Seeking advice/help about relationship

[Virtue]

My significant other and I have been together for 9 months now. We've had our ups and downs as will any couple, but we've always managed to work through anything and everything.

My so's dream is to be a pro gamer. I introduced her to a game that I used to love that there is a very competitive aspect to and if one made it pro could lead to a pretty full-time career with sponsorship/endorsements to financially support herself. I am no longer in love with the game. She is enthralled by it. Going pro in a game takes tons of time practicing and involves her playing with at least one other person more or less religiously, spending a very large time with that person together. In the beginning of April, she decided that going pro in this game was her dream, and decided she needed to start spending that large amount of time playing the game with a person I don't really care for. I'm not insecure that she will cheat or is cheating.

She spent an entire week playing this game exclusively without any time for me. When she would take breaks from it, she would contact me on a skype call and we'd have either our naughty time or discussions related solely to the game she was playing. I felt a bit used at that point. Our relationship prior to this was going south because of the fact we're on two different time-schedules and I was being pressured to find a night job so we could work on that but could not find one that paid enough to financially support myself. I live alone in an apartment on the nicer end of town.

After having our relationship go through hell and what felt like a complete lack of compromise on her part with this game and the amount of time it took away from her, I sought out new friends and a game or an activity that could help alleviate the loneliness I was experiencing because I really do want my s/o to achieve her dream. I met someone, we talked, I sought comfort in her emotionally about my loneliness and explained everything that was going on in my relationship and very quickly we were flirting and over the course of the week my s/o was playing her game, I cheated. I cheated emotionally and sexually once; I basically helped her get off without getting off myself. I realized it was a mistake, but I didn't tell my s/o about it. I tried to revert the friendship I was having back into a friendship and although the woman tried to advance on me sexually again, I dissuaded it at all costs. We still flirted however.

My significant other figured out something was going on by the end of her game week. She is intuitive that way and it's been quite some time since I've cheated on anyone so I wasn't the best at hiding it, but when she wanted to see my skype chat logs with this woman, I refused and denied any wrong-doing. I went so far as to delete them. She was infuriated, hurt, and upset that I deleted them and over the course of two weeks I eventually confessed to everything that had happened, and the woman that I had cheated on with sent my girlfriend the chat logs as she was angry at me for breaking off whatever one would consider what her and I had.

My s/o said she wants to be with me still. It's been about three weeks now since all of this happened and our relationship has changed dramatically obviously as anyone should expect. She wants me to shower her with affection and love everyday to somehow prove to her that I love her I guess. I love her, and I want to be with her. I just don't know if I have the ability being a needy and selfish person, to sit backseat to a game that she spends literally 40+ hours a week playing. (She has her own financial savings and lives with her parents who support her otherwise). I felt like I was getting nothing from our relationship before I cheated and now I realize that while I may have been getting very little before, I am truly getting nothing from this now.

Her plans are to continue to play this game and try to make it professionally playing it. I can continue to expect 40+ hours of her in this game. I really do love her. I love what we had before this game took over her life. I'm just struggling to find relevance in her life now. If I left her, I feel like it would be the same selfishness that caused me to cheat on her and I don't want it to end like that. If it has to end, I'd rather it be on good terms. Should I just suffer through this as a consequence of my actions? Should I support her through this even though it causes us to only be able to spend 12-15 hours together a week when we used to have 30+?

I don't know. I have no idea what to do. I feel like shit because of what I did. I feel like shit because of where we are. I feel like shit because I have no hope for things changing. I have indeed talked to her about it and she tells me that with time and with affection and love from me, she will eventually start warming back up to me and things will feel like a relationship again. I'm an impatient person. How long should I expect things to be like this?

I don't know what things I should be doing to show her love and affection. It's extremely difficult for me to find motivation to do things for her when I feel like this because I don't feel a lot of love when our relationship is like this. She says I need to be doing small things everyday and then big gestures once a week or so. She's not saying this literally I guess, but that's what I derive. I'm unemployed at the moment and when I get a job it will be easier as buying things, tangible things, are also gestures, but as the poor man I can only create so many things before ideas are used and repeated, especially since we've been together nine months. I've looked through the LFAD activities on the main page and smiled as I read because I'm nodding like, yep, done that and that and that and that, etc.

Thoughts? Ideas? Opinions? I don't mind if you rage at me for my actions, I realize I was selfish and deserve the consequences of that, I'm just also looking for advice. I don't communicate well with people socially in real life, and I'm not allowed to have any female friends anymore after what's happened, my male friends being the neanderthal, "F that B then, just get out." So yeah. Here I am.

