Should I end my LDR?

[msnew007]

I've been in an LDR for 6 months now. Long story short when we first began talking he told me that he was open to marriage, then just two weeks ago he told me that marriages don't work and they always end in divorce. I don't know if I'm being too pushy about marriage since it's only been 6 months, or if I should end things because of the new revelations. LDR history; he is in Michigan and I'm in California. He has visited me 3 times (2 times were worked related, once was a personal visit) and I have visited him twice. Last I saw him was 20 days ago, and he is having some personal difficulties right now. He just sold his new home and is living with his brother for the time being, and there are rumors of a layoff at work in which he thinks he will be affected. Please let me know your thoughts?

[snow]

Did he say he doesn't want to marry you or just that marriages generally don't work out?

I know that a lot of marriages don't work and some result in divorces - I have seen it within my family, where all of those who have gotten married, have gotten divorced, but I still want to get married to my fiancé.

I think there is a difference and you should find out if this way of thinking about things means that he never wants to get married to you.

[Luc]

In my opinion, you are indeed too pushy about marriage. 6 months really isn't a long time. Why the rush? Your SO might be open to marriage but if my girlfriend of 6 months kept bringing it up ever so often it would really turn me away from marriage.

And do you really want to break up already over something like this? If you already consider giving up now, then how can you expect a marriage would ever work out? It would indeed almost certainly end up in divorce.

Get to know each other better, work on your relationship, take it slow and easy and see where it goes. There really is no rush.

Maybe this is just the man in me speaking but; what is so special about marriage anyway? It's just a piece of paper that says you're together. I don't need a piece of paper to know my love for my SO is real.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I've been in an LDR for 6 months now. Long story short when we first began talking he told me that he was open to marriage, then just two weeks ago he told me that marriages don't work and they always end in divorce.

Did he say that as part of general conversation about marriage/the world today, or was it like.. you asked about him marrying you and he said that?

I don't know if I'm being too pushy about marriage since it's only been 6 months, or if I should end things because of the new revelations.

Personally, I do think that it's a little much to be pushing about marriage after only 6 months in most cases. There's a lot of pressure in our society to view every relationship as possibly The Relationship that will lead to marriage, but it puts a lot of pressure on the people and the relationship.

Why are you already so insistent on marriage to this guy? Are you sure he's The One, or are you possibly feeling the nervousness of getting a little older and not being married yet?

Of course some people can know they want to get married to a person quickly after starting to date, but sometimes I think it's less about the person they're with specifically, and more about the fact that they think they've locked in someone who might want to get married.

I've seen/heard both sides of it. My parents dated for 6 weeks before they got engaged.. Married a year later, first kid another year later, together for 17 years. My older brother and his wife dated for 6 years, got engaged, and got married 7 years after that. (Still together.) But in both of those cases, it was doing what worked for the situation, not going with pressure to do something by a certain timeframe, or whatnot.

he is having some personal difficulties right now. He just sold his new home and is living with his brother for the time being, and there are rumors of a layoff at work in which he thinks he will be affected. Please let me know your thoughts?

With that much already going on, the last thing I'd suggest doing is being pushy about your relationship/his views on marriage, etc. He's probably stressed, he's probably not in the most positive of mindsets. If it were me, I'd want our relationship to be the thing in his life that isn't causing him more worry right now.. the thing he can turn to for distraction and enjoyment and support.

That said, if you really are insistent on getting married, and you believe he honestly doesn't ever want to, then there wouldn't really be much point in continuing the relationship if you both want such different things. (Unless of course you're willing to just enjoy the relationship for what it is, knowing the no-marriage possibility. Some people are fine enjoying things for awhile, letting them run their course, etc. Others feel the need to cut it off when there's an irreconcilable difference. It's just how you personally view things and are happiest.)

But yeah, without knowing more about the context of the conversation where he said marriage doesn't work, I don't have solid advice. A lot of marriages don't work. There IS a lot of divorce. But if he didn't say that marriages don't work, so there's no way he'd get married, it could have been a general comment. Sometimes people say things like "marriages don't work" and mean "marriages don't work, except for mine."

So yeah.. personally I'm thinking it's not worth breaking up over, but I don't know you or your SO or even have a whole lot to go on. What I do have to go on makes me conclude no on ending.

2 cents.

[Ahava]

This is oh so close to home. We are in a similar setting, marriage is important to me and he doesn't want to get married.
In my case I want THIS guy more than the piece of paper, so I'm open to see where life leads us and what solutions/compromise we can find.
I think the fact that I have already once been married (and divorced) helps me in this situation. As if it was the first time round I might think differently.

