When it rains, it pours

[piratemama]

My SO has been really supportive, but I feel I'm draining our relationship right now. I have one issue after another in my life, and I don't think I'll ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. This run of strange happenings started almost five years ago with my ex-husband's rare dementia. We went through hell with all the bizarre behavior and him wandering, getting lost, hallucinations, paranoia, swallowing difficulties and on and on. We had to place him in a nursing home, and he was only in his 50's. With lots of issues from his family, he and I ended up divorced.

My mother has been sick and is getting worse. She's showing signs of something like Alzheimer's with memory issues and personality changes. She's staying with me now, and it's not easy. I don't know how to help her. The doctors are working on it, but it takes time to diagnose something like that. I'm trying to find a job and have a trying full day of testing on Tuesday. I'm really hoping that will work out, but it's also frightening to start work after many years of being a stay-at-home mom.

On top of all that, my daughter had a car accident yesterday with my mother in the car with her. Thankfully, no one seemed to be hurt badly, but passengers in the other car went to the hospital. The officer thought they were all fine. My car has over $5000 worth of damage, and I'm worried the insurance company will give me grief.

Thankfully, I have my SO. He and I became friends, and eventually love blossomed. I'm so happy he came into my life. He's had his own heartaches, and I have walked with him through some of it. It's great that he and I can lean on each other. He makes everything brighter, but I feel like I have nothing to offer him. I know he has problems, and I try hard to be supportive and helpful. But, I need him, too. He's so busy always. Tonight he's out with family, and I'm feeling down. I realize I'm being selfish and needy. It sucks being in an LDR and the one person you need the most is too far away to hug you.

He actually said today for me to call if I need him. Well, yeah, I need you. Now. Here. Of course, I didn't say that. Sure wanted to, though.

When my daughter had her wreck, the first thought I had was to call my SO. Then, I thought how that wouldn't do a bit of good. He couldn't come. I'm so sick of the distance. I'm sick of the reasons we have to keep the distance for who knows how long. I'm sick of crying when down and not being able to talk to him. I'm sick of every darn thing coming first.

You know what seems the most unfair? How an LDR gets treated completely differently. If I were in the same town as he, he would be with me tonight. He knows I'm stressed, but it doesn't work that way with distance. "Well, I have these tickets, so I have to go." We come second in these relationships, only because of the distance. I want him to have a life, but I would love to be first for a change.

All these storms in my life will pass, I know, but they aren't helping my relationship. I try to stay positive for him and I try to keep a smile on my face, but it's not easy. I'm ready to pitch a fit. I need to get out and take a break from caregiving and from worrying, but I have no car! It's in the shop. Ugh!

I know all the advice I give and everyone else on this forum gives. I should get busy and do something fun. I did sit outside in the cool breeze for a time, but I'm not in the mood to do anything. How to get out of this funk?

What do you all do during stressful times? Do you share your bad stuff with your SO, or do you keep some to yourself to spare your SO?

Please pray or keep your fingers crossed about my job and car. We've been through several years of tough times emotionally and mentally. I'm ready for that rainbow after the rain.

[squeeker]

Hi there! I know somewhat what you are feeling.. except moreso with the reversed roles because my SO has been through a lot more than me. And in the past few months more things came up, and maybe the things themselves wouldn't have been so bad but it was the fact that they kept coming.. and it happens to him a lot.. so he finds it very difficult to relax.

I think with my SO and I we share a lot of what goes on.. but I think sometimes he's said that he doesn't always say the full extent.. it sucks being so far away.. can't help when things go bad.. all I can do is talk.. and when something goes wrong in my life all I can do is talk.. and it seems to just make the other person feel bad and helpless.

Distance totally sucks. Those sad stressful times are the biggest times when it sucks.. because it's hard to figure out something to do. I guess the options are, well one, talk to your SO about it because sometimes it helps to just let it out, but I guess understand that they probably can't help you in the way that would be most needed (a hug) but they are there, even if it's only over the internet or the phone.. and maybe watching a distracting video clip or movie or TV show at the same time.. to take your mind off it.. or maybe go through a list of things.. or maybe just both being silent on video call for a bit to think through and look through things and stuff at the same time but knowing each other is there..

I don't know.. But I guess you know it all already. And you give so much good advice on this forum.. so really I just wanted to say..

I hope things get better for you. It sucks when things keep getting thrown at you.. I hope things can settle out soon.. Just keep holding on.. remember the love you and your SO share for each other, and keep fighting the distance.. one day I'm sure you will be able to close that distance and be together..

