Really need some positive thoughts!

[PrincessJOE]

Hey there, I guess I just need to put some things down to words to let them out, I don't even know if I have an actual question or what.

Well, I've been in a LDR with my SO for 10 months. We are both in our 20s, I'm still a student, while he is workin (and he is actually pretty busy with it). Basically, all I have to say, is I miss him like crazy. We haven't been able to meet in the last 8 months for various reasons, and we probably have other 4 to go and right now it looks like forever to me.
Apart from the fact I miss him loads there're few things that kinda make me really miserable.
I kinda feel a big neglected lately, even if I really can't say anything bad about him. What I mean is fully trust him, I know he cares about me and I know he is an extremely indipendent and practical guy. But sometimes I feel kinda left apart. He used to look for more contact in the beginning, say nice things and stuff, while now he rarely does that. For example, this evening he is going out and i wished him to have fun, while he didn't even asked me if i am doing anything. i know it's not the end of the world, but it was just to give you an idea of what i mean.
At the same time I also know I'm praticularly emotional, so i need to let my feelings out MUCH more than he does. So i don't know where actually is the line between being a bit too "needy" and him being a bit too much in his comfort zone.

I talked about it to him already, but it didn't really solve anything. He sees my point and he is sorry i feel this way. He says it's just the honeymoon period being over so it's normal for him being that way, as he normally isn't the kind of person who lets things out (AT ALL!).

Apart from all this, I know he truly cares about me and we completely trust each other.
Any suggestion about how to make this weakness moment of mine pass?

[Jaac]

I can really, REALLY relate!
I'm so sorry you havent seen each other in such a long time, and you still have quite a while to go
Especially when you have a bad day already, it feels like you will never survive those 4 months (or more?)
Only thing I can say that might help you is something everybody says.. And it's really boring to hear.
Here it comes: keep yourself busy.
Maybe try and make some semi big plans once a month. Like go away with a friend for 2 days, go to an attraction park, re-do your bedroom. Anything.
Because you devide your time in little bits, it makes the LONG wait a bit more manageble.

As for the 'lack of attention'. I know how you feel.
As for the emotional part. I know how you feel.
If it were up to me, my SO would send me a sweet message every other hour. Asking me what i'm doing and telling me he loves me.
It's just not his thing. He loves me. I know that. But for him sometimes it is enough to have a brief conversation once a day.
not for me! I want to know what he''s doing, how he's feeling, how things are going, blablabla.
I guess it's just a communication thing that men have.

One thing I have discovered is that you don't want to let your SO know you want more attention too often. Or whine about it to him. It will probably make him feel like you don't appreciate him and maybe he doesn't even really know what he's doing wrong or how to fix it.
When you are really struggeling with it and you feel like it makes you grow apart, you should definately discuss it seriously.
Otherwise, maybe that;s just how he is. Maybe he's busy with stuff and he doesn't have time to send a message.
Try and chill out a bit. Do your own things yourself as well..
Maybe it's totally different next week or the week after

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I can definitely understand your feelings. Been there, done that so many times. It drives him crazy sometimes, and that makes him back away for a while. It's something I have had to learn to accept, that he has his own life, with his own responsibilities and obligations, his own interests and hobbies, and his own friends. And sometimes, life just gets in the way. That frustrates both of us sometimes, but that is the reality. He has his own life on his side of the Equator, and I have mine on my side. And sometimes our online world gets the short end of the deal, and our relationship doesn't have the priority both of us would like it to have. It's just the way it is.

The only way to survive those times when I feel neglected is to get busy and do something for me, something I enjoy doing. What I have discovered is that the times I am busy enjoying my own life is when he starts giving me more attention, too. And when both of us are busy enjoying our lives, it gives us more to talk about, too. On the other hand, I have noticed that if I complain or cry to him about it too much, it frustrates him, because he feels he is doing the best he can, under the circumstances, and feels guilty that he sometimes can't give me the attention I want or need. Then I feel bad about making him feel that way, when it isn't his fault.

It isn't always easy, but both of us have to be happy with our lives, so we can have the energy it takes to keep our LDR going strong. That takes a lot of love, trust, and faith in each other. And LOTS of acceptance, patience and understanding.

[ldrxoxo]

I know exactly what you mean. This happened to me, too. I talked about it with him before, too and nothing changed until finally now! He used to message me every chance he got and then he fell off the face of the earth. As long as he isn't into another girl, I guess I'm okay with talking less. I don't think he knows how to prioritize his time anymore. I guess we were so used to our own schedules before we met that we didn't have to make time for anyone and when more people started talking to us in our towns, idk, we were distancing ourselves because like you, I'm not sure when I'll meet my interest soon, either. Just give it some time, keep busy, and hopefully he will come around that's all you can do. If you two have a bonding thing that you want to remind him of, maybe try that. My interest and I bond over things and I reminded him of the good times how we used to talk and stuff, and it worked a little bit. I said I know the distance is hard but the good times are so worth it.

[Chlo]

I can relate to this topic. I think most of us can.
I'm hugely over emotional, it's silly and even sometimes I can see it in myself (once I step back).
For me, it seems like my SO used to be so much more into me. Wanted to talk all the time, play games with me etc., but now it's different. We talk less, play games together less and sometimes, yeah ok it hurts but I know he still cares and loves me.
I'm sure it's the same for you. We just have to try get over it. I loved the honeymoon phase, but you can't be in it forever, sadly!

