Trying not to be bitter/annoyed

[bluedelphine]

I have a friend who is currently dating a guy (has been for about 5 years) and he has just temporarily moved about 2 1/2 hours away for an internship. They probably see each other about once a month to once every other month. Sometimes I find it really hard to not be annoyed at her when she talks about how long it has been since they have seen each other especially when I have been separated from my SO and we have visa restrictions on top of that that makes it feels like the distance is even further.

I know that distance is subjective and if my partner lived 2 1/2 hours away I would miss him there too. I'm just needing to vent I guess (and I'm trying not to sound like an awful person by doing it) because sometimes when she talks to me about it, it just makes me angry and hurt since she is so much closer and maybe I'm a bit jealous because it seems like such less of an obstacle to only be a couple hours away, in the same state, and citizens of the same country.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking, just maybe how to maintain a good attitude around her when she brings it up. Because I want to be supportive it's just kind of hard right now.

[snow_girl]

[removed]

[CanadianGirl]

If it was a good friend of mine, I'd just say "Hey man, I know it's hard on you but distance is a sore spot for me and I'd like it if we avoided talking about it". If it was just some casual acquaintance, I'd just let it go entirely.

[nottheprincesspeach]

My roommate is in the same situation. My boyfriend is moving 8 hours away. But to be fair, I even have it easier than you. I can still drive to him, while many have to fly. Every LDR is different, all have their unique challenges, it isn't up to you or anyone else to judge them for missing their SO or feeling the way they do. I understand the jealousy, etc, but just appreciate what you have and be supportive. That's what you'd want from her. You do need to let it go and be understanding. Don't put your relationship difficulties on hers, comparing will get you nowhere to feeling better about yourself.

[snow]

I get the same talk from a friend of mine who only gets to see his girlfriend on the weekend - every weekend. I could be annoyed, but I think he actually talks to me, because he thinks I can relate to it.

[snow_girl]

I just don't get it, it's not a pissing contest. Everyones situation is different. Stop comparing yourself to others. Oh she's so skinny, I wish I could be that thin, but for all you know maybe she's got some illness that makes it hard to gain weight. Just because the grass looks greener on the otherside (someone's situation looks easier) doesn't mean it is and doesn't give you permission to complain about it. Focus on your own life not everyone elses.

[Martina]

Umm... I'm quite surprised by the previous reactions xD
Anyway, I understand you and I don't think you are being a baby. The situation is annoying, I've had something similar happen to me so I can relate.
I think everyone would feel the same way if a friend of theirs did that to them, especially if they did it regularly. I mean, yes, every distance between two people who love each other sucks but there's "distance" and distance, right... I can't help but wonder how is it your friend doesn't feel bad for complaining about that to you when you are in a much worse and much more complicated situation and she knows it. I mean, common sense wouldn't let me do that to my friend??? Some people lose the sense of empathy when they are hurting but it doesn't mean it's right to make others feel miserable xD I'd just tell her to be happy for what she has, because it is something to be happy for, tell her to imagine being in your shoes xD She might realize she's maybe doing something wrong.

[lyonsgirl]

I'd just tell her to be happy for what she has, because it is something to be happy for, tell her to imagine being in your shoes xD She might realize she's maybe doing something wrong.

But this right here... no. As snow_girl said, the grass isn't always greener. You can't ask someone to try putting themselves in your shoes without being rude about it, because it's basically like you saying "my situation sucks worse than yours", but you have no idea what the other person is going through. You may think that person is honest with you, and they probably are, but you simply do not know what is going on in their head because you are not them.

[ldrxoxo]

Just say you may not be the best person to talk to about that seeing as you don't have any good advice to give her.

[NI_USA_love]

Umm... I'm quite surprised by the previous reactions xD

+1, unless the OP is constantly telling her friend the stuff she posted here (and I'm guessing not since it seems like she just wanted a safe space to vent), I am not really sure what the problem with her talking it out is....

