Oh boy!

[TaraMarie]

So my eldest daughter (23) has just found out about my relationship with my SO. WHICH WOULDNT BE A Big DEAL....Except I am not divorced yet. My soon to be ex husband just moved out this weekend, although we decided to divorce a very long time ago, and he has been living is a separate room for the last 7 months when j moved into her own apartment in "the city". The marriage has been over for years. However, we didn't tell our children until last November. We were trying to get some financial stuff worked out before he physically moved. He and I get along great.....and we had decided a very long time ago that we would live separate lives, but I never Told him about my SO. WELL, I had to tell him today.....because she confronted me about it (via text).

She is very upset....which I expected. I feel like the worst mom in the world, naturally. Now, do I tell my two youngest (11 & 14)? They know of my "friend", and have talked to him via FaceTime. They also are handling all of this much better than J is! Ugh! This is soooo hard. It sucks breaking up your family. Divorcing is one of the hardest things EVER! For everyone. Even me....and I am the one who wanted the divorce.

[Ahava]

How did he, your ex, take it?
I don't think the younger ones necessarily need to know just yet, as they still are quite young. I mean it might be easier for you to deal with all the other stuff first and then when everything else is going smoothly, deal with telling them. Good luck with everything!

[differentcountries]

I can see why she is upset. She probably remembers the good times more than the other children. You can tell the youngest later on. Hope talking it over with your ex will go nicely. Divorce is hard while it lasts, but it is better than pretending.

[squeeker]

Like different countries, I think I see why the oldest girl took it hardest, because she would remember more of her parents. No child wants their parents to break up, even if they do observe them fighting. When you tell the younger ones, maybe make sure to reinforce that you love them (and their father loves them, because you sound like you are still friends so I'm assuming that's the case?!). I wouldn't be surprised if they take it badly no matter how nicely you try and tell them. It will probably take awhile for it to settle in. I don't think it's a good idea to wait too long, because they will probably figure it out themselves as they might already guess something is up if they have talked to him and they know you and your ex sleep in separate beds. I would just give it time for it to sink in. I guess you said it yourself, that divorce is hard for everyone! I get sad even just hearing about someone who I don't know very well getting divorced. So I think telling them as kindly as you can and then giving them the time to digest the news.. while making things as smooth as possible.. with splitting time between you and your ex (though if you are in the same house still, that's not that difficult) and making sure they know you both love them still..

[TaraMarie]

Like different countries, I think I see why the oldest girl took it hardest, because she would remember more of her parents. No child wants their parents to break up, even if they do observe them fighting. When you tell the younger ones, maybe make sure to reinforce that you love them (and their father loves them, because you sound like you are still friends so I'm assuming that's the case?!). I wouldn't be surprised if they take it badly no matter how nicely you try and tell them. It will probably take awhile for it to settle in. I don't think it's a good idea to wait too long, because they will probably figure it out themselves as they might already guess something is up if they have talked to him and they know you and your ex sleep in separate beds. I would just give it time for it to sink in. I guess you said it yourself, that divorce is hard for everyone! I get sad even just hearing about someone who I don't know very well getting divorced. So I think telling them as kindly as you can and then giving them the time to digest the news.. while making things as smooth as possible.. with splitting time between you and your ex (though if you are in the same house still, that's not that difficult) and making sure they know you both love them still..

We are already living separately. I wanted opinions on telling the youngest ones about my SO. I THINK I SHOULD tell them, so they dont think I am hiding anything. j obviously is upset about my SO....AND she was devastated when I to
D her we were divorcing. The younger two are ok with it and are fine if I date. My son even asked if he could get a stepdad....lol. It's just that my husband literally MOVED OUT this past weekend. I just am not sure if it is too early. I spoke with my brother today (who has known about all of this for almost a year), and apparently my mother and sisters are aware of the situation as well...rumor mill got to them! So my little ones are the last to know, yet they are the most accepting....go figure! Oh what a tangled web we weave.....

[TaraMarie]

How did he, your ex, take it?
I don't think the younger ones necessarily need to know just yet, as they still are quite young. I mean it might be easier for you to deal with all the other stuff first and then when everything else is going smoothly, deal with telling them. Good luck with everything!

His response was "so now u know why she is upset". That was the entire comment.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Divorce is hard on all concerned, but there is no point in staying in an unhappy marriage, or one that ended long ago, just for the sake of the children. You deserve to be happy, too. And children do eventually adjust. In the long run, being honest is important, so everyone can start dealing with the issues that come up for healing. Your children will already know something is up, with their father moving out, and they already know something has been wrong for a long time. They are bound to have noticed the change in sleeping arrangements between your soon to be ex-husband and you. Kids are not as oblivious as parents sometimes might think or wish. Make it as easy for them as possible, but don't deny or hide the truth from them, just answer their questions as they arise.