[nottheprincesspeach]

Let me pull from my personal experience. When I started dating my current SO, I was open to the idea of having kids. As time has gone on for a variety of reasons, I have become less and less open to the idea of having kids. I would now even consider myself someone who could very easily never have kids. My position has changed. I have of course discussed this with my SO. No, this may not be what your SO is going through, or he may have just been telling you early on what you wanted to hear, or he may just be having a rough time causing him to be negative. Basically you won't know until you discuss it with him. However I recommend talking about his openness to marriage more so than his openness to marrying you. 6 months isn't a long time. Basically what I am saying, is unless he tells you that he's changed his mind on marriage, then you don't need to try and end it.

[Jaac]

I think lots of things can change in time.
To break up your relationship after 6 months because your SO says he's not open to marriage.
He might think like that because right now he is not ready in any way. Lots of things are going on in his life and the idea might just not fit into his plans NOW.

What would you do if you were in a CD relationship? Would you end it after half a year because your SO says he wasn't open to marriage?

Just give it some time. Give him some time to get through this stressful period of his life and give your relationship some time to grow.
Marriage is something to talk about in the future

[squeeker]

I remember a similar thing when I started talking to my boyfriend, we talked about the idea of marriage before we got together (though at that time, it wasn't saying that WE should get married but in general, our views) and we both agreed that marriage is for life. But I remember as I talked more to my boyfriend, my views of marriage and his collided. Because I always saw marriage as the ultimate commitment, my parents were together and although I have some aunts who got divorced once, but for the most part, I saw marriages working out. But my boyfriend's parents were divorced as well as many others in his family, and so I realized from that that I couldn't say marriage was the ultimate commitment... but it was more important that the two people were committed to each other, than the paper (marriage) that represented it. Marriage is a nice way of showing that commitment to people but it's not going to stop someone from leaving.

Seeing that marriages often don't work out and end in divorce can actually be a good thing, because it means he takes marriage seriously, so he is not going to get married to you until (if it's meant to be) he comes to the decision that he wants to be with you forever. But you should talk to him to clarify that he meant in general... and ask if he ever could see himself marrying someone but he is just going to be careful about who he marries because he only wants to get married once.

I think also that he might be getting worried because you say he has been having some personal problems.. so he probably wants to work on them and get into a better state financially and everything else, before he marries you.

Also 6 months is not that long, and although you are older and maybe know more of what you want, but at the same time you have to spend enough time with each other to know that they fit that criteria.. you should be patient.. to minimize the likelihood of divorce, you need to see if this is someone that you will stick by, through everything. Someone who you can talk to about everything and who you will listen to. Someone who you respect and who respects you. And you will have a better idea about this the longer you are together.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you two.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Six months may or may not be too soon to talk about marriage, but don't push the issue if he is reluctant. Get to know each other better. Enjoy your relationship as it is. And certainly be more understanding if he is having difficulties with his job, living with relatives, etc. He is in no shape to think of marriage. Let him get his life in order, on his own footing, before you think of getting married.

[curious_gal518]

I agree, 6 months may be too soon to talk about marriage. Talks about the future may be wishy-washy at this point.

Maybe, at this point, the best you could do is to support him if he is having problems with family and his job. If you feel like that after his ordeals that he isn't giving you the proper support that you need or that he isn't willing to compromise about what you need, then that's the time the time that you should end an ldr.

That's my 2 cents.

[piratemama]

I think lots of things can change in time.
To break up your relationship after 6 months because your SO says he's not open to marriage.
He might think like that because right now he is not ready in any way. Lots of things are going on in his life and the idea might just not fit into his plans NOW.

What would you do if you were in a CD relationship? Would you end it after half a year because your SO says he wasn't open to marriage?

Just give it some time. Give him some time to get through this stressful period of his life and give your relationship some time to grow.
Marriage is something to talk about in the future

I agree.

[xanzbarr]

I agree.

I agree also. The idea you want to marry someone takes time!

[Zapookie]

I was in the same situation. About 6 months after we first started seriously talking, he told me he doesn't believe in marriage and never has. I had the same thoughts as you, but I loved him and was willing to be with him even without marriage. It's been 3 years now and we are engaged, so I guess you just have to give it more time. 6 months isn't enough time (for most people) to figure out whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.

[youngisthan]

I think you both should meet and have a discussion on it, communication is the best way to solve every problem.

[msnew007]

There is more to my story, and why I think I should end my LDR. This may be long, please bare with me.
I visited him 24 days ago. I found a long blond hair in his bed, and I'm brunette.
Then I found maternity and baby clothes in his closet. They were covered up, and being hidden.

I was very upset and under a lot of distress. When I confronted him about the hair, he said it's nothing...it's my sisters or cousins. He acted like it was nothing.
Then when I asked him about the maternity and baby clothes he said they belonged to his cousin that had stayed there a couple of times because her boyfriend kicked her out, and she had know where to go.

I never heard of this pregnant cousin until my visit and I didn't know she was staying the night.

I'm starting to wonder if he is living a second life?
We do txt throughout the day and at night for the most part.
We agreed we would skype one a week and we haven't, because he says he is busy.

What are your thoughts?