SO visited another country because of a girl.

[curious_gal518]

[Backstory] My SO and I met here in Canada in an internship and we spent 3 months together before he went back home to NL. A couple of months later, we're still together and in an LDR.

[Rant/Worry]
This weekend my SO went with his friends to Dublin because they've never been there. And partly because my SO's friend took her PhD in Ireland and invited him over there. To which, he complied almost instantly and brought his friends along. And he met that girl here in Canada and he met her a month earlier than me.

I guess I feel upset and worried over this because (1) when he talks to me, he never talks about wanting to close the distance or even wanting to visit me, (2) Of all friends that he made here, why was she the first one he visited after he went back home? He met a lot of people here and have offered their homes when he feels like visiting, but why her first? (3) When I ask if he still talks to anyone he met here, he would always say that he talks to the girl every time.

I am just feeling jealous and possessive about it, overall. And it's more upsetting because I can't express these feelings to him because he doesn't like conflicts. Whenever these things happen, he would not reply to me through text, divert the conversations into something else, or not see me on Skype. So I end up mulling over my own feelings.

Do you have any experiences with this? And if so, how to best deal with this?

Thanks!

[CanadianGirl]

I think "he doesn't like conflicts" is almost the worst possible reason not to talk about something.. You would know better than anyone here, but if your SO has never given you reason to worry, then I wouldn't worry. However, the fact that he avoids communication and doesn't seem as committed, from what you've said, would send up red flags for me. You deserve to be with someone who's adult enough to handle relationship issues head on. I think you should try to bring up the issue in a non-confrontational way, and if he can't handle that, I don't think he's cut out for an LDR, to be honest.

[curious_gal518]

I think "he doesn't like conflicts" is almost the worst possible reason not to talk about something.. You would know better than anyone here, but if your SO has never given you reason to worry, then I wouldn't worry. However, the fact that he avoids communication and doesn't seem as committed, from what you've said, would send up red flags for me. You deserve to be with someone who's adult enough to handle relationship issues head on. I think you should try to bring up the issue in a non-confrontational way, and if he can't handle that, I don't think he's cut out for an LDR, to be honest.

Yeah, the commitment part makes me worry too. He talks about the future about us, yet I never felt like he's committed to what he says. Don't get me wrong with the communication though, he talks to me all the time. Sometimes he just wants to avoid these future talks because he is still not thinking it.

Thanks for your advice!

[Kristin91]

(1) when he talks to me, he never talks about wanting to close the distance or even wanting to visit me

You've only been going out for a few months, maybe he isn't ready to talk about closing the distance. Especially internationally, it's a long haul that costs a lot of money just for the visas required.

(2) Of all friends that he made here, why was she the first one he visited after he went back home? He met a lot of people here and have offered their homes when he feels like visiting, but why her first?

Because she asked. The other people "offered their homes when he feels like visiting", she asked him to go visit.

(3) When I ask if he still talks to anyone he met here, he would always say that he talks to the girl every time.

He's trying to be open and honest with you. If he hid it from you, you'd think there was something going on... He is going to have friends that are girls. You have to decide if you're comfortable with that. But you cannot forbid him from being friends with her. It isn't fair to either one of them.

Lastly, you need to TALK to him about all of this. All of the jealousy and insecurity you feel. If you can't talk to him about something that obviously bothers you a lot, what kind of future would you have in the long run?

[differentcountries]

If he is inexperienced in dealing with conflict, you may try to teach him.

[Hollandia]

Are you sure you too are exclusive? You need to ask. Many people don't like conflict but grown ups talk about things when situations arise that require it. He needs to be able to handle this and so do you if you want to have a healthy happy adult relationship. If not, then he is either immature or simply does not care enough. I don't like conflicts either, but when stuff needs to be dealt with, you deal.

It does not sound like he thinks you two are exclusive if he is spending time with another girl at her place. Is he? He could just be very open and making sure you are aware he doing this. Many people that "don't like conflict" are liable to be quite open about dating others, it avoids those types of conflicts. In their eyes, accept it or move on, but don't bother me about it.

If you have discussed exclusivity and you are, and you are not comfortable this trip, then again, time for that uncomfortable conflict. Don't be afraid to have a ugly conversation now that could save you much more pain later. Sticking your head in the sand rarely ever makes the bad things go away. face it now and then you will know what is going on for sure and face it as best as you can.

[squeeker]

I think the others are right.. some of his behaviors seem a bit suspicious. But it sounds like he visited this girl in Ireland? Which is closer to Netherlands than Canada, so it probably was easier than visiting you, and since she asked, and he also went with friends, so it could be an innocent friendly experience. It will be important for you to keep talking, you said you talk all the time, so that's good at least. But I guess try and look out for things that might indicate he cares for this girl more than you. But also think about what type of person he is.. it sounds like he's a fairly sociable person, so he should be allowed to have friends of all types. I think maybe it's a good sign he brought his friends along to meet the girl, because that shows more of a friend get together than a visit to someone he likes.

