SO needs that physical touch that I cannot provide right now

[Choco]

Greetings,

I am looking for a bit of advice on how I should approach this situation I find myself in.
Background:
We met online and formed a relationship pretty quickly. My mate lives in the England, I live in the US (Midwest).
We have met physically twice. They came to the US for one week. I went to England for 3 weeks.
For the most part, it seems like the relationship is near perfect. I plan to move to England when possible.

Situation:
My mate is need of a sexual release. Human contact. Skype sex wouldn't be enough, I'm afraid.
I cannot be there to provide that right now. I don't have the financial means nor the vacation days to achieve this.
My mate has asked me whether: 1) We should split until I get there or 2) Have an open relationship or 3) Allow us to have a sexual encounter or two until we are together or 4) Have her try to wait (which honestly seems unlilkely).

I really love this person. We discuss starting a life together often. I am not sure as to what the best solution would be.

If I go with my heart, it would probably be option #3. I wouldn't partake in it but allow her to. I wouldn't want to hear ANYTHING about the situation, though.
I don't know. Any Advice?


Update:
We chatted for a bit this morning.
Before I could give her an answer, she said that she didn't want to have sex outside of the relationship after all.
She said that our relationship was more important. She is going to work on other ways to quell the urge.

Thanks again for the advice

[Rugger]

Are you comfortable of the thought of her with someone else?

[ldrxoxo]

I haven't been with anyone in 3+ years, even before I have wanted to pursue a LDR. If she doesn't want to wait for you, then I wouldn't go out of your way to wait for her. If she really liked you she could wait, especially if you see a future. Accidents can happen even if you are as protected as you think you are. Meaningful physical contact is greater than just trying to get some from anyone. That's just my take. I'm waiting even though I don't have to because I don't want to be used by people who don't care about me and I don't care about them. When there's an opportunity, I'll just talk as friends getting to know people. Try suggesting her to get some toys or something.

Tell her of the consequences that could happen if she does. That's what I talked about with my interest that just because I can't be there for him right now, it's hard on me, too, not just him.

[squeeker]

Aww wow. I'm so sorry. I don't understand that kind of thinking. I couldn't imagine my boyfriend or I ever doing that, but that's who we are, we take physical intimacy very seriously. If she can't wait, I kind of doubt her love for you. But I know I shouldn't judge people's relationships. If you are okay with it, go for it, and allow her to do that. I just feel like it could change everything, and she could end up being seriously hurt by someone who she doesn't care for and doesn't care for her, and also your relationship could get seriously hurt. People are able to control themselves. In my mind, and I know this will look like a naive view or something, but when you are with someone, you shouldn't want to be physically intimate with other people.. though I know some people, and some on this very site, have open relationships, and apparently it works for them, they might have better views on here. Though I think still, they need to be taken very seriously, and both people have to know what they are getting into. Just do what your heart tells you I guess. Talk to her, and make sure you settle on something that is going to work for both of you. Take care.. and welcome to LFAD.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Greetings,

I am looking for a bit of advice on how I should approach this situation I find myself in.
Background:
We met online and formed a relationship pretty quickly. My mate lives in the England, I live in the US (Midwest).
We have met physically twice. They came to the US for one week. I went to England for 3 weeks.
For the most part, it seems like the relationship is near perfect. I plan to move to England when possible.

Situation:
My mate is need of a sexual release. Human contact. Skype sex wouldn't be enough, I'm afraid.
I cannot be there to provide that right now. I don't have the financial means nor the vacation days to achieve this.
My mate has asked me whether: 1) We should split until I get there or 2) Have an open relationship or 3) Allow us to have a sexual encounter or two until we are together or 4) Have her try to wait (which honestly seems unlilkely).

I really love this person. We discuss starting a life together often. I am not sure as to what the best solution would be.

If I go with my heart, it would probably be option #3. I wouldn't partake in it but allow her to. I wouldn't want to hear ANYTHING about the situation, though.
I don't know. Any Advice?

None of the above. Why let others come between you? If it's just sexual release, there are other options: a big body pillow to cuddle, erotic movies, and then let nature take its course, just like on Skype. But then wouldn't she rather Skype with you?

[Choco]

Thanks for all the responses

Are you comfortable of the thought of her with someone else?

Not exactly. My main fear would be that she forms a relationship with this other person.

I haven't been with anyone in 3+ years, even before I have wanted to pursue a LDR. If she doesn't want to wait for you, then I wouldn't go out of your way to wait for her. If she really liked you she could wait, especially if you see a future. Accidents can happen even if you are as protected as you think you are. Meaningful physical contact is greater than just trying to get some from anyone. That's just my take. I'm waiting even though I don't have to because I don't want to be used by people who don't care about me and I don't care about them. When there's an opportunity, I'll just talk as friends getting to know people. Try suggesting her to get some toys or something.

Tell her of the consequences that could happen if she does. That's what I talked about with my interest that just because I can't be there for him right now, it's hard on me, too, not just him.

I understand where you are coming from. I think that if I were tell her to wait, it would likely be the end of the relationship. It seems her needs are that strong at the moment. She has toys - I have given her some, in fact - but they aren't fulfilling the need.

