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**snow_girl** · March 23, 2014, 05:52 PM

So I'm getting the feeling she is more and more interested, but I know she has been so busy she probably hasn't had time to really think things through fully.

Thinking doesn't require time. You can think while you take a shit. She's thought about it, and most likely know what she wants. If she isn't telling you that she is interested when you ask and says wait and see, its more like no but I don't want to hurt your feelings so I'll put it off longer cause I like the attention.

**Chillosaurus** · March 23, 2014, 06:13 PM

Originally posted by monkinlove View Post

[...] I told her I was interested in her. She said she had to wait and see. [...] Which is completely understandable.
[...] I've sent her a Valentines gift and a recently a card. Both she really liked.

Pretty sure, that she is not interested in having more. As snow_girl said..
Wait for her to contact you. When she comes up to you make it very very explicit to her that you are not interested in having a friendship with her, because you would have to pretend to be someone you are not. Meet other girls inbetween.
Your "understandable" is YOUR rationalisation. If a girl likes a guy, she would come up to him.

In February of 2014 we hung out for like 2 full days. Things seem to be going well.

Define "going well". Handholding, Kissing, Petting, Sex,...
Just asking, because it sounds very much, like she might be keeping you distant.

[...] I'm curious if she will invite me to her graduation. I think if she does that will be a pretty big indication that she is interested.

... and if you are very lucky, she will introduce you to her boyfriend. You also invite good friends to parties...

[...] All that being said, is there a general time frame of when people tend to become exclusive in an LDR?[...]

Strongly cultural dependent. Many are boyfriend- girlfriend, but not exclusive. You shouldn't worry about this, it is usually the girl who comes up with it.
Before you go and see her, make sure it is on the terms, you are envisioning for your relation(ship) (e.g. give her the above statement and keep your position).

**NerdyChick** · March 23, 2014, 06:38 PM

I can't really speak to your current situation because I don't know her or you, but some people choose to be exclusive from the very beginning, some chose to wait until they meet in person for the first time (if you met online first) and some people may just want to have certain things in their life figured out before bringing a relationship and partner into the mix. Though I will say it doesn't take long to know if you've got something that's worth building on in a romantic sense with someone else. My SO and I were friends first, so the first year or so of knowing each other was on a friendship level, but I always found him charming, sweet, supportive, from our first talk I was just like, "Wow, this guy is amazing." And from the moment we decided to be together, it was understood that we were exclusive, in it together or not at all (this was before meeting face-to-face) I didn't want to commit to an LDR that was going to span at least 4 years if either of us wasn't sure or were wishy washy about what we wanted. So we've been exclusive from the day we decided to commit to being together. I mean, you said you told her your were interested in pursuing a relationship, I can understand saying "wait and see" if she just wanted to graduate and sort of get her life settled before saying yes to that. But did she explain that she was also interested in you and just needed to get her life settled? Or did she just tell you "wait and see" without any explanation as to why she couldn't let you know? One sounds like a fairly logical reason, the other sounds like she's stringing you along. I hope the best for you though. It just seems like you shouldn't have to be guessing where she stands or what she wants to do. If you're already waiting for her (sounds like you are) it would be better know where she's at with things and if you are just a friend or could be something more in the long run.

**Unconditional** · March 23, 2014, 07:54 PM

Honestly, NerdyChick has done a pretty thorough job of answering this.

**Dezface** · March 23, 2014, 08:16 PM

I think you tend to know pretty quickly if you're interested in pursuing a relationship with someone. The fact that she won't give you a direct answer speaks volumes. I would have a serious conversation with her where you let her know exactly what you want. If she's still wishy washy and non-committal, then at that point I think you have your answer.

**differentcountries** · March 23, 2014, 08:30 PM

Well, I would say it is a bit rude to start sleeping with new people if you are dating /exploring what could be a relationship. I guess I am not sure how people can go a long period without defining the relationship. Of course a relationship can include more than two people. If you are close, it should be ok to discuss relationship rules.

**monkinlove** · March 23, 2014, 11:19 PM

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your insight, thoughts, comments and views.

