Why is long distance still hard?

[iamj]

I was thinking about this the other day and ended up talking myself into circles. Wanted to post to see if anyone else had put some thought into this?

A) What makes long distance hard?
- Not being together is tough... but why?

This got me started down the path of, oh we can't hang out, we can't be near each other, can't go on dates... etc. Then i started to think about skype / couple app / games and all the other electronic tools today that we use to try to be closer together, which led me to...


B) What's missing today? What aren't we getting from technology solutions today?
- Despite being on videochat frequently with my SO, I still find myself searching for things to talk about from time to time.. why?
- We're trying to be more connected as a couple, but why does it still feel like we're not?
- Are we not using the right tools out there / do they even exist?

These questions then led to my final question...

C) What do we actually want as LDR individuals?
- I'd love a way to go on "LDR dates" that could simulate the things that make a traditional date work (which i'm not sure what they are...)
- A way to create new things to talk about that we both care about...

tbh the theoretical nature of these questions has me all turned around. Would love to hear what you guys think about any (or all) of the questions! I'm just so lost as to what the "right" answers are...

[Harlequin]

I don't know if there necessarily are "right" answers, because even though we all generally want the same thing, every relationship is different.

Not being together is tough, because I'm very much a doting and nurturing girlfriend. Being this far apart makes it difficult for me to be there for my s/o when he's having a bad day or otherwise needs a little support and vice versa. Skype and all those other digital means of staying in touch are always lovely, as are physical things such as letters and gifts, but it's not necessarily the same. I can see my s/o on skype, but I can't actually SEE him. I also feel like the waiting part makes it difficult. You know the distance has to close, but it's never soon enough.
Also, money and costs are a big, ugly issue.

What we're missing from technology is that physical aspect. That thumb kiss thing on the Couple app is cute and all, and in some ways it's like that physical connection, but it's not as nice as a real kiss. I also feel like skype makes my s/o and I feel obligated to talk continuously. So where there would be a lull in the conversation in person, we feel like we HAVE to talk on skype since we only have a short amount of time to do so. In person, we can sit in the same room and not say a word, and we'd still be content. We can say things as they come to mind, but the pressure to keep a conversation going isn't there. The physical company is plenty fine.

For my LDR specifically, I wish we had more time to talk. I wish his schedule was a little more regular, and a bit easier on him as well. I want to feel some sort of physical connection to my s/o even though he's 3400something miles away from me. I miss him like crazy.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I don't know if there necessarily are "right" answers, because even though we all generally want the same thing, every relationship is different.

Not being together is tough, because I'm very much a doting and nurturing girlfriend. Being this far apart makes it difficult for me to be there for my s/o when he's having a bad day or otherwise needs a little support and vice versa. Skype and all those other digital means of staying in touch are always lovely, as are physical things such as letters and gifts, but it's not necessarily the same. I can see my s/o on skype, but I can't actually SEE him. I also feel like the waiting part makes it difficult. You know the distance has to close, but it's never soon enough.
Also, money and costs are a big, ugly issue.

What we're missing from technology is that physical aspect. That thumb kiss thing on the Couple app is cute and all, and in some ways it's like that physical connection, but it's not as nice as a real kiss. I also feel like skype makes my s/o and I feel obligated to talk continuously. So where there would be a lull in the conversation in person, we feel like we HAVE to talk on skype since we only have a short amount of time to do so. In person, we can sit in the same room and not say a word, and we'd still be content. We can say things as they come to mind, but the pressure to keep a conversation going isn't there. The physical company is plenty fine.

For my LDR specifically, I wish we had more time to talk. I wish his schedule was a little more regular, and a bit easier on him as well. I want to feel some sort of physical connection to my s/o even though he's 3400something miles away from me. I miss him like crazy.

Scheduling time for us is a problem. He's very busy, working 70 hours a week, plus family responsibilities, time for himself, time to go out with his mates to the Football Club, games,etc. And I also have a life of my own, family, etc., though I am somewhat more flexible since I am retired. But he is 15 hours ahead of me.

We are pretty spontaneous, chat off and on during the day, and up til now I have sacrificed sleep so we would have more time to chat when he is off work. Well, he decided he needs more time with his kids, and I desperately need more sleep and a more normal sleep pattern. So, we have decided that when he goes home from work, that is our cue to say goodnight, and he can get on with his evening, while I go to bed earlier. We'll see how that works. It isn't easy for me to switch back to my time zone, when, for 4 years, I have been living on Aussie time. In effect, I end up living in two time zones at once, and I am exhausted, I've messed up my circadian rhythm, and it has affected my health. I'm almost 67, so I need to take better care of myself.

We haven't met physically, yet, but even with our online relationship, we are very passionate (Skype makes a big difference), but still there are times, we wish we could really hold each other, cuddle, and be with each other physically. Sometimes, being a long-time fan of Star Trek, specifically STNG, I wish we had our own private Holodeck, where we could actually meet and be together. To me, that would be the ultimate LDR technology advance.

[snow]

I don't think there is "right" answers, but here is my take on this:

A) Not being able to physically touch each other is what makes it hard. He can touch my heart, my mind, but not my hand or face and I won't lie: I need that.
Sometimes I don't like to talk and we both like to be alone sometimes, but not by ourselves, which means we both like to do our own thing, but we want to stay in touch with the other person. So, what I miss the most is both of us doing what we want, watching videos, reading articles, drawing, crafting and whatever else we want to do, but always be around the other person, so I can just reach over and hold his hand for a while, rub his shoulders when I get up to get more water, kiss him before I sit back down. This is what makes distance hard, because yes, I can do all the things I mentioned above when it comes to spending my alone time with him, but even though we are on voice chat all day, I can't do the little things that make me feel connected with him.

