In desperate need of some support

[JayEm]

Hey everyone, first time poster. I'm not usually much of a forum person but I don't have anywhere else to turn to because nobody I know seems to really understand my predicament.

I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years now. I live in Ireland and she in England and we've always made it work, visits here and there, Skype calls most days and every day messenging all the time. She is a year older than me and finished her final exams last year. I'm sitting mine in June. We planned on closing the gap and going to university together this coming September, ending long distance permanently. However, as of this week, we may have to split up, the reason being that she has gone away to Thailand for 2 months working in an animal sanctuary, and I am just not coping well at all.

The time difference means I'm 6 hours behind, which is a complete spanner in the works, as well as the fact she is totally dependant on wifi to talk to me (no data service). This, and me being uncomfortable with Thailand as a whole has led to a huge amount of stress and tension in the whole ordeal, also not helped by her refusing to compromise about anything. She initially promised she would cut her trip short, but has since reneged. I asked her not to go to the Full Moon party that seems to be such a big deal on the island she's staying on (basically a drug fuelled rave for 30000 fucked up tourists) and she promised she would not. She has also reneged on this.

I'm so upset and worried. She's an 18 year old English girl alone in a strange country and going to something like that. It's also heavily impacting my studies, as most of the time I'm too busy worrying or arguing with her to do anything else.

I'm really struggling here, and I cant even discuss it with her because she's so adamant. Can anyone help me? I have no idea what to do. I can't conceive of doing this for 8 weeks while trying to prepare for such important exams. What do I do? Please, someone help me

[differentcountries]

2 months is not a long time. I imagine you have been longer apart than this before. What is so special about Thailand? You make it sound like her working with wounded animals is somehow wrong...Which I imagine she finds odd. Can you maybe try to explain more what ticks your jealousy and feelings of being alone? Can you agree on a time of day /week where it is conveniant to Skype /call? Can she text you sometimes in between?

[JayEm]

I don't have an issue with her working with animals, I'm glad she's doing something worthwhile at least. My problem with Thailand is its reputation for hedonism and danger. She is a sensible girl and would never do drugs or cheat on me, but I worry for her and I resent that she won't be around to support me through my exams as I did for her last year.
The Full Moon Party scares me, as a simple Google search of it tells you all you really need to know. I also resent her being completely unwilling to compromise or understand my point of view, or why I am upset about it. She can text me in between yes, but significantly less than how we would normally speak and have done for the last two years.
I guess two months isn't terribly long, but its so different and I'm finding it very hard indeed

[silvermoonfairy3]

Can your girlfriend take care of herself?
It's natural to worry a bit about people you love when they're in new situations, but you have to let her live her life. Expressing concern is fine, and hopefully she's taking the usual precautions to make sure she's safe and not doing something too stupid in a new country, but you're probably coming across very clingy and/or parental to her. (The "18 year old English girl alone in a foreign country" thing. That just reads very parental.

Perhaps you can try to set more of a "schedule" with her for when you guys can talk or skype, even if it isn't as much as you'd hope/like. 2 months isn't a very long time in the grand scheme of things, even though it seems like it, and she'll be back before you know it. You want her to come back eager to be in touch again regularly, happy that you trusted her and were secure enough to understand she was off on this exciting new adventure, right? You don't want her to come back feeling like you constricted her trip, or made her feel bad for wanting to do stuff in Thailand.

I know it's difficult to focus on other stuff sometimes, but that's really about the only thing you can do. Go out with friends, pick up a hobby, go for walks/to the gym/something to stay active. (Especially the active thing! I find being active does wonders for my brain.) Study for those tests.

It'll be tough to keep your mind off it, and you probably won't be able to all the time, but even trying will be a good step.

Good luck!

[silvermoonfairy3]

I resent that she won't be around to support me through my exams as I did for her last year.

Ah.. that's a different issue.
Is there something in particular that she could do from where she is to support you? If so, you could say to her, hey I'm having a really tough time with these exams, it would totally help me out if you could do X.
If there's nothing that she can do from where she is, it's a little unfair to hold it against her. Should she not have pursued this job experience because she should have been sitting around to help you through exams?
Sometimes life just works that way, and while I understand how lame it feels that you did it for her and she isn't doing it for you, it's not malicious/intentional. You're seeing it as "she's not around to support me during exams" where she's probably seeing it as "I got this awesome opportunity for a job" and that also happens to unfortunately mean she won't be around for your exams.

I'd definitely talk to her about it, if you can/feel comfortable, but don't make it a "I did this, so you should, too" thing.

The Full Moon Party scares me, as a simple Google search of it tells you all you really need to know. I also resent her being completely unwilling to compromise or understand my point of view, or why I am upset about it.

There's two things going on here, the party and the resentment.
As for the party itself.. well, it's her life. You can express being uncomfortable about it, and presumably she'll take that into account when making her decision, but it's still her decision.

The resentment is the bigger issue. Is she not seeing your point, or does she see it, but not feel that it changes her mind? Sometimes, people think that their SO doesn't "see their point" when really they mean their SO "doesn't agree with them" which is a different thing.
How did she indicate that she doesn't get it?
And how do you want her to compromise, do you have a specific idea? Have you suggested something like, she calls when she's leaving for the party, and gets in touch with you when she's back from it?

She can text me in between yes, but significantly less than how we would normally speak and have done for the last two years.

Unfortunately, it's probably just going to be less, because the circumstances have changed. She's in a different situation, in a literal different place, and sometimes that means adapting to the fact that things change.

