Pandora's Box

[ldrxoxo]

I'm not sure where to put this question, so I figured this might be the best place. For small talk whenever I would get to know someone, I would occasionally ask about their past exes/flings and how it went for them, I'd tell them about mine. With my current interest, I know he's only had barely a handful total and that was three or four years ago. I, too, have not been with anyone in years and years as well.

We only talked about how many people we've been with but not how we felt about our exes. He knows about my history and how I've been treated poorly by the past to where it doesn't matter because it led us to each other, but I'm still kind of curious if he ever really liked/felt like he saw a life with someone else. I don't know if I'd be jealous or not, but I'm more wanting to ask out of curiosity.

Should I ask or just enjoy the present time with him and see where it leads and not worry about his past? Like, I guess I'm curious if he still talks to any of those people he did things with before talking to me/hangs out with them. Since they're in the same town, I wonder if I have anything to worry about other than the distance.

One of my ex-"friends" still keeps in touch with all her exes and flings [over 30], which I think would just put people in an awkward situation. Her ex-fling had a baby with someone new who is now his wife and the wife let my ex-friend hold their baby and the wife seems okay with a past lover of her husband holding her baby. When I'm done with someone, I've never felt the need to still be friends. I'd rather keep the past in the past if they didn't respect me in the relationship, I don't need them as a friend.

Would you want to know about someone's past and if the past can still affect the present or just go with the flow? If it's long distance does it matter to you as if it was nearby interests?

[nottheprincesspeach]

Go with the flow. Learn to trust him. Don't bring up the past unnecessarily. Especially if it could cause problems between you two. Also I don't think he pictured a life with anyone a couple years ago when he was in high school. And if he did, it was probably just one of those silly high school things.

I like to find out about the past. But I am not a jealous person, so it is just a fun get to know him thing, not a "I might want to know cause it could make me worry or anything".

[Hollandia]

My and my SO never talk about my EX except when it comes up pertaining to the Kid or the business and matters such as that. We don't talk his either. We both know we were with other people in the past, but they are in the past. So, not a part of our future in that sense. This would never be an ice breaker for me and a potential love interest ever.

I might commiserate with a another woman sitting near me if the subject came up but never someone I was first thinking about dating. Why do you do that? I don't think that is a great way to start a relationship with someone. I think some consider it one of the worst subjects to bring up and if a guy had done it to me on a first date, it would probably be his last.

[differentcountries]

As a general rule, one should not talk about exes in the beginning. Still actually, one of the first things me and my SO talked about was our exes. Well, exes of sorts. It probably sounds very weird, but I think we just liked each other because we reminded each other of something good. Of couse it was not all good, since they were in the past - and we also talked about that. It felt a bit kathartic. I think the bottom line was that we saw in each other the better version of our exes. I mean, now we don't think about that much , and I now think he is SO unlike my ex, but that was our first reaction. Especially like physical appearence, I think there was something in the type that drew us in - and it was ok to just admit that: "you are my type".

After this, we have also been through a type of sexual "who and where and when". I mean we don't know all there is to know, but we know the basic storyline. Like I know this is his first real realationship, while I have not been single since I was 19, and was 9 years down the line in my current relationship when I met him. I am sometimes a little mad at his ex /former fling because she seemed at times downright disrespectful; I know they were not serious but still stuff she said to him really gets me going - I guess it is a bit of hurt pride mixed with some jelousy. Generally, we don't talk a lot about exes. I think maybe we should, later on. Right now we are very busy just getting to know each other and also boyfriend getting to know my husband.

I think it is a personal choice if you want to hang with your ex, or talk about them. Some have a very good friendship going on with their boyfriend/girlfriend that does not go away. I mean, that is often an excuse to just hang on to the relationship or whatever, but it can be a real factor. I am used to the lesbian community and there people frequently stay in touch with their exes. I am in touch with a few exes, sometimes that has been hard, but it also feels good to not be bitter and when you hang where they are it is just better.

Don't worry just because his exes are in the same town as him. It is not as if they share a room. Talk about rules and boundries; they are different for each couple. Decide upon a level of openness/honesty, and remember you can always change the rules if they are not working for you.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Yes, I have talked to my SO about it.. and we still talk about those things occasionally, BUT it's not a subject that's brought up just for the sake of finding out things I may not want to know. My SO and I were friends for over a year before we got together so we had that time to talk, just as friends, and that part of our relationship is still there. We can talk to each other, comfortably, about our past without having jealousy flare up over things that we know happened before we even met.

Also, just because someone is an ex doesn't mean that they disrespected you in the relationship. Sometimes people become exes for other reasons. I'm still friends with my ex and my SO knows this. Tbh, he will even talk to him at times as well (well, indirectly atm lol). He really doesn't seem to mind if I talk to my ex (we are about 400 miles apart atm so we talk on the phone or skype and stuff occasionally) because he knows that I want to with him, not the ex. I just still have a friendship with my ex because we were together for so long and we were friends before that.

[nicole]

I've sort of had a few of my SO's exs forced upon me and he learned pretty quick he was better off with not being in contact with them anymore.

