We're getting married...problem?!

[bethyylovee]

Whether or not you agree with marriage, that's your own personal opinion. I believe everyone should have the right to live their life the way they want to. However, I get really very angry when someone puts me down and tries to tell me why I'm "wrong" in getting married. Today, an old coworker of mine called me and we got on to the topic of my wedding set for this October. She proceeded to tell me all of the reasons why I'm making a bad decision and how it's "not too late to call it off."

Here are her reasons:

1) You're throwing away your life. Once you're married you will never be able to set personal goals again and will lose your independence.

2) Marriage ruins "90% of relationships."

3) You won't be able to decorate your house the way suits your own likes.

4) Anyone who gets married is insecure and childish in thinking that marriage will make them happy. You'll miss out on serial dating and the beauty in one night stands.

5) When he cheats, it won't be so easy to walk away from the relationship.

Here's my rebuttal:

1) On the contrary, it IS very possible to have your own set of personal goals, as well as goals for your relationship and execute all of them just fine. If you're with the right person, they should care just as much about your wants and desires as much as their own, and allow you to fulfill them. It shouldn't strain the relationship, it should make it stronger. I've seen this with my parents, and grandparents and they're all doing just fine.

2) I don't know where that number came from, but it's absolutely false. 40%-50% of marriages end in divorce, that is true. However, that still means that 50%-60% stay together, which is fine with me. We took a lot into consideration before we set our wedding date. There are so many things that go into marriage that I feel like sometimes a lot of people over-look. They way two people overcome fights and disagreements. The way you solve problems (financial, moral, etc.) together so that it doesn't put a strain on the relationship. I do believe that people get married for the wrong reasons sometimes, and don't think about the cons of marriage as much as they're thinking about the pros. I know people hate it when I say this but divorce isn't an option for us. We're committing ourselves to each other. We're saying our vows to each other in the sight of everyone we love, as well as God. For better, for worse. 'Till death do us part.

3) Really? She thinks I'm going to not get married because I won't be able to decorate my house with pink flowers everywhere? That's not even a good argument. We've already started buying decorations for the house, and Stephen is A-OK with all of my choices. And he can decorate just as much with his things. We'll have his basses and guitars hanging on the wall, along with all of my Disney barbies and collectibles. It's all about compromise, and if you're not willing to do it, someone will get the short end of the stick. And that's just not okay with me. I want Stephen to have just as much say in things as I do.

4) This is what really got to me. I'm not insecure OR childish because I want to get married. It's quite opposite, actually. I'm getting married because I'm secure enough with myself to want to share my life with someone else. I love myself enough to say hey, come see me at my absolute worst, not just how I am when we go on dates. And I'm mature enough to commit myself to one person. I don't feel afraid that I'll miss out on anything, and I don't feel upset that I won't get to have one night stands. That lifestyle has never been me. We've been saving ourselves for marriage, and that's just fine with us.

5) This is always been the area that people disagree with me most. I can say with 100% certainty that cheating will never be an issue in our relationship. We both put God first in our lives, and aren't going to throw that down the drain for a hook-up. Stephen is very adamant about this issue, as am I. I know people will say "never say never," but I'm going to say it. Never. We've got our parents as two amazing examples of Godly unions. We know temptations will be there, but acknowledging them an acting on the are different things.

I didn't mean for this to sound like I'm putting down anyone who doesn't believe in marriage, or anyone who has had a divorce. It's just that this conversation just irritated the crap out of me, and I needed to vent. I will never understand the idea of telling someone else that their decisions are wrong.

[snow]

I think this should have been posted as a blog, rather than a new thread.

Other than that I'll throw in some of my cents since I will be getting married soon as well:

1) You're throwing away your life. Once you're married you will never be able to set personal goals again and will lose your independence.
I think for some people this could even be true. I know that all the females in my family, who are married, stopped going for their goals and in fact lost their independence. It's sad, but it happens, so I can see where she is coming from. If you however find someone who is going to support your ideas and dreams it can actually help get the ball rolling. I know once my man starts chasing his dreams I will be the one to support us and he would not be able to do this, if we were not married.

