Recently Being Ignored

[differentcountries]

If you have no game plan, you will loose the game.

Btw, why didn't you discuss what goes on last time? Accusing her of breaking up is not really initating a discussion.

[kmac]

If you have no game plan, you will loose the game.

Btw, why didn't you discuss what goes on last time? Accusing her of breaking up is not really initating a discussion.

I'm aware that I need to do something. At the present time, I do not know, considering the circumstances.

I didn't discuss it last time, because she was clearly not wanting to talk about it at that time. I didn't accuse her of breaking up with me, I left the conversation (yes, saying goodbye to her) because I knew it was either she leaves or I leave (yes, I have conversation bits to back that up).

[differentcountries]

Yes, she was not in the mood to talk, and still you say things like are we still together. You preassure her. I realize you are tense because you broke up once before, but I really think you must find a way to compose yourself. Sometimes with my bf, I pretend it's not really me and him, that the two of us are other people and it's like a doll house and I am looking in. Then I find my anger or sadness lessens. It becomes easier to be calm. I make it into a game to try out different angles, not even caring if they work right away or not. When an angle works, I keep that in mind to try again for next time.

[kmac]

Yes, she was not in the mood to talk, and still you say things like are we still together. You preassure her. I realize you are tense because you broke up once before, but I really think you must find a way to compose yourself.

She was in the mood to talk (I assume), but apparently not about "us". I'm sorry that sometimes she fails to show that she indeed wants to still be with me, and I need some validation

Sometimes with my bf, I pretend it's not really me and him, that the two of us are other people and it's like a doll house and I am looking in. Then I find my anger or sadness lessens. It becomes easier to be calm. I make it into a game to try out different angles, not even caring if they work right away or not. When an angle works, I keep that in mind to try again for next time.

I am trying my best to remain calm and not be upset with her, and it's proving difficult. I can't really say she's making it easy on me either way.


Yes, I admit I have a low self-esteem for the most part. I'm not good-looking in my opinion, I'm not as smart as her, I'm shorter than her. I've got everything and the world going against me. Not to mention some issues that have come from previous relationships I've been in (yes, I've been working on them).

[ethelynn]

If she is withdrawing from romantic contact as you call it, well isn't it your challenge to bring her into it again? And what is your plan of seduction?

Yes, she was not in the mood to talk, and still you say things like are we still together. You preassure her. I realize you are tense because you broke up once before, but I really think you must find a way to compose yourself..

I do see where he is coming from. If it's always him holding things up and now she dissapears with giving no reason, warning or explanation again.. how far does one person have to go to maintain a relationship if the other one doesn't even have simple communication with him. How can she be too tired and stressed to give his SO an update but isn't too tired and stressed to chat till late nights in a chatroom. I would have hard time staying positive too when finally being contacted. Sure there are ways to talk about the serious things, but this thread has been showing the OP from a very negative light for mostly what she does and him being frustrated by it. Most people can't and don't want to put up with a lot of uncertainity, feeling rejected and ignored. Communication and positivity goes both ways, one person can't keep it up if getting nothing back, not even an update. It's not much to send your SO a text of even "hey, i'm a bit stressed so i'm taking some time for me, i'll be on at inserttime" if you can chat until late night with other people. It's hard to see when your SO is short with you while chatting a lot with others. How does one talk to someone about something if they refuse to talk about it or stop talking to you when you bring the topic up (not talking about their last talk, but the previous ones)?

[ethelynn]

She was in the mood to talk (I assume), but apparently not about "us". I'm sorry that sometimes she fails to show that she indeed wants to still be with me, and I need some validation

I sometimes have the same problem. My SO is feeling really frustrated about something, he can't give me validation. For me it's a problem only after an argument. But I do feel that those are the times not to push the other person, as hard as it may be, it will only make them pull back, or even say things they don't mean and say only because they feel overwhelmed and frustrated. If possible, hold off talking about the relationship when she is feeling back to more normal, but then have a more serious conversation about the subject, like have you tried telling her that when she feels stressed and tired and feels like having some time for herself, that she could just tell you what's going on, so it'll be easier for you and she gets the time she needs without extra pressure from you trying to ask her questions. Tell her what you need, ask her if it's something she can do and then you can make you decision about what to do next. Until then, try to be busy and do something that makes you feel better or at least distracts you from constantly thinking (and over-thinking) about her.