[Harlequin]

Expect things to be the way they are until she feels you're actually treating her the way she deserves to be treated. You fucked up, and you made it even worse by denying it and trying to cover things up initially. You're lucky she's even taking you back.
What you need to do right now is get over being impatient and actually work towards making things better. You created the mess, now you need to clean it up. You made things difficult for yourself, and she owes you nothing right now. It sucks, sure, that you can't talk to her as much as you want to, but you can't fault her for pursuing her dream. 12-15 hours a week is still pretty good considering you two are international. I get maybe 10 hours a week to talk to my s/o. If you don't know what to do, recycle some things you've done before. Ask her if there's anything specific she would like. I'm not sure if you two have WhatsApp, but it can help with the communication issue. Instead of waiting for skype calls all the time, you can just text as you would anyone else throughout the day. That way, you're still communicating. You could even send her cute little messages and words of encouragement. Even snapchat or something would probably make your life a little easier. You could send her photos of things you see throughout the day that remind you of her, or that you think will make her laugh. You need to be saccharine right now.
Furthermore, you need to find hobbies and interests, and of course, a job. Once you find yourself busy with shit to do, you won't even have the time to worry about not talking to her. You both need to be able to lead independent lives, and I think you'll feel a lot better once you're able to go out and about.

Things are obviously not always going to be easy. If this gaming thing takes off for her, then I imagine there will be stretches of time where you won't be able to talk at all. You need to take this into consideration, and decide if this is something you feel you can work through.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

My significant other and I have been together for 9 months now. We've had our ups and downs as will any couple, but we've always managed to work through anything and everything.

My so's dream is to be a pro gamer. I introduced her to a game that I used to love that there is a very competitive aspect to and if one made it pro could lead to a pretty full-time career with sponsorship/endorsements to financially support herself. I am no longer in love with the game. She is enthralled by it. Going pro in a game takes tons of time practicing and involves her playing with at least one other person more or less religiously, spending a very large time with that person together. In the beginning of April, she decided that going pro in this game was her dream, and decided she needed to start spending that large amount of time playing the game with a person I don't really care for. I'm not insecure that she will cheat or is cheating.

She spent an entire week playing this game exclusively without any time for me. When she would take breaks from it, she would contact me on a skype call and we'd have either our naughty time or discussions related solely to the game she was playing. I felt a bit used at that point. Our relationship prior to this was going south because of the fact we're on two different time-schedules and I was being pressured to find a night job so we could work on that but could not find one that paid enough to financially support myself. I live alone in an apartment on the nicer end of town.

After having our relationship go through hell and what felt like a complete lack of compromise on her part with this game and the amount of time it took away from her, I sought out new friends and a game or an activity that could help alleviate the loneliness I was experiencing because I really do want my s/o to achieve her dream. I met someone, we talked, I sought comfort in her emotionally about my loneliness and explained everything that was going on in my relationship and very quickly we were flirting and over the course of the week my s/o was playing her game, I cheated. I cheated emotionally and sexually once; I basically helped her get off without getting off myself. I realized it was a mistake, but I didn't tell my s/o about it. I tried to revert the friendship I was having back into a friendship and although the woman tried to advance on me sexually again, I dissuaded it at all costs. We still flirted however.

My significant other figured out something was going on by the end of her game week. She is intuitive that way and it's been quite some time since I've cheated on anyone so I wasn't the best at hiding it, but when she wanted to see my skype chat logs with this woman, I refused and denied any wrong-doing. I went so far as to delete them. She was infuriated, hurt, and upset that I deleted them and over the course of two weeks I eventually confessed to everything that had happened, and the woman that I had cheated on with sent my girlfriend the chat logs as she was angry at me for breaking off whatever one would consider what her and I had.

My s/o said she wants to be with me still. It's been about three weeks now since all of this happened and our relationship has changed dramatically obviously as anyone should expect. She wants me to shower her with affection and love everyday to somehow prove to her that I love her I guess. I love her, and I want to be with her. I just don't know if I have the ability being a needy and selfish person, to sit backseat to a game that she spends literally 40+ hours a week playing. (She has her own financial savings and lives with her parents who support her otherwise). I felt like I was getting nothing from our relationship before I cheated and now I realize that while I may have been getting very little before, I am truly getting nothing from this now.

Her plans are to continue to play this game and try to make it professionally playing it. I can continue to expect 40+ hours of her in this game. I really do love her. I love what we had before this game took over her life. I'm just struggling to find relevance in her life now. If I left her, I feel like it would be the same selfishness that caused me to cheat on her and I don't want it to end like that. If it has to end, I'd rather it be on good terms. Should I just suffer through this as a consequence of my actions? Should I support her through this even though it causes us to only be able to spend 12-15 hours together a week when we used to have 30+?