I think it differs from situation to situation though, if they're pulling crap and causing drama like my SO's exs, its best not to have contact. If they broke up and formed a friendship that doesn't effect future romantic relationships, then I don't see the big deal.

My SO and I have never had a formal exs talk though. I know a little about the ones who were causing trouble, but any others, not at all, I don't really want to know either. I confirmed he'd been tested for STDs and that is as much as I have asked about his past.

[snow]

I feel like men don't talk about their exes, because they're in the past. Of course you can't generalize it.
I knew my man has had 2 exes when we came together, but I never asked him anything further. I knew at some point he would tell me and about 9 months in he told me all about them by himself and he told me that he liked it that I never pressured him into talking about it.

[ldrxoxo]

Go with the flow. Learn to trust him. Don't bring up the past unnecessarily. Especially if it could cause problems between you two. Also I don't think he pictured a life with anyone a couple years ago when he was in high school. And if he did, it was probably just one of those silly high school things.

I like to find out about the past. But I am not a jealous person, so it is just a fun get to know him thing, not a "I might want to know cause it could make me worry or anything".

That's what I'm hoping to avoid which is why I haven't asked yet. I really hope my curiosity won't get the best of me to ask.
I'll be okay with whatever he had before as long as he is just into me now.

[ldrxoxo]

As a general rule, one should not talk about exes in the beginning. Still actually, one of the first things me and my SO talked about was our exes. Well, exes of sorts. It probably sounds very weird, but I think we just liked each other because we reminded each other of something good. Of couse it was not all good, since they were in the past - and we also talked about that. It felt a bit kathartic. I think the bottom line was that we saw in each other the better version of our exes. I mean, now we don't think about that much , and I now think he is SO unlike my ex, but that was our first reaction. Especially like physical appearence, I think there was something in the type that drew us in - and it was ok to just admit that: "you are my type".

After this, we have also been through a type of sexual "who and where and when". I mean we don't know all there is to know, but we know the basic storyline. Like I know this is his first real realationship, while I have not been single since I was 19, and was 9 years down the line in my current relationship when I met him. I am sometimes a little mad at his ex /former fling because she seemed at times downright disrespectful; I know they were not serious but still stuff she said to him really gets me going - I guess it is a bit of hurt pride mixed with some jelousy. Generally, we don't talk a lot about exes. I think maybe we should, later on. Right now we are very busy just getting to know each other and also boyfriend getting to know my husband.

I think it is a personal choice if you want to hang with your ex, or talk about them. Some have a very good friendship going on with their boyfriend/girlfriend that does not go away. I mean, that is often an excuse to just hang on to the relationship or whatever, but it can be a real factor. I am used to the lesbian community and there people frequently stay in touch with their exes. I am in touch with a few exes, sometimes that has been hard, but it also feels good to not be bitter and when you hang where they are it is just better.

Don't worry just because his exes are in the same town as him. It is not as if they share a room. Talk about rules and boundries; they are different for each couple. Decide upon a level of openness/honesty, and remember you can always change the rules if they are not working for you.

I'll definitely try not to worry because this distance thing is already getting to me and I don't want to worry about other things that I may not even have to think about. Lately, I've just been wanting to say the past is the past and I'd rather not know anymore.

[Ahava]

With my current SO we haven't talked that much about the subject. Somethings yes, but I think I don't want to know any details because I might get jealous, even though it is in the past. He isn't the type of guy to bring up the subject either.
I remember with my first serious boyfriend (who was also my first you know) about 1,5 years into our relationship I started asking him about his exes and about people he had slept with and after that I started imagining the things in my head (I have a very vivid imagination, if I read a book I can see the events happening in my head) and I was feeling insanely jealous. Lesson learned, not a good thing to do!

[eeelaynuh]

me and my SO have two different positions on this. For him. He HATES hearing about my ex (specifically the most recent one). he feels the need to compare himself to him, which is super annoying to me, because I left the last one for a reason. That and i've been in love with my current SO since I was 16. But we were having an open and honest conversation and it came up. I am really glad we talked about it though, because now we don't ever have to talk about that again. I know he still thinks about my past with my ex, but its my job to make it seem like he never existed so he has less things to worry/compare about.

as for my stance... because i've been into him for so long, he's always seems so godlike to me. So when it was my turn to ask the questions, he let me pull them up on facebook so i could see them. i got to look at them, and ask question. for me it was eye-opening. he'd dated dancers, and an older women. it intrigued me, that they were all so beautiful and he still wanted to be with me. So it was a good thing for me. I've already forgotten the names of them! lol.

but it is important to wait until you are at a more serious stage in the relationship. no sense digging up bad blood for no reason. just go with the flow. those conversations come up when they need to.

[eeelaynuh]

I feel like men don't talk about their exes, because they're in the past. Of course you can't generalize it.
I knew my man has had 2 exes when we came together, but I never asked him anything further. I knew at some point he would tell me and about 9 months in he told me all about them by himself and he told me that he liked it that I never pressured him into talking about it.

exactly! it just comes up naturally when the situation starts becoming more serious. its like the couple agrees, "okay, i don't want to hide any part of me from you anymore. let me tell you about my past".