I'm so confused. I don't know what to think or say. PLEASE HELP!!

[sadandunsure]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. Things were going amazing. He embraced and even better, loved all the little quirks about me. We had so much fun with each other, he was truly my best friend/lover. He is in the military and we had gotten some unfortunate news; He was being sent to another state indefinitely and we had about another month together. We tried to optimize our time together, going to shows, dinners, and we even went on a day trip to the Grand Canyon the day before he left. During our 4 hour road trip, we had a long discussion on what we going to do with the now long distance relationship we were faced with because neither one of us wanted to give it up. He had told me many times that he is in love with me, and he truly believes that I am the girl he’s supposed to be with. We had plans to talk everyday, Skype, I was even going to come see him towards the end of the following month, and we would alternate. I was feeling really confident about pursuing this with him. The next morning, he had me come to the Air Force Base just so he could kiss me goodbye. I cried, he was noticeably upset. He called me as soon as his flight landed just to tell me that he made it safely, and he loves and misses me already. It stated out great, we were talking everyday, just like we had discussed. But after a few weeks, we weren’t talking as much and sometimes he would ignore my texts. I asked him what was going on and he had said that he’s just going through some problems, it was difficult getting adjusted, etc… I told him that I understood and I was always there for him if he wanted to talk. But explained that I don’t appreciate being ignored. I understand that he may not be able to get back to me right away, but to flat out ignore me is a little disrespectful. He agreed and apologized. After that, things kind of went back to the way they were, we still weren’t talking as much, but at least he wasn’t ignoring me. When we were planning my trip to come see him, he would say that he had to check the dates, saying that they had an exercise coming up and kept putting it off. Well, I ended up going through a couple of pretty major issues in my life and unfortunately, it’s going to push back me being able to go visit him for a little while longer. I had explained everything to him and he seemed okay with it. Just said that we’ll get through this and then deal with one thing at a time. He told me that he’s always here for me, even told me I was his soul mate. Well, a little while later he started ignoring my texts again, and now ignoring me for longer periods of time. At one point we didn’t talk or text for almost 2 weeks. When I asked him what was going on and he finally did respond he just said “just stuff in my life, but I can handle it.” Then said “just give me some time.” I understood and just left him alone. I told myself to just give him space and when he wants to talk, he will contact me. He didn’t. this went on for at least another 2 weeks. I had finally gotten tired of it. My mind was running wild, I was sad, and even a little angry because I didn’t fully understand. I sent him a text asking him if we should just give this up. No response what so ever. I ended up getting a text the next day asking how everything panned out. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about so I asked him to clarify. Again no response. I got to the point where I felt unimportant to him, and I wasn’t sure if he had found someone else and was just phasing me out of his life, but I know I was tired of being disrespected like this. I sent him a text, telling him that I think I’m going to move on. I got a response right away saying; “so that’s you solution?” I told him that he doesn’t ever talk to me, and there’s really nothing there if we don’t communicate, especially with the distance. I said that I don’t know what else to do. He asked me what had happened with my situation, I explained that I wasn’t sure what was going on with it right now, I won’t know for a few more weeks. He said “that’s good, I’m glad you’re talking to me.” Like I was the one ignoring him. Then had said “you have always wanted to move on.” I told him that, that wasn’t true at all. I meant everything that I said about my feelings for him, but if it isn’t reciprocated then I have to move on for the sake of my own happiness. Then he responds with; “so I’m not your happiness?” I told him that he is, just when he disappears on me, it hurts really bad. I want to feel important to him. He said I will always be important to him. I tried to call him and he declined my call right away. I got another text saying “I will always be the girl that he is meant to be with.” I responded with “start treating me like it, your actions don’t match your words.” Never heard back from him. I love him and I want to be with him, but at the same time, I want someone who actually acts like they want me in their life. I’m not ready to move on, but I’m willing to let him go if it’s for the best. I feel like I’m the one who’s been dumped. I miss him dearly, but I don’t know what to think. I’m heart broken.