Dont know what to think of his emotions

[Kajat]

Hey there, I have this one problem that keeps popping up in my relationship and I havent managed to solve it just yet, so I am asking for advice.
I have been in a relationship for 1,5 year and its been nice. Only that last half a year has been very odd and moody.
The thing is. I thought I could tell how my boyfriend feels, but it seems I cannot. This is my first relationship, so I do blame it on that fact a lot, yet, I thought that by seeing him on skype and hearing his voice I could tell how he feels. For past few months what have been happening was that I start to feel that my boyfriend is angry or frustrated a lot. Whenever I talk about that with him, he just says hes not and feels bad that I feel he might be feeling angry at me, even though he claims its not true. Now I am not sure what to think. The situation that keeps happening is something like, we talk about somehting, I start assuming hes angry or frustrated, I start feeling bad that I caused it and then he starts feeling terrible that I am sad again.. I know it sounds odd, but we are both prety sensitive.. especially me. I over react a lot and.. to admit this.. I cry a lot too (yes, I am 22..). I have tried to handle it before, but its not easy. Recently he told me this once we started the call ''I should probably be quiet, since I know Ill make you feel bad somehow today again. I always do.''
The reason for this post is to get advice from you, please dont judge me. Its just.. I cant tell how he feels and when he says he feels ok, I start assuming that maybe he doesnt, maybe he says hes ok only so I didnt feel bad.. and then boom, I feel bad. And everything starts over, plus he starts feeling that I dont trust him enough.. I know I am causing all this.. just dont know what to do.. Its not just ''Oh you should change'' thing, thats easier said than done. Just wish I knew what to do about all this.
I usually feel hes frustrated with me when he tries to explain something and I dont get it.. Then he raises his voice a bit, starts saing things like ''Ah'' and then the conversation ends with ''Just nevermind.'' or ''Its stupid anyway.'' and we stay quiet for the rest of the day.. I just end up feeling terrible that I did something wrong and he just decides to be quiet thinking he cause me to feel bad again. Please, any idea what to do?
This is caused mainly because I keep thinking hes angry at me or frustrated because of me, yet he hates when I blame myself and is sad when I think hes angry when hes not. He keeps asking me why I always feel that hes angry, yet I dont know. Its just his voice and behaviour makes me feel that.. Maybe its really just lack of experience with any relationships or a lot of assumptions. And now he starts to think I hate him because I keep feeling bad almost every day.. I feel that I am ruining his life and our relationship. x.x

[haribo0603]

I am sorry for your feeling. I can not give a good advice to you as I don't know how your boyfriend's voice or behavior is. An instinct is sometimes right and your boyfriend might be frustrated, or it is sometimes wrong and you would be too nervous. It is not your fault that your boyfriend feels bad.
I imagine that: he could not describe his negative feelings or a reason well by words. Or he would enjoy his everyday life forgetting you, and it makes him guilty for you.
Please don't be too nervous. Sincerely tell him that you think of him, and don't expect much.

[silvermoonfairy3]

It sounds like you are seveeeerely self-conscious. I think you need to work on yourself as much as your relationship. It's possible he's frustrated or angry, but it's just as possible that he's actually not. The bigger thing is, if he says he's not, if he says he's okay, you need to try to trust him on that. If you ask and he says he's okay, say okay, let him know if something DOES frustrate him, you guys can talk about it, and then change the topic. Move on to stories about your day, ask him about his, get into discussions, watch a movie together, whatever.

Basically, try to stop focusing on how he might be upset, and then he says he's not, and then you're upset and he feels bad.. stop focusing on that pattern, and try to put energy into having fun conversations, or good chats like you did at the beginning, etc.

good luck!

[differentcountries]

If it was something you did, it is his responsability to say something about it. You may of course try to figure out if something happened, but that can be hard and it will not always work to ASK him. What I sometimes do is say, hey, you look sad/upset/tired...whatever I sense he is feeling. I could be wrong in this, or I could be right. Either way, he will usually say no, that is his gut reaction. Exept he will admit he is tired because he often is at night. Well... Usually, if I was right, he will start talking about it within a week, by his own initiative. If I was wrong, it is not mentioned. So, therefore when I say what I say, he is not offended, or anway I trust myself because I know him. Usually I am right. But I don't stress it. Lately he has been stressing and been very tired, I suggested it was because of our plans to move in together and the effect that will have on our future. He was like, no, it is work, but lately he has started to say he has a lot on his mind because of us... Sometimes I think I plant something in his head that then grows. He is not used to talking about difficult emotions. I try to teach him. But I am not afraid of his emotions. Sometimes I am sad, and he hates that, but he can also be empathetic. Usually it lifts in a day of two, and usually it is not all because of him. He does not want to be the cause of my sadness. Sometimes he is, though. And I may upset him. Such is life.

My advice: Adress it, but don't dwell on it. If he says he is fine, regardless of if you think he is not, take him on his word and move on to something else. Take initiative to introduce lighter subjects of conversation, something that will make you smile or laugh. Laugter is perhaps more important than sex. Don't hate him, don't beat yourself up! Just try to do something different. You can even say it like an experiment; let's try something different in the way we talk to each other.

Guys (and some girls, too) often like to keep difficult things to themselves. They can be afraid that sharing only brings sadness. That means that if you want your man to share, you must make sure it is safe for him to do so, that you will not be (just) sad or upset. What I do, I always thank SO if he shared something difficult with me. Even if it is something that I hard to take, I always thank him. I know it was hard for him to say it to me. Also, I know that he will not be ready to take care of me right away, that must come later, when he has calmed down. So, I often cry. That calmes ME down. We will talk later.

It can sometimes work to be very blunt. If I really feel something, I will just tell it like it is, wether it is bad communication or something else. Perhaps the lighter tone in the conversation is missing, or the flirting, or everything has become practical for some reason....or, like you, you are scaring each other insted of talking for real. The prolem with being sensitive is that you sometimes take in everything without a filter to sort them. If you see him kind of sad, you can't know for sure if he is upset about his everyday problems, or you, or just looks sad because he is about to catch a cold. You can voice your opinion, that is ok. He can say something in return, that is ok too. And "the truth" about his emotions matter, but you can find that out later, together, in the meantime try to have fun together, because that is about emotions, too.