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Confusing behavior from SO...is it the distance, cultural or am I getting played?

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    #1

    Confusing behavior from SO...is it the distance, cultural or am I getting played?

    Hello experienced LDR world,
    Requesting honest, straightforward guidance please...We are 2.5 months into this adventure and all has been great up to this week. We met in person while I was on a vacation trip to SE Asia. Met on island in Indonesia. He works/lives there FT. We had an amazing 4 days of fun together before I came home and have communicated primarily through texts (2x skype) since Jan 15. I recently confirmed plans to return to Indonesia in late May - which would be a little over 4 months since we met. We both have been very excited about getting to see each other again.
    But...this week, his txts have been out of the norm - both in time and content. I received a text from him from another device (an apple) that he claims not to have. The icloud account that was captured thru my iphone contacts listed a different last name than what he gave me. I looked him up on FB and there he is however he has never indicated to me he has a FB. So...on the outside, it feels like a big fat lie. But, before I pull away, I wanted to ask if this "hiding his life from me at this early point in our new relationship" could be cultural or due to our distance in anyway? I am not a jealous girl, nor do I expect to know everything about him - I just want to get to know him as you would in a relationship at home...Any advice or insights? Thanks so much - DCT
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    #2
    I think you need to talk to him and ask him outright what is going on. Say you've seen him on FB and see how he reacts. My SO actually uses a different name in his e-mail and FB to what he goes by, long story he was given a Christian name at birth but everyone calls him his nickname but his e-mail and FB are in his proper name. It confused me to start with!

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      #3
      Hello Don´t know if I have much of advice for your, but ... Well, it all sounds kinda weird and suspicious to me, so I say, talk to him, ask him without blaming him or accusing him, just want an explanation. Generally, I would say hiding of anything in the relationship isn´t very good sign, but it may be different than it looks. Good luck

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        #4
        I would simply ask him! My facebook name used to be different than my real last name, because I was convinced I needed some kind of privacy and I figured if I have a different name they can't stalk me too much, I also used a different first name.. long story.

        Relationship began: 05/22/2012
        First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
        Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
        Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
        Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
        Married: 1/24/2015
        Became Resident: 9/14/2015

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          #5
          I also use a different last name for a lot of things. Practically everything actually, unless it's something official. But for 97% of my online accounts, I use my middle name instead of my last name.
          What does seem odd to me is him saying he didn't have the device. Unless he had JUST gotten it and hadn't mentioned it yet.
          "You let me in your heart and out of my head." ♥

          Comment

            #6
            Yeah I agree with the others that you should ask him, but without acting suspicious right now, because it could be a perfectly innocent reason like the others have said. And it might be just because it's new and maybe he doesn't go on facebook much and that's the only reason he hasn't linked you yet, because he might not see it as important. Just let him know how you feel, and use the "I feel.." statements instead of "You.." so he doesn't think you are attacking him or already suspicious or not trusting of him. Though you are in a new relationship, so I think it is normal to have these things, as you get to know each other. But if it still seems suspicious after you talk to him calmly, then maybe he is hiding something or maybe he is a nervous person.. just be careful!

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              #7
              Just ask the guy about the apple and the different names. My SO has a different name than we use for his FB/emails because that is his given name. I found that very strange at first, now I am used to it. It is normal to not tell all in the beginning, also he may not be aware that you find these things important. If you want him to be in contact with you on FB, just add him (or it may not be him... there are people with the same name that may even look similar). Don't see what culture has to do with it. Ask him and take it from there.
              I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
              - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



              "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

              Comment

                #8
                Originally posted by DCT View Post
                Hello experienced LDR world,
                Requesting honest, straightforward guidance please...
                Can I just thank you for having the best attitude I've ever seen on this site in regards to asking for advice! What a refreshing post.

                In regards to your post, I use different names online and on devices in case they are lost/stolen. That to me is not a huge red flag. The change in his behavior could just be pre-visit nerves. Or he could just be going through something this week that he will tell you about later. I don't think you should be too worried yet.

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                  #9
                  It sounds pretty weird to me to be honest? Ask him about it and the name (though that's not huge deal I use a fake name for everything I have ) but I would still talk to him about it. It's pretty hard to give advice since there isn't much detail yet but keep us posted on anything new

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                    #10
                    IMO, It's just too early to say. Be careful and have fun but for now no problem with keeping your eyes on your back. If he is legit you will know soon enough, but even if just a friend then enjoy meeting someone new from abroad.
                    "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
                    Benjamin Franklin

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                      #11
                      Thank you all for the responses as they are so very helpful!

                      As an update we were able to skype briefly and have traded a few emails over the last 24 hours. I have asked the questions you all indicated in a very respectful and non accusingly way and his responses both via Skype and email have been very reassuring and honest. I believe he has provided honest answers that indicate a shyness trait and perhaps a good case of nerves. He was able to easily explain the other device ( was his a while back but sold it to a friend and then recently borrowed it back when his phone didn't work) and he indicated that he is not that big a fan if FB (me either really).

                      I think there is a lot for us to learn about each other but at the same time in the grand scale of it all, I was / am just a bit afraid of the LDR itself. I think he may be as well but still encouraged my return visit very much saying that we have so much to discover about each other before we give up. Net:Net - I am going to keep my plans for now and try to step back from it all a bit and just look at this as a fun trip to see an amazing human. We will see about the rest...

                      Thanks again for your guidance and encouragement. I just can't express enough how much it means to me

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