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. Things were going amazing. He embraced and even better, loved all the little quirks about me. We had so much fun with each other, he was truly my best friend/lover. He is in the military and we had gotten some unfortunate news; He was being sent to another state indefinitely and we had about another month together. We tried to optimize our time together, going to shows, dinners, and we even went on a day trip to the Grand Canyon the day before he left. During our 4 hour road trip, we had a long discussion on what we going to do with the now long distance relationship we were faced with because neither one of us wanted to give it up. He had told me many times that he is in love with me, and he truly believes that I am the girl he’s supposed to be with. We had plans to talk everyday, Skype, I was even going to come see him towards the end of the following month, and we would alternate. I was feeling really confident about pursuing this with him. The next morning, he had me come to the Air Force Base just so he could kiss me goodbye. I cried, he was noticeably upset. He called me as soon as his flight landed just to tell me that he made it safely, and he loves and misses me already. It stated out great, we were talking everyday, just like we had discussed. But after a few weeks, we weren’t talking as much and sometimes he would ignore my texts. I asked him what was going on and he had said that he’s just going through some problems, it was difficult getting adjusted, etc… I told him that I understood and I was always there for him if he wanted to talk. But explained that I don’t appreciate being ignored. I understand that he may not be able to get back to me right away, but to flat out ignore me is a little disrespectful. He agreed and apologized. After that, things kind of went back to the way they were, we still weren’t talking as much, but at least he wasn’t ignoring me. When we were planning my trip to come see him, he would say that he had to check the dates, saying that they had an exercise coming up and kept putting it off. Well, I ended up going through a couple of pretty major issues in my life and unfortunately, it’s going to push back me being able to go visit him for a little while longer. I had explained everything to him and he seemed okay with it. Just said that we’ll get through this and then deal with one thing at a time. He told me that he’s always here for me, even told me I was his soul mate. Well, a little while later he started ignoring my texts again, and now ignoring me for longer periods of time. At one point we didn’t talk or text for almost 2 weeks. When I asked him what was going on and he finally did respond he just said “just stuff in my life, but I can handle it.” Then said “just give me some time.” I understood and just left him alone. I told myself to just give him space and when he wants to talk, he will contact me. He didn’t. this went on for at least another 2 weeks. I had finally gotten tired of it. My mind was running wild, I was sad, and even a little angry because I didn’t fully understand. I sent him a text asking him if we should just give this up. No response what so ever. I ended up getting a text the next day asking how everything panned out. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about so I asked him to clarify. Again no response. I got to the point where I felt unimportant to him, and I wasn’t sure if he had found someone else and was just phasing me out of his life, but I know I was tired of being disrespected like this. I sent him a text, telling him that I think I’m going to move on. I got a response right away saying; “so that’s you solution?” I told him that he doesn’t ever talk to me, and there’s really nothing there if we don’t communicate, especially with the distance. I said that I don’t know what else to do. He asked me what had happened with my situation, I explained that I wasn’t sure what was going on with it right now, I won’t know for a few more weeks. He said “that’s good, I’m glad you’re talking to me.” Like I was the one ignoring him. Then had said “you have always wanted to move on.” I told him that, that wasn’t true at all. I meant everything that I said about my feelings for him, but if it isn’t reciprocated then I have to move on for the sake of my own happiness. Then he responds with; “so I’m not your happiness?” I told him that he is, just when he disappears on me, it hurts really bad. I want to feel important to him. He said I will always be important to him. I tried to call him and he declined my call right away. I got another text saying “I will always be the girl that he is meant to be with.” I responded with “start treating me like it, your actions don’t match your words.” Never heard back from him. I love him and I want to be with him, but at the same time, I want someone who actually acts like they want me in their life. I’m not ready to move on, but I’m willing to let him go if it’s for the best. I feel like I’m the one who’s been dumped. I miss him dearly, but I don’t know what to think. I’m heart broken.

