Long Distance Help (Urgent!) :(

[LavenderLilac]

My long distance boyfriend (of almost two years) broke up with me two weeks ago and i am in shambles. He broke up with me because his next semester is going to be really rigorous (he's a physics student in the UK) and he doesn't feel like he has time to give me the attention I deserve because he's going to have to study everyday even in the summer. Do you know how I can get him back? I really love him more than anything and am willing to wait. He wants me to find someone else who can give me the attention i deserve but I don't want anyone else. I only have loved him and no one else. D:

I am currently doing the no contact rule and trying to heal himself and the ending of his exams is May 22nd so I was thinking of not messaging him until then. How should I go about this? Is there any hope for me? He says he loves me still when he broke up with me but it makes me wonder how someone could love someone and do this. I've met him for a whole entire summer and winter break as well while i was in college this year. I feel like there is more to this as we really adored each other.


(Also, I'm new here and I hope I posted in the right board. Sorry for any inconvenience if I didn't)

[squeeker]

Maybe wait until his exams are over, give him that space, and then message him, especially if you two both care about each other, say how hard it is not to talk to him and how you want to be with him even if he is busy with physics work and you want to at least try to keep it going.. although he is likely warning you so you can get out now because he will likely not be able to talk as much as you are able to talk now, however much that is. Take some time to think about whether you want him enough to wait it out even if he is crazy busy, or not. There's no shame in the answer, you just want to be sure of your heart because it will help you keep going even if you can't talk much. Though if you really can't talk much then that would be very tough but it just depends. I say maybe try and wait until he's done with his exams, maybe he was just stressing out about exams and getting irrational. I know I get kinda irrational and crazy during exam time. :P

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!

[temporaryuser]

I can understand where he is coming from in a way. My SO is finishing his masters in nursing, along with working ft as a paramedic/firefighter and pt as a police officer. This last semester was no joke with 16 credit hours. We would go days without talking. I go up to see him every 3 months for a week and this last visit the only time I got to see him was when he would come home for a few hours to sleep.
That being said, we have an end date of September of this year. So I know I dont have to endure this for much longer. It sucks, and I am sure he doesnt want to put you thru that.
I would wait till after his exams and have a talk with him. That will give you time to start to heal and approach it calmly. Sit down and write out your thoughts. Are you sure you can go thru the distance and lack of communication for extended periods of time? Are you going to stress him out if he doesnt have time for you? Are you going to be able to encourage him and push him to do his best? These are the things you will need to communicate to him.

[differentcountries]

I dont ever get the I am too busy exuse! I have been a full time student and working part time myself and was in a relationship throughout. My husband is almost finished with 3 very busy years of school, compulsory practice for months on end and part time work. It is doable. My SO is currently working 10+ hour shifts every day of the week and the summer is the busiest. This is why I use his restaurant as an office 1/4 of the month and will spend most of my summer vacation there. Because then I get to see him a couple of minutes during the day and spend a couple of hours alone with him in the evening. If you are willing, there is usually a way. Frankly, the busy exuse is shit. Cutting down on time together is never a reason to break up (if it was, people would break up every time they changed jobs or got a child). It is just a version of it is not you, it is me... He has got a nerve to say he is dumping you to protect you! I would be mad if I was you.

[Maribeth]

I agree with Squeeker. Wait till after his exams and just text him asking how his tests went and how he's been and try talking more from there onu've been doing etc, about what y . Try not to touch the topic of getting back together until you get an idea of how he feels about you both being apart these last few weeks. Mention you've missed talking to him, but don't overload him with your tsunami of feelings. It could get overwhelming for him if you do. Take it slowly, baby steps.

[RachelAnne]

I think if the two of you still want to be together, there is a way to make it work. Sure you won't be talking as much--which is completely understandable. But maybe ya'll can work together to figure out a way to keep the communication there around your busy schedules. My SO is going to have a busy semester in the fall because he'll be graduating, but we figured out a way we're going to make it work even though we'll be talking less. Don't text him until you know his finals are over, and then maybe see if you can try talking to him then Best of luck!

