Recently Being Ignored

[ethelynn]

I think she meant a video or voicecall with Skype.

Giving space is important but that usually comes with talking about it first and not just dissapearing. Have you asked her later why she does it every time she goes home? Maybe there is something specific there? It didn't seem like a breakup talk.. rather like she is really stressed and tired. Some people just want their distance and can't respond to you the way you want. It really could be that there is something at her home that stresses her out this way and she uses closing herself up as an escape. Maybe afraid to talk about it? How much and in-depth does she tell you about how she is feeling and what is going on?

[kmac]

I think she meant a video or voicecall with Skype.

Yeah, that won't happen, regardless of our relationship status.

Giving space is important but that usually comes with talking about it first and not just dissapearing. Have you asked her later why she does it every time she goes home? Maybe there is something specific there? It didn't seem like a breakup talk.. rather like she is really stressed and tired. Some people just want their distance and can't respond to you the way you want. It really could be that there is something at her home that stresses her out this way and she uses closing herself up as an escape. Maybe afraid to talk about it? How much and in-depth does she tell you about how she is feeling and what is going on?

Home for her is where everything is relaxing. She disappears at home because it's home, and she's got brothers to have fun with and everything (though they're gone this break). She hates being at school and would rather be at home all the time. She's never been afraid to talk about anything that's been going on before, why would that be any different now? She generally tells me exactly how she's feeling, and if something's bothering her, she'll tell me what it is if I ask. I was talking to her before that bit of conversation happened of course, and she was just doing a bit of reading for school, she had finished for the night about 10 minutes before that bit. There's been nothing of note that would have set her off to close herself off, so just based on the way she's acted, I can't say there's much more to infer besides what I've stated.

I've been the pursuer since the start, and been doing a lot this break. She needs to come talk to me, not the other way around. If it seems more than friendly, we'll go from there. If not, then that's that.

Along with that bit of conversation, I had said that I guess I shouldn't send the care package I was going to send, and she responded with the same "sorry i'm just tired and stressed over this school stuff ". I would occasionally send her packages with chocolates and a hand-written card which she would always get excited for and loved to get.

[OperaDiva]

I think she meant a video or voicecall with Skype.

Giving space is important but that usually comes with talking about it first and not just dissapearing. Have you asked her later why she does it every time she goes home? Maybe there is something specific there? It didn't seem like a breakup talk.. rather like she is really stressed and tired. Some people just want their distance and can't respond to you the way you want. It really could be that there is something at her home that stresses her out this way and she uses closing herself up as an escape. Maybe afraid to talk about it? How much and in-depth does she tell you about how she is feeling and what is going on?

Yes to all of this, and thanx for clarifying, I always think of voice and video when I say Skype.

OP, if you want her to be open with you, you need to be the same, both to her and to yourself. Don't make conclusions about her situation based on what is going on inside your head, or based on what you heard has happened to some friends of your friends. Ask her, and tell her how you feel, face to face.

[kmac]

OP, if you want her to be open with you, you need to be the same, both to her and to yourself. Don't make conclusions about her situation based on what is going on inside your head, or based on what you heard has happened to some friends of your friends. Ask her, and tell her how you feel, face to face.

As I've said, I won't be closing myself off from her, and I'm willing to talk to her. Heck, I would still like to be friends if we break up...

She won't agree to voice/video, I can guarantee that.

[ethelynn]

Why doesn't she like/agree to voice/videocall?

[differentcountries]

It wouldn't phase you at all that your SO ignores you (whether by choice, or you don't cross their mind)?

Firstly; I have never been, and will never be, inside my SO's head. I will never know exactly what he is thinking.

What he says is, I am on his mind all the time. I hope for his sake that he does not mean that in a literal sense. I know how a relief it can be to get a "break" from my love life when I am working, or engaging intensely with family and friends, and I wishl those breaks for him. I am confidant that I am important to him, even if we are not in close contact all the time.

Second: I will not use strong words like "ignore", even if I don't ge the respond I was hoping for. Ignoring someone is active and imply that the person does't care. "Does not respond" is more neutral and fitting. There have been some days where there has gone one to two whole days without contact. Then I start to worry a little. Sometimes there has been problems with the phone or internet (especially at his mom's the net is unstable). Mostly though, it is he not responding because he is either busy (he works 10 hour shifts, sometimes with parties he will work from early in the morning until midnight) or he is in pain and he does not know what to say about it.