Aww wow. I'm so sorry. I don't understand that kind of thinking. I couldn't imagine my boyfriend or I ever doing that, but that's who we are, we take physical intimacy very seriously. If she can't wait, I kind of doubt her love for you. But I know I shouldn't judge people's relationships. If you are okay with it, go for it, and allow her to do that. I just feel like it could change everything, and she could end up being seriously hurt by someone who she doesn't care for and doesn't care for her, and also your relationship could get seriously hurt. People are able to control themselves. In my mind, and I know this will look like a naive view or something, but when you are with someone, you shouldn't want to be physically intimate with other people.. though I know some people, and some on this very site, have open relationships, and apparently it works for them, they might have better views on here. Though I think still, they need to be taken very seriously, and both people have to know what they are getting into. Just do what your heart tells you I guess. Talk to her, and make sure you settle on something that is going to work for both of you. Take care.. and welcome to LFAD.

In the past, my thoughts would have aligned more with yours. Now, I am not so sure. I do take your point, though, that serious hurt can occur for both of us.

None of the above. Why let others come between you? If it's just sexual release, there are other options: a big body pillow to cuddle, erotic movies, and then let nature take its course, just like on Skype. But then wouldn't she rather Skype with you?

I don't really want to but it seems like the best resolution in order to maintain the relationship. She has toys and such but those aren't satisfying the need.

[squeeker]

Aww I do not envy your position. It sounds like you really don't want to lose her. I feel like you might be more invested in this relationship than her. I can see why you would be considering letting her because you care about her a lot and don't want to lose her. I also see that it looks like your relationship started either January 10 or October 1st last year (never sure if people are using the US or UK style) which isn't that long. But still long enough to know if you want to be with someone. I don't envy your position at all. I don't know how to help or what advice to offer. I think it's best to maybe come up with what you would be comfortable with. If you would be okay with her with someone else, or not, but stick with it and then talk to her again... I just feel scared for you because I personally don't get how being intimate with a stranger could be rewarding, but I guess that's why I don't do it. Also it was a good point to at least talk with her and remind her about what can happen when you are intimate with people!! STDs and pregnancy. You can't 100% avoid them, and if she doesn't want to contract an STD or get pregnant with some stranger's baby, she should be very careful, because things happen.. so.. I think you need to talk to her more about these things.. and also tell her how you would feel about her getting a "release" from someone else just because they are closer. Also sharing your concerns that she would just form a relationship with someone closer.. I mean.. if she wants that then maybe it's best to cut your ties with her and find someone else out there who deserves you, however hard that might be to hear right now, so I'm sorry for bringing it up. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you all the best as you go through this and decide on what you have to do/how to approach the subject with her again. Take care.. good luck!

[snow]

Some people need sexual release with another person, some don't. That's besides the point.
If you don't want to share her and you don't want an open relationship then don't give in to this! Sadly I have no other advice how to deal with this situation, sorry!

[Sanja]

All of us in LDRs are in need of physical touch but we find ways to overcome that. If you are committed to each other, I don't see how being intimate with other people would help your relationship. You should also talk to your SO and let her know how you feel about it. You have been together for a short period of time and she is already wanting to satisfy her needs by being with another person. I'm just not sure that is a good sign so early on in a relationship. Good luck. Whatever decision you make, make sure you are both okay with it.

[ethelynn]

I think open relationships only work when both people are comfortable with it and want it. You don't really seem to at all. Would it be the same relationship to you if she was intimate with other people? How would you feel about this later, when after moving there you have to be away for some time and she does it again? Or even if you lived there and were going through a tough period where you don't want sex and she wants it again? Or she'd want it as permanent if her need for sex is this much higher than yours? Or while being there and spending time with her male friends, can you avoid thinking that she might have been having sex with them? Or even as simple as handling the thoughts about whether or not she is having sex with someone while she is going out for the night. Think this through for yourself because it will change your relationship and once you agree to this, you can't undo it. You deserve to have someone who loves you and wants the same kind of relationship as you. Find your limit of how far you're willing to go and discuss that with her.

[Choco]

I think you all are right. This not only seems like a bad deal for me but also a bad deal for the relationship.

I want to employ this emotion-free, non-attached stance toward this but I don't think I can manage. The fact is, I will be uncomfortable with it. I will be thinking about it all the time. And it will likely come up as a problem in the near future.

Thanks for the advice!

[Luc]

Good luck Choco! If your SO truly loves you she will stay with you no matter what, and she will stay faithful to you. If she can't do both of those things, than I'm sorry to say, but then her love for you is not strong enough to survive a LDR and then it might be best for you two to break up now.

[Choco]

Thanks. Painful to even contemplate but There is some truth to it.

[squeeker]

Good luck! I think you made the right decision, however painful it might be. But I really hope for the best for you and she realizes that her relationship with you is important to her.

[ldrxoxo]

Please do update what happens. Sorry that the outlook might not look good but it's not fair to you and ask her how is that "satisfying" that she wants that physical contact with someone she doesn't really like but is just convenient? That wouldn't satisfy me.