrie]

I couldn't help but notice that we are in somewhat similar situations, finances and career preventing us from both getting together with our SO's, so I hope you don't mind some encouragement from another one of us.

First, congratulations on the raise! You mention that there was a let down afterwards when you realized you were more committed to the position now than you were before -- this is actually a perfectly natural response. While it is a good thing to have happened, it also can be worrysome. Others have mentioned that finances and career are important at this stage in our lives, and they very much are, so perhaps I can help with another side of this. Yes, you may have to extend the time the two of you are apart, but you now are in a better place to eventually receive him when it is time to close that gap. You have a better position, income, influence at work that can help him get a job near you as well, if not even have to support him a bit while looking for work should that happen. Your raise at work means better financial stability, and a better base to work from when the time comes to close that gap.

And I can relate to the frustration of having to see that time to close the gap extend as I have been in the same spot many times as well. We're nearing 6 years here, and we have friends that are on somewhere around 12, though they are international. In my own relationship the original plan had been 1 year, then it extended to the end of my degree, and then 3 years after, and now we don't know when we'll be able to close it. It could be him being forced up here soon or me eventually getting a job by him. It's never fun to have to extend that time, but at least with Skype it makes it easier, extra income is nice for gifts or affording a small vacation to visit him or support him if he can come to you.

So, despite the distance, you're actually in a better spot than you think. Breathe, relax, smile, and enjoy a Skype date. In the greater scheme of things, you're doing okay, and that's a good thing. Hope this helps!

[differentcountries]

I don't think it is irrisponsible either way. It is natural to want more money , it is natural to want to close the distance. I know little of your career possabilities of moving to your so and vice verca. I think keeping options open is always a good idea in a LDR. Weigh different options along the line. For now, just enjoy your raise and the good things happening. And a raise means you have more money to spend on him, too!

[Anonymous2]

Thanks for all the encouragement and great advice. I think it would be a good idea to dwell on the positive for the time being and let myself be happy in the moment. Aside from having to give up a career to move to where he is, there's also the potential that he'll get accepted to school in a different state not long after that so it makes much more sense to stay here and save up as much as I can until that happens. It just seemed weird to me that I could still get mellow in light of something really awesome.

I really appreciate the support. It has definitely helped my outlook and overall mood.

[piratemama]

In the end, it is your choice. If you want to be with him after waiting for so long it is understood by us all. If you want to try to become more financially stable or wait until he can move to you, that is totally fine and you may find yourself less stressed and more financially stable. Best of luck.

Yes, this is right on. You have to weigh your pros and cons of staying with your job or moving to him sooner. Which is better for the two of you? It is a hard decision, I'm sure. At my age, I've become less concerned with accumulating assets. I know I'd run to my SO, if it was ok on his end. Have you talked openly with him? When you make your decision, remember life is short. Think about being old with your SO, sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch, and discussing your lives together. What would you regret the most? Would you regret not being together sooner, or would you regret not having more financial stability before getting together? Good luck. I know it's a tough position to be in.