I don't know. I have no idea what to do. I feel like shit because of what I did. I feel like shit because of where we are. I feel like shit because I have no hope for things changing. I have indeed talked to her about it and she tells me that with time and with affection and love from me, she will eventually start warming back up to me and things will feel like a relationship again. I'm an impatient person. How long should I expect things to be like this?

I don't know what things I should be doing to show her love and affection. It's extremely difficult for me to find motivation to do things for her when I feel like this because I don't feel a lot of love when our relationship is like this. She says I need to be doing small things everyday and then big gestures once a week or so. She's not saying this literally I guess, but that's what I derive. I'm unemployed at the moment and when I get a job it will be easier as buying things, tangible things, are also gestures, but as the poor man I can only create so many things before ideas are used and repeated, especially since we've been together nine months. I've looked through the LFAD activities on the main page and smiled as I read because I'm nodding like, yep, done that and that and that and that, etc.

Thoughts? Ideas? Opinions? I don't mind if you rage at me for my actions, I realize I was selfish and deserve the consequences of that, I'm just also looking for advice. I don't communicate well with people socially in real life, and I'm not allowed to have any female friends anymore after what's happened, my male friends being the neanderthal, "F that B then, just get out." So yeah. Here I am.

If she was working a "real" paying job 40+ hours a week, would you have cheated? Is it the hours she is devoting to making her dream come true, or is it that she has failed to give you any attention at all, or very little? Can you handle it long-term, or will you be tempted again?

She also sounds like a control freak, demanding now that you bend over backward to prove your love. What is she willing to do to help you make things better? It takes 2 to make or break a relationship.

It sounds like you have some serious time-management/time-zone issues. And that is going to continue to be a wedge between you unless you can find a way to compromise together, like planning Skype sessions, Date Nights once a week, etc. Otherwise, what is the point of being together, especially in a LDR?

[Chillosaurus]

[...] Should I support her through this even though it causes us to only be able to spend 12-15 hours together a week when we used to have 30+?

Are you close distance or how is the 30+ possible? If it is 12-15 hours on skype, I urengtly would recommend you to intensity some hobbies.
Any normal job requires 40+ hrs/week time-invest (where I am from). Saying this I do not see that she would have had to cut down on her plans, when it is only a reasonable amount of time.

I feel like shit because of where we are. I feel like shit because I have no hope for things changing.

Isn't the purpose of a relationship to make you both MORE happy and make you feel BETTER?

I don't know what things I should be doing to show her love and affection.

Stay who you are, say what you feel, do what you feel like. She either fully likes you or she is not the right person. You want someone who fully accepts who you are.

[...] I don't communicate well with people socially in real life, and I'm not allowed to have any female friends anymore after what's happened, my male friends being the neanderthal, "F that B then, just get out." So yeah. Here I am.

You have not said much positive about the way you see your relationship and her restrictions, trying to keep you down socially by deciding who is allowed to be your friend, show that you have lost her trust. What the consequences are is your decision.
I don't see how your communication skills play a role, and they can be improved with impro-classes, comedy clubs, etc...
Don't talk about your friends like that. In the end they know you much better than anyone here and they don't deserve it, when they are actually willing to help you by giving you advice on the information you have provided. In the end it will be up to you, not your friends, not me, not anyone else, you have to take the responsibility for your decisions.

[NerdyChick]

