Give distance a try or break up (and if so, when)?
Let me preface this post by saying that I've been in a long distance relationship before. I started dating my first serious boyfriend in high school at age 15 and we continued dating when we chose different colleges in MD and DE. We broke up when we were 20, halfway through our junior year, 4-6 months after he suggested we take a break. After 4-6 months of that break (my memory is hazy two years later) I had seen a handful of other people and couldn't imagine going back to being "settled" with him even though I loved him. I needed some crazy college years. I would never regret the time that I spent with him, but I do regret how being in that relationship held me back socially in college. I feel like I missed out on a lot and was not completely present until my senior year.
Turns out I'm a bit of a serial dater. I accidentally dated a guy (long story, the moral being that you shouldn't be convinced to date someone) during that break period and that relationship ended before my senior year began. By September of my senior year, I was dating someone else that I'm still with today despite a break up last March. This is the relationship I want to focus on in this post. To clarify, I met this guy in August of 2013, started dating him in September, broke up in March, started hooking up again 2 weeks later (hey, it was college, I couldn't avoid him because we were in the same group of friends, and he lived down the street), and then more or less dated long distance all summer but weren't officially back together until this past fall.
About the current long-distance situation: I live north of Baltimore and he lives about an hour and a half away in PA. Not that bad, you say, and you would be right, especially because we have friends we could visit frequently at a halfway point, except that he has strict Indian parents who don't let him out of the house often. Yes, he's 23 - almost 24. If he doesn't listen to them, his dad will kick him out, which he can't afford even though he has two good part time jobs. His family is important to him, so he would never let it get to that point anyway. I also live with my parents but I have a lot more freedom. I work full time and am moving out this summer.
Since starting a LDR after graduating in May, we have seen each other about once a month. We text all the time and Skype occasionally. Usually we see each other when he can lie about what he's doing and visit my house for a few hours or visit our friends and stay the night. I have visited him at his house twice, but because his parents don't know about me I've only been able to do that when they're away. Considering the situation, I'd say that our LDR is going pretty well. We miss each other, but we deal with it well.
Here's the tough part: he and his family are moving to California at the end of June. This move is a great opportunity for him to start getting his dream job. We talk about his job search but avoid discussing what's going to happen to us. The last time we talked about it is when I brought it up back in January. I told him that I didn't think I'd be able to date someone that far away and he said that he loves me, I'm important to him, and he wants to talk about it more before he leaves. He hasn't brought it up since and I try not to because I figure that conversation leads to me breaking up with him. I want to take advantage of the time we have left together but I don't want to wait too long because I'm never sure when I'm going to see him. If I wait, maybe he'll assume we're still going to date when he moves and I'll have to break up with him over Skype or something worse.
If everything goes as planned, we have a perfect visit set up next weekend: he visits my city to shadow a job, gets lunch with me, spends the night at my house when everyone else is away, we hang out with friends the next day and go to a friend's birthday party, he spends the night there, too. I don't remember the last time I spent two nights in a row with him so I'm very excited but trying not to count my eggs before they hatch. His parents and bad weather have ruined plans at the last minute before.
Is this the right time to break up or should I wait and see if we can see each other one more time before the end of June? It's possible that we could get one more visit in but I'm not sure that I should count on it. I don't really want to ruin a perfect weekend, but we'll also have more time and privacy than we usually do to talk it out, cry, etc. We still have about 2 months and I've seen him once a month on average.
To give you all more context, I've copied my reasoning for breaking up from a Word doc...I only made edits to explain things.
Break up sooner rather than later because:
On the other hand, waiting until June to break up means I'll be distracted by moving and will be immediately surrounded by friends to support me.
Any advice? (Edited) Sorry if I sound jaded about LDRs. I don't want to offend you all when I say they're "miserable and don't work" - I just didn't want to change what I wrote for sincerity. I respect everyone that does it, but my experience with them has been difficult and ultimately unsuccessful.
(edited) After rereading this it definitely sounds like I've made up my mind and it's more a question of when to break up, not if we should. I'm worried that I won't be able to stick to my reasons and that I'll agree to a LDR because I love him and I'm a romantic, chronic date-r. I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong decision no matter which choice I make. I know I need to learn to be independent, though.
It's also semi-important to note that his British-Indian Muslim parents (who, again, don't know that he's dating anyone, let alone a white girl with a Catholic family) are currently setting his older brother up with a suitable young woman. I'm pretty sure they're going to try to "arrange marry" my boyfriend to an Indian girl in a few years and I don't want to deal with that if they still don't know about me at that point.
If I DID agree to date him LD it would be under the condition that he tells his parents about me.