[melarie]

I do see where he is coming from. If it's always him holding things up and now she dissapears with giving no reason, warning or explanation again.. how far does one person have to go to maintain a relationship if the other one doesn't even have simple communication with him. How can she be too tired and stressed to give his SO an update but isn't too tired and stressed to chat till late nights in a chatroom. I would have hard time staying positive too when finally being contacted. Sure there are ways to talk about the serious things, but this thread has been showing the OP from a very negative light for mostly what she does and him being frustrated by it. Most people can't and don't want to put up with a lot of uncertainity, feeling rejected and ignored. Communication and positivity goes both ways, one person can't keep it up if getting nothing back, not even an update. It's not much to send your SO a text of even "hey, i'm a bit stressed so i'm taking some time for me, i'll be on at inserttime" if you can chat until late night with other people. It's hard to see when your SO is short with you while chatting a lot with others. How does one talk to someone about something if they refuse to talk about it or stop talking to you when you bring the topic up (not talking about their last talk, but the previous ones)?

I agree we've probably been a bit too hard on him. I think from my end, I'm more sympathetic to her because she clearly has some emotional problems and I think he mentioned depression? And what it sounds like is that she's pushing away something that has been very unstable, and something that clearly stresses her out, while clinging to something that is reliable. And I know when you get very very low, it's hard to force yourself to talk to someone that again, you have a shaky past with. I've had days where I barely want to say good morning to my boyfriend and we've had a very peaceful relationship. (Of course I do, but I've become more responsible with dealing with my depression and she clearly isn't.)

And OP, you say you've seen her at her worst and this isn't how she acts. You may think you've seen her at her worst, but trust me you've haven't. There is always lower you can go, and it will bring different behavior. No you can't always do the work, but surely she's held up her end before all this occurred or else why do you even bother?

I know I said before that you shouldn't just give up (and I stand by that) but rethinking it, maybe you should just leave her be for a couple days. But let her know that you're here to support her if she wants. Text her, message her on facebook, send it on Skype so she'll see it next time she signs on, whatever. Let the chat room go for a little bit, and get your answers later. And like ethelynn said, at that time tell her what you need in the relationship. For example, daily contact, even if it is just to say she won't be around.

[kmac]

If it's always him holding things up and now she dissapears with giving no reason, warning or explanation again.. how far does one person have to go to maintain a relationship if the other one doesn't even have simple communication with him. How can she be too tired and stressed to give his SO an update but isn't too tired and stressed to chat till late nights in a chatroom. I would have hard time staying positive too when finally being contacted.

Right, this is really hard on my psyche, because at least for me, it makes me feel like I'm less important than random people in a chatroom. Even times she's "talking" to me, sometimes she'll go quiet for a good bit, and I'll see she's chatting in the chatroom, and it's like "really?". Or sometimes I'll even ask a simple question (how's x?), wait for 10 minutes, see she's said something in the chat. I don't know about her, or anyone else, but knowing that I'm talking to her, I'll have the chat up on half the screen, since I can easily respond to her and see when she says something.

Most people can't and don't want to put up with a lot of uncertainity, feeling rejected and ignored. Communication and positivity goes both ways, one person can't keep it up if getting nothing back, not even an update. It's not much to send your SO a text of even "hey, i'm a bit stressed so i'm taking some time for me, i'll be on at inserttime" if you can chat until late night with other people. It's hard to see when your SO is short with you while chatting a lot with others. How does one talk to someone about something if they refuse to talk about it or stop talking to you when you bring the topic up (not talking about their last talk, but the previous ones)?

She won't even text me unless it's something that's out of our control (internet/power trouble). Other than that, it's as if she's dropped off the face of the earth.

My SO is feeling really frustrated about something, he can't give me validation. For me it's a problem only after an argument. But I do feel that those are the times not to push the other person, as hard as it may be, it will only make them pull back, or even say things they don't mean and say only because they feel overwhelmed and frustrated.

