Guilt

[BraveTangledPrincess]

Let me start off with saying that this forum has helped me out SOOO much.

Anyways, I have off and on days with my SO. Some days I just want to spend all eternity with him, but some days I wonder if it's worth it.

My thing right now is that I have the opportunity to see him in August and I was talking to my mom about it. I feel like she's not super keen on the relationship, but I feel she's just being overly protective. one of her worries caught me funny tonight, because I'm already stressed about other things. His parents are VERY dependent on him. He is the bread winner in the family and I have known for a long time. I really want him to move here, but I keep being told that his dad would NEVER move to Arizona. I know that even if I lived there, I would be pulling him away from his parents. I know that it would happen for him eventually, but I feel guilty about it. I'm not that kind of person to say he can't ever see them again or keep him totally to myself, but I don't want to be the one who pulls him away. I feel like I'm the rope in a tug of war game, though Im not enjoying it.

Do you ever feel guilty or feel like they deserve someone who is closer?

[squeeker]

Well I don't really feel guilty or that he deserves someone closer. Well maybe I have in the past though, actually, now I don't want to think about him with anyone else so I don't let myself think that. I think maybe sometimes I feel guilty still.

But in some ways I identify a lot with what you say. Because my boyfriend currently relies a lot on his dad, and his dad relies a lot on him, they are very connected both financially and also being really their only family members that they can talk to left. Because of stupid selfish things that went on in their family, with broken relationships and marriages and greed among other things. Anyways.. among other things. I am not going to get into all that because that is not the issue here.

I just want to say... I think it's good that you are thinking of these things, and I think it's good you don't want to push him away from them. But also remember that kids are supposed to grow up and become more independent and move out and/or in with their partner.. eventually. It's good that even if you move there or he moves to you, either way, to encourage him to contact his parents a lot and visit as much as you can, and keep connected. And take your time.. as you both get older, it might be easier to make that next step and move together.. also once you two are more financially secure, he should be able to help his parents a bit as well as having enough for you two. But take your time with things and it is definitely a good idea to not stress their relationship because you don't want to be responsible for his family drifting apart. But you can make it work.. just give it patience and give him enough time to feel ready about it.. and stuff. I don't know..

I don't know if what I'm saying helped at all but I just wanted to respond to make sure you didn't feel alone or like you are bad for feeling guilty or anything. I think it shows you care a lot about your SO and his relationship with his family and that is a good thing. But also remember that your SO is in a relationship with you, and you love him and want him to have what he deserves, but if he wants to be in a relationship with you, he deserves you, so don't worry about that either. stay strong!

[Moon]

No, I never feel guilty or feel like he "deserves" someone closer. I'm in a similar situation, but one that's also international, which adds even more difficulty. My boyfriend's mother is an elderly woman, not in the best of health, and he's an only child, and all she has. He obviously can't move to me, I'd never expect him to abandon his mother, and if he did, I don't think I'd view him in the same way. She needs his help, they don't live together, but are only about a half hour apart.

I have an adult daughter, and quite frankly, moving to Finland is simply further away from her than I ever want to be. Even if I did, I don't speak Finnish, and will never speak it well enough to be employable there, nor an I educated enough in a country full of people benefiting from free education.

There is no answer to our dilemma at the moment, and won't be in the foreseeable future.

For you though, what's stopping you from moving? Is there any real reason (besides missing people) that you can't? At least he can't be the breadwinner forever, right? Unless his parents are disabled in some way, they really need to find better employment and not depend on their children needlessly. That might take time though, and if you can't wait, then you'll have to either move to PA, wait it out, or go your separate ways.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Let me start off with saying that this forum has helped me out SOOO much.

Anyways, I have off and on days with my SO. Some days I just want to spend all eternity with him, but some days I wonder if it's worth it.

My thing right now is that I have the opportunity to see him in August and I was talking to my mom about it. I feel like she's not super keen on the relationship, but I feel she's just being overly protective. one of her worries caught me funny tonight, because I'm already stressed about other things. His parents are VERY dependent on him. He is the bread winner in the family and I have known for a long time. I really want him to move here, but I keep being told that his dad would NEVER move to Arizona. I know that even if I lived there, I would be pulling him away from his parents. I know that it would happen for him eventually, but I feel guilty about it. I'm not that kind of person to say he can't ever see them again or keep him totally to myself, but I don't want to be the one who pulls him away. I feel like I'm the rope in a tug of war game, though Im not enjoying it.

Do you ever feel guilty or feel like they deserve someone who is closer?