Last time I came home from visit he was the most non-responsive he has ever been. It was very hard for me, as I was hurting myself as well as being exhausted, but somehow I managed to burst his bubble. I always do. I trust him to be volnerable to him, by telling him I would like him to respond, by admitting I find the distance hard, by claiming he does too. Sometimes the best way of reaching him is through interpreting him. He usually rewards me by admitting I am right in questions he can't even answer for himself.

[Luc]

So... I guess update time. She got online about 3 hours ago, and we were talking (on and off, 'cause she was doing some work)... Here's how the conversation went here at the end:

Me: "I wish you were here, would be so much better "
Her: ""
Me: "don't think so? "
Her: "sorry just tired right now "
Me: "hope you still wanna be with me ;-;" (not really sudden or anything, was sorta based off other things said).
*5 minutes pass*
Me: "now i'm worried "
Her: "Sorry just tired and stressed right now "
*Some filler stuff*
Me: "Maybe after school is done I guess. Sorry for being so far away and making everything so much harder "
Her: ";_;"

Guess it's time to update myself to Single again

Well I guess I'll wish her the best, and hope we can still talk. Maybe she'll come around, maybe not. Guess in the mean time, I'll focus on my studies, maybe sign up for some dating services back home if there's still nothing going on between us.

Sorry for taking up your time. I appreciate your responses and trying to help. I appreciate it

No... just... no, please, for your and her sake, do not do this again in the future.

You are dealing with a girl who is as you said yourself emotionally unstable, but you behave way more unstable here than she does, which is not good and I have no idea why you're doing this. It seems you're really suffering from a very low self-esteem and that is not the kind of boyfriend she needs. You're going to drive her away like this, trust me.

Look, it's okay if you're a little insecure from time to time, everyone is. But try to stay positive. A relationship with a woman is basically like a mirror, she will reflect the energy you put in your relationship. Right now, your energy is very negative, she will pick up on that, and either knowingly or unknowingly give you negative energy back. By being insecure, you're making her insecure. By acting weak, you're making her feel weak. By acting sad, you're gonna make her feel sad.


This isn't the end, she didn't break up with you yet, but she might if you keep going like this. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I mean well, I'm just trying to show you how serious this is. If you're serious about your relationship with her, then you're going to have to set the right example. Especially with a girl like her it will be your duty to act first and set a good example, be positive, be strong, be there for her and above all be understanding and patient. You'll see that eventually she will give you the same positive energy back. Maybe she might slip back into negativity once in a while, but you'll see that those negative thoughts will become less and less as long as you are a positive, optimistic and strong boyfriend who is there for her. I think by doing this she will also eventually start to lose some of her interest in the chat room and gain more interest in you.

[kmac]

Why doesn't she like/agree to voice/videocall?

I haven't the faintest idea. She's never really liked it, took a long time just to get her to do it the first time.

Firstly; I have never been, and will never be, inside my SO's head. I will never know exactly what he is thinking.

What he says is, I am on his mind all the time. I hope for his sake that he does not mean that in a literal sense. I know how a relief it can be to get a "break" from my love life when I am working, or engaging intensely with family and friends, and I wishl those breaks for him. I am confidant that I am important to him, even if we are not in close contact all the time.

Second: I will not use strong words like "ignore", even if I don't ge the respond I was hoping for. Ignoring someone is active and imply that the person does't care. "Does not respond" is more neutral and fitting. There have been some days where there has gone one to two whole days without contact. Then I start to worry a little. Sometimes there has been problems with the phone or internet (especially at his mom's the net is unstable). Mostly though, it is he not responding because he is either busy (he works 10 hour shifts, sometimes with parties he will work from early in the morning until midnight) or he is in pain and he does not know what to say about it.

Last time I came home from visit he was the most non-responsive he has ever been. It was very hard for me, as I was hurting myself as well as being exhausted, but somehow I managed to burst his bubble. I always do. I trust him to be volnerable to him, by telling him I would like him to respond, by admitting I find the distance hard, by claiming he does too. Sometimes the best way of reaching him is through interpreting him. He usually rewards me by admitting I am right in questions he can't even answer for himself.

Sounds like you took this as a personal criticism or attack, and it was not that at all. I was simply curious that if your SO just disappeared from your life for no discernible reason, would you be upset or not? Sounds like it would, as indicated by your last paragraph. And with her, she's said that she "didn't want to be glued to the computer all day", and yet she's sitting on her computer talking in the chatroom, and it's a simple 2 or 3 clicks to start up Skype and talk to her *boyfriend*.

No... just... no, please, for your and her sake, do not do this again in the future.

You are dealing with a girl who is as you said yourself emotionally unstable, but you behave way more unstable here than she does, which is not good and I have no idea why you're doing this. It seems you're really suffering from a very low self-esteem and that is not the kind of boyfriend she needs. You're going to drive her away like this, trust me.

