The future

[bribri2729]

What would you do if your SO told you, you were stressing him out because you were asking him questions about closing the distance and getting a place together?

[melarie]

I guess I would ask him why it stressed him out and go from there.

I'll see if my boyfriend has time to hop on and respond to this, because he gets a little stressed sometimes about certain things regarding the future, so maybe he can provide some insight, as I can't remember the reasons he gave me before lol.

[OrKing]

Since I'm more the person in his shoes, I would try to be as understanding as possible and try to find out why it stresses him out. For me personally the following things are the things I'm uneasy about.

1. I don't have a job. How on earth can I do anything without a job? For me personally that's like the default thing you should have before you can go making future moves and such. I need an average income so I can know how much I need to save up to do the things I want to, I need to know how long that'll take, I need to take into account holidays where I need to spend money so I don't feel like crap when the money I'm supposed to be saving goes to presents and cards and shit. I also need to take my own will power into account, occasionally I'm gonna buy some shit that I want. I'm only human, and a teenager at that. There's a lot of shit I want, it'll take quite a bit of willpower to resist buying stuff once I know I have the money for it. Though that's nothing really, I just like to be thorough when thinking about where my money could end up. Oh, and talking about that, my moms rent just got upped once again so now I have to give her £40 every couple of weeks along with my brother.

2. I have a fully disabled sister who I am basically the assistant carer of, so to speak. The years aren't going to make my mom younger and anything could happen that makes me a hell of a lot more vital to them than I am already. That too stresses me out, no matter what I'm going to feel bad about leaving them, even when it's temporary.

3. I don't really have any qualifications or talents and as smart as I can be when I have my moments it's hard not to feel like I'm undereducated, which is basically my fault, but still. That's been a burden since I became my currant, slightly less dumb ass self.

So yeah, that's just what stresses me about closing the distance. Don't get me wrong, my life is relatively easy, but we all have our shit. Find out what your boyfriends is and take that into account in future closing the distance/moving in together discussions, or rather his lack of enthusiasm when talking on them.

[squeeker]

If my boyfriend told me I was stressing him out when I asked him questions about closing the distance or finding a place together? I would stop talking and realize why he was stressing out, because it is a HUGE thing, and is not going to happen over night. Though I already know that my boyfriend and I cannot close the distance for another many years, and that's why we both went to university. I already know that my boyfriend stresses out SO MUCH about not being able to provide for me like he would like to right now, and he stresses out so much about whether or not he will get a job after high school. It is so stressful. Try to be understanding, and just ask him what it is that is stressing him in particular. Does he have a good job, is he able to save? Is he worried because he isn't able to easily leave his city and doesn't want to make you leave yours (or maybe you are unable to leave your city and he is worried about leaving his because he has things he has to tie up). I feel like the biggest reason he would be worried is because he doesn't feel like he can provide for you well enough, likely financially, and when you keep asking him about the future, maybe he feels less of a man because you are reminding him that he doesn't have enough money or a good enough job? Maybe try talking to him less about it, don't mention it for a few weeks AT LEAST and when you do bring it up, just try and ask him quietly what it is specifically that is stressing him out and whether you could do something to help?

I hope you are okay. Good luck And don't worry..

[nottheprincesspeach]

Any serious commitment like that can cause people to stress out. It is a big deal to move that far and get the place together. I would give him his space. If you really want to talk about it, let him know that you would and have him bring it up with you when he is ready. Give it time.

[Moon]

How often do you try having the conversation? Every day? A few times a week? A lot less than that? I'm just asking because I think, and see it often here, that people get so involved in the idea of closing the distance sometimes, that they forget to relax and enjoy the relationship as it is currently, and it ends up as the dominant topic of conversation. That could get pretty stressful. Evaluate your conversations, and see if maybe that has happened to yours, and if so, tone it down a bit. We all want to be CD, but when the odds aren't good at that moment, it can add a lot of pressure.