[differentcountries]

I don't have an issue with her working with animals, I'm glad she's doing something worthwhile at least. My problem with Thailand is its reputation for hedonism and danger. She is a sensible girl and would never do drugs or cheat on me, but I worry for her and I resent that she won't be around to support me through my exams as I did for her last year.
The Full Moon Party scares me, as a simple Google search of it tells you all you really need to know. I also resent her being completely unwilling to compromise or understand my point of view, or why I am upset about it. She can text me in between yes, but significantly less than how we would normally speak and have done for the last two years.
I guess two months isn't terribly long, but its so different and I'm finding it very hard indeed

You worry for her safety, which may come out as cute and romantic, or overprotective and parental.
You want her to motivate you, which could be a compliment to her soothing effect on you, or as demanding
Don't take all your info from Google. It may not be exactly as you picture it, or perhaps exactly like that but she may want to find out for herself
There isn't really many ways to compromise between taking a trip or not taking a trip, especially when you seem to resent the smallest ammount of change
You have not once expressed that you are happy about her uppertunity to see the world. Even if you are not, if you try to see things from her point of view it might become easier for her to see your position. After all, you don't get to do any of the fun stuff she does, in fact you will just have exams while missing her. But... If you think of it as a test, life will probably have more difficult things in store for you. If you can manage to see the other person now, it may be easier on you later, in cd life with all the challenges that normal life brings.

[Hollandia]

I am going to go a bit tough love here.

First of all, it's two more months and then your end is in sight. Keep that in mind. Stop dwelling on it could have not been two more months and start realizing you could be sitting open ended like many others are. Second. I have been doing 6 hour time difference and 3800 miles for a few years, it is doable. As long as she and you make the effort it really is. Third, you keep mentioning things that sound like you are afraid of all this partying and hedonism (sex), well, do you trust her or not? My SO lives in the land of tall blond gorgeous amazon super model types and btw, if she wants to cheat she can do it around the corner in the local grocery store after you have closed the distance or the local pub. I have actually been to Hedonism in Jamaica and it was cool but I was not tempted in the slightest bit to cheat on my partner at the time, because I was not that type of person. Is your GF? If not, then you have nothing to worry about. Fourth, I think that you should be able to take your exams on your own, she can give you whatever moral support she was giving you from UK while she in Tailand, really I don't see any reason for resentment there. Lastly, If you really want to break things off because of this trip, then do it, because if you do, you must not really and truly love her like you say you do.

Really, you are in the homestretch. What is most important at this point, winning the argument of her going on this trip or spending your lives together afterwards?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I am going to go a bit tough love here.

First of all, it's two more months and then your end is in sight. Keep that in mind. Stop dwelling on it could have not been two more months and start realizing you could be sitting open ended like many others are. Second. I have been doing 6 hour time difference and 3800 miles for a few years, it is doable. As long as she and you make the effort it really is. Third, you keep mentioning things that sound like you are afraid of all this partying and hedonism (sex), well, do you trust her or not? My SO lives in the land of tall blond gorgeous amazon super model types and btw, if she wants to cheat she can do it around the corner in the local grocery store after you have closed the distance or the local pub. I have actually been to Hedonism in Jamaica and it was cool but I was not tempted in the slightest bit to cheat on my partner at the time, because I was not that type of person. Is your GF? If not, then you have nothing to worry about. Fourth, I think that you should be able to take your exams on your own, she can give you whatever moral support she was giving you from UK while she in Tailand, really I don't see any reason for resentment there. Lastly, If you really want to break things off because of this trip, then do it, because if you do, you must not really and truly love her like you say you do.

Really, you are in the homestretch. What is most important at this point, winning the argument of her going on this trip or spending your lives together afterwards?

I agree. Two months, with definite plans to close the distance sure beats an open-ended LDR. And 6 hours time difference sure beats the 16 hour difference my SO and I have between Australia and the US. But, we do it, because we love each other.

You are young, and have your whole lives ahead. Don't rain on her parade! Let her enjoy her adventure, and be proud of her accomplishments. It will give her life experience, and memories to share with you. And really, two months will go by quickly, if you stay busy, which studying for your all-important final exams will do. And of course, keep up with your outside activities too, so you don't fry your brain from cramming too much.

[melarie]

I pretty much second everything Hollandia said. I know it can be hard when they go away on trips and your contact is limited. My SO went off the Wales for a week and we had no contact whatsoever. I know a week is nothing and not really comparable to your situation, but when you go from constant contact to NO contact, it feels like 2 months lol. During this trip he was doing stuff that I would consider to be kind of dangerous (rock climbing and the like) and I was of course worried, especially since I would have no way of knowing if he was injured. But the fact of the matter was, he's an adult and I had no right to tell him he couldn't do those things or make him feel guilty about having fun.

Also, I'm not sure what kind of support you can even offer someone who's doing finals. Other than to give their mind a break, which you can easily do for yourself in the ways that others have mentioned. If anything, you could use the finals to your benefit. You have something important to put all your focus into, instead of worrying sick about her.

You should ask her to check in here and there though if she's not doing it already. But make sure when you ask, you make it about being sure she's safe so it doesn't come off as controlling/wanting to know her constant whereabouts. If she doesn't have international texting, have her text your email. It's something she can do whether she has wifi or not. It's what I used to do when I was in school and got bored. You just put the email address in the "to" slot, instead of a phone number.