I'm sorry that the way she's been treating me has made me emotional and a bit of a wreck. Sounds like you're saying I'm not allowed to be emotional about such things...

Look, it's okay if you're a little insecure from time to time, everyone is. But try to stay positive. A relationship with a woman is basically like a mirror, she will reflect the energy you put in your relationship. Right now, your energy is very negative, she will pick up on that, and either knowingly or unknowingly give you negative energy back. By being insecure, you're making her insecure. By acting weak, you're making her feel weak. By acting sad, you're gonna make her feel sad.

During the whole conversation prior to that, I was happy and gladly talking to her. And yes my energy is negative. She's getting online but not talking to me. Being her SO, I think I'd be a bit more important, don't you agree? So yes, I'm unhappy, why wouldn't I be?

This isn't the end, she didn't break up with you yet, but she might if you keep going like this. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I mean well, I'm just trying to show you how serious this is. If you're serious about your relationship with her, then you're going to have to set the right example. Especially with a girl like her it will be your duty to act first and set a good example, be positive, be strong, be there for her and above all be understanding and patient. You'll see that eventually she will give you the same positive energy back. Maybe she might slip back into negativity once in a while, but you'll see that those negative thoughts will become less and less as long as you are a positive, optimistic and strong boyfriend who is there for her. I think by doing this she will also eventually start to lose some of her interest in the chat room and gain more interest in you.

I really don't see how everyone is getting the idea we haven't broken up. Just because she didn't say "I'm breaking up with you"? That seems absurdly naive that it must be said. The rapid change in her behavior towards me signals to me that something is wrong in the relationship, and at this point, I'm the one doing everything to stop it from failing. I'm getting nothing from her at this point. Knowing how she normally acts, to me this says it's over. Regardless of how I act, she has always behaved the same way, so this time shouldn't have been any different.


Like I said... I'll be on Skype (guess who isn't online talking to me tonight *again*?) and open to talking to her. If things are more than friendly, we'll go from there, otherwise it's as I expect.

[melarie]

Couple have fights and goes days without speaking to each other. It doesn't mean they're over. In my mind, and what seems to be the majority's minds, it's not over until someone says it is. Or unless there's more than a couple weeks with no contact (unless it's been agreed on) at all. From reading the small part of the conversation you gave us, I got the impression that she was sad you couldn't be together in person, and that you figured you wouldn't be together in person until after school. No where did I et the impression that it's over and there's no hope for you guys.

To me, it sounds like you don't want to be in the relationship, so you're grasping onto the idea that she's breaking up with you, so that you don't have to leave her. Because there's been no indication so far that she thinks its over, from what I can tell. And you're basically just giving up, instead of actually trying to have a conversation with her. Yes, her actions are wrong and she is not being an A+ girlfriend, I'm not denying that. But by giving up so easily, and by not confronting her at all, you're just as much to blame as her.

[kmac]

Couple have fights and goes days without speaking to each other. It doesn't mean they're over. In my mind, and what seems to be the majority's minds, it's not over until someone says it is. Or unless there's more than a couple weeks with no contact (unless it's been agreed on) at all. From reading the small part of the conversation you gave us, I got the impression that she was sad you couldn't be together in person, and that you figured you wouldn't be together in person until after school. No where did I et the impression that it's over and there's no hope for you guys.

So her not responding for 5 minutes, and just using the excuse that she was tired and stressed due to school (while, might I say, she was happily chatting in the chatroom)... that isn't a red flag to any of you? I mean, I know how she acts. Like I've said, I've been there during the good, the bad, and the really bad times. I've talked to her when she's extremely stressed and upset about something, and it's never been like that.

To me, it sounds like you don't want to be in the relationship, so you're grasping onto the idea that she's breaking up with you, so that you don't have to leave her. Because there's been no indication so far that she thinks its over, from what I can tell. And you're basically just giving up, instead of actually trying to have a conversation with her. Yes, her actions are wrong and she is not being an A+ girlfriend, I'm not denying that. But by giving up so easily, and by not confronting her at all, you're just as much to blame as her.

Not really though. I'm just looking at it, and seeing what I think is pretty obvious, based on past stuff with her. And I'm willing to have a conversation with her, *if* she would even get on and talk to me. But she has yet to do that, so it's a bit hard to talk about it.

[melarie]

It's a red flag, sure, but it's not a way of breaking up with you unless she's just really immature and is too childish to face you.