[nottheprincesspeach]

Divorce is hard on all concerned, but there is no point in staying in an unhappy marriage, or one that ended long ago, just for the sake of the children. You deserve to be happy, too. And children do eventually adjust. In the long run, being honest is important, so everyone can start dealing with the issues that come up for healing. Your children will already know something is up, with their father moving out, and they already know something has been wrong for a long time. They are bound to have noticed the change in sleeping arrangements between your soon to be ex-husband and you. Kids are not as oblivious as parents sometimes might think or wish. Make it as easy for them as possible, but don't deny or hide the truth from them, just answer their questions as they arise.

Yes this! My best friend was in this situation as a child. She didn't want anything volunteered really. She would suspect things, but wouldn't ask until she was ready. Her mom wouldn't even tell the truth then. She didn't really want to know until she asked, then she wanted the truth. I would tell them only when they ask, but not go out of your way not to tell them either. If that makes sense.

[Moon]

I've been through this, it's hard, but it's all about the approach and timing. I was very careful to keep my dating life away from my daughter, unless I felt it was going to go further, and then I introduced it little by little, like If I was going out, I'd tell her I was going out with my friend, Mike (names changed to protect the guilty :P ). I'd do that for a couple of months, them bring "Mike" up very gradually in conversation, like "Hey, my friend Mike has Mario Brothers, too! Maybe you guys can play each other someday" Yeah, we're going back a while! Once she got used to hearing his name over time, then a brief introduction, with NO PDA whatsoever. Then a longer visit, then a family outing, and so on.

It's rough, it really is, it's also awkward and weird, but if you do it right, it works out. You don't have to let everything out at once, your separation is recent, they need to heal a bit and get this information in small bits. Just my opinion though.

[TaraMarie]

Well....I told them tonight. My Son, Nicco, was thrilled. He actually told me a few weeks ago that he wants a stepdad...one who will play ball with him and coach his team. He loves his dad, but he's a LOT older than me (71 this week) and doesnt like sports. My daughter, Kendall said "I know u are dating someone. I'm not stupid. Erin's dad said you must have a boyfriend since you leave so much". I told them both who it was (they've talked on FaceTime ), and they seemed good. Kendall sings, as does my SO, And he is going to help her record a CD in July when we go to NY TO SEE WICKED. I did what I thought was right. I am also the product. Of divorced parents. My dad got remarried. It worked out for me. My SO and I ARE planning to marry....otherwise I wouldn't have said anything. They both immediately asked of he was moving in (nope...he still lives in NY). But they both seem excited that he is coming here in a few weeks. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it!

[piratemama]

I've been through this, it's hard, but it's all about the approach and timing. I was very careful to keep my dating life away from my daughter, unless I felt it was going to go further, and then I introduced it little by little, like If I was going out, I'd tell her I was going out with my friend, Mike (names changed to protect the guilty :P ). I'd do that for a couple of months, them bring "Mike" up very gradually in conversation, like "Hey, my friend Mike has Mario Brothers, too! Maybe you guys can play each other someday" Yeah, we're going back a while! Once she got used to hearing his name over time, then a brief introduction, with NO PDA whatsoever. Then a longer visit, then a family outing, and so on.

It's rough, it really is, it's also awkward and weird, but if you do it right, it works out. You don't have to let everything out at once, your separation is recent, they need to heal a bit and get this information in small bits. Just my opinion though.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. The little by little is especially helpful for kids. It's also good advice for those of us in an LDR and we don't know how to tell parents or others.

I'm divorced, and I met my SO before my divorce. His late wife died from the same rare disease my husband had, and we met due to the disease. He and I became friends first. My daughter knew of him, so she was made aware of him little by little naturally. By the time my divorce took place, she was ready for it. She had seen all the difficulties that came from the illness and my ex-husband's family. His family was the cause of the divorce, and that's another long story. The point is, my daughter was only 14 when the divorce became a possibility. It's when I first saw what was coming. I decided to explain everything to her, keeping it to her age level as much as possible, as we went along. Of course, she saw some of the issues firsthand. She had time to adjust gradually.

If I had thrown it out at one time, it would have been more of a shock to her. I don't think she would have adjusted as well as she has. All during the divorce proceedings, she was getting to know my SO from a friendship point of view. It all worked out.

I think it helps to talk to even young children about how parents are people, too. They can know that moms get hurt, mad, and sick. It's good for them to know you will take care of yourself and that you need love, too. However, you can work hard to reassure them all along.

My SO is a widower now, but he has a daughter that is not doing well with the idea of him dating. It seems to me that children of all ages, including adult children, and maybe even especially adult children, are scared of losing something when a parent is dating another person. Children are secure in their position in the family with two blood parents, but a step is scary. They will require you spend more time with them during the transition.

I agree that counseling can't hurt.

I would like to mention, too, that you should reassure your SO during this time. I'm so scared how things are going to work out with my SO, so I can see your SO's point of view here.

[TaraMarie]

I agree with this wholeheartedly. The little by little is especially helpful for kids. It's also good advice for those of us in an LDR and we don't know how to tell parents or others.