But YOU are in the US! Both of you are in the same country! It really wouldn't be that hard to visit families, whether you move there, or he moves where you are! Maybe you should be the one to move, since his parents need him, and for whatever reason can't or won't move away. Or maybe you could both move to someplace in the middle, and be close to both families.
But if you move to be with him, don't feel guilty about pulling him away from his parents a bit, if you live in the same town. Just be sure you two find your own place, and don't move in with his parents. That usually doesn't work, as I know by experience.

[lyonsgirl]

To the OP: What's stopping you from moving to him?

In response to AussieAmericanGirl: our families all live in the same country. I understand that while we don't have to get visas to see our families, we only see our parents once a year - if that. It always sounds like it will be easy to visit, but the real world (aka work) doesn't allow us extended periods of time away. My point is: yes, it may be "easier", but it's not always as feasible as it seems.

[Moon]

To the OP: What's stopping you from moving to him?

In response to AussieAmericanGirl: our families all live in the same country. I understand that while we don't have to get visas to see our families, we only see our parents once a year - if that. It always sounds like it will be easy to visit, but the real world (aka work) doesn't allow us extended periods of time away. My point is: yes, it may be "easier", but it's not always as feasible as it seems.

Totally agree. The US is a damn big country, and getting the time and money to go from place to place can be just as daunting as traveling internationally.

[lucybelle]

Totally agree. The US is a damn big country, and getting the time and money to go from place to place can be just as daunting as traveling internationally.

Yup. There are some international couples who are actually closer together than some LDR couples in the USA.

[Dziubka]

Yup. There are some international couples who are actually closer together than some LDR couples in the USA.

[Moon]

lol!!! (extra exclamation points added for 6 character requirement )

[differentcountries]

I sometimes worry about potentionally taking SO away from his environment if we close the distance by him moving to my country or even now that we will share a flat part time in his. I think we are in it a bit head over heals and need to "slow down the car" as he puts it. I do feel guilty that he is taking steps and considering sacrifices for our sake, but he is a grown man and he wants this relationship too, and I guess if I give him more than I take it is good in the end.

You could do a brainstorming together with pros and cons for where to move, jobs and so on. Perhaps you can come up with a good idea?

[Dziubka]

Also to go completely off topic - or wait, it's not that off topic at all:

My in-laws live in another country and we see them more often than my parents who live in the same country.

I think it's natural for children to move away from their parents eventually. When it first became obvious that we were going to live in my country I was a bit worried how my SO would feel about it. We met in his country and I speak both languages (while he had to learn mine) and while I moved abroad for the first time at 19, he has never had a big desire to live somewhere else than his home city (before he met me that is ). So I first thought that he might not be happy or resent me for it.
BUT: We made this decision together. We weighed the pros and cons and considered what made more sense for us and went for that.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I hope I didn't offend anyone, as that was not my intention at all. I know it isn't always easy to see family, even in the same country. My children are scattered, Nevada, Virginia, Pennsylvania, and then one in Arkansas, in the same town I'm in. I don't see them often, but I've done a lot of flying since I moved from VA to AR, for family emergencies (death of my sister, and both of my parents) and a family wedding. I am retired, too, so of course that does free up my time. And I can see how work schedules and finances might not always allow visiting as often as you would like.

Anyway, my main point was that there are ways to work things out to be close to both families, but it would also depend on how dependent your SO's parents are. If he's just helping out with finances, then he wouldn't necessarily have to stay there, but if they are disabled and need care-giving assistance, that might be a reason he would need to stay close to them. In which case, moving to his town would make more sense. At any rate, those are all things you two will need to figure out together, but you certainly don't need to feel guilty about anything.

[BraveTangledPrincess]

His dad is on disability and has back problems, but my SO pretty much pays everything. It might as well be his place. They hate where they are right now anyways and want to move.

My problem is that my mom is very dependent on me too and she is going to be a grandma for the first time in October. I can't take her away from that, but at the same time, I can't leave her because no one else will take care of her.

[BraveTangledPrincess]

And because he pays all the bills, getting time off is hard and I don't have a good enough job to buy tickets out there. It's hard for an EMT and a Swim teacher to fly back and forth.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

His dad is on disability and has back problems, but my SO pretty much pays everything. It might as well be his place. They hate where they are right now anyways and want to move.

My problem is that my mom is very dependent on me too and she is going to be a grandma for the first time in October. I can't take her away from that, but at the same time, I can't leave her because no one else will take care of her.

It looks like you two will be in a long-term LDR, unless you can figure out a way to compromise so both families will be taken care of.