[piratemama]

This may sound silly, but be a little mysterious. I don't mean to play cruel games with him, but make him wonder every so often what you are doing. If he asks, tell him, but don't give him every little single detail of your life upfront. Back off slightly and let him chase you some, so he doesn't feel smothered or backed into a corner. And, when you do talk, make sure the conversation is a warm, loving, affirming place for him. Be playful and fun to talk with, and listen to him. Ask him questions to get him to open up about his thoughts and feelings on everything, even the news. Make him desire time with you and miss it when he doesn't have it.

Be confident in yourself. Tell yourself that you are a prize, and he will sense that attitude. Still be loving to him, but be confident in yourself.

[differentcountries]

I would suggest not opening up for your thoughts so much, but rather sum up what you are feeling in one word and then ask for him to do something. Like : "I am feeling overwealmed right now, can you give me a (virtual) hug?

Also, try just doing something different.Whatever you did, try out something else. Perhaps you will find it boring, then you don't have to do it again. Perhaps it will work. Regardless, it will give the bf a signal that this woman is not stuck in a rut - when something is not working, she goes out of her way to find a solution. Just knowing that can feel good.

Also I reccomend the two of you taking the test for Love Languages; https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

This may sound silly, but be a little mysterious. I don't mean to play cruel games with him, but make him wonder every so often what you are doing. If he asks, tell him, but don't give him every little single detail of your life upfront. Back off slightly and let him chase you some, so he doesn't feel smothered or backed into a corner. And, when you do talk, make sure the conversation is a warm, loving, affirming place for him. Be playful and fun to talk with, and listen to him. Ask him questions to get him to open up about his thoughts and feelings on everything, even the news. Make him desire time with you and miss it when he doesn't have it.

Be confident in yourself. Tell yourself that you are a prize, and he will sense that attitude. Still be loving to him, but be confident in yourself.

I like your ideas! I have a tendency to chase after him too much sometimes. Sometimes, he tells me straight out to slow down and let him chase me. So I've been letting him lead, and the results are amazing! He loves to take charge and give me the attention I crave. He just doesn't like it when I pressure him.

[PrincessJOE]

Thanks everybody for your positive words and your suggestion! It's really nice to write here cos you actually understand what it feels like, while if i talk to most of the other people they have no idea what it's like being in a ldr.

Many of you suggested to keep myself busy (as id actually suggest myself too indeed ahah) the thing is it's not that easy cos i don't have much free time at all. it may sound like a great thing the fact i don't have much spare time, and it is, but at the same time (being that what keeps me that busy is university and studying) it's also something that gives me the chance to let my mind go quite a bit, so it doesnt really solve the problem. When i do have free time i try to do keep myself busy with something more practical, like little jobs at home and so on, and it is much better. most of the time though, i cant do it.

it's kind of a relief reading many of you have felt the same though, it makes me think im not being a weirdo or things like that. and i do notice, as someone said, that men tend to be different in this kind of things. thats why i try not to whine and complain to him cos i don't want to change the way he is, i want him to feel free to do what he wants and feels like doing. but sometimes it's SO HARD, that even if i succeed not to let it out to him, it kinda burns me from the inside and i end up for having a terrible day myself.

PirateMama: thanks for your suggestion about being mysterious. i did think about that too, and did that now and then. but i find it really difficult ahah. i miss him so much that i really struggle. but i will try harder and hope itll work. thank you!

[Ahava]

This may sound silly, but be a little mysterious. I don't mean to play cruel games with him, but make him wonder every so often what you are doing. If he asks, tell him, but don't give him every little single detail of your life upfront. Back off slightly and let him chase you some, so he doesn't feel smothered or backed into a corner. And, when you do talk, make sure the conversation is a warm, loving, affirming place for him. Be playful and fun to talk with, and listen to him. Ask him questions to get him to open up about his thoughts and feelings on everything, even the news. Make him desire time with you and miss it when he doesn't have it.

Be confident in yourself. Tell yourself that you are a prize, and he will sense that attitude. Still be loving to him, but be confident in yourself.

THIS! I absolutely love this advice and could learn from it myself!

[BlueCat]

Don't worry, you're not a weirdo :P I feel like all the time I ask my SO how his day was or how work went or I'll tell him about something I have coming up, and then he never asks about how things went for me. He does ask how I am, but that's a bit different to asking what I've been up to. Not that I couldn't just tell him, but it's a nice feeling to have him ask to know that he's thinking of me etc. In some ways it does seem stupid, but when you're long distance, I feel like all those little things are what's really important.

So I don't think I've really got any advice to give, but just hang in there. The other's are right that you can't bring the same thing up too often, it becomes annoying to the other person and can make it seem like you're not actually all that serious about it. One longer serious discussion, is better than 6 smaller ones.

[PrincessJOE]

Exactly BlueCat, you perfectly got the point.
It may sound a bit silly, but when I do try to act the same way he does and being a bit mysterious i'm kinda scared that in his business he won't even notice that and it'll just push him away. Does it make any sense?
Pushing him away isn't my goal of course, so what?

I absolutely agree with all of you about not bringing the topic up too much once we've talked about it already, i don't really want to bring any bad mood when it's not strictly needed!