B) Different apps, different programs or websites are not going to replace the look on a person's face who loves you with all his heart, the smile they give you when you don't look at them or the feeling of a kiss on the forehead just because. But they make being apart easier.
You have to find out what you are both comfortable with. Some people video chat every day and it works for them! I for one don't like video chatting every day, I like doing it for important dates, but everyday would be too much stress for me. You will have to try different things and see what makes you both feel good, how do you both like to spend time with each other - and the key is not to fill every second with words! Be realistic, sometimes you sit around your family members and say nothing, just enjoy each other's company.

C) What do I want as an LDR person? Not be long distance anymore. That really is the top thing I want, because other than being apart at the moment our relationship is great and I wouldn't change a thing. We have our routines, we have our subtle ways of showing each other how we feel about something, we have our means of communication sorted out and we have things we like to do with each other. I think we are too laid back to care too much about dates and things like that. I rather not stress out about things like these. When we miss each other a lot, we simply try to spend a little more quality time with each other (just like right now where we watch some parananormal shows together while sitting on teamspeak and talking to each other).

If you want a date, just do it! We had a box of 67 things to do and every day we had a little "date" where we did those things, like singing to each other, playing a game, playing charade, drawing together and so on and so on. If you want to have a date, one of you, or you both, will have to make an effort to have a date, just like you would do in person.

[Alsfia]

A) I'm on board with the fact you can't be alone together and not feel apart. We usually leave Skype on all the time (usually with video) but I can't help but feeling I'm trapped in a box without my glasses and with earmuffs on. I don't get to turn my head or smell or even see what stuff really looks like.

I don't get to wake up and feel his warmth next to me in the mornings, and I don't even get time to be annoyed or angry with him (as weird as it sounds) because half the time I can't hear what he's saying or the net is just not working.

There's always a sense of not being home for me when we are apart.

We're lucky in that we have really supportive families, but money and time are constant worries, there's always a shortage of either.

B) Until they invent a faster, cheaper and more accessible way to travel, nothing is going to feel "enough" for me. However, I do appreciate how much easier maintaining a LDR has become with technology, and quite frankly I think many of us (me definitely included) would be completely lost without it.

C) To close the distance. Until then, cheaper postage and flights

[Chillosaurus]

[...] A) What makes long distance hard?

Who says long distance would be hard?
Why should I look for problems and difficulties?
I believe one should focus on the positive, on the realisations coming from this experience,...

[...] C) What do we actually want as LDR individuals?[...]

Feel loved and love the right person (just like many others do).

[aojeda50]

That's the problem. The physical part of the relationship, the lack of.
We talk to our SO's for hours and hours through webcams or chatting online. We find out their secrets and insecurities and we get to know their personalities.
When I think about it, I still think to myself how much I don't know about my SO. That's because we don't live together. I don't know what his little habits are, what would make him mad.
I don't know what are the little daily things that make him relax or happy. I miss that part a lot. As much as I talk to him, I always feel like that huge part will be missing until we close the distance.
Well, speaking as a relationship where we met online.
We have visited one another two times and that's it. His visit here I learned a lot about him. I wish we had more time together. Definitely felt closer to him.

[rhabdoviridae]

The hard part for me was the adjustment; we were CD for six years before we became LD. As I'm on a typical school schedule, I have summer breaks and a winter break. Now, in my last year with rotations, I have no summer break. The constantly changing nature of the relationship, dictating when and for how long we can see each other, is tough. And yes, the hardest part is not being around each other physically (both intimately and just casually). There's just so much to being together in person that gets lost over the phone or over Facetime, especially since we talk for about an hour each night and then head off to bed.

What I want (personally) from my LDR is to not be LDR anymore We're fortunate in that we have a set date to close the distance (and always have - I'm just away for schooling right now), we're married already and have a whole life to look forward to. As for the rest of it (technologically speaking), we make do with what we have.

[differentcountries]

A) Mainly, it is not being able to touch each other, sex, hearing the sounds in the same room (I absoultely adore hearing my SO sleep), doing things together physically like cooking, walking together on the beach, bicycle riding and so on. Also, the talk is differently when you are in the same place, even if Skype talk can be intimate, too.

B) I am sometimes bored or frustrated when talking to SO online. Partly, it is because we have always had online restrictions. He did not have his own smart phone, he did not have his own room (big room with all his workmates), he lived with him mum and the internet inside the house died... Now we rent a flat but we have yet to install internett there, so I guess he will be Skyping with me from outside today. When bored, we try to do something differently... like just text a bit and just spend time to ourselves, then we usually miss each other a lot after a day or two. Also, I have tried to come up with questions to ask him, there are books with questions, too. Also, I have made him special books and they have come up in the conversation sometimes.

C) To us, there is no way a Skype date can resemble a "real" date, the real dates are simply better, they even have food . Exept... I have very, very good memories of our, not dates exactly, but longer Skype sessions where we both had extra time and were in a good/receptive mood. It is possable to have very good eye contact over Skype. You can say some nice or dearing words, or just talk for hours and feel the connection. There is sex. I would love to do things like watch a movie together, too, but he is just not the movie watching kind of guy...just yet. We have seen like one cinema movie together ever and not all that much tv, so suddenly watching movies online together would feel weird, I think. Perhaps we will get there one day...or not. What I would love to have, was a way for him to Skype safely, by himself, inside - I guess he can when we install he net in "our" home. That would make whatever we aim for, much easier.