[ldrxoxo]

I totally know what you mean about the string of bad stuff happening. It's been happening all my life. I've never gotten one good year to myself. For a few months things will be the most amazing it has ever been, then turn right back to crap. Although mine isn't as severe as your bad things, it's been taking a toll on me living pay check to pay check, not having a car, work constantly laying me off, and not having many people understand my situation makes it even worse to tolerate it. On top of work laying me off, that's been delaying me to save up to meet my LDR and I ended up freaking out about it on him and that drove him away, and not knowing when or if we'd ever meet is also driving me to insanity as well, but some people don't seem to get it.

The one time I really needed my LDR to be there for me, he freaked out and completely deleted me...so much for support! I hate my town because it has crap jobs. All this place has is mostly temporary manufacturing jobs and if I were to move to California which people seem to tell me I could get a job there in an instant with a college degree, that would mean, being 20 more days further away from my interest than we already are far away from each other, and we would really have to buy plane tickets to see each other.

I don't usually tell my interest things. I normally write them down on my other personal blog and sometimes he'll tell me he read my stories and talk to me about it when it's not so severe. On my other blog, I don't rant about things, I turn situations into non-fictional or fictional stories and that usually helps a little to deal with reality.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

My SO has been really supportive, but I feel I'm draining our relationship right now. I have one issue after another in my life, and I don't think I'll ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. This run of strange happenings started almost five years ago with my ex-husband's rare dementia. We went through hell with all the bizarre behavior and him wandering, getting lost, hallucinations, paranoia, swallowing difficulties and on and on. We had to place him in a nursing home, and he was only in his 50's. With lots of issues from his family, he and I ended up divorced.

My mother has been sick and is getting worse. She's showing signs of something like Alzheimer's with memory issues and personality changes. She's staying with me now, and it's not easy. I don't know how to help her. The doctors are working on it, but it takes time to diagnose something like that. I'm trying to find a job and have a trying full day of testing on Tuesday. I'm really hoping that will work out, but it's also frightening to start work after many years of being a stay-at-home mom.

On top of all that, my daughter had a car accident yesterday with my mother in the car with her. Thankfully, no one seemed to be hurt badly, but passengers in the other car went to the hospital. The officer thought they were all fine. My car has over $5000 worth of damage, and I'm worried the insurance company will give me grief.

Thankfully, I have my SO. He and I became friends, and eventually love blossomed. I'm so happy he came into my life. He's had his own heartaches, and I have walked with him through some of it. It's great that he and I can lean on each other. He makes everything brighter, but I feel like I have nothing to offer him. I know he has problems, and I try hard to be supportive and helpful. But, I need him, too. He's so busy always. Tonight he's out with family, and I'm feeling down. I realize I'm being selfish and needy. It sucks being in an LDR and the one person you need the most is too far away to hug you.

He actually said today for me to call if I need him. Well, yeah, I need you. Now. Here. Of course, I didn't say that. Sure wanted to, though.

When my daughter had her wreck, the first thought I had was to call my SO. Then, I thought how that wouldn't do a bit of good. He couldn't come. I'm so sick of the distance. I'm sick of the reasons we have to keep the distance for who knows how long. I'm sick of crying when down and not being able to talk to him. I'm sick of every darn thing coming first.

You know what seems the most unfair? How an LDR gets treated completely differently. If I were in the same town as he, he would be with me tonight. He knows I'm stressed, but it doesn't work that way with distance. "Well, I have these tickets, so I have to go." We come second in these relationships, only because of the distance. I want him to have a life, but I would love to be first for a change.

All these storms in my life will pass, I know, but they aren't helping my relationship. I try to stay positive for him and I try to keep a smile on my face, but it's not easy. I'm ready to pitch a fit. I need to get out and take a break from caregiving and from worrying, but I have no car! It's in the shop. Ugh!

I know all the advice I give and everyone else on this forum gives. I should get busy and do something fun. I did sit outside in the cool breeze for a time, but I'm not in the mood to do anything. How to get out of this funk?

What do you all do during stressful times? Do you share your bad stuff with your SO, or do you keep some to yourself to spare your SO?

Please pray or keep your fingers crossed about my job and car. We've been through several years of tough times emotionally and mentally. I'm ready for that rainbow after the rain.

Wow! You have your hands full all the way around, no wonder you are stressed about to the breaking point. I can really empathize with you on this. I often feel the same way. I don't have a clue when that light at the end of the tunnel will appear. We don't talk much about it, because it upsets him, with the family complications, financial worries, etc., and then I get frustrated and we fight. And I have my own issues, with family illness. My oldest son has ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease), which is always fatal, and he was diagnosed in 2010, and given an estimate of 3-5 years to live.

