In Need of Advice

[BraveTangledPrincess]

I'm not sure how to start. B and I have been dating for coming up on 8 months. We are on TOTAL opposite sides of the country. We met online, and the first time we met in person was in December. He came out here for my big brother's wedding. So, now that we are out of the honeymoon stage, I've starting to see/have issues.

#1.) B and I have been busy, and I totally understand, but we havn't had a skype call that's been longer than 10 minuets in weeks. I had a friend sit me down and talk to me about how B needs to move out here, to me (Issue #3). I have been trying for almost 3 weeks to sit down on skype and have a heart to heart talk about this. And I am beginning to feel like he is not making time for me. He calls me on his way home from work, every night that he works, but I feel like I hardly get to see his face. When I do, its on facetime, minuets before he goes to bed. Am I being overly sensitive about this or is this something I need to bring up?

#2.) B Lives out east and I'm going to be going to visit him in the next month for 5 days. I have made him in-charge of what we do, but I was really hoping to get to go to NYC while there. I've never been and I feel like it would be a blast. Even his best friend's sister said I should make my way to NYC. I mentioned it while on the phone with him tonight and he says that he has no desire to go there or deal with driving there. He had the same answer when my mom offered to see if her cousin could get us into the White House. Is this a red flag or have I set unrealistic expectations?

The last two have been mostly pressured in the last few hours, but this one has been bugging me for months.

#3.) Who should move? In the past when we have discussed it, he has said "We will cross that bridge when we get there." But now, it's starting to get to the point for me that I need to know before much longer. I know where I live isn't exactly what he wants, but I feel it'd be easier for him to move here. The big problem is that we both have parents who are very reliant on us. He has a brother, but the brother keeps his distance from the family. They hate the state they live in and really want to move. Where I live would be very nice for his mom's arthritis, an there are plenty of jobs for him here. I feel like I could move if I had to, but I would have to take my mom. She just found out that she's going to be a grandma, so it wouldn't be fair for me to take her away from that, and my brothers. But I'm the child who takes care of her. I have had a few people tell me that he needs to move here, to show his dedication to me. I don't know who should move.

I'm feeling so many crazy emotions right now, I just want to cry.

Thanks for our time and advice.

[squeeker]

Hi! I'm so sorry that you are getting overwhelmed with everything right now. I hope that you get to talk on skype for more than 10 minutes. I'm sure it is possible even if it is a few days away or takes a bit of extra effort to arrange a schedule where you can talk more. Because communication is important in a relationship!!

I wanted to mention about the NYC thing you said and White house thing. I don't see it as a red flag personally, because I can sort of compare it to my situation, just different places. Whenever I have mentioned that I was going to the UK to see my boyfriend, there's usually been someone - a coworker or friend usually - who asks if I'm going to London this time (or somewhere else touristy). And we don't do it. And I realize that it's just that my friend/coworker doesn't get it...I'm not going to the UK on a strictly holiday, I'm going to live with and spend time with my boyfriend. And London is huge and scary especially for two people with anxiety who prefer being inside or in calm environments. I know NYC is huge too, and you know your boyfriend's personality more than anything, but maybe he just doesn't like the city too much and has anxiety about going there. Try and be understanding. If he regularly went to NYC and was refusing to go, then there might be a problem, but as it is, you might be reading too much into it.

I think it's a good idea that you are thinking about who will move, but just remember that things can change even if you make a plan. Though it's nice to have something to work towards. I think if at all possible, the best thing to do is discuss the pros and cons of both decisions (you moving, him moving). And if you need to, maybe you could both move to somewhere in between, since you are both in the USA. That way you close the distance with each other and are not as far from your family as you would be if you moved across the whole country.

I don't know if this advice helped but I wish you luck in your relationship!

[NI_USA_love]

#2.) B Lives out east and I'm going to be going to visit him in the next month for 5 days. I have made him in-charge of what we do, but I was really hoping to get to go to NYC while there. I've never been and I feel like it would be a blast. Even his best friend's sister said I should make my way to NYC. I mentioned it while on the phone with him tonight and he says that he has no desire to go there or deal with driving there. He had the same answer when my mom offered to see if her cousin could get us into the White House. Is this a red flag or have I set unrealistic expectations?