I am almost 100% she isn't leading me on. It's not an official relationship. So we are both open to possibly dating someone else. I'm still on eharmony (and so is she) and I've looked at a few people, but I still am more interested in her. I highly doubt she is being deceptive. Moreover, we both have a goal in life that is pretty hard to find in other people. I don't want to go into it, but we both have a lifelong goal that we both happen to have and it's highly unlikely that we will find someone with the same goal. So it's strange that we both found each other on eharmony with that goal. Nevertheless, I'm not banking on that being our only connection, but it is something that is making us put more weight on a possible relationship than I think we would otherwise.

I'm willing to wait as she graduates in a few months to approach the issue of clarifying the relationship. I would rather do it in person. She said she needs time to settle down and get somethings in her life straight so I'm willing to take that gamble. It may not go my way, but that is a risk I'm willing to take. I'm willing to wait 3 or 4 more months. I'm not willing to wait forever or to be strung along. Believe me. I'm pretty up front when I need to be.

Also on eharmony she is seems very open to both a longerish term long distance relationship. Also she literally has as an answer to a question that if there isn't that initial strong attraction, that working toward building that attraction over time is something she is willing to do. We haven't gone into it deeply yet, but that could be what she is doing. So I'm taking those things into consideration.

Chillosaurs - there is a cultural and religious aspect of this that could have an impact in some ways, but I'm trying to make my question as simple and as general as possible to get the most insight, comments.

Nerdychick, you made some great points. Without getting to into, I'm pretty sure she is interested in me on some level, but I'm not sure what level yet. Again, I didn't want to get that intense talking with her in our first meeting together. However, that will be something I approach later if it gets to that point.

Dezface - yeah, if she continues to be noncommittal when we approach the subject again, then I agree. I'll move on and that is my answer more or less.

Differentcountries - yeah, I'm a virgin and I'm celibate so I'm definitely not sleeping around. She is a Christian too and I have a pretty good idea that based on religion and culture she isn't sleeping around either. However, the dating option is open for both of us still. Nevertheless, I am pursuing her still exclusively and she is receptive toward it. Thus, I am willing to give this time because I think she is pretty special and we have the same goal in life. I'm not going to wait another year, but I can give her months to find out what she plans to do in the near future and if I am a part of it.

It's a risk, a calculated risk, but a risk I'm willing to take nonetheless. I am very careful who I take risks with. The women I have done so (taken that risk) are very VERY few and far between. I'm an unmarried/never married 38 year old without kids and without a lot of baggage to bring into a relationship. She is an unmarried and never married 35 year old woman with no kids. We both have similar interests, same beliefs, and the same goal in life. I'm not going to find many women like that at my age with a girl close to my age. She is a risk worth taking for many reasons, but I'm also not a total idiot or desperate. I could get lots of women (especially since I look 10 years younger than my age), but I am very particular about the type of woman I want. She meets almost everyone of those goals and even some I wouldn't even use to measure. So it's a risk worth taking and she is definitely a woman I am willing to wait a few months for and even longer if we are going into a LDR.

Nevertheless, I appreciate peoples concerns, insights, thoughts, warnings, views comments. I really do. The more the merrier. Even if it is blunt "bad news" comments. I can take it and I'll always take it under consideration.

-Monk

**Chillosaurus** · March 24, 2014, 01:20 AM

Originally posted by monkinlove View Post

[...]I'm willing to wait as she graduates in a few months to approach the issue of clarifying the relationship. I would rather do it in person. She said she needs time to settle down and get somethings in her life straight so I'm willing to take that gamble. It may not go my way, but that is a risk I'm willing to take. I'm willing to wait 3 or 4 more months. I'm not willing to wait forever or to be strung along. Believe me. I'm pretty up front when I need to be.

You should not wait. You seem to feel confused about it right now (why else would you ask the forum) and you should always get things from the table right when they come up, not carry them around for some month. It would be a bad start into a relationship (or no contact).

If you are not sure if she is interested do this:
Wait for her to contact you. When she comes up to you make it very very explicit to her that you are not interested in having a friendship with her, because you would have to pretend to be someone you are not.
Do not force her towards commiting in a relationship. She should bring that up some day, not you.

Chillosaurs - there is a cultural and religious aspect of this that could have an impact in some ways, but I'm trying to make my question as simple and as general as possible to get the most insight, comments.[...]