2) Marriage ruins "90% of relationships."
Again - my big sister, my mom and my dad were divorced before they married again. So I can understand that she has a negative stance at this. If I was going by my family alone it would even be almost right. Out of the 3 people who are married, 3 have been divorced, that makes it a 100% chance of destroying a relationship. If she had this luck in her family life or with friends, I can understand why she would think this way.
Then again: On my man's side of the family only his dad got divorced. Two of his sisters are happily married and I take them as an example of a good, happy marriage. I hope we follow their footsteps, because I want to believe that our relationship is strong and will endure what we will face.

3) You won't be able to decorate your house the way suits your own likes.
This actually makes me smile. My parents never agree on how to decorate a room! It is mostly my mom who makes the choices and my dad just says she can do what she wants.

4) Anyone who gets married is insecure and childish in thinking that marriage will make them happy. You'll miss out on serial dating and the beauty in one night stands.
This is again a personal decision. Some people want to find their partner and wait with having sex until marriage and are perfectly happy with themselves, some want to explore their sexuality and are perfectly happy doing this. There is nothing wrong with this. I was worried my man would feel like he missed out on things, because I am the only woman in his life, but he assured me that this is how he always wanted his life to be. So let her live her life the way she wants to live it and do what you think is right, for yourself.

5) When he cheats, it won't be so easy to walk away from the relationship.
I keep thinking about this everyday. That is how happy I am that I don't have to worry about him cheating on me. So I just ignore comments like these.

I think she is either bitter, doesn't believe in marriage or is worried about you. You are very young and she might just be looking out for you. I would take all these statements with a grain of salt.

[silvermoonfairy3]

That's super frustrating, and you can always come vent here, but I think you should just try to "shrug it off" with her so that she doesn't keep at it. Something like, "Thanks for explaining your point of view" and changing the topic clearly shows that you disagree but that you aren't inviting her opinion into your relationship or your decision on marriage.

Do all your friends feel the way she does? Does your family support you? It's frustrating to deal with this friend, but hopefully she's in the minority.

In this day and age, 21 is pretty young to be getting married, though it didn't used to be even a generation or two ago. It sounds like you and your SO have discussed a lot of the important things about making the decision to get married, and that's a huge help.
However, and I don't want this at ALL to sound like I'm agreeing with her, because I don't.. is getting married the first time you'll be CD?
Did you guys give any thought to living together or trying things CD for awhile before marriage?

I'm just asking because it's a big leap from LD to marriage with no CD in between.
A buddy of mine was dating a girl LD for over 2 years and asked her to move in. They were head over heels, already hearing wedding bells. She moved in with him, and it almost immediately was just not what they were expecting despite their discussions, their understandings, the ways they knew each other/thought they knew each other. They lived together for almost 2 years with things a bit uncomfortable and both knowing it wasn't working before either of them would admit it.

Not saying that that's how your situation would go, just wondering if there's a reason for LD right to marriage, or if there will be CD in between, etc.

[bethyylovee]

I think she is either bitter, doesn't believe in marriage or is worried about you.

She is bitter. She was set to be married in 2008, when her fiance of eight years called off the wedding. She's never dated, or even considered marriage as an option since then. They only knew each other for five weeks when she asked him if he would marry her. He said yes, and then eight years later met someone else and called off the wedding before money had been spent on it. I don't know any other details, only bits of the story that she'd talk about at work.

[lyonsgirl]

I also think this would be better suited as a blog, but... hey, what do I know.

Sometimes people who give me marriage advice drive me bonkers. Sometimes people will tell me "<this thing> always/never happens once you get married", and I just laugh, because what they have just told me is completely untrue.

IMO, marriage doesn't change the relationship.

[bethyylovee]

Does your family support you?

Yes! My family loves Stephen and when he asked for their blessing they were elated!

In this day and age, 21 is pretty young to be getting married

Yes, I do agree with this! However, Stephen is turning 27 this year, and he would like to be a father at least by the time he's 30 or so, which is perfectly fine with me!

Did you guys give any thought to living together or trying things CD for awhile before marriage?

We have discussed this at length! The most time we've spent "living" together was when he came to visit and stayed with us for about three months. Not the same as living together alone, but it does help a lot to see what it's like beforehand. We know it will be a big adjustment, and we're willing to adjust together to make sure it's smooth sailing.

[nicole]

That room decorating argument made me choke on my tea- that's hilarious! Well, my SO and I disagree on whether to keep the black wall in our new house... we shouldn't have got married obviously

Honestly, I can see why people have their doubts about marriage, and whilst we live in a "everybody has a right to their own opinion" world, it was kind of rude for someone you don't have very strong ties to to start trying to change your mind. Fair enough if its your family or a close friend and they see a train-wreck on the horizon, but an old co-worker? Mind your own business!