Hey, great username

So driving into NYC is just awful, I've only done it the one time and just the thought of doing it again overwhelms me with stress. That being said, I've been there probably 2 dozen times... you don't have to drive in!! Take the train. Take a bus. Stress-free. Either way it's going to be expensive (pay the tolls to drive into the city/the tunnel toll plus parking and worrying what is going to happen to your car, or just pay the bus or train fee) but I think its really worth it. I took my SO there when he just came out to see me, and it was the absolute highlight of the trip. We stayed over one night in a cheap hostel, and the whole thing didn't run us back too much. If you want to do it, maybe you can be the proactive one about booking stuff and figuring out how to navigate the city. If he hasn't been there before, I can see how it would be overwhelming.

Driving in DC isn't bad at all, I don't think. Just on accident, I took my SO around DC as well (he was supposed to fly in to a tiny airport right down the road from me, but his final connection got cancelled at the last minute, he was stranded in Dulles and I just couldn't wait to see him so I hopped in the car to go get him, we got a free hotel stay from the airline and spent the next day in DC)... again I would recommend that YOU be the one who plans if you really want to go. I bet he feels overwhelmed about making plans in those big places!! I've been to DC a bunch of time too so I knew where to park/where to eat/what to do etc.

If you do decide to plan either trip, and you need some help, please feel free to PM me. I actually love planning stuff.

[snow]

#1) I think you are being overly sensitive about this issue. If he didn't put any effort into contacting you, I could totally understand being upset with him, but he calls you every night after work, which shows that he cares. If you want more, you will have to let him know - skype calls are different and not everyone likes it, but if it is important to you to see his face more often, tell him.

#2) You left him in charge, but did you tell him what your plans were? If you want to see NY or the white house you have to tell him. He doesn't bother driving up there, because it's a pain and I don't blame him. To HIM it might not be a big deal, but if you let him know that you would love to see NY and the white house and that is it important to YOU, he might do it. There is other ways to get into the city than just by car - we went by train and it was wonderful, especially since you stop at the Grand Central Station, which is beautiful in itself.

#3) No one can decide who is going to move but you two. It seems it would be better for him to move to you, rather than the other way, but being open to both options until you do decide is a good trait. This is something you two need to discuss when neither of you are stressed or tired - it's a big thing and it needs to be adressed!

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hi! I'm so sorry that you are getting overwhelmed with everything right now. I hope that you get to talk on skype for more than 10 minutes. I'm sure it is possible even if it is a few days away or takes a bit of extra effort to arrange a schedule where you can talk more. Because communication is important in a relationship!!

I wanted to mention about the NYC thing you said and White house thing. I don't see it as a red flag personally, because I can sort of compare it to my situation, just different places. Whenever I have mentioned that I was going to the UK to see my boyfriend, there's usually been someone - a coworker or friend usually - who asks if I'm going to London this time (or somewhere else touristy). And we don't do it. And I realize that it's just that my friend/coworker doesn't get it...I'm not going to the UK on a strictly holiday, I'm going to live with and spend time with my boyfriend. And London is huge and scary especially for two people with anxiety who prefer being inside or in calm environments. I know NYC is huge too, and you know your boyfriend's personality more than anything, but maybe he just doesn't like the city too much and has anxiety about going there. Try and be understanding. If he regularly went to NYC and was refusing to go, then there might be a problem, but as it is, you might be reading too much into it.

I think it's a good idea that you are thinking about who will move, but just remember that things can change even if you make a plan. Though it's nice to have something to work towards. I think if at all possible, the best thing to do is discuss the pros and cons of both decisions (you moving, him moving). And if you need to, maybe you could both move to somewhere in between, since you are both in the USA. That way you close the distance with each other and are not as far from your family as you would be if you moved across the whole country.

I don't know if this advice helped but I wish you luck in your relationship!

I agree, a place half-way between your home states might be a good solution for both of you, because both of you would be close to your families for visits, or for emergencies.

You are lucky, at least being in the states. You should be able to find solutions a lot easier than some of us in International LDR.

[Ahava]

Regarding number 3...
Maybe I am the odd one here, but I think 8 months is not that long. What is the rush to decide about who moves where?
To me it sounds like closing the distance for you two isn't in the near future (this year).
Yes it is good to talk about in advance and see what both of your thoughts and opinions about the issue are.