Yes, it sure does seem that way, that we come second to everyone and everything in their life. Many times I feel like I get the leftovers after his world has taken most of his time and energy. Sometimes I feel like we are being cut out from our own story, by everyone around us, and our dreams are lying on the cutting room floor, like discarded movie scenes.

And I know the futility of sharing bad stuff with him, but I still do it. Soon after we met, we had a tornado here, which is nothing new, being in Tornado Alley, but, as I sat in the bathtub with pillows and a blanket, my purse, scriptures and my cell phone, he was the one I felt I had to talk to, as if he could do anything out there in Australia. But he was a comfort to me. And once when some drunk came banging at my door in the middle of the night, yelling at me, scaring the daylights out of me, after I talked to the police, I was still shaking, and I found my SO online, and we chatted a bit until I calmed down and was able to go back to sleep. I guess I could have woke up my family in the next town, but it was late, and I knew he would still be up, with our time difference, and he was the one I needed. We have supported each other through family crisis, and illness and death. Since we met, he has lost his mother, and I have lost both of my parents, and we were able to comfort each other.

You know the drill, like we all do in these LDR situations. Sometimes all we can do is stay busy and try to find something fun to do. But it does get hard to do. When I get to my limit, I grab my popcorn and Coke, and have a movie marathon on Netflix, or read a good book on my NOOK. It helps, and soon he is available again.

Keep the faith, that rainbow is bound to appear one of these days.

[differentcountries]

Sharing the good stuff, sharing the bad... It is just the same as in a normal relationship. It sounds like your challenges has equally to do with his family obligations, but surely you can call him, anyway? I even tell my bf when me and my husband fight. Just be sure to tell and not dump and you will be fine. I am sure he wants to be there for you in your life 's challenges.

[OperaDiva]

you are heard piratemama. You are a kind person that helps others, but you are human (which is the best part for everybody around you because they feel your kindness, but the worst part for you because you have to deal with the down moments). It sucks having to be strong all the time and it is OK to be angry because you really have an overflowing plate right now, and it is OK to express your feelings, especially to your SO. Be selfish for a moment, it is not such a bad thing!
I know exactly what you mean when you say distance makes you feel second on the list of priorities even when it is not so. I don't want to go into detail, but the thing is, you are the only person that knows what you need from him at that moment (aside from being there) and if you don't tell him then he won't know most likely. I think part of the problem is that you did want him to stay with you, on the phone or on Skype, but you didn't want to say it. It is not selfish and needy to say that you need him that one night.
Last thing - it will get better sometimes a lot of bad things happen at the same time, and you just have to keep swimming for a little while.

[jana89]

Piratemama, in past you were very helpful to me and I´m tremendously sorry for both you are going through this and that you feel so down. My grandma has the last stage of Alzheimer, she is in this for many years, we cared for her in the beginning but then it got too much and she is in the nursing home. I just want to say I know how hard it is to see your close person going down and losing herself. I think you shouldn´t hide your true feelings from your SO, I believe he wants to know what is going on in your life and that he would be there for you. You have right to be sad and upset and angry and down in times, noone can be strong all the time. I will keep you in my prayers. Don´t lose hope that all will end well and try to be happy for little things. You aren´t alone in this

[Carol]

I am really sorry for what you are going through right now. I also understand your statement about ldr being treated differently than close relationships, that is, besides the distance, something that really sucks.

I think you should not stay back and instead, tell your SO how much you need him right now. You don't need to stop supporting him, but don't hesitate to ask him to support you, too. And share your feelings with him, without any fear, you obviously need it.

Please, try to be strong, and I will hope for better tomorrows for you.

[xanzbarr]

Piratemama, i too am sorry you're going through all this at the same time. I understand some of your plight as I too am the only caregiver for my mother with Alzheimers and it can drive you up the wall. That is a major stresser in itself without the car wreck, etc. Just know that no one can take tons of stress without feeling like their cracking to a point. You are one of the most sensible people on this forum and you have a level head on your shoulders. You'll come out on top of this. I know you will. As far as sharing with your SO, i think you should. He'd be sharing all this with you if he were here, anyway. Maybe your daughter can help you with some things, especially your mother. Keep talking to your SO, deal with the insurance when they get back to you and mentally give yourself a pat on the back for being stronger than a lot of people would be in your circumstance. Ill be praying for you and I hope you find strength and comfort in your heart.

[piratemama]

Thank you each and every one for the encouraging and kind words. It makes such a difference to know that others understand what I mean and care.