I'm divorced, and I met my SO before my divorce. His late wife died from the same rare disease my husband had, and we met due to the disease. He and I became friends first. My daughter knew of him, so she was made aware of him little by little naturally. By the time my divorce took place, she was ready for it. She had seen all the difficulties that came from the illness and my ex-husband's family. His family was the cause of the divorce, and that's another long story. The point is, my daughter was only 14 when the divorce became a possibility. It's when I first saw what was coming. I decided to explain everything to her, keeping it to her age level as much as possible, as we went along. Of course, she saw some of the issues firsthand. She had time to adjust gradually.

If I had thrown it out at one time, it would have been more of a shock to her. I don't think she would have adjusted as well as she has. All during the divorce proceedings, she was getting to know my SO from a friendship point of view. It all worked out.

I think it helps to talk to even young children about how parents are people, too. They can know that moms get hurt, mad, and sick. It's good for them to know you will take care of yourself and that you need love, too. However, you can work hard to reassure them all along.

My SO is a widower now, but he has a daughter that is not doing well with the idea of him dating. It seems to me that children of all ages, including adult children, and maybe even especially adult children, are scared of losing something when a parent is dating another person. Children are secure in their position in the family with two blood parents, but a step is scary. They will require you spend more time with them during the transition.

I agree that counseling can't hurt.

I would like to mention, too, that you should reassure your SO during this time. I'm so scared how things are going to work out with my SO, so I can see your SO's point of view here.

my SO is actually excited. He's never had children, nor has he ever wanted any. But since he's "met" them, he's getting really excited about becoming part of the family. He can connect with each of them on a different level. He's super excited to go out and throw a ball with my son. And he is thrilled to be able to help my daughter with her potential singing career. I know my eldest, Jenna, will be a challenge. I hope she warms up to him.....I know they have a lot in common....but she's a tough nut to crack!

[piratemama]

my SO is actually excited. He's never had children, nor has he ever wanted any. But since he's "met" them, he's getting really excited about becoming part of the family. He can connect with each of them on a different level. He's super excited to go out and throw a ball with my son. And he is thrilled to be able to help my daughter with her potential singing career. I know my eldest, Jenna, will be a challenge. I hope she warms up to him.....I know they have a lot in common....but she's a tough nut to crack!

I'm sure he's excited to get to know your children. I was thinking more about how he'd feel during this time they are adjusting to the divorce. Your oldest is not happy to find out her parents are divorcing, so she might take that out on your SO. I know I've struggled with feeling hurt while my SO's daughters are adjusting. My SO doesn't mean for me to, but I don't always feel I have a "place." When he reassures me, I feel much better. Sometimes, the SO can feel left out during the time you are working things out concerning the divorce. He can feel unwanted by your children and fear that you might let him go in order to work things out with your children. Only speaking from my own experience...

Hope things work out smoothly for you, your SO, and your children.

[TaraMarie]

I'm sure he's excited to get to know your children. I was thinking more about how he'd feel during this time they are adjusting to the divorce. Your oldest is not happy to find out her parents are divorcing, so she might take that out on your SO. I know I've struggled with feeling hurt while my SO's daughters are adjusting. My SO doesn't mean for me to, but I don't always feel I have a "place." When he reassures me, I feel much better. Sometimes, the SO can feel left out during the time you are working things out concerning the divorce. He can feel unwanted by your children and fear that you might let him go in order to work things out with your children. Only speaking from my own experience...

Hope things work out smoothly for you, your SO, and your children.

I LOVE my children. But I am also aware that Jenna can decide if she wants to be in my life, or not. I hope she does. However, our children are SUPPOSED to grow up move away and start their own lives. In the end, it will be me and him. I've always felt that way. I want my children in my life, but I am not foolish enough to think they will be there 24/7 for the rest of their lives and I won't make y choices based on that. I have to make ME happy. And I am. And I hope they are happy for me. My divorce is BEYOND AMICABLE! We are very lucky. It won't disrupt their lives too much other than the fact that dad doesn't sleep here anymore. He will be at the house everyday, or will have the at his house everyday. Jenna moved out last summer. She should be the least affected because she is t living it daily. Right now I feel good about the situation....I hope I continue to!

[piratemama]

I LOVE my children. But I am also aware that Jenna can decide if she wants to be in my life, or not. I hope she does. However, our children are SUPPOSED to grow up move away and start their own lives. In the end, it will be me and him. I've always felt that way. I want my children in my life, but I am not foolish enough to think they will be there 24/7 for the rest of their lives and I won't make y choices based on that. I have to make ME happy. And I am. And I hope they are happy for me. My divorce is BEYOND AMICABLE! We are very lucky. It won't disrupt their lives too much other than the fact that dad doesn't sleep here anymore. He will be at the house everyday, or will have the at his house everyday. Jenna moved out last summer. She should be the least affected because she is t living it daily. Right now I feel good about the situation....I hope I continue to!

I hope everything will work out great for all of you. I hope you can continue to feel good about everything, too. I wish you the best of luck.