[OperaDiva]

#3.) Who should move?
I have had a few people tell me that he needs to move here, to show his dedication to me. I don't know who should move.

For the first two, I think you are simply under a lot of stress and overthinking things a little. Once you sit down with him and tell him what you actually want it should clear up.
The third one, and especially the bolded part, I think this is the wrong way of thinking about it. Moving to be with someone, especially over a big distance, is not a test of love and it should not be. If you two want to live together, it should be decided between the two of you, whether it is you moving to be with him or the other way around, or you two moving to a third place. Or you can try living in one place and then the other. Most importantly, it is about the two of you building a future together. If you say you need to have that talk, than you should have that talk. Good luck!

[BraveTangledPrincess]

Thank you all so much. You each have made some very good points and helped answer my questions.

He drives a lot for work, and isn't a big fan of big cities, but his family plans on moving in the next 6 months/year. He told me we would go the next time I visit, even if he's in another state. I feel it would be going out of the way more to wait. It's something I would like to do, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

I guess the main point in all of these is communication. I know he loves me, and he doesn't have to move to prove it. I've just gotten really bad about communication with my feelings.

[DreamFilled]

#3.) Who should move? In the past when we have discussed it, he has said "We will cross that bridge when we get there." But now, it's starting to get to the point for me that I need to know before much longer.

I think it would be good for you to try to make him see how important for you it is to at the very least start thinking and talking about this, even if you don't figure everything out in just one sitting. Let him know that you don't intend to preasure him, but just to clear up a bit of the uncertainty and so you can both know if you are on the same page.

Good luck!

[differentcountries]

1) You talk to him every day. But I mean if he can talk to you, he can probably Skype you, too. So if you could be happy exchanging some phone time with some Skype time, he can probably do that. I think you should bring it up. Can he Skype with you in the car/bus? At least brainstorm how the two of you can come up with a solution.

2) Focus on visiting HIM. 5 days is not a lot! Stop mentioning what everybody else thinks you should or should not be doing. It is not up for vote... He does not want to go and think it is a hassle, also it is possable he is a bit hurt that you want to spend your time together doing tourist stuff. Anyway, you have mentioned you want to. So if he feels he could comfortably do it, he will. Otherwise, you are young and it is not a once in a lifetime chance to go there. The red flag is you involving your mum in your activities with your boyfriend....To be frank you sound like an over anchious tourist. Most people worry that they will not get to see their boyfriend's family, or cat, or childhood home. He has told you he does not even like the place, and you sound insensitive.

3) Neither should move. You have been together SEVEN months. It is way to early to have that talk. And EVERYBODY feels it is "so much easier" for the other person to move. If you both have parents relying on you your argument is not very sound either... WHEN you do go there, have a brainstorm about it, or make a pro- and con's list, on you moving to him, him moving to you, or both of you moving somewhere else. Again, stop listening to your friends whining about what he "owns" you. If I was your gf and you said something like that to me, I would seriously break up with you. You are both in the relationship of your own free will, and unless he has done something terrible for which he must make amenze, he does not "own" you anything.

[Sunbeam]

I'm not sure how to start. B and I have been dating for coming up on 8 months. We are on TOTAL opposite sides of the country. We met online, and the first time we met in person was in December. He came out here for my big brother's wedding. So, now that we are out of the honeymoon stage, I've starting to see/have issues.

#1.) B and I have been busy, and I totally understand, but we havn't had a skype call that's been longer than 10 minuets in weeks. I had a friend sit me down and talk to me about how B needs to move out here, to me (Issue #3). I have been trying for almost 3 weeks to sit down on skype and have a heart to heart talk about this. And I am beginning to feel like he is not making time for me. He calls me on his way home from work, every night that he works, but I feel like I hardly get to see his face. When I do, its on facetime, minuets before he goes to bed. Am I being overly sensitive about this or is this something I need to bring up?

#2.) B Lives out east and I'm going to be going to visit him in the next month for 5 days. I have made him in-charge of what we do, but I was really hoping to get to go to NYC while there. I've never been and I feel like it would be a blast. Even his best friend's sister said I should make my way to NYC. I mentioned it while on the phone with him tonight and he says that he has no desire to go there or deal with driving there. He had the same answer when my mom offered to see if her cousin could get us into the White House. Is this a red flag or have I set unrealistic expectations?

