reflection

[Anonymous2]

To all of you who have finally closed the distance, made it to the end, got engaged/married, or never did get to see the light at the end of the tunnel that is a LDR...

What do you think this LDR has done for you? God knows it's a hard enough experience, but was it something that you just endured or was it something you thrived upon. Did you surprise yourself with how strong you could be, or did you discover how much you need that other person in your life.

If you got engaged, was it because you couldn't take it anymore or was that always the plan? Do you think going through this process will make your marriage stronger? Why?

Most of the time people tell me being in a LDR is great because it teaches you how to be independent and strong. That got me thinking, what if you're not an independent person and you're okay with that? What can you take from this experience if not that?

I know not many people would admit to how often they questioned being in a LDR, but for all of you who did, what were your reasons for having doubts? How often did you wonder if (SO aside) everything you were going through would be worth it in the end. Was it worth it? (stereotypical question, I know)

Most of these entries focus so much on being in the moment during this journey, but there's probably so many things you can reflect on once you've reached the end...and I don't think people talk about that enough.

[Zephii]

Interesting thread. Let's have a crack at this.

The LDR kept me entertained for years. Enabled me at one time to continue a toxic relationship in real life as I used the LDR as a crutch. It taught me that loneliness has nothing to do with physicality and that I could be 100% fulfilled in a relationship that existed largely in our shared imaginations. It taught me that no one is going to be my hero - I am the hero in my story. It taught me if you want something, you have to bloody well go and get it! It taught me that the history of a couple, the early days that form the foundation of the relationship, can be the rock that you return to when life gets crazy; when you forget and take each other for granted. Sometimes I lay there at night and remember how hard we fought for this, or I wake up in the morning and I'm all "holy shit we really did it!" Then I roll over, see the crib and I'm all "woah! We have a kid!" It's crazy.
The first part of the LDR (before we committed til we closed the distance the first time) I feel like I thrived. I had everything I needed. I had a future, time to study uninterrupted, and a plan. There was excitement. And Gods did we talk! We spoke about everything. There's nothing more bonding than that.
The second time? It was only two months, but it was from a mistake of planning on our part, and it was much harder. There's certainly a place in your life where you're more suited to LDR and we were no longer in it.

I'm not an independent person, but I can get by if I have to. I think all people need to be able to be fine alone. You're fucked if you actually need a partner. I always maintain I'm with him because I want to be, not because I need to be... though there have been times I've had to admit I'd be screwed if he left
What can you take from the LDR experience if not that? Hmm - the ability to communicate at a better level than your average person/couple.

I never really questioned being in a LDR. We met online. It was distance or nothing. I never thought "do I want to be in a long distance relationship?" I thought "Do I want him or not?" and the answer was yes. I did start to question things after we closed the distance. For me, that's when it got hard. About eight months or so in, when the full force hit me - the fact that one of us would always be away from our family, friends and country. One of us would always be out of place and the other would always carry the guilt. We have a burden in our relationship that other couples don't, and some days I still struggle with that. At the moment, he carries the burden and I the guilt, and life is beautiful.

It's always been worth it. I'm not living for the future, and I never really have. I try and make every day worth it, and with the exception of a very dark period when I lived in his country, I've succeeded. Having him in my life is worth the price I've paid, and that price has been very high indeed.

There isn't an end. Not for all of us. For some people, they entered a LDR when one person moved away for a while, then that person moves back and it's history. For us, as an international couple, the distance is and will always be a factor even though we're together. But I do look back and reflect regularly. Most of the time that's simply because I really enjoy our love story

[ldrxoxo]

Instead of encouraging others to keep the faith while it doesn't seem like it will work out for some, I think some of them are too comfortable with their own LDRs that they never have to experience sudden no contact from weeks at a time. They put down others when it didn't work out for other people. I'm not talking about everyone who has had successful LDRs, but at some of them I'm just appalled. You'd think since they have a successful LDR they'd try to tell other people good things that it can work, it just takes time. Instead they insult people for still hoping or still attempting to work things out calling them names. If it were me who had a successful LDR, I'd always encourage people not to give up no matter how hopeless it seems, but if nothing can be done for the time being, just to wait and give each other space.

