We've set an end date...

[80anthea]

Has setting an end date helped at all? It doesn't seem to have helped from the content of your posts.

If it hasn't, then why do it? It seems like you're piling extra pressure on yourselves. It may not work out, maybe you will drift away from each other and the distance may become unbearable. Maybe it already is, if so end it now and move on. If it hasn't then take steps to work things out somehow, but to have such a finite time seems unhelpful in all cases.

[jana89]

What's the point of dating someone you only see once in a while, someone who isn't part of your daily life except through texts and emails and Skype - which I don't really regard as actual life? ...

I date my SO for two and half year - first 6 months were CD and then LD. Before his last visit we went over 6 months without seeing each other, and I mean it literary, cause we donīt do Skype. Do I ask whatīs the point? NO! I donīt have to ask such questions, cause I know the answer - I LOVE HIM!!! Do I feel happy all the time? No, absolutely not. I am often sad and lonely and scared, but that is the life I guess. The moments I see him are so precious to me I wouldnīt change it for gold. To find someone who you love and who loves you back is such a gift, please, donīt give up on it. I know it is freaking hard, but you can do it, you can make it work. Live for the moments you are together and look forward to those moments while you are apart. The distance will end eventually - it may take time, but it will end. Donīt give up on love. The best of luck with everything

[snow]

I have to agree with you, Lils. Long distance relationships are not easy, nor are they for everyone. If the distance is too hard for you and you don't see a point in being with this person, then that is totally fine. We all suffer in the same ways: We don't get to spontaneously see our SOs, we don't get to cuddle or kiss when we feel like it, but that doesn't mean that this person is not part of our life. It becomes what you make of it. If you don't regard this relationship as an "actual life" relationship, then it is not going to be one. My man and I decided from day one that this relationship was just as real as any other and to this day we stick to this standard.

So I am not going to tell you that you should not give up or that you should stick to your man, instead I will tell you that you should figure out how you feel about this person you are dating and if the distance is something you can't overcome for the sake of being with this person.

[differentcountries]

I get what you're all saying, but I'm so tired of the distance... What's the point of dating someone you only see once in a while, someone who isn't part of your daily life except through texts and emails and Skype - which I don't really regard as actual life?

We're constantly texting and stuff but the fact remains that we can't really share the important moments. Our lives are slowly growing apart. We don't get to meet each other's new friends, to do stuff spontanously after work, to kiss and cuddle in the evening. I miss all this. We do tell each other about what we do and feel and everything really, but it's just not the same and I think time hasn't helped in that respect: we're not communicating as much as we used to and sometimes I feel as though I'm no longer a priority of his. His daily life and his job tend to take precedence over me and our time together.

You list two challenges: the distance/non-touch and closeness/priority

Of course, most of us don't like the distance (I know one guy who is pretty comfy. Even he changes his mind about it). It would be better to be able to live closer, perhaps together, and spend much time together, cooking together, socializing, watching a movie, give each other a hug and have sex more often. These are all good things that we, objectively, have less of. I used to resent that very much. I liked Skype and all the rest, but it never seemed enough, so why bother? Should we even be together? The first 2+ months we spent apart (which was basically almost the same as our entire relationship, as we started dating in the middle of my 1 week vacation), I asked myself a lot of these questions. Then I found, it was better just to accept this is a different type of relationship. In some ways, perhaps even a better one. I will never know, but I guess it is more than likely that had it not been for LD, I never not have started doing scrap-booking and loveletter-writing, and he would not go so out of his way to please me on my visit to his home town. Our time together becomes very valuable. Our time apart sometimes become sad little snippets of life-shadows, some times it is ok, other times it is LIFE, full flesh - lively converstions, him using the camera or video for all it's wort to show me what his place looks like and who's there, flirtation with little to slow us down. Another good thing with LD, is that we know for a fact we are serious. I never in my life spent such an ammount of money on a person in such a short time. None of us has sat down with another person like this - our weekend Skyping is like a bedtime ritual, unless something strange comes up we just have to do it.

Which kind of leads me to your concern number two; is a LD a priority? I guess it should be, to the extent it is possable. All of us have work, school and other obligations. The life in flesh will not wait, and that may sometime make it look like the LDR is not so important. I have to wait every night until whatever visiter he has (oh, they sure love to visit late in Turkey) goes home. But... I am the one who gets to talk to him EVERY night. I mean, I am sure he does not even talk to his brother every day. But I am his ritual , I can hardly be overlooked. And he knows if we loose Skype (or call, or text etc.) we loose the relationship; all becomes doubtful.

I think you should talk to him. Tell him that not only do you long to close the distance, and miss his voice and touch everyday, but you also feel he is no longer with you from afar.

A pointer on CD life; Life is not neccesarily all wonderful after you close the distance. You speak as if he is a busy man and he might continue to be so after you two become CD. He may not have time to see your new friends. He may be too tired to to things on a wing after work. And the communicaton problems you have now, may very well continue into your CD life. I am sorry, but even if you say you miss each other and that is so very true, it is also not the whole truth. Because for you to say you can't share and you are mentally apart, when you are one to see each other more than most (it would actually be possable to see each other's new friends) - I think the distance is only partly the challenge we are talking about here.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Due to the distance, time zones, finances, and other complications, we haven't had the opportunity to meet offline, yet, in 4 years, but our Love for each other is VERY REAL, and our relationship is as real as we can make it with the means we have at hand. We don't really have a clue how, when, or even IF we will be able to close the distance any time soon, but we are not setting a time limit on it. All we can do is take it a day at a time. That is what has gotten us as far as we are now.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Has setting an end date helped at all? It doesn't seem to have helped from the content of your posts.

