Is this tension normal?

[nottheprincesspeach]

I am gearing up for my SO to leave, and his leave date got moved up from two months, to a month, to two weeks. It seems like things are getting tense between us the closer it gets. I don't know if both of us are just sad about the leaving or scared about how things are going to work out. Honestly I don't know know. I just want to know if any of you had a CD SO move or even right before they left during a visit and got this awkward tension. Things seem to go from super sweet, to this tense low every time things settle down. It worries me.

[differentcountries]

Very well normal I think

[Luc]

Let me get this straight; you and your SO live together now, but he is going away on a business trip for a while or something like that?

If that's the case then I think I understand the tension. Let's face it, LDRs are difficult and hard. It's not easy to be LD with your SO, especially not if you've been CD before. You probably already think about how you're going to miss him and how it's going to be difficult for you not to be physical with him for a while, stuff like that can create stress and tension.

[nottheprincesspeach]

Let me get this straight; you and your SO live together now, but he is going away on a business trip for a while or something like that?

If that's the case then I think I understand the tension. Let's face it, LDRs are difficult and hard. It's not easy to be LD with your SO, especially not if you've been CD before. You probably already think about how you're going to miss him and how it's going to be difficult for you not to be physical with him for a while, stuff like that can create stress and tension.

We are basically living together now, yes. He is moving permanently for a job promotion. I will have to move to him to close the distance.

That does sound about right, and makes sense. The physical stuff has gotten weird and complicated as well, when that isn't normal for our relationship. I don't know. All of it is just stressing me out. Is there any way to ease the tension?

[snow]

Beforw I left the last time (which was the first time without knowing when I'll be back) we have experienced something similar.
We enjoyed spending our last couple days together, but we kept fighting everyday out of nowhere. We noticed that we were both really upset about the situation and sad so we took it out on each other. So I agree it's normal.. it's a scary uncertain situation!

[snow_girl]

Is there any way to ease the tension?

Talk about it, don't let it be the elephant in the room. Say something like "Hey this is weird right?, I don't want it to be but...." then tell him how your feeling. Done and done!

[nottheprincesspeach]

Beforw I left the last time (which was the first time without knowing when I'll be back) we have experienced something similar.
WE enjozed soending our last couple days together, but we kept fighting everyday out of nowhere. We noticed that we were both really upset about the situation and sad so we took it out on each other. So I agree it's normal.. it's a scary uncertain situation!

There is a lot of uncertainty. I've been in a LD before and he hasn't which is stressful for him. Also the closing the distance part is complicated (as always) and of course uncertain. I think that is stressing us out. I already have our first couple of visits planned to give us both something to look forward to. That doesn't seem to be helping. I guess it'll just be weird going from being together all the time, to seeing each other every couple of months.

[Luc]

Yeah I agree with snow_girl, talking about it in a calm, open and honest way seems to be the solution. Try to make him aware that you guys are together in this. Right now it seems as if you two both try to get through this tension on your own, but you're not on your own, you're together, so share your concerns, share your emotions, make each other aware that you're not alone in this and try to support each other.

[nottheprincesspeach]

Yeah I agree with snow_girl, talking about it in a calm, open and honest way seems to be the solution. Try to make him aware that you guys are together in this. Right now it seems as if you two both try to get through this tension on your own, but you're not on your own, you're together, so share your concerns, share your emotions, make each other aware that you're not alone in this and try to support each other.

You are both right. He doesn't like to talk about it because it makes him sad, but at this point we need to talk about it. I've been talking about it in bursts so that it doesn't overwhelm him. I've been focusing on the important things (I thought) like expectations and boundaries and plans. We both tend to avoid the emotional and deal with the logical things, but you guys are right, clearly we can't do that anymore. Thank you all. I'll try this tonight.

[Hollandia]

we are CD half the time and LD half the time. I would not call it tension, but as the days grow closer I do tend to start to pull away to prepare myself for the separation and he hates that so that has caused a few heated discussions, but we just talk them out and work through them.

[auralite]

My SO just left two weeks ago, and leading up to it it was just like this. We were both just huge balls of stress and at each other's throats non-stop. A lot of it was because he was super busy not only with the move but wrapping up his current job etc. He had so much on his plate, and didn't feel like he was "allowed" to ask me to help because he was doing this awful thing to me by leaving.

Similar to you, my SO's move came up really suddenly and we had very little time to adjust to the idea. It was like a mad dash to try and get everything squared away between us before he left. The truth is though, there's so much going on for both of you. He's dealing with a big move ahead of him as well as a promotion which both require a lot of mental energy, as well as the fact that he likely also feels guilty about putting you in this position. You're dealing with the fact that you likely didn't have much of a say in this move, that it came on so suddenly, and has complicated your own life significantly. It's hard to see clearly and make cohesive plans when your head is full of that type of anxiety.

My SO and I went through everything over and over again regarding expectations, and boundries and plans too. It was stressful just trying to formulate my thoughts on him leaving, and then to add to that the pressure I was putting on myself to hammer out specifics was just really difficult. The combined stress of feeling obligated to address the specifics, on top of dealing with the practicalities of actually relocating nearly drove him to a melt-down. The truth is that moving is going to be a bit of a perspective shift for him and you, and it's really hard to predict now how you'll feel and what your needs will be once he leaves. I wish that we had just focused on spending quality time together, laid down just some basics for our relationship, and then just waited to address the details once he was settled in his new space and had a better idea of what his new job was going to be like. Trying to go over everything was just way too much all at once, made us both insane - and I really regret it now!

I think you're totally right to keep it to the big picture stuff like committing to making it work etc. Unfortunately, he just doesn't really know what things are going to look like once he gets there (especially with a promotion which might include a bigger time commitment and more stress!), so it's likely going to stress him out being asked to commit to things that are much more specific than that. You might want to keep conversations about specific expectations to a minimum to avoid stressing him out more. If you've agreed to commit to making it work, many of those expectations are going to be bundled up in that larger commitment. Just try and be positive and supportive and have faith that the details will certainly work themselves out since you've both agreed to stick with it. That's the most important thing, you can have faith that everything else will fall in line with that once the immediate stress is behind you. You're both dealing with your own types of stress, but as another poster pointed out you need to focus on supporting one another and acknowledging your shared fears and anxiety - without forcing an immediate resolution to them.

A therapist friend of mine told me that the biggest night that couples tend to fight is at Sunday night dinner. After spending a great weekend together, the anticipation of separation anxiety brought about by the end of the weekend tends to drive people crazy. Moving is like the ultimate Sunday night dinner, and so much of the anxiety is just fueled by the anticipation of an even greater anxiety. I know it's hard, but just try and calm down and remember that you have a long time to work through everything and every detail doesn't need to be hammered out right now. You might actually find (like me) that once he leaves you're much less anxious than you were expecting to be, and your needs might very well be different than you anticipated!

[itsjen516]

Me and my so were close distance for about a month only so when we had to leave it was more sadness but never tense. Now these days when it's time for one of us to leave it can have it's moments