When is the right moment to talk about problems?

[Cristiana]

If there's a problem or issue to solve, how can I do? And how do you guys do?

I usually dont like to talk about serious topics on messaging chat or phone, in a "normal" relationship, I would just say "Hey let's meet somewhere, I have to talk to you about something". But it's a bit different in a LDR.

So what do I do, wait one month to talk to him face to face or just open the topic online/on phone?

I'm nervous when I talk about my problems and my thoughts, especially important and serious one, and I know I would love a hug from him while talking about it, and that's the main reason I would wait. But I cant cut it off my mind and sometimes I feel like I really have to talk about it and just let it go.

P.S He already knows there is something I have to tell him and even the main topic, because we talked about it when he came here for our first meeting, but in fact that was our first meeting and I didnt have the guts to say everything. And now Im stucked with this thoughts.

[Lucky]

It sucks you missed your chance the first time you met but I understand why you held back. If you are the type that prefers to talk about these things in person and he already has a good idea of what is going on, delaying it will turn it into a guessing game and you don't want the wrong assumption to cross his mind.

If both feel comfortable using video chat that might be as close as to in person as you get, but if one of you is camera shy a phone call might be best, unless your favorite communication method is by emails, then a letter will do the trick. So as you can see it really depends on both individuals.

I do not recommend text or chat because if someone gets upset it's too easy to stop reading/answering before things are cleared out.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Don't wait a month! If you are having issues, you need to talk about it soon after the issue comes up, not wait. Of course a Skype video call would be the best way, but if not that, then a phone call. Text and chat are too easy to misunderstand, because you don't have the voice, with the nuances of subtle emotions, the emotional cues. Text and chat can be very impersonal, at a time when you need to be more personal, and as Lucky said, it is too easy to stop reading it before the situation is cleared up. I don't know how many times my SO and I have had an argument on chat, blown everything out of proportion, and abruptly ended the chat, still angry, and then, a few times, I have blocked him. Fortunately, it never lasts, and we are back with each other by the next day...but Skype would have been so much better.

[dragonlady]

geronimo! just go for it, never wait with things like that

[conejita_hada]

If it's a big problem that can be solved, I'd say start discussing it now (over video chat) if he already know the general topic. If it isn't a problem to be solved but rather an issue in life that needs to be dealt with, maybe wait until you see him in a month. I understand not wanting to start serious discussions without speaking face to face but as others before said, sometimes it's best to get them out and discussed instead of letting the worry build. Best of luck!

[Cristiana]

Thank you all for your advices, I agree that texting isnt the right thing because of misunderstandings, and a phone call is the better thing between waitig a month and chat. And I think our next meeting would be even much easier after the issue is discussed and gone. And nobody says we cant re-talk about it even when he'll be here.

[Cristiana]

Well, I took a decision.. I know that if there's something to solve it could be spoken about, but I really want him to be near me while I'll talk about it and it's something that can wait. Is not something that can ruin or stop our relationship if not spoken, is just a topic I wanna discuss with him and clarify, so while I can wait, I wait. Otherwise I'll go for the phone call.

And one more thing is that both of us know that I need to learn to express my thoughts when we're together, because Im very shy and quite about my feelings so I'll need to "practice".

Maybe when the time to wait for will be longer and there will be a problem (hope it wont be ) I wont wait , but for this time I feel like it's the right choice.

[differentcountries]

I have had arguments with SO while on a visit. That is really unplesant. I prefer to have them online, if we must have any, because then I can shelter and heal a bit by myself. My SO way of dealing with a conflict is to get very cold, which is crap over the distance but absolutely awful in person. That being said, he is much more responsive to me crying in person, so in one way it is better.

I prefer to take up things right away, or at least within a day or two. So much misunderstandings can arise from waiting.

The longest I wanted to bring up a subject was 3-4 weeks (online, when we saw each other less often), which ok because I was really certain at that point, and it got worked out between us and got 100 % better within a day.

[Miasmata]

Personally, I think skype calls (if possible, with webcam) are a good compromise. Being able to openly and honestly communicate, no matter your circumstances and distance, is vital for a relationship - But I also totally get wanting to be close when you need to discuss something serious. For me, skype calls help a ton since I can hear his tone and, with the webcam, see his expression and gestures. As good as I've gotten at text communication, there is so much nonverbal stuff that I can't pick up on, so the webcam calls really help tons.

It's entirely up to you if you can wait or not, but don't hesitate to be honest and discuss tough things when you need to. A serious discussion can work over the distance, definitely, and honesty is always good for the both of you.

[RedWhirlwind]

I would discuss anything serious by Skype, or phone if Skype isn't possible for whatever reason. I'm not very good at being open with my feelings, especially if there is any sort of problem at all. But being in a LDR and getting used to having those discussions by phone or Skype has helped me with having them with him in person too. Text, email and any sort of messaging is not the appropriate place to have any sort of serious discussion or disagreement - WAY too easy to blow things out of proportion or misconstrue meanings.

And when you're LD, it is soooo much better to have those serious discussions when you're apart so that the times you are together can be spent being happy together.

[rhabdoviridae]

We discuss important things over FaceTime (although we FaceTime every night, haha) and if needed, revisit them over our next visit. It's really important to be able to express how you're feeling over alternate methods of communication though, in the event something comes up that can't/shouldn't wait.