[silvermoonfairy3]

I dont ever get the I am too busy exuse! Frankly, the busy exuse is shit. Cutting down on time together is never a reason to break up (if it was, people would break up every time they changed jobs or got a child). It is just a version of it is not you, it is me... He has got a nerve to say he is dumping you to protect you! I would be mad if I was you.

Unfortunately, I agree.
I think it was an attempt to let you down easy. In college it's being 'really busy with school', after college it's being 'really busy with work'.. it's become one of those red flag phrases.

Not that people AREN'T sometimes really busy with school or work, but if that's the case, basically people using the 'busy' thing as a reason to break up are saying, "I'm so busy that I don't want to see you anymore." Generally, I think most of us want the person who is more likely to say, "I'm so busy, I can't wait until things calm down and I can spend some time with you again."

And there IS a distinction. The thing is, as DC said, everyone gets busy, even extremely, crazily busy, at some point in their lives. People in strong relationships who want to be together don't break up because of being busy.

There are people on this board whose partners work 70+ hours a week, people who were doing graduate degrees at the same time as their SO and literally almost never talked, people who have complete opposite time zones where the only chance they get to touch base is if one of them stays up late or the other gets up early. When you want to make something work, you make it work.

I'm sorry, it sucks, but I really think it would be better for you in the long run to *not* contact him, and keep working on healing.

I know it's tough, and these sort of breakups in particular are hard to get closure. But you'll be doing yourself a favor in the long run if you don't contact him, at least not until you're 'over' it all.

Good luck!

[OperaDiva]

I am sorry you are going through this. It must seem unfair and sad and a million other bad emotions. But I am with differentcountries and silvermoonfairy. I am in a full-time PhD programme and so is my SO (and he is finishing his thesis right now). We talk almost every day, even if it is only for 30 minutes through yawns on both sides.
I don't know how old your SO is, but he seems to be too chicken to tell you he wants out. So let him go. Choose yourself and make yourself happy, away from people that do not want to be with you. Good luck!

[Mims27]

I agree with Differentcountries and silvermoonfairy2. I get the feeling that "busy" is an excuse. My SO goes to school full time, works fulltime with a lot of overtime, tons of homework and a family that depends on her too much. Also, I work full time week days, I go to the gym a lot and I'm often out of town on weekends in the Summer but we still make time for each other, no matter what. If he wants to be with you, he will make the effort. I say don't contact him and maybe he'll realised he did something stupid...if not then you deserve better. Good luck!

[rhabdoviridae]

Unfortunately, it sounds as though he's just trying to let you down gently with the bit about being too busy, especially as he's encouraging you to find someone else. That says to me that he doesn't want to continue the relationship, and while you can always attempt to get him back, I think it's best to start the road to healing yourself and moving on.

[Amalie]

I really do understand why you are upsed and want to get him back no matter the consequences. I've been there as well, but because of the "I'm too busy, babe" really have to open op your eyes. You can't just dumb one another like that. Not after 2 years of a happy relationship. No, just can't do.
I know it's a really tough one to face, but you have to get over him as fast as you can and then, if ypu're ready of course, find someone else who will still love you after studying the whole summer und so weiter...

I hope you get my point

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

My long distance boyfriend (of almost two years) broke up with me two weeks ago and i am in shambles. He broke up with me because his next semester is going to be really rigorous (he's a physics student in the UK) and he doesn't feel like he has time to give me the attention I deserve because he's going to have to study everyday even in the summer. Do you know how I can get him back? I really love him more than anything and am willing to wait. He wants me to find someone else who can give me the attention i deserve but I don't want anyone else. I only have loved him and no one else. D:

I am currently doing the no contact rule and trying to heal himself and the ending of his exams is May 22nd so I was thinking of not messaging him until then. How should I go about this? Is there any hope for me? He says he loves me still when he broke up with me but it makes me wonder how someone could love someone and do this. I've met him for a whole entire summer and winter break as well while i was in college this year. I feel like there is more to this as we really adored each other.