[squeeker]

One of the ways I stop myself from comparing to other people who have smaller distances or what "look like" easier relationships is that I will try and remind myself that although maybe they are closer, in the same country, can see each other more, have good jobs to make more money to save more and see each other more, or whatever... they might have other difficulties in their relationship. Maybe their relationship won't last, is not the right one, maybe they are going to be faced with something worse in their lifetime or are going through something worse now.. maybe something you can't see, something inside or something they went through, or whatever. We can't see the whole story.. and then I also remind myself also that people who are in relationships with shorter distances feel some of the same difficulties, and don't really understand what it's like to be in a longer relationship, so it seems like the hardest thing ever even if it looks easy to us in international relationships. I like what someone else here said about how your friend might be talking to you about it because she thinks you understand, at least more than maybe some of her other friends.. and so maybe focus on the ways it is similar.. you both don't get to see your partners when you want to. And just try and focus on the part that they might struggle with other things that you and your partner don't struggle with (as much if at all). Stay strong.

[Martina]

But this right here... no. As snow_girl said, the grass isn't always greener. You can't ask someone to try putting themselves in your shoes without being rude about it, because it's basically like you saying "my situation sucks worse than yours", but you have no idea what the other person is going through. You may think that person is honest with you, and they probably are, but you simply do not know what is going on in their head because you are not them.

Actually, sometimes this "try to imagine being in ____'s shoes" helps people calm down and realize they could be in an even worse situation, just saying. I don't see anything rude about defending when somebody makes you feel miserable, it's (or should be) automatic.
You guys are always taking it from the OP friend's point of view, try taking it from the OP's point of view too for a change. She came here to vent and you all started telling her what she should and shouldn't do, not to be rude and all that while you are forgetting it's her friend who isn't behaving correctly with her in the first place. And frankly, in this case, I feel like the grass is really greener on the other side since OP's friend and her bf get to meet every month. I dont think USA-UK relationship gets such frequent meetings.

[lucybelle]

Actually, sometimes this "try to imagine being in ____'s shoes" helps people calm down and realize they could be in an even worse situation, just saying.

Don't be a one upper. They're the people who when you say you have had a bad day, they've had a worse day.

We could all be in worse situations. We all have internet, computers, places to live, clean water to drink. Shit, why don't you stop complaining about a friend complaining when people have it worse than you?

If you don't want her talking to you anymore about it, say you don't want to hear it anymore. Otherwise, let this girl vent a little and try to be a good friend.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

One of the ways I stop myself from comparing to other people who have smaller distances or what "look like" easier relationships is that I will try and remind myself that although maybe they are closer, in the same country, can see each other more, have good jobs to make more money to save more and see each other more, or whatever... they might have other difficulties in their relationship. Maybe their relationship won't last, is not the right one, maybe they are going to be faced with something worse in their lifetime or are going through something worse now.. maybe something you can't see, something inside or something they went through, or whatever. We can't see the whole story.. and then I also remind myself also that people who are in relationships with shorter distances feel some of the same difficulties, and don't really understand what it's like to be in a longer relationship, so it seems like the hardest thing ever even if it looks easy to us in international relationships. I like what someone else here said about how your friend might be talking to you about it because she thinks you understand, at least more than maybe some of her other friends.. and so maybe focus on the ways it is similar.. you both don't get to see your partners when you want to. And just try and focus on the part that they might struggle with other things that you and your partner don't struggle with (as much if at all). Stay strong.

That's a very compassionate, and logical way to look at it.

[differentcountries]

I have a friend who is currently dating a guy (has been for about 5 years) and he has just temporarily moved about 2 1/2 hours away for an internship. They probably see each other about once a month to once every other month. Sometimes I find it really hard to not be annoyed at her when she talks about how long it has been since they have seen each other especially when I have been separated from my SO and we have visa restrictions on top of that that makes it feels like the distance is even further.

I know that distance is subjective and if my partner lived 2 1/2 hours away I would miss him there too. I'm just needing to vent I guess (and I'm trying not to sound like an awful person by doing it) because sometimes when she talks to me about it, it just makes me angry and hurt since she is so much closer and maybe I'm a bit jealous because it seems like such less of an obstacle to only be a couple hours away, in the same state, and citizens of the same country.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking, just maybe how to maintain a good attitude around her when she brings it up. Because I want to be supportive it's just kind of hard right now.

That is about our level of contact, which I feel is never quite enough. I guess if they were CD first, it feels worse. Why dont you try talking to your friend about things in common? You could even get together to write letters or buy gifts to give. Focus on whatever brings you together.