Turns out I'm a bit of a serial dater. I accidentally dated a guy (long story, the moral being that you shouldn't be convinced to date someone) during that break period and that relationship ended before my senior year began. By September of my senior year, I was dating someone else that I'm still with today despite a break up last March. This is the relationship I want to focus on in this post. To clarify, I met this guy in August of 2013, started dating him in September, broke up in March, started hooking up again 2 weeks later (hey, it was college, I couldn't avoid him because we were in the same group of friends, and he lived down the street), and then more or less dated long distance all summer but weren't officially back together until this past fall.
About the current long-distance situation: I live north of Baltimore and he lives about an hour and a half away in PA. Not that bad, you say, and you would be right, especially because we have friends we could visit frequently at a halfway point, except that he has strict Indian parents who don't let him out of the house often. Yes, he's 23 - almost 24. If he doesn't listen to them, his dad will kick him out, which he can't afford even though he has two good part time jobs. His family is important to him, so he would never let it get to that point anyway. I also live with my parents but I have a lot more freedom. I work full time and am moving out this summer.
Since starting a LDR after graduating in May, we have seen each other about once a month. We text all the time and Skype occasionally. Usually we see each other when he can lie about what he's doing and visit my house for a few hours or visit our friends and stay the night. I have visited him at his house twice, but because his parents don't know about me I've only been able to do that when they're away. Considering the situation, I'd say that our LDR is going pretty well. We miss each other, but we deal with it well.
Here's the tough part: he and his family are moving to California at the end of June. This move is a great opportunity for him to start getting his dream job. We talk about his job search but avoid discussing what's going to happen to us. The last time we talked about it is when I brought it up back in January. I told him that I didn't think I'd be able to date someone that far away and he said that he loves me, I'm important to him, and he wants to talk about it more before he leaves. He hasn't brought it up since and I try not to because I figure that conversation leads to me breaking up with him. I want to take advantage of the time we have left together but I don't want to wait too long because I'm never sure when I'm going to see him. If I wait, maybe he'll assume we're still going to date when he moves and I'll have to break up with him over Skype or something worse.
If everything goes as planned, we have a perfect visit set up next weekend: he visits my city to shadow a job, gets lunch with me, spends the night at my house when everyone else is away, we hang out with friends the next day and go to a friend's birthday party, he spends the night there, too. I don't remember the last time I spent two nights in a row with him so I'm very excited but trying not to count my eggs before they hatch. His parents and bad weather have ruined plans at the last minute before.
Is this the right time to break up or should I wait and see if we can see each other one more time before the end of June? It's possible that we could get one more visit in but I'm not sure that I should count on it. I don't really want to ruin a perfect weekend, but we'll also have more time and privacy than we usually do to talk it out, cry, etc. We still have about 2 months and I've seen him once a month on average.
To give you all more context, I've copied my reasoning for breaking up from a Word doc...I only made edits to explain things.
- I've done (a LDR) before, I said I'd never do it again because it's miserable and doesn't work
- PA/MD is hard enough. I tried to end (this relationship) in the summer out of LDR frustration. California would be much worse.
- We're still regaining the trust for a normal relationship. Definitely not enough for LD. (We both broke each other's trust, hence the break up last March. It takes a long time to get it back to normal and we're doing well but we still have issues very occasionally and those would be magnified by a LDR)
- Sometimes I'm a needy, jealous, insecure person. too much to handle LD, probably annoying
- You need end goals to make a LDR successful. I don't see a viable future with you. Your parents don't
know about me, I have to go to grad school possibly anywhere, you might get settled in CA - Too early for a serious relationship, we should be seeing other people at 22/23
- Very little chance of visiting because of money
- I'd rather end it amicably here than fight from thousands of miles away
Break up sooner rather than later because:
- Less time to get even more attached to you
- More time to adjust before the move
On the other hand, waiting until June to break up means I'll be distracted by moving and will be immediately surrounded by friends to support me.
(edited) After rereading this it definitely sounds like I've made up my mind and it's more a question of when to break up, not if we should. I'm worried that I won't be able to stick to my reasons and that I'll agree to a LDR because I love him and I'm a romantic, chronic date-r. I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong decision no matter which choice I make. I know I need to learn to be independent, though.
It's also semi-important to note that his British-Indian Muslim parents (who, again, don't know that he's dating anyone, let alone a white girl with a Catholic family) are currently setting his older brother up with a suitable young woman. I'm pretty sure they're going to try to "arrange marry" my boyfriend to an Indian girl in a few years and I don't want to deal with that if they still don't know about me at that point.
If I DID agree to date him LD it would be under the condition that he tells his parents about me.
). I really wish you the best. Keep following your goals and focus on getting your master's if that's what you want! Good luck to you!
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