The last two have been mostly pressured in the last few hours, but this one has been bugging me for months.

#3.) Who should move? In the past when we have discussed it, he has said "We will cross that bridge when we get there." But now, it's starting to get to the point for me that I need to know before much longer. I know where I live isn't exactly what he wants, but I feel it'd be easier for him to move here. The big problem is that we both have parents who are very reliant on us. He has a brother, but the brother keeps his distance from the family. They hate the state they live in and really want to move. Where I live would be very nice for his mom's arthritis, an there are plenty of jobs for him here. I feel like I could move if I had to, but I would have to take my mom. She just found out that she's going to be a grandma, so it wouldn't be fair for me to take her away from that, and my brothers. But I'm the child who takes care of her. I have had a few people tell me that he needs to move here, to show his dedication to me. I don't know who should move.

I'm feeling so many crazy emotions right now, I just want to cry.

Thanks for our time and advice.

I quoted this so I could refer to it easily. We're both in a West Coast/East Coast relationship, so I'm looking at it from an East Coast perspective to maybe give you a different viewpoint. I hope that's okay.

1. He calls you everyday. If you want more skype time, try to compromise? I know when I work a lot it's hard for me to fit in Skype with my partner, due to me being 3 hours ahead and having to take nightly medication that makes me drowsy. Life gets busy. Sometimes a phone call is all that is manageable, ya know? Maybe you can ask for more skype time on his days off? But regardless, even if you can't skype, a phone is not a bad place to have a heart to heart talk, as long as you're voice calling. I personally feel like you're being overly sensitive, because he's calling you, and that does show that he makes time for you; but we all have our sensitive spots, and if it's bothering you, you need to bring it up to him.

2. I don't see it as a red flag. Ask why he doesn't want to go? I live out east (a long way away from NYC, admittedly), and I would never want to drive into a big city. It's expensive, and it's scary for me. Once again, maybe ask him why he doesn't want to go? Compromise is key. If he says he doesn't want to drive into the city, offer to look into alternate transportation or (if you are able to drive/will have a vehicle to drive over those five days) offer to go halfsies on the driving and maybe take the shift into the city?

3. I cannot tell you who needs to move. My partner and I briefly closed the distance out here, and the job prospect of our plan drove him back out West, where he's saving money for me to come out there because in our specific situation, I could get more opportunities out West than I can here. From what you told us, it sounds like the same deal for you guys; but I'm not in your relationship, so I can't say for sure. Really, though, it's been 8 months. You do have time to decide. I think not stressing about it, and discussing it when you are both levelheaded and ready for the discussion would be the best bet.

I wish you both the best of luck!

[Zephii]

I'm responding to the original post without reading comments, so I apologise if I miss something.

#1 - I think you are being overly sensitive but it is still something you need to bring up. Quality communication needs to be a priority, and it looks like he's putting in an effort to contact you every day which is great. I personally don't understand the need to "see his face", most of my long distance relationship was an msn messenger or skype without cam kind of affair, so to me wanting to have the camera there often is overkill. I think it's fine to save that for date nights. But if it's important to you, talk about it. Relationships are about getting both your needs met.

#2 - I always looked at visits like they were just visits. I wasn't there to be a tourist, I was there to be with him. With that said, tourist stuff is fun and it's good to be able to do stuff together away from technology. It sounds like he's just being lazy, but he can't know your opinion if you don't speak up. So tell him you'd really like to do these things! In the beginning Obi wasn't half as up for adventure as I was, just a difference in our personalities, but now I've dragged him along to enough things that he realises there's fun to be had it's not all effort. Some things take time and compromise, but it really does start with the conversation.

#3 - Don't fall into the trap of thinking it's ever "easier" for one person to move or that they "should" be the one to move for whatever reason. Firstly, the idea that he should move to show his dedication is bogus and outdated. That logic could easily swing the other way, with you moving to show your dedication. Additionally, the relationships each of you have with people in your lives/families can't be quantified. There isn't one that's more important. For a long time I believed I should move, because I have less family. But you know what? I have a very close relationship with the family I do have and I suffer badly when I don't see them (they too suffer without me). Obi on the other hand rarely feels homesick and doesn't really care if he talks to his family or not - I often have to force him to do it. So while from the outside it looks like I "should" move, that's not necessarily the case.
Moreover, a lot more goes into the decision than family and mates. What is best for you as a couple? Where are the job and education opportunities? What is the cost of living in both places? What about when/if you have kids? Where would be best to have a family? What resources and support can you rely on in each location? What is the weather and lifestyle like? All these things and more!
It's a big thing. So whilst I think you're right that you do need to start discussing it, I don't think it's right for it to be decided right now. You've been together less than a year. There's no need to rush this stuff.