Yes, culture has an impact, moslems don't date...
I am with "friends don't kiss (on the lips)". So you have missed out an important question. I personally would not think of having a relationship untill I have found out that we work well together also in the bedroom (or alternative locations).

I'm a virgin and I'm celibate so I'm definitely not sleeping around.[...]I'm [..]without kids[...]

I hope you know where kids come from... (and you can take a little joke)

**silvermoonfairy3** · March 24, 2014, 11:13 AM

I agree with people saying that the two of you should have a talk and see exactly what's up, but I disagree that everyone knows quickly if they want to be in a relationship with someone or not.

I'm not like that, at all. My strongest crushes and people I wanted to be in a relationship with the most tended to come up with guy friends I had known for a few years. While sometimes I do find strange guys attractive, I'm not often attracted *to* them. For me, attraction develops over time as I get closer to someone and learn their personality better.

It sucks for dating, because everyone assumes it means I'm not interested in a new guy, when really I need time to figure it out.

Current partner thinks that's why LDR has worked so well (so far) for me and him. It's given me lots of time to get to know him, for us to talk and laugh and connect, and my attraction to and desire for him has grown over that time. We clicked on some level, an ease of talking level, right from the start, but I wouldn't have known if I wanted a relationship with him (especially the LD aspect).

I don't know your SO, I don't know the situation, but I don't automatically think of it as a red flag. If you guys talk sometimes now, I'd keep at that, and yeah, have the bigger discussion at some point.

**NerdyChick** · March 24, 2014, 02:50 PM

I second Silvermoonfairly, people go at different paces, and I too was friends with my SO before I fell in love with him. We were talking everyday for about 6 or 7 months before I started to really pick up on the fact that I was thinking about him all the time, everything reminded me of him, I was experiencing those "butterflies," and I couldn't help but smile when I thought about anything involving him. That's when I knew it was more than friendship from my angle. It took another 6-7 months before either of us confessed, though both of us started to feel the same way around the same time. We had video chatted, but never met in person, we were just friends. And I think that's a great way to be, I always thought he was an amazing person, we had a lot in common, approached life the same way, supported each other in good times and bad. That's what friends do and those are also great building blocks for something more. There was no pressure to be a girl he would find desirable because we weren't "dating," I was just myself, and he was just himself, flaws and everything. And eventually I realized he was on my mind all day, and I was telling my family about him, and smiling like a goof ball. I had even had a few guys ask me out while I was talking to him and I politely turned them down because they just weren't him. No one was as kind, caring, supportive, shared as much in common with me, or made me feel as unconditionally accepted as him. Fast forward after we both confessed how we felt and we had our first visit (this month will be our third) and have been together for almost 2 years. You can get to know each other for as long as you want or need, it takes time for some people to know, and for her that may mean more time and communication (Do you communicate often?) and just getting to know you better. There's no shame in that. But what I meant with my original post is that once people usually decide to enter into an official relationship together (however long that may take) that's when people generally decide to be exclusive with one another.

**monkinlove** · March 24, 2014, 08:22 PM

That's what is great about a forum is you are supposed to get a wide variety of opinions. Some of them line up more or less and sometimes they give differing insight to each situation, individual and relationship.

Silvermoonfairy - Thank you for your individual insight and situation. That is helpful. I don't think my SO is exactly like you, but she may be similar. She seems to slowly be warming up to me and getting more comfortable with me. Meeting in person seems to have helped out a lot. Now that I think about, I forgot in an email she did say it takes her time to get to know someone and find out if she likes them. Geez, I can't believe I forgot about that until just now. So again, thank you for your perspective and insight. Taking the time out to comment.

I'm still somewhat of a noob on relationships and especially relationships in the LDR context. So this is part of being on a forum. To gain wisdom from others.

NerdyChick - Thanks again for your comment. We do communicate almost daily through text. Weekly through email. Every other week on the phone. She is super busy with her last semester of grad school. She is not like other people. She needs a lot of time to focus and no distractions. She works better like that. However, she does try to make time to talk. I have a feeling when she is done with school we will have more time to communicate. Again, part of my reason why I'm willing to wait and see what happens and how we are post-grad.

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