I'm used to my alone time that I have so being alone all the time doesn't bother me since I'm comfortable with my schedule. I know some people don't like a lot of "me time" but I don't mind.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Instead of encouraging others to keep the faith while it doesn't seem like it will work out for some, I think some of them are too comfortable with their own LDRs that they never have to experience sudden no contact from weeks at a time. They put down others when it didn't work out for other people. I'm not talking about everyone who has had successful LDRs, but at some of them I'm just appalled. You'd think since they have a successful LDR they'd try to tell other people good things that it can work, it just takes time. Instead they insult people for still hoping or still attempting to work things out calling them names. If it were me who had a successful LDR, I'd always encourage people not to give up no matter how hopeless it seems, but if nothing can be done for the time being, just to wait and give each other space.

With all due respect, are you planning on hijacking every thread with bitterness over the advice you received recently?


Back to original post, I haven't closed the distance, so I can't speak to that, but hopefully one day I can.

Even without having closed the distance, though, being in this LDR has taught me a LOT. About myself, about communication (and I thought I was good at it before!), about everything. I had the same thing as Zephii in the sense that I wasn't deciding "Do I want an LDR or not?"

LDR let me be much more casual getting into it that I tended to take CD. In my dating life, I had most recently dated a guy who lived 2 hours away, and after that I was like no, I want someone close by. So when I met my SO online and we hit it off immediately, it was just us chatting a lot, having fun, flirting, and me not thinking relationship-y at all.

And then it was like BAM, this guy is absolutely incredible, so I guess we're gonna talk about LD. It was never even a question for me. It went from thinking generally that I didn't want someone far away to not even thinking twice about getting into and LDR when an amazing guy, a great guy for me, came along.

That said, LDRs (as we all know!) are f-ing hard, and if he wasn't so incredible, it'd be hard for me to want to continue that. Basically, like Zephii, the question for me is "do I want to be with *him*?" not "do I want to be in an LDR?" Because no, I would rather not have to be LDR, but if that's the price to be with him, it is what it is and he's worth it.

If/when we close the distance, I'll definitely be reflecting further, but I'm a reflective person.

Great thread topic!

[Davidvs]

I'm now in my first LDR, and I was not prepared for what it would be like, even though I actively sought one out (international dating site).. At the same time, I was also on local dating sites meeting people nearby. I remember, very shortly after starting to communicate with my now girlfriend, sitting in a fabulous restaurant on a first date with a lovely lady having a great time... but in the back of my head, all I could think about was getting home in time to catch XXXXX before she got ready to go to work.

So there I was with two choices, the local girl I had just started talking to, or the girl from halfway around the world that I just started talking to. Obviously, I chose the halfway around the world girl and now have a world of issues to deal with... Loneliness when her internet isn't working, twelve hour time difference, learning (and teaching) about new cultures. Hours on the computer, hours waiting to get on the computer... not being able to hold my girlfriend's hand for the first time for another 6 months... and probably so much more that we haven't encountered yet.

But, at the end of the day... if I could go back to that night, getting ready to leave the restaurant and I had he choice again to either ask the girl I was with to come to the bar next door for one more drink, or to run home and get back on the computer...

Yeah, I'd run home and turn on that computer every time.

[differentcountries]

We have not yet closed the distance, but from next month we will begin what I call "semi-closing"; we will see more of each other that we ever had, at at regular basis, we will even have a flat to call our own (which he never had anyway so that is a huge step in itself for him)... We will have more time to explore every day life in Turkey, hopefully after the season ends we can do something similar in Norway.

I am unsure weather I am an idependant person. I can definetely stand alone, I like alone time during the day and I don't mind to travel alone. On the other hand, at my last work place my boss used to say I was "not a lone wolf" (unlike the others, I guess) because I definetely crave company. Also, I have not been single since I was 19, and currently I have been with my husband almost 10 years. And I do have two relationships, and wish to spend lots of time with both of them. Though, I was never one to be joint at the hip with a lover. In that sense, I thing LD suits me fine to an extent, still if he lived close by and had a "normal" job it would be easier to organize my days.

If he ever moves here, I recon we would still travel to Turkey at least 2 times a year (which would be more than he currently see his family) to meet his friends and family, if we had a child the child would need that contact, too. I would not feel guilty for taking him here, I would recon he did so because he wanted it, and he has friends here, too. I am in love with his country so it is not like I want him to ever forget. For me, the long distance is for life. One of use will have to stay in the other's country, that is just the way it is, but I recon it will be more like just swapping who will travel the most and where to. I have grown fond of the travelling. Also, staying in Turkey in the warmer times is really good for my health.