(Also, I'm new here and I hope I posted in the right board. Sorry for any inconvenience if I didn't)

Being busy is no reason to break up a relationship, if you are both happy and in love. My SO works 70 hours a week, plus has family responsibilities, goes out occasionally with friends to football games, and just has a very active life in general. We are in very different time zones (he's 15 hours ahead of me), so I have adapted to his schedule pretty much. We still find time to chat nearly every day, and Skype at least once a month. Sure, we would like more time together, but this is what we have now, and we love each other too much to let time be a deal breaker. It's 4 years for us, and still going strong.

[ST25]

If a person is so busy that he needed to have a break, that probably means that he thinks the relationship would be enough of a distraction for him to not focus on his school work. It can happen sometimes and he probably thought he could solve the problem by not being in a relationship. Just wait until his schoolwork calms down and then try to communicate about where you want to take the relationship from that point. In the meanwhile, don't think too much on it until the time comes for you to be able to speak with him again.

[bethyylovee]

I dont ever get the I am too busy exuse! I have been a full time student and working part time myself and was in a relationship throughout. My husband is almost finished with 3 very busy years of school, compulsory practice for months on end and part time work. It is doable. My SO is currently working 10+ hour shifts every day of the week and the summer is the busiest. This is why I use his restaurant as an office 1/4 of the month and will spend most of my summer vacation there. Because then I get to see him a couple of minutes during the day and spend a couple of hours alone with him in the evening. If you are willing, there is usually a way. Frankly, the busy exuse is shit. Cutting down on time together is never a reason to break up (if it was, people would break up every time they changed jobs or got a child). It is just a version of it is not you, it is me... He has got a nerve to say he is dumping you to protect you! I would be mad if I was you.

I absolutely, 100% agree with this. The "I'm too busy" excuse is a joke, in my eyes. Stephen had some semesters that we hardly talked for 2 minutes a day for weeks, and we got through it. If he loves you, he wouldn't be doing that to you.

[whatruckus]

Not to be the Debbie Downer, but my ex made this excuse to me before. When he had decided to go back to school, he broke up with me before it started saying he was going to be "too busy" to see me. Mind you, we only lived like 40 mins from each other. He also went on to say that I shouldn't be upset if he ended up dating someone else while in school because they would be "closer." Makes sense right? Turns out, he met some girl who actually lived down the street from him and they started seeing each other, but never actually being a couple, all while he was still seeing me and us still behaving like a couple even though we were supposed to be broken up. Yeah, and this was a guy that I ended up being with for 5 years and took him back about 2 or 3 times when he dumped me for other girls. I've learned my lesson.

I personally think that the whole, "I'm going to be 'too busy' for you" excuse is BS. If you want to make the relationship work, you'll find the time to do it. What he said is just a cop out.

Right now, my boyfriend and I barely get to talk, and we don't even live that far from each other compared to the other couples on here. He's at his job's academy, training to be a Corrections Officer, and graduates on Friday. From Sunday night to Friday afternoon he's there. They don't have WiFi, and he's in classes until about 4PM. I barely get to talk to him. I'm lucky enough to see him on the weekends, but I don't know how long that will last when he actually starts at the Prison because his schedule is wacky. Even before that, the only time I get to see him is on the weekends if neither of us is busy. Not to mention the fact that in 3 weeks he's going away with his Army unit for training and they'll be gone for 3 weeks. He won't have access to a computer and his cell service is probably going to spotty since they're going to be travelling to different bases, starting at Fort Knox. He would never even think about breaking up with me because of all this, and neither would I. It's something you put up with when you're in an LDR, or just a relationship in general. You need to adapt to each others schedules to make it work, or find ways around it to get your time together. Even if you're just emailing, texting, calling, skyping, writing letters, whatever you need to do.

If there's a will, there's a way.