I can't say that I brought that up after any sort of argument. I stated that I should go to bed, but I didn't want to. She said that I should go to bed if I'm tired and that she's "probably being boring tonight". I said that I liked talking to her even if it was about nothing. And then I said that I wished she was here, and continued with the conversation bit I posted. She may have been upset about how clingy I was being, but after almost 2 days of silence, I don't think it's unreasonable to tell her that I miss her and want to talk to her

If possible, hold off talking about the relationship when she is feeling back to more normal, but then have a more serious conversation about the subject, like have you tried telling her that when she feels stressed and tired and feels like having some time for herself, that she could just tell you what's going on, so it'll be easier for you and she gets the time she needs without extra pressure from you trying to ask her questions.

Hmm, this will prove a challenge, seeing as the end of the semester is only going to get harder, so the stress levels and lack of sleep are only going to go up.

Until then, try to be busy and do something that makes you feel better or at least distracts you from constantly thinking (and over-thinking) about her.

I do have a lot of homework to do, unfortunately it requires me to be at my computer, which means the possibility of her getting on, which is in the back of my mind, so it gets me to thinking about her.

And OP, you say you've seen her at her worst and this isn't how she acts. You may think you've seen her at her worst, but trust me you've haven't. There is always lower you can go, and it will bring different behavior.

I mean, I've sat right there with her, as she self-harmed, and was talking to her trying to help her. It's pretty bad sometimes.

No you can't always do the work, but surely she's held up her end before all this occurred or else why do you even bother?

She does every so often, and it really pulls me in. I don't know why, but when we do talk, I just fall in love all over again.

I know I said before that you shouldn't just give up (and I stand by that) but rethinking it, maybe you should just leave her be for a couple days. But let her know that you're here to support her if she wants. Text her, message her on facebook, send it on Skype so she'll see it next time she signs on, whatever. Let the chat room go for a little bit, and get your answers later. And like ethelynn said, at that time tell her what you need in the relationship. For example, daily contact, even if it is just to say she won't be around.

She knows I'm around, as I always am. I told her before leaving that I hoped to talk to her soon. So she knows I'm waiting, she just needs to get on and speak up.

[OperaDiva]

I am sorry if this going to sound harsh, but from everything I read here it seems to me that the best thing for both of you would be if you got the courage and made a clean break. If I were you I would tell her that you need to go your separate ways, because you obviously love her (from what you wrote and how you are trying), and you do not want to keep hurting each other. On top of being in an LDR, which makes things hard to begin with, you two have already broken up, you have issues, she has issues, you are not talking ... you need a fresh start, you need to deal with your self-esteem and co-dependency (from what I read about your need to validate), and she needs space and possibly professional help. I know this might be hard to hear, but you will both be happier for it down the road and you might salvage your friendship. Good luck!

[kmac]

I am sorry if this going to sound harsh, but from everything I read here it seems to me that the best thing for both of you would be if you got the courage and made a clean break. If I were you I would tell her that you need to go your separate ways, because you obviously love her (from what you wrote and how you are trying), and you do not want to keep hurting each other. On top of being in an LDR, which makes things hard to begin with, you two have already broken up, you have issues, she has issues, you are not talking ... you need a fresh start, you need to deal with your self-esteem and co-dependency (from what I read about your need to validate), and she needs space and possibly professional help. I know this might be hard to hear, but you will both be happier for it down the road and you might salvage your friendship. Good luck!

No harm taken or anything. It really doesn't sound harsh at all. It's definitely something that has been mulled over in my mind (kinda obvious from my replies isn't it? :P). On the one hand, it would relieve myself of a ton of stress related to job hunting, as I've found about 20+ opportunities in my home town, whereas I've really only found 5 or so near San Francisco (one of which hasn't replied to my application). But on the other hand, I'm almost 22, will be out of college, and I'm not the bar and club sort of person, so I wouldn't even have a clue how to find someone else.

Of course, this is all dependent on how any sort of talks go whenever she decides to come talk to me, which I can't say when that will be. I appreciate your input as well, even if it's not necessarily something I want to hear.

[differentcountries]

She won't even text me unless it's something that's out of our control (internet/power trouble). Other than that, it's as if she's dropped off the face of the earth.

That sounds worse than anything you've mentioned in the thread so far. And I agree with several posters here that you need to state your needs about regular contact.

[OperaDiva]

I'm almost 22, will be out of college, and I'm not the bar and club sort of person, so I wouldn't even have a clue how to find someone else.