If you only bring it up now and then, I'd definitely ask him to tell you specifically why it stresses him so much. There are plenty of reasons why it could; he may feel to young, or not ready yet, or just be scared. None of those means he loves you any less though, so please be understanding when you find out why Good luck.

[lucybelle]

I'd stop asking.

[differentcountries]

Sometimes, to get what you want, don't take the direct route. Be humble to his experience.... Let his stress lessen. You made your point. Let him long for it.

[lea22]

What others said too, plus the fact that (sorry to point out genders in this) men are quite often terrified of commitment. Not all, obviously, but a lot are. And I guess reluctance to talk about this type of thing stems from one of two reasons - they don't actually want to close the distance or that they do, but it's just a HUUUUUUGE deal to them. I believe girls are more "into" relationships and will sacrifice more, plus we're programmed to want security and to make a family so it's not as scary for us. Plus, we're also the more rational gender

I'd ask directly why he avoids it. I did the same and I got a satisfactory answer and now I understand. But be careful not to bring it up too much or you could scare him off.

[MissButterfly]

I'm in your shoes as well. I tend to worry and stress about things like that too, but then my SO reminds me that we're talking 3 years from now and if I end up being stressed and crying over things that my or may not be an issue at that point, I realize how silly I am being. I'm a planner and he's not. We'll worry about it when there is actually a reason to worry about it. I'm learning that now! You didn't write a lot, but you might be doing similar things to what I'm doing. He might think you're thinking ahead of yourself too much, and that there's no need to think about those things right now. But maybe you're talking about different things! Anyway, like the others have said, ask him why it's making him uncomfortable. Good luck!

[folclor]

Don't worry too badly. ^^ It's normal for someone to get stressed out over that stuff. Does he have a lot going on? I understand you want answers, but you may have to wait (which isn't fun). I'm in sort of the same position with my fiance right now as he doesn't want to talk at all about where we'll live after I get permanent residency, but he's under a lot of pressure. He has school to finish and all that, so it's a bit difficult.

Just give him a little space and maybe try to bring it up a little at a time. I don't know if you're looking for advice, so I won't go deep into anything, but he may respond better to something like that... where he's not feeling he has to make decisions immediately. Sometimes people just freak out if something kinda big seems like it needs to be decided asap. But he'll come around ^^ And I know you want to have something concrete but... maybe for now talk about the next time you'll see him ^^ and then when you see him again y'all can talk all you want.

I hope I was some help ^^; If not then I apologize. Good luck, though! It'll all work out in the end.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

How often do you try having the conversation? Every day? A few times a week? A lot less than that? I'm just asking because I think, and see it often here, that people get so involved in the idea of closing the distance sometimes, that they forget to relax and enjoy the relationship as it is currently, and it ends up as the dominant topic of conversation. That could get pretty stressful. Evaluate your conversations, and see if maybe that has happened to yours, and if so, tone it down a bit. We all want to be CD, but when the odds aren't good at that moment, it can add a lot of pressure.

If you only bring it up now and then, I'd definitely ask him to tell you specifically why it stresses him so much. There are plenty of reasons why it could; he may feel to young, or not ready yet, or just be scared. None of those means he loves you any less though, so please be understanding when you find out why Good luck.

That is exactly what my SO tells me when I get impatient: Stay in the NOW with me, enjoy what we have now, and don't worry about the future. Whatever happens happens.
And if he feels like I'm asking him too often, or talking about it too much, he says one short phrase to me: Pressure, pressure! And I back off. It prevents unnecessary arguments.

[differentcountries]

At the same time, we must be able to plan the forseeable future. It is easy to talk taking it easy and what will be will be, when really no tickets ever ordered themselves... Now even SO wants to plan at least the dates for visit this semester, because it is really practical. If we refrain from planning what needs to be planned, we risk killing even the spontanous moments because otherwise there will be only stagnation. It is about finding the balance.