Can't you just pop onto the chat room and tell her that you wanted to talk to her, so you looked it up because it was only way you could think to contact her? If my boyfriend didn't contact me I'd find it pretty weird and would probably check a couple of the sites I know he goes on just to see if his internet had been on, and I'd probably send him a message to see what was going on with him. I don't see what the big deal is about that. She obviously gave you the name of it, otherwise how did you find it.

[differentcountries]

Sounds like you took this as a personal criticism or attack, and it was not that at all. I was simply curious that if your SO just disappeared from your life for no discernible reason, would you be upset or not? Sounds like it would, as indicated by your last paragraph. And with her, she's said that she "didn't want to be glued to the computer all day", and yet she's sitting on her computer talking in the chatroom, and it's a simple 2 or 3 clicks to start up Skype and talk to her *boyfriend*.

That is one negative interpretation of what I wrote...You were the one asking about my bf. He does not have emotional problems like your gf does, but he struggle with abandonment issues which I think is connected to the early loss of his father. This is why me leaving after a visit is so horrible to him. I have to be smart with him, otherwise it wont work. Please be smart with your gf. Like others have said, you feeding her a negative energy will make it harder for the both of you. She is not ignoring you, she tells you she is overwealmed and still you push it. The appropriate response to her saying she is tired would be to say something like "Oh, that's too bad. Hope you can rest /sleep /gain energy somewhat (or half flirting with saying I wish I was there to give you energy). Just rest love and we will be in contact. Lots of love. "

I see above that you react to a five minute delay in her response. Really, that is nothing. You are overthinking everything.

Like everybody said, I don't think her use of the chatroom has got anything to do with you. Plenty of times i am too tired to talk to bf, still I would want to be able to be online. If she is truly addicted to the chatroom, you pushing on details like her possable white lies is not helpful. Really, look at the bigger picture. You need to get somewhere else mentally and cater your thinking /acting to how you can support her in her problems. Or just take a break and take care of you. I hope you have someone to talk to.

[kmac]

It's a red flag, sure, but it's not a way of breaking up with you unless she's just really immature and is too childish to face you.

Can't you just pop onto the chat room and tell her that you wanted to talk to her, so you looked it up because it was only way you could think to contact her? If my boyfriend didn't contact me I'd find it pretty weird and would probably check a couple of the sites I know he goes on just to see if his internet had been on, and I'd probably send him a message to see what was going on with him. I don't see what the big deal is about that. She obviously gave you the name of it, otherwise how did you find it.

Well... she does run away if we have a fight or I say anything that just doesn't sit right with her, so I can't say she's completely mature about some things.

I absolutely cannot pop in the chatroom. She's had issues with stalker boyfriends in the past, and so doing that would definitely result in a breakup, regardless of what I do afterwards.

Please be smart with your gf. Like others have said, you feeding her a negative energy will make it harder for the both of you. She is not ignoring you, she tells you she is overwealmed and still you push it. The appropriate resPonse to her saying she is tired would be to say something like Oh, that's too bad. Hope you can rest /sleep /gain energy somewhat (or half flirting with saying I wish I was there to give you energy). Just rest love and we will be in contact. Lots of love.

I can't say that while she continually ignores me, my energy is going to be anything but negative. She's never done this prior to her spring break, and has never left mid-conversation, so why would she suddenly be overwhelmed in regards to talking to me (when I'm not discussing our relationship)? Generally I'm cheery and giving her tons of support and love. And that was no different the first time I heard from her over this break. Well if she's so tired, she shouldn't be staying up til 4 am talking to the chatroom. She's kinda doing it to herself there.



Okay everyone, let's clear things up here. Firstly, I am not just jumping ship right now. I am looking at it from what I see, and based on the past time we've broken up, this is the *exact* same behavior she took when she started to fade away from being romantic/intimate at all. So yes, to me it seems we are definitely on the path to a break up (one that I can't stop). I *am* willing to talk with her about these things *if* she gets on to talk. At the present time she has yet to get on. I am *not* looking for other dating options right now or anything. After all, even if we do end up being over officially, I'd be waiting until school is done with anyways. I'm sorry if it sounded this way. It's just, I know her and how she acts, and these are all big red flags to me because they've happened before.

[differentcountries]

If she is withdrawing from romantic contact as you call it, well isn't it your challenge to bring her into it again? And what is your plan of seduction?

[kmac]

If she is withdrawing from romantic contact as you call it, well isn't it your challenge to bring her into it again? And what is your plan of seduction?

I suppose, but there is a certain point people can get to that the challenge is fruitless and "unwinnable".

And if I'm being completely honest, I have no idea what my "plan of seduction" will be. Right now I'm more focused on talking to her regularly and discussing what's going on between us.