I sometimes doubt if I can afford this, I seldom wonder if it is worth it! He is so wonderful, I feel he is worth anything I can possably set aside. I have heard a lot of stories like "oh the Turks only want to marry Norwegians to get to stay in a western country, it is not for love" - in some ways my relationship is easier because he can never stay just because of me, he would have to get a job/education here. He is well aware of this and still he wants the relationship. There is a time after I come back, with a certain post-visit blues, that always lifts. It is harder for him but I don't think he ever wants to leave. I am just amazed I found him. I don't want to ever stop seeing him.

[TaraMarie]

I think my story is a little different. I was getting out of a thirty year relationship/marriage when I met my SO. BECAUSE we are LD I've had to learn to do things myself. For thirty years i had someone to count on to do things for me. I think if i started dating someone local I would have been too clingy....Because I like Having someone around me all the time.....and that wouldn't have ended well. And quite honestly, it would have been too early to jump into a full time relationship.

Wow....it just dawned on me that in my case it's worked out exactly as it was meant to.....hmmmm. You learn something new every day. And from the other side.....he wouldnt have his current dream job if he hadnt met me and wasnt looking for a new position in Atlanta. He's still currently in NY....but transferring here is looking better and better everyday!

[OperaDiva]

I haven't closed the distance either, but I am most times amazed at how much I have learned and still learning on the way. I never knew I was such a physical person when it came to expressing romantic affection and how much I need touch to feel connected. It is also a very steep learning curve on being independent, but staying faithful and connected. Unlike some people here I chose to be in an LDR because I moved away for my career, but that showed me what an amazing guy I found - one that put my dreams and my future before his personal comfort, one that respected me as a professional as well as loved me as a woman. I don't think I would have ever known how big his heart really is if we had stayed in the same place.
This is sort of a tangent, but in my profession people travel very often and many couples are/have been/will be in an LDR at some point in their life. Many of them understand and can relate to what I am going through, including my boss and his wife. I think it has brought me closer to them, being able to talk about it and to share

[Zephii]

Instead of encouraging others to keep the faith while it doesn't seem like it will work out for some, I think some of them are too comfortable with their own LDRs that they never have to experience sudden no contact from weeks at a time. They put down others when it didn't work out for other people. I'm not talking about everyone who has had successful LDRs, but at some of them I'm just appalled. You'd think since they have a successful LDR they'd try to tell other people good things that it can work, it just takes time. Instead they insult people for still hoping or still attempting to work things out calling them names. If it were me who had a successful LDR, I'd always encourage people not to give up no matter how hopeless it seems, but if nothing can be done for the time being, just to wait and give each other space.

I'm used to my alone time that I have so being alone all the time doesn't bother me since I'm comfortable with my schedule. I know some people don't like a lot of "me time" but I don't mind.

I know there's totally something going on here that I missed. Some bitterness due to some forum drama I haven't kept up with no doubt. I'm not touching them with a ten foot pole, but I wanted to respond to this because well... some relationships you shouldn't encourage.

Some relationships are obviously abusive, toxic, unhealthy or just plain effed-up. Some relationships the people therein have so little contact with each other, so little involvement in each others lives that I personally can't see how it can be considered a relationship at all. Again there's the relationships that just seem to exist in one party's head while the other person is largely oblivious.
Those relationships/posters, I'm not going to tell "it can work etc" I'm going to tell them the TRUTH, to the best of my ability. Even if that isn't what they want to hear.

I think there needs to be a different criteria for what constitutes a successful LDR though. Closing the distance isn't it. That's a huge achievement, don't get me wrong. But it's a bad measuring stick. Closing the distance doesn't mean you will keep it closed or that you won't later break up. It doesn't mean you're having a happy healthy relationship. It just means you managed to be in the same place. It also doesn't make you a magically better person who's going to feel compelled to uplift every sagging heart they meet. It doesn't work like that. Today I'm still the arsehole I was five years ago, you know?

[snow]

Looking back at almost 2 years with this incredible man I can say that I learned a lot about myself. Like Zephii I was pulled out of a bad relationship and I am grateful for it. I learned that I am worth something and much more than my ex used to make me believe. I learned to trust in myself and what "trust" really means, unconditional, complete trust - receiving it and giving it has made me a better person. Throughout those two years I matured a lot - I bettered my relationship with my parents, who now acknowledge that I am an adult and make adult decision for myself, I stopped worrying about what other people think of me (for the most part, still on it!), I worked a lot on my anxiety, anger issues, depression and other issues I had. He made me see that I am stronger than I always thought I was.

At the beginning of our relationship I was a scared, clingy, overly attached girl who just wanted to be loved. Now I am a less scared, rarely clingy, but still overly attached women who appreciates the love she gets. This relationship helped a lot with my communication skills as I had close to none when we started dating, now I voice my opinion and stand up for myself.

