Post-visit blues and revelation

[OperaDiva]

I think anybody in an LDR who has met their SO knows what I am talking about - the feeling after you or your SO leaves. Sadness, fear, fatigue, craving a hug and a kiss. Thankfully I have to teach and write papers so there is no excuse to stay at home and feel sorry for myself.
I came back from a week-long visit yesterday, and in my tired haze (5 hours of sleep followed by two plane-rides with turbulence), I had a little epiphany. At one point I thought to myself "well, this is the same feeling as being broken up". Woah. Talk about eye-opener. I realized why I was feeling so despondent every time one of us had to leave - my subconscious equated it to the feeling of a break up, a horrible feeling no doubt, but one that I am familiar with and know how to deal with somehow. But of course, it is far from that. I had felt weird the first night of my visit, and I think this is the reason exactly - deep deep deep down I had believed we were broken up and it was weird that I was with him again, and I was supposed to open up to him, be vulnerable, and ultimately feel the pain again.

Yes, I know, talk about over-thinking. I don't know what is the point I am trying to make, except that maybe there is something good about re-tuning the way I think about things, so that I don't get sucked into depression. I remember somebody on this forum advising to go from "I only saw him for 3 days" to "I got to see him for 3 days!", which is a great point. Peace all, and lets keep going.

[differentcountries]

Yes, I think you are right. The emotion is a little like being dumped. It doesn't help that SO deals with grief by being distant, which I interprete as rejection. Plus the exhaustion of catching up with work /sleep adds to the almost depressed -feeling.

[Elli]

Oh I know how you feel, and I guess everyone here does.

I said goodbye to my SO this morning after 10 lovely days. He had to go to work and I am still in his room waiting until I have to go to the airport. Its a terrible feeling to sit here in the same country still and being unable to see him

I think I can relate to what you said. Saying goodbye really feels a bit like breaking up. Every time I am with him I am so happy and then suddenly he is gone again and all I feel is frustration and disappointment.
But I like what you said in the end. I should see it in a positiv way and turn my way of thinking around!

[piratemama]

That is an epiphany. It is an interesting point. I'll try to remember this when my SO and I visit in June. If we are aware of this process, we might can control how much it affects us. This makes lots of sense to me and explains the difficulty of getting used to seeing them again and having such a hard time apart. Thanks for sharing.

I'm glad you had a visit, and I'm really sorry you are going through the sad part of the goodbyes.

[nottheprincesspeach]

I get it feeling like a break up. One person has to leave at the end of a visit. Leaving feels like breaking up indeed. I am dealing with the leaving part right now. It has made my SO and I's relationship strained as he is leaving for a promotion. I have had to deal with the "he's leaving me" feeling a lot, and it is a challenge. He has been very helpful, telling me what we are going to do when I come visit and talking through things with me. For a while we just didn't talk about it. Now that we are talking and being emotionally honest it is easier. When we avoid admitting we are sad or something it's hard to let those feelings go. When we share and both know we feel that way we focus better on the moment.

[Ahava]

I have to agree, it does feel like breaking up/being abandoned. Should try and concentrate on the positives!
Luckily spring is coming and life will feel so much better

[OperaDiva]

Thank you it is good to feel like I am heard and not alone (although I don't wish this to anyone of course). I know the sadness will pass, but it is still hard and it makes me feel very tired. Tomorrow will be better.

[sarahjane1992]

I'm almost 2 weeks post visit and I'm still feeling the sadness. It always passes and having a plan for our next visit always helps. But I have to take time and process how I feel. I agree OP! Tomorrow will be better!

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I think anybody in an LDR who has met their SO knows what I am talking about - the feeling after you or your SO leaves. Sadness, fear, fatigue, craving a hug and a kiss. Thankfully I have to teach and write papers so there is no excuse to stay at home and feel sorry for myself.
I came back from a week-long visit yesterday, and in my tired haze (5 hours of sleep followed by two plane-rides with turbulence), I had a little epiphany. At one point I thought to myself "well, this is the same feeling as being broken up". Woah. Talk about eye-opener. I realized why I was feeling so despondent every time one of us had to leave - my subconscious equated it to the feeling of a break up, a horrible feeling no doubt, but one that I am familiar with and know how to deal with somehow. But of course, it is far from that. I had felt weird the first night of my visit, and I think this is the reason exactly - deep deep deep down I had believed we were broken up and it was weird that I was with him again, and I was supposed to open up to him, be vulnerable, and ultimately feel the pain again.

Yes, I know, talk about over-thinking. I don't know what is the point I am trying to make, except that maybe there is something good about re-tuning the way I think about things, so that I don't get sucked into depression. I remember somebody on this forum advising to go from "I only saw him for 3 days" to "I got to see him for 3 days!", which is a great point. Peace all, and lets keep going.

Thank you so much for this insight! It feels the same way when we go a few days or a week or two without contact, because of being busy, or sometimes just needing some space. It always feels like we are breaking up, even though I know it's just a temporary thing. And it is so easy to get into a woe is me attitude, which can lead to depression. Instead, I should think of our happy times together, and look forward to more happy times with him. And I should keep myself busy and happy, so we have more to talk about when we are together.

[Yaaamiii]

It doesn't help that SO deals with grief by being distant, which I interprete as rejection.

I get the same way. Whenever my SO becomes distance, I interpret it as rejection...it really sucks. And I can totally understand the breaking up feeling. It's not a great emotion to go through .

[Elli]

Yesterday I replied to this post before I left my SO's country for the next weeks again being optimistic and hopeful.

And today I am so caught in the post-visit depression. I hate this so much, these ups and downs between being together and apart..
I need some positive thoughts so I can be optimistic. Right now I feel so weak and like giving up so much!

[OperaDiva]

Be good to yourself Elli get yourself a treat, take a long bath or do something that brings you comfort. It usually helps me if I do some chores because I get caught in the practical thoughts and time passes quicker. And I end up with a cleaner house, which is a bonus

[Elli]

Thank you i have to work seven hours this afternoon, so there won't be much nice relaxing time for me. I guess I'll be distracted though ^^
But maybe i will clean my flat tomorrow like you suggest. Or bake something
Good to be not alone with the sad thoughts!