We've set an end date...

[Lils]

Hi there,
I've been lurking around here for a while but never felt like posting, but I need some cheering up tonight
My boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year and in a LDR for 7 months. We see each other about every other weekend, which I realise is enormous compared to what some of you get... But it's still harder and harder for both of us to cope with the distance. I've been looking for a job in his area for a while but it seems like I'm going to have a hard time finding one. I told him I needed to set an end date to our relationship, so we did tonight. If by june/july there is no closing the distance in sight, we'll break up. It'll be incredibly hard but easier than going on like this forever.
I feel like I'm about to break down or fall apart, though. It's almost like we've broken up already... I think I'm going to cry.
Sorry for rambling, I'm just so lost...

[Kristin91]

I'm so sorry I don't have words to make you feel better right now. Hopefully you'll be able to find a job in his area so you can close the distance!

[piratemama]

I am so sorry that you two have an end date. Please don't consider it only the two options of work or ending it. Usually, there is another option that hasn't been considered. Why don't you two brainstorm together one night. Spend a certain amount of time (10 or 15 minutes) and throw out any option, no matter how wild and crazy, without any comments. At the end of the time, go back and discuss the options. Cross out those that wouldn't possibly work and consider all others. Sometimes this helps to think of another way. If you two love each other, you can find a way. If getting out of the relationship is not an option, you'd be surprised what you might come up with.

I hope you can find a way to make it work. Good luck. Again, I'm sorry for your hurt.

[squeeker]

I think piratemama gave some good advice. I'm sorry if things don't work out and no one would want you to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable. But in my mind, when you have found the person you love, it's better to stay long distance than break up. But I don't know your story or if you are actually meant to be together. Just maybe do like piratemama said, and write down any crazy idea you can think of, and figure out which one would work. Or stay together longer and look for a job but don't give up until you find one. But I understand that not all relationships can handle being LD and I'm sorry if you can't come to a good conclusion and feel the need to break up if you can't find a job. Good luck in your job search! I wish you the best of luck and you figure out whether or not you really want to be together and I hope you can close the distance soon!

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Maybe you are giving up too soon. Only less than a year? Do some serious thinking about this, and see what your options are. How far away from each other are you? Can he move where you are, if you are having trouble moving where he is?

It can be a long, lonely road with an LDR, but at least you do see each other regularly, even if not as much as you would like, so it is doable, especially with the Internet, mobile phones, social networks, and especially Skype with web cam. You can do a lot with technology. We have even watched sport events, while on Skype together.

We are going on 4 years this way, and have never even thought about setting a limit. How do you set a limit on loving someone? Give it more time. You are young and have plenty of time. An LDR can be a good foundation for the future.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I am so sorry that you two have an end date. Please don't consider it only the two options of work or ending it. Usually, there is another option that hasn't been considered. Why don't you two brainstorm together one night. Spend a certain amount of time (10 or 15 minutes) and throw out any option, no matter how wild and crazy, without any comments. At the end of the time, go back and discuss the options. Cross out those that wouldn't possibly work and consider all others. Sometimes this helps to think of another way. If you two love each other, you can find a way. If getting out of the relationship is not an option, you'd be surprised what you might come up with.

I hope you can find a way to make it work. Good luck. Again, I'm sorry for your hurt.

I completely agree. Don't make quitting your relationship an option. You might regret it later, especially if you quit so soon, when things could change, or you might find just the right solution if you work on it together and give it time to grow.

[Jaac]

I don't think there's anything to add to the reactions that have already been given.
I do think that setting an end date might be a bit extreme?
I can't emagine how that makes him feel, if he's still in love with you.
Plus, you say that you do feel horrible by the though of not being in a relationship with him. If your feelings are strong enough, you will be able to spend some more time apart.
you are SOOOO blessed with the fact that you guys see each other that often!!! Hold on to that for a while!
Finding a job doesnt go over one night. Maybe next week you'll find something. But maybe it will take another year:S

And LDR does get lonely and sometimes you do feel like maybe giving up.
Things will get better and maybe you can look for other ways to close the distance.
I still don't know about the end date... Sounds like you have already given up

[differentcountries]

I know it can be hard, especially since you started off CD, but 7 months is not a long time to be LD. We have been LD for almost 6 months now and we honestly feel like we have just started. There are so much great advice to be found in here, from everything to Skype tips to how to prepare love letters and presents to how you can best organize travels - and lots of inspiration from couples who made it over a long time and even closed the distance.