If it hasn't, then why do it? It seems like you're piling extra pressure on yourselves. It may not work out, maybe you will drift away from each other and the distance may become unbearable. Maybe it already is, if so end it now and move on. If it hasn't then take steps to work things out somehow, but to have such a finite time seems unhelpful in all cases.

I agree. Take away some of the pressure, take it a day at a time, and try to find some way to enjoy each other. And try to be busy and happy anyway, when he can't be with you as much as you would like. That seems to be a big lesson in an LDR, a challenge, and a way to grow.

[Lils]

Hi there!
Thanks guys for your helpful advice. I'd like to say that I didn't mean to imply LDRs weren't actual relationships, just that for me (and only me), texts and Skyping weren't enough. English isn't my mother tongue so I may have been unclear. Hope I didn't offend anyone.
That being said, I've thought long and hard about this, and we've rediscussed the topic with my boyfriend, and come to the conclusion that this isn't a good idea. Neither he or I can imagine not being in a relationship with each other, so we've dropped the idea
We're going to try and make it work despite the distance, while hoping to God we can close the distance in the coming months ^^
Differentcountries: you're right, I can't blame everything on the LDR, but then again we used to live close to each other and didn't have communication problems. And during our weekends together none of these problems arises either. He makes time for me, we're on the same page, are emotionally close, hang out with each other's friends and things are generally blissful. You do have a point, though, in that I need to get better at communicating with him whether we are CD or LD. I'm going to work at it very seriously...
I'll keep you guys posted on how everything evolves, but I'd like to express how grateful I am for all the kind support I got on these forums

[piratemama]

Congratulations. Your recent post made me smile. I hope it works out well. Let us know if we can help in any way.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Good to hear you decided to try to make it work, and not give up. Just take it a day at a time, and enjoy each other. That's really what it's all about.

[differentcountries]

Differentcountries: you're right, I can't blame everything on the LDR, but then again we used to live close to each other and didn't have communication problems. And during our weekends together none of these problems arises either.

That is the hailmark of LDR. Most of us live more or less happily when close distance and not so happily apart. Communicating well over the distance and putting up with the longing, the waiting and the insecurities is a skill that needs to be developed, because ugly fighting can be tempting and that is like a death star to the LDR. I am sure that if you can make LD work, you have created a level of communication that will be helpful to your relationships beyong the LD. Have you tried out different communication tools? I find the love langues and non violent communication very helpful - especially the structure of NVC where I can only ask concrete questions about things I want done (no accucations dressed up as questions) helps me to hold my tounge. The best of luck and keep ust posted

[OperaDiva]

You list two challenges: the distance/non-touch and closeness/priority

Of course, most of us don't like the distance (I know one guy who is pretty comfy. Even he changes his mind about it). It would be better to be able to live closer, perhaps together, and spend much time together, cooking together, socializing, watching a movie, give each other a hug and have sex more often. These are all good things that we, objectively, have less of. I used to resent that very much. I liked Skype and all the rest, but it never seemed enough, so why bother? Should we even be together? The first 2+ months we spent apart (which was basically almost the same as our entire relationship, as we started dating in the middle of my 1 week vacation), I asked myself a lot of these questions. Then I found, it was better just to accept this is a different type of relationship. In some ways, perhaps even a better one. I will never know, but I guess it is more than likely that had it not been for LD, I never not have started doing scrap-booking and loveletter-writing, and he would not go so out of his way to please me on my visit to his home town. Our time together becomes very valuable. Our time apart sometimes become sad little snippets of life-shadows, some times it is ok, other times it is LIFE, full flesh - lively converstions, him using the camera or video for all it's wort to show me what his place looks like and who's there, flirtation with little to slow us down. Another good thing with LD, is that we know for a fact we are serious. I never in my life spent such an ammount of money on a person in such a short time. None of us has sat down with another person like this - our weekend Skyping is like a bedtime ritual, unless something strange comes up we just have to do it.

Which kind of leads me to your concern number two; is a LD a priority? I guess it should be, to the extent it is possable. All of us have work, school and other obligations. The life in flesh will not wait, and that may sometime make it look like the LDR is not so important. I have to wait every night until whatever visiter he has (oh, they sure love to visit late in Turkey) goes home. But... I am the one who gets to talk to him EVERY night. I mean, I am sure he does not even talk to his brother every day. But I am his ritual , I can hardly be overlooked. And he knows if we loose Skype (or call, or text etc.) we loose the relationship; all becomes doubtful.

I think you should talk to him. Tell him that not only do you long to close the distance, and miss his voice and touch everyday, but you also feel he is no longer with you from afar.

A pointer on CD life; Life is not neccesarily all wonderful after you close the distance. You speak as if he is a busy man and he might continue to be so after you two become CD. He may not have time to see your new friends. He may be too tired to to things on a wing after work. And the communicaton problems you have now, may very well continue into your CD life. I am sorry, but even if you say you miss each other and that is so very true, it is also not the whole truth. Because for you to say you can't share and you are mentally apart, when you are one to see each other more than most (it would actually be possable to see each other's new friends) - I think the distance is only partly the challenge we are talking about here.

I wish I could give you rep for this excellently put!