It sounds like both of you have gotten selfish in your own ways and have forgotten to make your relationship a priority. She sounds pretty immature to me, I get having a dream, sure, but I'm just going to be the one to play devils advocate here because I know so few people actually have the ability to go seriously pro at gaming, and get sponsors and make real good money doing it. There is a difference between actually being proactive about it and just playing a game 40+ hours a week...Has she actually been looking for sponsorship? Does she actively competing in competitions for this game, like regionally? Is she actively working on getting her name out there or is she just sort of playing the game 40+ hours a week in her room? I guess my point is that I get that its the same amount of time as an actual job or how much time a student would generally be dedicating towards a degree, or an athlete towards a sport, but with a job there isn't nearly as much flexibility as being someone who is living off savings and under their parents roof, being a student is far more restrictive as well because you have deadlines to meet and lectures to attend, and even athletes have mandatory practices and if it's college sports they have grades to keep up too. She can be far more flexible with her time in her current situation, so I don't really blame you for having difficulty taking it as seriously or being as maybe sympathetic as if she was working a full time job or being a full time student working towards a degree.
But as for the bigger issue, you cheated, and it sounds like you feel rotten over it, which means you feel remorse. But you also hinted that you have cheated in past relationships as well, and you made a great attempt to hide it and even went as far as to delete evidence. You obviously know that wasn't smart and only made things worse. Tbh, it sounds like both of you aren't really ready for this sort of thing. Did you tell her you were feeling neglected by her before you cheated? Did you ask her to set aside time for you that didn't involve talking about this game or just having skype sex? It's one thing if you made her aware of this issue and she kept on as she was and ignore you. I never condone cheating, but it sounds like your needs weren't being met emotionally so you found that in someone else, and you ended up making a big mistake. What really concerns me is that you basically indirectly admitted you have also cheated before in the past, I'm assuming in another relationship, you need to really look into that pattern. If you are that miserable, why stay? The amount of damage and drama being done here in just 9 months is staggering. A relationship should make you more happy than it does miserable, and it really doesn't help when the two people in the relationship are both adding to the compounding issues. I think you need a break, you need to reevaluate yourself, your standards, your needs, your communication skills, and your coping mechanisms- because all you really have control over in this life is yourself and your actions - you can''t change her, she has to make her own choices, and maybe those choices are a deal breaker for you? Because now it's not even about getting your needs met anymore, for her it's now about you having to gain back all the trust you destroyed when you cheated. She sounds like she wasn't able to really balance the relationship and her dream to be a pro gamer even before the cheating, and so I don't see that changing any time soon.
My thoughts would be that you both sound like you need to do some individual soul searching. You both need to work on communication, you both need to figure out why you are still in this, because "love" is not all that is needed to have a healthy relationship. Respect is a HUGE necessity, and you both seem to have little respect for each others wants and needs. My suggestion to you would be to figure yourself out, really get to know who you are and what you stand for, and what you truly want/need in a life partner and what you bring to the table as a life partner yourself.

[differentcountries]

I don't really see the problem. She can support herself and the time she uses on the game pro training is the same ammount that goes into a full time job or studies. In fact, when I was a student I spent a lot more time than this on things outside the relationship, because I worked part time as well. You should talk it over how you can be in touch the best way and find topics of conversation that interest the both of you.

[Zapookie]

If you were feeling neglected, then you should have told her before you went out seeking people to talk to. My SO and I video chat maybe once a week or once every two weeks for an hour or two. Sure, I miss him, but we are both busy and have opposing time schedules. If I ever feel neglected, I tell him, and he tells me.

You should work on communicating with your SO. As for her, if she is taking this game on her full time job, maybe she should set aside a set amount of hours per day - as any real job. You should both try and make time for each other, though.

The game in question wouldn't happen to be LoL?

[ethelynn]

I don't really see the problem. She can support herself and the time she uses on the game pro training is the same ammount that goes into a full time job or studies. In fact, when I was a student I spent a lot more time than this on things outside the relationship, because I worked part time as well. You should talk it over how you can be in touch the best way and find topics of conversation that interest the both of you.

Being a pro gamer gives you flexibility to choose when you stream or play. People can make their schedule on their own. It is much easier to arrange a time with your SO. This is probably why it feels being neglected, she chooses not to spend time with him and just play the game.

Like everyone else said, I think you should really figure out what you need. Even though she demands these things from you, you can still ask her if she is even willing to give anything back or try to solve the problem that lead to you cheating. If she only wants you to do things for her, then I don't think it'll be worth it for you as the feeling of being neglected and not getting what you need will get bigger. It's important to know what she is willing to put into the relationship. If she wants to be selfish and just focus on gaming, not making any time for you, then you need to figure out if that's something you can deal with and accept or not.

[silvermoonfairy3]

As others have said, 40ish hours a week is a full-time job, so that's not surprising if she is considering it her work. Though I do agree with the posters that said there's a difference between actively working toward being a full-time gamer, and just gaming in your room thinking about what it'd be like to go professional. And I agree that there should be ways she can arrange that schedule to accommodate time with you.

That said, there's obviously been some major issues and damage already.
Her forbidding you to have female friends is a result of your betrayal by cheating on her, but long-run, a blanket ban on female friendships is probably going to backfire.. you'll likely come to resent it, and she might think it means you want to cheat again. Is the female friendship 'ban' temporary, while you work stuff out together, etc?

From the very little you've shared about the relationship, it kinda sounds like you guys just aren't compatible. She seems to need someone more independent, who is okay with the long hours she spends not talking, and you seem to need someone who can give more time and attention to the relationship.
Both of those types of needs are fine, it's just that they're also not necessarily compatible, or at least not without lots of work and compromise.. and even then, it sounds like it would get exhausting.

My honest opinion would be to consider breaking up, or at the very least taking a break, but I don't know if you feel like it's gotten to that point.