It sounds to me like you pushed and pressured him, and no guy likes that kind of control. My SO has made that quite clear to me. Also, you had expectations, and that is just asking for disappointment. He was probably having a hard time, as he said, adjusting to the distance, probably having trouble processing his feelings, and needed some time for himself. My SO gets quiet when he is having personal issues, job problems, etc. And I have learned to respect that, and trust that he will get back with me when he can, and he always does. Also, as a former military wife, I can tell you there are times they really don't know what their schedule will be like, and some things they can't talk about, even with you.

To me there are a few red flags: you have only been dating a few weeks, and already are having communication problems, you are trying to control him, pressure him, and expect more than he can give you for now, and, as he said, you have been giving him the vibe that you want to move on, which apparently hurt him. If it's only been a few weeks, and you are already giving him ultimatums, and even told him if he doesn't straighten up and fly right (in effect) then you want to move on for your own happiness, then how do you think you can handle a LDR with someone in the military? What will you do when he suddenly gets orders, and can't even tell you where he's going, or when he will be back? What will you do when he is someplace where he can't communicate with you regularly?

[Malaga]

I'm sorry but it sounds like his interest faded and I think it's best if you moved on. Sometimes there's no real explanation why this happens, but it does, and I think everyone's had it happen to them so don't blame yourself. It's douchey of him to string you along and play the blaming game like that, making you feel like you're the one who's giving up when he backed out on you. Regardless of the stuff going on in his life, not keeping in touch whatsoever for weeks at a time is just not OK and speaks volumes about how much he cares about your relationship. Don't be seduced by his OTT statements. Actions speak louder than words. You deserve better than this. Good luck xx

Btw, paragraphs would make your post a lot more comprehensible and would result in a lot more posts. If you're unsure where to put paragraphs, just hit double enter after every 3 or 4 sentences you write.

[Hollandia]

I would start by coming out and asking if you two are exclusive. If he says yes then tell him if he wants to pursue this then he will have to make the time to hash out what you both expect from the relationship. If he says no, then you are both free to be dating other people and he most likely is, so do so yourself.

You are right, actions do speak louder than words. I would write him a nice long email telling him how you feel instead of just texting, get it all out there. If he can't truly commit then no pretty words on a text would change my mind. Put up or shut up. Couples pull together to help each other through rough times not further apart or ask for space. He apologizes for ignoring you and then does it again and then will apologize but continue to do it and put the blame on you, that is passive aggressive and immature. I would tell him, next time you ignore a text from me, it will be the last one you get till you call and explain why.

He is treating you like crap and imo I think he is probably just not ready to lose you all together but also not ready to give you what you want.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I disagree with Aussie that you pushed him, and I think the way you're handling it is good so far.
I agree that his actions aren't matching his words, and you're totally right to call him on that. I do get the impression he might be stringing you along a bit.. not necessarily on purpose to be a jerk, but it's definitely not fair to you.

I agree with the suggestion to get it all out in an email, explaining where you are with the relationship, asking where he is, telling exactly what you need, and asking if that's something he can do, etc.

Good luck!

[NerdyChick]

I agree with some of the others, you are right his actions are definitely not matching his words. You are completely warranted in your frustration, especially since he really isn't giving you a legit reason why he falls off the face of the earth for weeks and weeks on end. Also, the way he turned the situation around on you is grade-A manipulation. You tell him how you feel and what you need, he twists your words to make it sound like you are some how personally insulting him, when you really are referring to his actions and how you feel as a result. No offense, but that type of manipulation of turning a legitimate relationship concern into somehow making you sound like the bad guy when you've been by all account, fairly patient with him, is a big red flag. Shows he has little to no concern or empathy for how you feel or what your needs are, when you have been trying to give him space and meet his requests/needs. Although this is your side of the story only, if what you have said is accurate, you deserve much better.