[bethyylovee]

Fair enough if its your family or a close friend and they see a train-wreck on the horizon, but an old co-worker? Mind your own business!

Yes! Exactly.

[Moon]

5) This is always been the area that people disagree with me most. I can say with 100% certainty that cheating will never be an issue in our relationship.

Actually, that's a bit naive, nobody can tell the future with 100% certainty, things change more than you can imagine over the years, though I still can't imagine why someone would talk about someone they never met, cheating

I'm not sure why you're letting something an ex-coworker said bother you so much, you know her story, of course she's going to be nothing but negative and bitter to anyone getting married. So what if she's anti-marriage, what does that have to do with you? You know how she feels, and why, so it's probably best to just not speak with her anymore. You have too many other things to worry about in life to get upset over some bitter hag, just let it go and be grateful you aren't her. Personally, I would have told her that I'm not interested in hearing anymore, and I would have hung up the phone.

[80anthea]

You'll always come across these type of people, marriage is one areas where people like to spout 'advice' but I hate to tell you.......when you have kids it'll be a hundred times worse. Pregnancy and babies seem to give people the green light to talk whatever crap they like to you.

The Buddhist leader where I go to meditation is fond of a little phrase when trying to think about other people's behaviour, he reminds himself "everyone is just trying to be happy". People make choices about what they say a lot of the time based on their own selfishness. For whatever reason this woman gets joy or pleasure from saying this. Maybe she thinks she's genuinely helping, maybe she just wants everyone to feel like she does. You'll never know her reasons for saying it unless you explicitly ask her. At the end of the day though, does it matter what she thinks? Be confident in the choices you make!

[snow]

She is bitter. She was set to be married in 2008, when her fiance of eight years called off the wedding. She's never dated, or even considered marriage as an option since then. They only knew each other for five weeks when she asked him if he would marry her. He said yes, and then eight years later met someone else and called off the wedding before money had been spent on it. I don't know any other details, only bits of the story that she'd talk about at work.

There ya go. She is bitter. No need to take any of this really serious!

[bethyylovee]

I guess it bothers me, not so much of what the topic is, but that it's another person telling someone else that they're choices in life are wrong. That just drive me nuts. Whether it's marriage, religion, orientation, anything, I just go crazy when people tell others that they're wrong.

Also, I don't think I'm being naive in saying that cheating will never happen, and that divorce is not an option. Again, I'm using our parents and grandparents as examples and that mindset and way of thinking is what has taken my parents 24 years, his parents 35 years, and my grandparents 62 years. I don't worry about saying never, and I know that we're making the right choices for us.

[Moon]

I guess it bothers me, not so much of what the topic is, but that it's another person telling someone else that they're choices in life are wrong. That just drive me nuts. Whether it's marriage, religion, orientation, anything, I just go crazy when people tell others that they're wrong.

Also, I don't think I'm being naive in saying that cheating will never happen, and that divorce is not an option. Again, I'm using our parents and grandparents as examples and that mindset and way of thinking is what has taken my parents 24 years, his parents 35 years, and my grandparents 62 years. I don't worry about saying never, and I know that we're making the right choices for us.

I never said you were making a choice that is wrong, but to be careful about thinking you know what your life will be 100% at 21. Nobody does.

People will ALWAYS tell you your choices are wrong. You need to learn to smile, nod your head, and walk away, or how to get into winnable debates, and not let it bother you so much. It isn't worth it, especially if it's an acquaintance, or someone else not that important. If it was your mother, your sister, or your best friend, I'd say you better pay attention, but it's not, it's just some dumb former co-worker, and they don't matter.

[bethyylovee]

I never said you were making a choice that is wrong.

Not you. Miss co-worker.

[Malaga]

Is this someone who has any sort of influence on the relationships that matter to you? Is she your SO or a friend or family member? Does her disapproval complicate your life in practical ways? If not, then why take it seriously? You can't make everyone like you or your choices, no matter how wrong their opinions may be, they're still entitled to them. If you're so ticked off about her disagreeing with you, then rather just avoid the discussion altogether. If she persists tell her it's your private matter and you'd rather not talk about it.