Money Troubles: family or Last visit to SO

[aojeda50]

Ever since I came back from my visit to see my SO last August I have been putting money aside each paycheck to buy my next plane ticket. I have a decent amount saved up now. I new that once I got my tax return I'd definitely be able to go and buy it when the time came this summer.But earlier today I came with a huge crossroads, at least for me.
My dad asked me when I was going to make a payment for our dentist bill. On top of that, he is also asking me to give him a portion of my tax return. I should also mention, that he hasn't a job for almost two years now. He keeps applying and looking, but no luck has come his way yet.
My sister and I give my parents money every month to help pay bills and food and I am more than happy to help my family when it comes to that. It's a good thing that my mother has a job babysitting now. It helps. BUt of course it's not like how it was before.
I love my family, i really do.......but is it so horrible and selfish if I want to use this money to see my SO. I want to say no to my dad, I mean I would at least give him something to help, but not as much as he's expecting.
I was doing a lot of thinking before and I came to the conclusion that this would most likely be my last visit. After this time, I want to get all my bills paid off and my credit card as well. This way, when the time comes, I will be able to start my life with him on a clean financial state.
This is very difficult for me to make this decision. I've asked a couple friend, but they haven't given me much help.
On the bright side, at least I'll see him in April. He bough he ticket to visit.

[differentcountries]

Your boyfriend is your family, too. It is ok to spend some of your money on him and your relationship.

[Hollandia]

If you know you will see him in April and it is that upsetting to hurt your Dad then I would offer what I could to my parents. You are going to be closing the distance soon right? Once you do, how will your parents cope then? This would be my one last helping hand to them, but make sure they understand once you move to Italy you will no longer be able to help them. It is March in a few days, so one month imo, is not that hard to wait, if you giving your parents this last time will really help them.

LDRs are full of sacrifices like this. You just need to figure out which one will hurt you less.

[squeeker]

If you know you will see him in April and it is that upsetting to hurt your Dad then I would offer what I could to my parents. You are going to be closing the distance soon right? Once you do, how will your parents cope then? This would be my one last helping hand to them, but make sure they understand once you move to Italy you will no longer be able to help them. It is March in a few days, so one month imo, is not that hard to wait, if you giving your parents this last time will really help them.

LDRs are full of sacrifices like this. You just need to figure out which one will hurt you less.

I like your advice Hollandia, I would like to say the same thing. I read this post earlier today but then had to go. You have to find a way to minimize the hurt. If you will be seeing your SO in April anyways then it might be nice to at least give some of the money to your dad and help them. Especially if you are planning on moving away soon to be with your SO, I like the way Hollandia put it, as a last sort of 'helping hand' and I feel like you might feel guilty if you just didn't help them out.. after all they are your parents and raised you.

I get the financial pressure thing. I have been seen as the 'saver' when it comes to my family.. and there have been a good few times when I've given my family money. I just feel so bad when I have money in my bank account and someone in my family needs money.. it's the same with my SO and we both help each other out when we can if the other needs help. I gave my sister money for her car insurance before I went on a trip to see my SO so I had less spending money when I got there than I would've. But I don't regret it. It was better than seeing my sister crying because it expired soon and she couldn't pay for it right away and needed to get to work, and she's a delivery driver so it's more.. and my SO's finances are really tied with his dad so he can't save money very well.. (and this financial pressure is what made both of us make the decision to go back to uni and we both found degree pathways that would lead to a career that we would like so hopefully that will help us get a better job and save better).

It's hard.. I think if anything you should try and give some money to your parents, and really see how much you need to go to see your boyfriend.. though since you are seeing him in April, it's not as crucial.. though I know how much it sucks.. but you have to make the decision that you won't regret.. probably make some sort of compromise that will leave you feeling good. I'm not sure how good you'd feel on your visit if you knew your parents were struggling because you couldn't help them out.. even though I also know how much a visit with the SO can be distracting.. you might not be able to enjoy it if you don't help your parents at all.. just something to think about.