A couple of you mentioned that I should tell him that I need to talk to him or that I need to call him. It's not that easy. He is often busy and can't call, and I don't like to call him. I usually let him know via email if I need him. He'll then call when he can. Our schedules haven't meshed well this week, and this is the one week I need him the most. The other night he emailed that he was going out to dinner with a friend and would be too late getting in to call me due to our time differences. That was the night I had dealt with some bizarre behavior of my mother's, and I needed him so badly. I sat out with a glass of wine and had a good cry. The past two nights he has been out with friends or family to ballgames and was late getting in. Tonight, I grilled out and had friends over. By the time I was done, he had gone out with friends for a beer. Again, he'll be too late to call.

With my recent caregiving for my mother, I really only have two times that work well to talk with my SO - during my mother's afternoon nap and after she goes to bed each evening. It doesn't leave much room for us to talk, especially if he goes out every night.

I have planned a night out with a friend Monday. That should help my spirits, too.

Thank you each for taking the time to answer me, and thank you for lifting my spirits. It's so nice for someone to get what I mean.

[OperaDiva]

I just had a thought - if you didn't call him or tell him you needed him (and supposing he knows you are going through some problems) is it possible he assumed you need space to deal with them yourself and is keeping busy? That is the only explanation that makes sense (unless of course he is just being inconsiderate) ...

[80anthea]

I'm sorry you're going through all this, like others have said you're supportive to so many on here. I know exactly what you mean about the situation and your SO. I sometimes feel like all I'm doing is moaning to my SO about stuff. I know though that he'd actually feel worse if I bottled everything up and didn't tell him what was bothering me.

I do always make sure that he's the first to hear good news as well as bad and I tell him when I'm feeling good too.

I'm always here if you want someone else to talk to. Feel free to pm me anytime.

[piratemama]

I just had a thought - if you didn't call him or tell him you needed him (and supposing he knows you are going through some problems) is it possible he assumed you need space to deal with them yourself and is keeping busy? That is the only explanation that makes sense (unless of course he is just being inconsiderate) ...

I'm sorry you're going through all this, like others have said you're supportive to so many on here. I know exactly what you mean about the situation and your SO. I sometimes feel like all I'm doing is moaning to my SO about stuff. I know though that he'd actually feel worse if I bottled everything up and didn't tell him what was bothering me.

I do always make sure that he's the first to hear good news as well as bad and I tell him when I'm feeling good too.

I'm always here if you want someone else to talk to. Feel free to pm me anytime.

Thank you both. I appreciate your support. Things are getting heavy for me now, and I really needed the kind words shared on this thread. It's amazing how much it really helps to know someone understands and cares.

Last night, I did send an email to my SO about how things had been and how much I had needed him this week. He has emailed me back asking for a good time to Skype today. You know how easy it is to let your mind run wild with all kinds of crazy fears? I've been imagining various reasons that he's been busy every night, other than the reasonable and probable reasons he gave me. I've feared that he was out with another woman, when I know better. Those are thoughts I shouldn't even allow, but my emotions are on a rollercoaster wild ride this week. If I get to see him today, it will help.

I do keep a lot of my feelings inside, because I don't want to burden him and make him feel bad and down when he can't help the distance. I let some of that go today, though, in my email, so he will be aware.

I got a couple of calls concerning my daughters wreck. One guy is the injury adjuster, and he said the people in the other car are claiming injuries. I'm hoping and praying they won't go over what my insurance has. If I get sued, that judgment would follow me. I wonder how my SO would feel about that. Here I am with all negatives and no positives to add for him: a teenage daughter, some credit issues already with my divorce, a sick mother who may have Alzheimer's, and no job. Hopefully, the job thing will change. I have the full day of testing Tuesday, and I'm nervous and tense about that, too.

My cousin shared a beautiful thought with me that some of you might appreciate, and I'm hanging to it for hope. She said life is like a clock, and we are the hands. Sometimes you are at the bottom of the clock at 6, but you will move again to the top. Just wait.

[itsjen516]

Though a very different situation I get how you feel. I to feel I'm stressing my SO. I been going through a lot and I come to him but j feel I'm making him crazy. Actually tonight we planned to talk about this :/ yay fun lol.
I hope it gets better for you and km sorry about your mom

[piratemama]

Though a very different situation I get how you feel. I to feel I'm stressing my SO. I been going through a lot and I come to him but j feel I'm making him crazy. Actually tonight we planned to talk about this :/ yay fun lol.
I hope it gets better for you and km sorry about your mom

I'm sorry you are going through this. Hope the talk tonight goes well. Remember, guys don't respond well to the emotional and frantic talking we girls tend to do, but he will want to help. He cares for you, so just be calm when sharing how you are feeling. Tell him clearly how he can help you. Good luck.