I believe you can put in some more time. Also, finding a suitable job may in itself take some time. I don't know what kind of business you are in, but my current job took about 3 months to get after I was made aware of it. And then I had been looking before that. And that was just within my (large) city.

It can be very difficult. Even though I am incredibly lucky for an internatinal LDR that I get to see him about once a month, when I get home the first night without him is superhard and weird. I am exhausted from the travel, but have to work. I retreat into myself and feel almost depressed. Then it lifts. By the end of the week I am starting to feel myself again. I am starting the countdown again. I feel good once more, life is sweet. I suspect that for you, it might be extra straining because it is like...too often. I feel I can settle once I get back, but you know next week you will be off again. You are sort of stranded between the monthly and the weekly mode. I actually think that adds to your stress.

[Lils]

Hi guys!
Thanks so much for your support and advice
It's incredibly helpful to know I'm not alone...
We're both very much in love, if it weren't for the distance, I think my future would definitely be with him. I haven't really given up, or lost hope, but I'm miserable pretty much all the time and I'm at the end of my rope. It doesn't mean I don't love him, it's actually the exact opposite. I wouldn't be suffering as much if I didn't.
Different countries, that might be part of the problem, actually... It might be easier if we met up less often... But then again, I wouldn't be open to seeing him less regularly, it's hard enough as it is ^^
I guess we'll see what the future brings, I'm very much hoping I'll find a job in Paris soon! But I'll definitely brainstorm with him as many of you advised to see what else we can come up with and if we can figure out a different solution... I think the reason I asked him for an end date is because I'm absolutely unable to break up with him, but I don't want to wait until we're both exhausted with the distance and the love we share disappears :/
I don't know what to do, I'll talk to him again and see what he thinks.
Again, I very much appreciate all your help And I know compared to many of you, I'm actually very lucky to be able to see him that often!

[Zapookie]

I think you're giving up waaaaaay too soon. If you love him, why set an end date? I never know when I'm going to see my SO - I often go 6-7 months at a time without seeing him. We have no idea when we're closing the distance. And yeah, its difficult, but I love him, and don't see myself being with anyone else, so I do what I gotta do to make it work, and you need to as well!

[sarahjane1992]

I think you're giving up waaaaaay too soon. If you love him, why set an end date? I never know when I'm going to see my SO - I often go 6-7 months at a time without seeing him. We have no idea when we're closing the distance. And yeah, its difficult, but I love him, and don't see myself being with anyone else, so I do what I gotta do to make it work, and you need to as well!

I totally agree. My SO and I have been together for almost a year and been LD the whole time. We go months without seeing each other but we make it work.
There is no set date for us to close the distance either. We're trying to figure that out. I love my SO and know there is nobody else for me. That's why I do all that I do.
Don't give up yet.

[Lils]

I get what you're all saying, but I'm so tired of the distance... What's the point of dating someone you only see once in a while, someone who isn't part of your daily life except through texts and emails and Skype - which I don't really regard as actual life?

We're constantly texting and stuff but the fact remains that we can't really share the important moments. Our lives are slowly growing apart. We don't get to meet each other's new friends, to do stuff spontanously after work, to kiss and cuddle in the evening. I miss all this. We do tell each other about what we do and feel and everything really, but it's just not the same and I think time hasn't helped in that respect: we're not communicating as much as we used to and sometimes I feel as though I'm no longer a priority of his. His daily life and his job tend to take precedence over me and our time together. It might be the same on my side, I'm not sure, but I don't think so.