Bars and clubs are SO not the only place to find someone you can find friends and connections (and ultimately, relationships) anywhere, in the park, in a coffee shop, in a club or meet-up, through mutual friends, at a concert, or even (gasp) the library! What I think is most important is to have a good relationship with yourself, and that does not mean having all your problems fixed, but being happy with who you are. That starts with saying no to things that are not good for you and starting to work on yourself. It is not easy, but I am living it and believe it with my whole being that it is worth it!

[ethelynn]

I agree we've probably been a bit too hard on him. I think from my end, I'm more sympathetic to her because she clearly has some emotional problems and I think he mentioned depression? And what it sounds like is that she's pushing away something that has been very unstable, and something that clearly stresses her out, while clinging to something that is reliable.

I'd agree with you, but as this happens only when she goes back home.. it's a specific situation and as the OP stated that her home environment is relaxing to her and she hasn't mentioned anything wrong there, then it would be a big coincidence that her extremely low and stressed periods match only the time she is home.

[NerdyChick]

Okay, this may come across harsh, but I'm going to be straight forward. I've been reading over this thread, and your SO sounds like many many girls I know.You have to understand that your SO's issues are too big for you to help her with, she needs serious professional help and it honestly sounds like as far as her mental stability is concerned she is teetering on and off the edge depending on what stressors she's experiencing. Like I get it, you love someone, you want to be there for them, help them through, but what she is going through is way bigger than you, and is only going to get better when she decided to put the work in.
Is she seeing a therapist? Does she have a safety plan in place for when she gets the urge to self-harm or has suicidal thoughts? i.e. people to call, places to go? I knew people who would just go and sit in a hospital waiting room until the urge passed because it was considered a relapse for them and they didn't want to fall back into that self-destructive coping skill. If she has severe depression, there are places to go, people to talk to, professionals to help her. And if it's a cost issue? There are places that offer the services for minimal fees, you just have to look for them, this includes therapy and med management. I know this because I have helped several girls find places in which to get help when they didn't have insurance. You have your issues too, as stated above you admit to having self-esteem issues and you seem to be a bit co-dependent too. She has issues with depression and a past history of suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Life is hard enough when all you have is yourself and your own emotions to deal with, when making decisions only effects you and your life. But when you bring a partner into it? It's not just about you anymore. And if all you end up dealing with in a relationship is problem after problem, hurdle after hurdle, especially if it's the result of possible self-sabotaging, than all you have is a problem relationship. Love isn't enough to have a healthy relationship, it also requires respect, maturity, consideration for your partner and your partner's feelings, two people equally committed to the maintaining of what they have, and two people who are in it together, a relationship needs some level of stability. It sounds like you are carrying the weight of everything, and she is so stressed out by it all, not just by you, but by life in general, that she is escaping from it. Please don't take offense to this, I mean this only as someone who's been there, and seen many others go through what you and she are going through as far as being in a relationship. It never works out as you think it will, you will end up feeding each others issues, you can't help her, she has to help herself, and she can't help you, wholeness and self esteem come from the inside, not the outside. You should never place your self esteem, self worth, and happiness in someone else hands. I agree with OperaDiva, you need a clean break, you both need to be out of this and need to focus on yourselves and getting your individual issues and selves figured out before entering into another relationship. Otherwise these issues will just pop up again and again, just under different circumstances. If you stay, you both will only end up fueling each other, and you can already see it happening: her need to pull away to decompress, doesn't play well into your need for validation, and your need for validation doesn't play well into her low tolerance for stress. It can't work, not until one or both of you decides to step back and do some serious work on yourselves. I am so so sorry though, situations like this are soooo painful...we don't choose who we love, but we need to know that we are powerless to change others and we need to know where we draw the line as far as how much we are willing to take.

[kmac]

That sounds worse than anything you've mentioned in the thread so far. And I agree with several posters here that you need to state your needs about regular contact.

I'm curious why you feel that her not texting is worse than anything else?

Bars and clubs are SO not the only place to find someone you can find friends and connections (and ultimately, relationships) anywhere, in the park, in a coffee shop, in a club or meet-up, through mutual friends, at a concert, or even (gasp) the library! What I think is most important is to have a good relationship with yourself, and that does not mean having all your problems fixed, but being happy with who you are. That starts with saying no to things that are not good for you and starting to work on yourself. It is not easy, but I am living it and believe it with my whole being that it is worth it!