I can see why you would be jealous about it. But I guess try and relax about it unless he starts acting differently towards you or goes on an unexplained holiday and barely talks to you, or something like that which might look suspicious to you. Basically use your best judgement, though it's pretty normal to be a bit jealous, especially when you can't be with him but other people can. Just use your best judgement I think, from what you know about him, and whether his behaviors are changing towards you, and if they are, talk to him about it in a non judgmental way.. just maybe bring up the fact that you feel like he is changing towards you.. or something.. and then it gives him a chance to notice and try and fix things between you.

[piratemama]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

You must deal with an issue like this or it will fester. You have to be able to communicate your problems, or your relationship will suffer in the long run. Your feelings are normal for the circumstances, and a man that is doing right by you won't mind you approaching him about something bothering you. He would be glad to reassure you.

[ethelynn]

Did you ask him why he went to see the girl before visiting you? The months you were together in Canada, did she or he seem interested more than just friends with the other one?

[curious_gal518]

Did you ask him why he went to see the girl before visiting you? The months you were together in Canada, did she or he seem interested more than just friends with the other one?

He didnt seem interested in her while we were together here. She didnt seem interested in him when I met her here too. But you know, sometimes people change who they like when they're alone in a different country. So I'm worried that it might or could have happened.

[curious_gal518]

I think the others are right.. some of his behaviors seem a bit suspicious. But it sounds like he visited this girl in Ireland? Which is closer to Netherlands than Canada, so it probably was easier than visiting you, and since she asked, and he also went with friends, so it could be an innocent friendly experience. It will be important for you to keep talking, you said you talk all the time, so that's good at least. But I guess try and look out for things that might indicate he cares for this girl more than you. But also think about what type of person he is.. it sounds like he's a fairly sociable person, so he should be allowed to have friends of all types. I think maybe it's a good sign he brought his friends along to meet the girl, because that shows more of a friend get together than a visit to someone he likes.

I can see why you would be jealous about it. But I guess try and relax about it unless he starts acting differently towards you or goes on an unexplained holiday and barely talks to you, or something like that which might look suspicious to you. Basically use your best judgement, though it's pretty normal to be a bit jealous, especially when you can't be with him but other people can. Just use your best judgement I think, from what you know about him, and whether his behaviors are changing towards you, and if they are, talk to him about it in a non judgmental way.. just maybe bring up the fact that you feel like he is changing towards you.. or something.. and then it gives him a chance to notice and try and fix things between you.

I hope it is just that. He is a fairly sociable person so he likes having friends around. I usually dont have problems if girls hang around him. But my jealous instincts suddenly rang to her for some reason.

What are usually the signs that indicate that he cares for her more than he does for me?

I hope things wont get ugly when I confront once he gets back home.

[Dziubka]

I do agree that he is being immature about handling conflicts and that's something you (or he alone) definitely need(s) to work on.

BUT I don't think it's necessarily suspicious or wrong of him to visit that friend. Like squeeker said, Ireland is closer, she invited him and he's going with a friend. It's way more affordable to go to Ireland from NL than to Canada. And seeing as he (probably?) doesn't even have to pay for accomodation there, it can be a really cheap quick trip with friends.
Unless this was in any way postponing his visit to your (because he's spending money he sould be saving up to see you or using limited vacation days) I don't think it's fair to be jealous over it. You can't put your life on hold when you're not together and you can't expect your SO to do that. I know that it's sometimes difficult to accept that they have fun without you, but I'd really prefer my SO to be happy, even while we're apart.

[curious_gal518]

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

I got a little bit of feedback from him, and it did seem like a friendly adventure overall. I may have to wait a bit to express my feelings to him because it seems impersonal sending it through messages and he needs to unwind from the trip.

I guess I have a bit of a trust issues since a similar thing happened to me in a previous LDR which ended badly. And here I thought I would learn, eh? :P

[QueenB92]

Yeah I've had a few of those "doesn't like conflict" guys but they know to listen to me or it could be hell. He should know that every relationship will have conflicts, its unavoidable, its up to the both of you to handle it. My SO doesn't like conflict but I never hide my feelings. When I tell him what's wrong he tries to fix it, which is important. It's sad that he doesn't want to communicate with you. Have you asked him if anything is going on with that girl that he has to make time to see her other than you? And how come he doesn't want to see you? If he refuses to tell you, you have to put your foot down and tell him " No! you will listen to me! I've been putting up with you avoiding me too long. I have feelings for you and I feel like you don't care" You could also avoid contact from him for days or weeks (if you really can, some people can't for too long)and this will make him wonder where you are, and give him a taste of his own medicine. If he doesn't do anything to fix this, find a better man who will care. It may be hard, but he is out there.

[silvermoonfairy3]

You could also avoid contact from him for days or weeks (if you really can, some people can't for too long)and this will make him wonder where you are, and give him a taste of his own medicine.

Err.. let's not do that. It's vindictive and immature, and doesn't contribute anything toward learning how to discuss issues like reasonable adults.