[differentcountries]

Just wondering... Do you plan on helping your parents financially after you move?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Your boyfriend is your family, too. It is ok to spend some of your money on him and your relationship.

Yes, and he is also your future. Certainly, help your parents as you can, but don't feel guilty about spending money and time for your relationship with your boyfriend. If you give it all to your parents, and none to your relationship, you might regret it, and even resent it.

[ethelynn]

Is your dad expecting you to give him the money or did he ask for some money from you? After helping for paying for bills and food every months and having depts and bills of her own and managing to save up little by little, I don't know. To me, family is important and I'd want to help them, but as my SO is also part of my family and my future, it would depend on some factors, like what did he expect you to give him the money for (except for dentist), when are you moving to your SO (is there a set date and how soon?) and when were you planning to have this last trip?

[aojeda50]

I'm not closing the distance any time soon. As of now I have been saving to go visit him for a month in Septermber, that is of course assuming I will have enough money to buy the ticket.

-Ethelynn, My dad is expecting me to and did ask me yesterday to contribute. "Don't forget about us". that is what he told me after bringing up the dentist bill.

I will help out my family, no doubt about that .I just don't want to give too much away to sacrifice seeing my SO for what probably will be the last time I see him for a while

[Laural007]

If you contribute to the bills monthly and purchase food for the family then I would pay the portion of my dental bill and tell your father that you worked hard all year and that your award for that sacrifice would be to visit your SO. If you still feel like you need to give your father some of your taxes I would give a small portion of it, maybe a 1/4 of my taxes or less.

[snow_girl]

If you live at home then I think you need to def need to pay for your dentist. How much is a portion of your return? If it's a couple hundred and your parents aren't making that much money then I think it's fair that he ask you to help contribute to the household. It is probably still cheaper then if you were living on your own.

[ethelynn]

I would make the trip to my SO as cheap as possible and give the rest of the money to my parents. You already contribute every month and now some extra, but that doesn't mean that you can't do something for yourself, especially if you aren't closing the distance and won't be meeting for a long time after this.

[Hollandia]

Her SO is coming in April regardless if I am correct?

And do you live at home or on your own? If you live at home, well that is like room and board and not really just helping out. I paid my parents room and board when I moved back as an adult for a few years to save up money because room and board is hella cheaper than paying your own rent and utilities.

If you are on your own then you give what you feel comfortable giving.

[Hollandia]

If you live at home then I think you need to def need to pay for your dentist. How much is a portion of your return? If it's a couple hundred and your parents aren't making that much money then I think it's fair that he ask you to help contribute to the household. It is probably still cheaper then if you were living on your own.

If the SO lives with her parents, that changes everything in my book.

Unless her parents would be taking the cost of rent and utilities than yes it is most definitely cheaper living with them and they are most likely saving her a fortune. Average rent around my area in USA for a small one bedroom in a relatively safe area is around 800 a month. Average utilities for phone, cable, electric is another couple hundred. Average room and board if you rent a room is around 300 dollars, sometimes plus a portion of utilities. Then you have to buy your own groceries and pay your own insurances.

If she lives her own, then she is just being a kind and generous daughter and helping out her family. If she lives under their roof, it is simply paying her share.

[Carol]

I understand you are in a difficult situation.
I think you should talk about it with your boyfriend, hear his opinion. Is there a way he could help you financially if you were missing a certain amount of money to visit him?
I agree with the opinion that you were working hard all year, and you deserve to visit your boyfriend. I know it is a hard decision, and if you really want to fly to Italy, you should tell your parents that you have always been trying to help them, but you cant do it right now in the way they expect.
Your family is important without any doubt, but your own future and relationship is as well. You already are helping them every month.
I don't know all the details about it, but if I were you, I would help them as much as possible, but at the same time, I probably wouldn't jeopardize my trip.
Really, talk about it with your boyfriend, maybe he can give you the best advice.

I will be thinking for you and hope you will be able to make the less painful decision.