That's all I've got for now

[conejita_hada]

Just responding to #2: having lived in DC and traveled to both Philadelphia and NYC by car, bus, and train, I'd suggest not trying to fit those into your first visit that is 5 days long. It takes 3 hours to get to/from DC-Philly and if you take the tolls, it's a good $20 not including gas. NYC would be worse on the tolls and I don't think those are avoidable. Plus, each of those cities is at least a 3 days visit unto themselves. Just spend time together. As your relationship progresses, you'll have time to explore together and travel.

[lyonsgirl]

If he lives in the east side of PA, you're looking at minimum of 2 hours driving to NYC (and then you have to find parking and pay all the tolls), or probably 3 hours to DC. I know it doesn't seem like it's that far, but, I dunno. If I were you, and visiting his hometown for the first time, I'd want to see where he lives. If you want to be a tourist, be a tourist in his town.

Maybe he would prefer this too but doesn't know how to tell you because you seem to be set on visiting these two other places.

[Hollandia]

It sounds like he communicates with you plenty. It sounds like you WANT him to move with you and are rationalizing reasons why. There are going to be plenty of reasons why you should move to him too. Your "heart to heart" should not be you telling him you want him to move to you because of A, B, and C it should be a mutual conversation about what both of you want and feel would be best for your future together when you reach that point, and you are not even there yet. Your "good friend" should be told to kindly mind her own business. She might not want to lose her friend, but it really is non of her concern. How would you feel if he had a good friend telling him the same thing about you moving there? Don't worry about what others think, this is between you and him only and quite frankly if someone said that to me, I would tell them... Me and my SO will make that decision, thank you anyway. Me and my SO are looking at 3 years and we made a pro and con list together this winter. We both have family and friends in our respective countries too. One of his family can just as easily have a greater need in the near future too.

You also sound like you are upset because this is something you wanted to do and he does not. You are again turning this into a red flag. I agree with him. I live in Delaware and not far the places you mentioned. My SO has flown here twice from the NL and we have yet to make it to the White House or NYC. He wants to go but like others have said, he is not coming here to just see the sights. He comes here to spend time together. I don't go to NL to see Windmills or Tulips either, I have not seen a single Tulip field here yet. I don't consider these to be vacations, anything like that that happens is just icing on the cake.

NYC is hella expensive if you stay there, so did you just want a day trip? They kinda suck. You are best to wait till you have the expendable cash to go there or you cannot really enjoy yourself. The White House would be cool, but again, it is an ordeal. You have to drive all the way there, find somewhere to park. Walk to the White House and take your tour. Then what? Leave? That is where the Smithsonian is, and many many other cool places. It is again, hella expensive and best done when you can take some time and really enjoy it for a few days. I have been to both DC and NYC and did so with the coin a few years back with an Ex. The same is true with Philly. His first time here it was a day trip to Philly, we got in tour on a bus and Pat's Cheesesteak. He was underwhelmed. I kinda regretted taking here there. The last time he was here we did Philly in style. We stayed there for a few days over the holidays. We saw a show, we ate in the cool restaurants and walked all over the town. That is how you see a city like Philly, DC or NYC. He loved it.

Moving you have to play by ear. We have gone back and forth a few times about it. We are both open to moving to the other and whichever way works out the best it will be. It also won't necessarily be permanent either. We are again planning on closing in NL but for a trial period of 2 years. If we can't reach the goals we want in NL in 2 years, we can move to states. We were nowhere that point in 8 months either. LDRs are complicated but if you love the person enough, then none of this matters. You just deal with it as it happens and work through it all together.


You keep mentioning the word.."red flags" this is something you do when you are unsure about your relationship and yet you are also worried about where to close the distance. These two things don't go together. Just enjoy dating your SO and stop reading too much into things and try to take things step by step and not jump into too deep before you are ready to swim.