I know most of you cope with the same difficulties in significantly harder circumstances, but I'm weaker in a sense, I guess.
I can't imagine my life without him, but right now we don't have much of a life together, so I suppose this relationship is slowly coming to a dead end. It kills me to admit it, it does, but all I know is that right now I'm not happy.

[Unconditional]

but I don't want to wait until we're both exhausted with the distance and the love we share disappears :/
I don't know what to do, I'll talk to him again and see what he thinks.

Just take it one day at a time =)
Also, if the love you share is strong, it can only grow stronger. <3 (I feel other posters have given the best advice, I am kind of at a loss for words.)
Wishing you both the best of luck!~*

[squeeker]

I get what you're all saying, but I'm so tired of the distance... What's the point of dating someone you only see once in a while, someone who isn't part of your daily life except through texts and emails and Skype - which I don't really regard as actual life?

We're constantly texting and stuff but the fact remains that we can't really share the important moments. Our lives are slowly growing apart. We don't get to meet each other's new friends, to do stuff spontanously after work, to kiss and cuddle in the evening. I miss all this. We do tell each other about what we do and feel and everything really, but it's just not the same and I think time hasn't helped in that respect: we're not communicating as much as we used to and sometimes I feel as though I'm no longer a priority of his. His daily life and his job tend to take precedence over me and our time together. It might be the same on my side, I'm not sure, but I don't think so.

I know most of you cope with the same difficulties in significantly harder circumstances, but I'm weaker in a sense, I guess.
I can't imagine my life without him, but right now we don't have much of a life together, so I suppose this relationship is slowly coming to a dead end. It kills me to admit it, it does, but all I know is that right now I'm not happy.

You can be apart of each others daily lives even when apart. I think that texts, emails, and Skype TOTALLY count as actual life, everything you chose to do counts!! And when you are with other people, you just bring him up in conversation.. like if something they say reminds you of something your SO does, bring it up! It took me awhile to do this but helps me feel it as real. It's much better the more you can Skype or communicate with your partner, because that is the next best thing to being there in person. And taking pictures when you are out and sending them to your partner while you are out, and spontaneously texting (or writing something down to tell him later if he is sleeping and you don't want to wake him).

I have a feeling you are stronger than you believe yourself to be. Any distance is hard, any amount of time away from the one you love is hard, but if you really want something, don't give up so easily on it. Though if you don't think your relationship will survive the distance, then I'm sorry, and still good luck!

[piratemama]

You can be apart of each others daily lives even when apart. I think that texts, emails, and Skype TOTALLY count as actual life, everything you chose to do counts!! And when you are with other people, you just bring him up in conversation.. like if something they say reminds you of something your SO does, bring it up! It took me awhile to do this but helps me feel it as real. It's much better the more you can Skype or communicate with your partner, because that is the next best thing to being there in person. And taking pictures when you are out and sending them to your partner while you are out, and spontaneously texting (or writing something down to tell him later if he is sleeping and you don't want to wake him).

I have a feeling you are stronger than you believe yourself to be. Any distance is hard, any amount of time away from the one you love is hard, but if you really want something, don't give up so easily on it. Though if you don't think your relationship will survive the distance, then I'm sorry, and still good luck!

I totally agree. My SO and I haven't seen each other in person for almost two years, but we are very much a part of each other's lives. My SO is the biggest part of my daily life, and distance won't ever change that. I love him, he loves me, and we make a way. Like squeeker said, you can involve him more in your life with just a little effort. The little things mean even more in an LDR. It's all about making connections and communicating in any way you can. Spend time playing games together online, eat dinner together over Skype, send each other little personal belongings, send ecards, etc. You get the idea. There are ways if you really care. I love my SO and would rather do the distance with him than have a CDR with anyone else. Yes, it is hard and takes lots of work, but it's worth it for one you love.

However, I realize not every person is cut out for an LDR. Hope you can find what is truly best for you. In the end, you have to ask yourself if you are better off with him or better off without him. Only you can answer that.