We knew from the very beginning that at some point we would get engaged or we'd have to break up. It is very important to me and I told him right from day 1 that marrying and having a family is one of my main goals in life. After our first visit he told me he would not talk to me about engagement anymore, because he wants it to be a natural progression and be as spontaneous as it can get, if you actually have to plan a snow-pleasing proposal :P

I never treated this relationship any different, just because we were long-distance. From the beginning we would always keep in mind "what would you do if you were actually right next to me" and lived by that standard. Of course you get the sadness and missing part, but I have this guy and he is mine! He says he loves me and is commited to me, why should I treat it any different? I know how lucky I am to have him.

I never worried that it might not work out, but I worried if our plan will work or if we have to change it. Right now we are waiting for the visa and I know it can take a long time, but we stay hopeful. I always knew that in the end getting through all the obstacles in our past like my parents being against us (my whole family for that matter) or not being able to be with each other for extended periods of time will make it worthwhile when we hold hands after we got pronounced husband and wife and can be together.

[lyonsgirl]

Oooooh reflection! I like reflection.

My SO & I started CD (5 months). Then we went LD (4 months), then back to CD again (about 3 months). And LD once more (18 months). We've been CD for about 5 1/2 months now - and married for 5!

Throughout our entire LD experience one of the best things we learned was how to work through our arguments. Sure, we argue about stupid things still (yes, we still fight), but we are able to recognize and resolve it fairly quickly.

On the independent & strong thing: I have been on my own for about 8 years - so making the transition from being on my own to living with someone was hard. Really hard. I was on my own before we got married - and wasn't living with a roommate either for 6 of those 8 years. So while being independent is great and all - it's brought on it's own set of problems. The only way I know how to "get over" this is time, unfortunately.

[lucybelle]

I'm so far out from being LD that it's almost hard for me to remember what it was like. Sure, I remember it sucked and how some days I would cry myself to sleep. But that raw feeling of loneliness, I don't even remember anymore.

I love my SO to my very core and I think I treasure every moment we have together because of the LD portion of the relationship, but it could also be a lot of other things. I don't think we were LD long enough for it to really shape our relationship (2 years).

Was the LDR worth it? Yes. Every second of loneliness for those two years was worth it to spend the rest of my life with my SO.

[simplysam]

I believe nobody has planned to be in a LDR because of the sacrifice and hardship you will go through. But you cannot choose the one you will love, your heart doesn't
know the meaning of distance. Even if we will not be a lucky partner to close the distance, I'm still blessed that he became my SO and had a chance to love and be loved by him.

[Anonymous2]

One of the coolest things I think I've learned about being in a LDR is that it kind of forces you to acknowledge certain character traits. I have never been an independent person, but I have always been a strong person capable of being independent. I never knew that about myself until I was forced to grow up or give up/give in. The first few months it took me to learn this was agony. I often wonder if I had figured out that I can take care of myself by myself sooner whether it would have made the separation easier. Although I know that about myself now and it still doesn't keep me from occasionally crying myself to sleep. I wonder if I ever would have figured out that I am capable of being independent, and thriving on it, if I had never made the decision to stay behind when he left.

I also think that committing to LD kind of forces you to face whether your relationship will make it or not. I'm not saying that people who can't make LD work would have broken up anyway, just that I've found distance gives you a better perspective.

Given that we've talked about what will happen to the relationship once all this is over, I've been wondering about a phrase I've heard from multiple people along the way..."If you can make it through a LDR, then everything else after that (in terms of the relationship) will be a piece of cake". True or not True? Marriage is obviously something that takes a lot of sacrifice, but is it equivalent to what you go through for a LDR, is it easier, harder? I wonder how that journey compares to this one.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I've heard from multiple people along the way..."If you can make it through a LDR, then everything else after that (in terms of the relationship) will be a piece of cake". True or not True? Marriage is obviously something that takes a lot of sacrifice, but is it equivalent to what you go through for a LDR, is it easier, harder? I wonder how that journey compares to this one.

I've kinda wondered that myself. In some ways, it seems like it would be true for me. I really need physical touch and being in the same place, so that's been REALLY challenging about this LDR. I feel like, how can things be harder than this? lol.. but of course, they could be and I just don't know the challenges yet.

That said, one thing that I say to my SO sometimes is that if the biggest issue we have is that we want more time together, more physical contact, that's not the worst problem to have.