Thanks for the advice, I will be sure to take it if it comes to that. Things are still unsure, going on day 2 of not hearing from her, so it's still up in the air. I've been looking to get myself into shape, maybe this is the inspiration I needed.

Okay, this may come across harsh, but I'm going to be straight forward. I've been reading over this thread, and your SO sounds like many many girls I know.You have to understand that your SO's issues are too big for you to help her with, she needs serious professional help and it honestly sounds like as far as her mental stability is concerned she is teetering on and off the edge depending on what stressors she's experiencing. Like I get it, you love someone, you want to be there for them, help them through, but what she is going through is way bigger than you, and is only going to get better when she decided to put the work in.

I'm just curious, you don't think that I'd be able to help pull her through depression and self-harming? I know prior to the first time we broke up, I had her promise to stop self-harming, and to my understanding, she had stopped.

Is she seeing a therapist? Does she have a safety plan in place for when she gets the urge to self-harm or has suicidal thoughts? i.e. people to call, places to go? I knew people who would just go and sit in a hospital waiting room until the urge passed because it was considered a relapse for them and they didn't want to fall back into that self-destructive coping skill. If she has severe depression, there are places to go, people to talk to, professionals to help her. And if it's a cost issue? There are places that offer the services for minimal fees, you just have to look for them, this includes therapy and med management. I know this because I have helped several girls find places in which to get help when they didn't have insurance.

Nope, she doesn't see a therapist. In her own words "People are scary" and "talking about it will just make it worse". Not even I can really get her to talk about it for more than a few minutes, and I can generally feel the discomfort when we're talking about it. I feel the only way she'd go get professional help, is if her SO (be that me or someone else) goes right alongside her, giving her unending support and love through it all.

You have your issues too, as stated above you admit to having self-esteem issues and you seem to be a bit co-dependent too. She has issues with depression and a past history of suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Life is hard enough when all you have is yourself and your own emotions to deal with, when making decisions only effects you and your life. But when you bring a partner into it? It's not just about you anymore. And if all you end up dealing with in a relationship is problem after problem, hurdle after hurdle, especially if it's the result of possible self-sabotaging, than all you have is a problem relationship. Love isn't enough to have a healthy relationship, it also requires respect, maturity, consideration for your partner and your partner's feelings, two people equally committed to the maintaining of what they have, and two people who are in it together, a relationship needs some level of stability. It sounds like you are carrying the weight of everything, and she is so stressed out by it all, not just by you, but by life in general, that she is escaping from it. Please don't take offense to this, I mean this only as someone who's been there, and seen many others go through what you and she are going through as far as being in a relationship. It never works out as you think it will, you will end up feeding each others issues, you can't help her, she has to help herself, and she can't help you, wholeness and self esteem come from the inside, not the outside.

I'll admit, I'm completely co-dependent. That's probably a bad thing, but it's how I am. And it's probably an unhealthy thing to have in an LDR. I can't say we dealt with problem after problem. Until this break, everything seemed fine and great. In fact, if I ever did that sort of validation, such as asking if she still liked me, she'd say something along the lines of "of course i wanna be with you ". I take no offense, no matter how harsh. Even if you call me a failure at life, it's how you view things, and I can take what you say however I feel I should. In all honesty, yes, I do feel that I've been the one doing all the work for the most part, and I don't know if she is emotionally ready to be in a committed relationship, despite the fact that she's almost 22 as well.

You should never place your self esteem, self worth, and happiness in someone else hands. I agree with OperaDiva, you need a clean break, you both need to be out of this and need to focus on yourselves and getting your individual issues and selves figured out before entering into another relationship. Otherwise these issues will just pop up again and again, just under different circumstances. If you stay, you both will only end up fueling each other, and you can already see it happening: her need to pull away to decompress, doesn't play well into your need for validation, and your need for validation doesn't play well into her low tolerance for stress. It can't work, not until one or both of you decides to step back and do some serious work on yourselves. I am so so sorry though, situations like this are soooo painful...we don't choose who we love, but we need to know that we are powerless to change others and we need to know where we draw the line as far as how much we are willing to take.

I'll keep this in mind if she ever comes around to talk. Until then (or until a certain amount of time passes), guess I'll have to be patient and focus on other things. Thanks for your input, it's not been easy the past week.