he says we cant make it because we cant do stuff together??

[ivakdad]

Hi. My LDR boyfriend of almost a year and I have been going through some difficult times. we argue a lot...but other than that, we now have this new issue found by him!

He says we're together in sad times but in happy times, we tend to be apart. that's true, and he doesn't like that. he says he wants to do stuff that makes him happy with me, together. and I'm kind of person that would rather be busy with her life, I don't have much interests, and the ones I've got, he doesn't share them. For me our talk on the phone was sweet enough, would charge me up, but for him apparently that is not enough.

We could always do things together more, things like music,movies,..the thing is, I don't listen much to music, I don't watch movies a lot, because I feel like I'm wasting my time. and he says he doesn't want to "force" me and so the relationship is not OK if we both don't enjoy. I would be able to do things like this once or twice a week though...but it seems that's not enough. and as we're in an LDR, there is not much else to do when apart.

So, he basically thinks we've got no way out. I think it's ridiculous breaking up over something like this. He is willing to stay if there was a solution. none of us wants to break up.

So, do we have any way out? Anyone experienced anything like this before?? Any comments?

[Alsfia]

There is a lot of information and ideas under the "Things For LDR Couples To Do"-section of the forum. You don't necessarily have to watch movies or listen to music all the time together, you could write journals for each other (even make it a themed one, for example a work out journal or food journal, even a book one, that you could share with each other), you can take an online course together (for example learn a new language), play games together (if you don't want to play multiplayer online games you can always play a conventional board game, or even just something as simple as battle ship). There is a lot to do together and in a way, that is one of the positive sides of LDR because you get to develop your creative side.

I have to point out though, you both really need to be willing to compromise. If such a simple act as just watching a movie together once in a while makes your SO happy, isn't it worth it to sit down and take a moment to do just that? You guys really need to communicate and talk openly about your needs and how to satisfy them best, and I can't stress this enough; compromise!

Good luck!

[ivakdad]

I understand what you said about having to compromise. Yes, as I said I am willing to compromise. I am willing to take a moment and watch a movie with him. but it's not enough for him. He thinks we should always be together and only sometimes apart, I think we should have our own lives and sometimes do stuff together. you see, what he demands seems more than I could give. I can't sit down and read a philosophy articles with him (what he loves the most). I can't have discussions with him about the meaning of life. I mean I can, but maybe once a month, even twice, not more! We don't share same interests and therefore we can't do same things all the time. What I want to know is, can we meet somewhere half the way?? or is it just dead already...



and by the way, we have tried different activities, but he said it's not "natural" and we shouldn't "force" ourselves to enjoy being together.

[differentcountries]

That is bullshit. Of course you should try different activities, how else will you know what you like?

Me and SO found out randomly that we enjoy cooking together. Apart from that, I don't know if we share as many INTERESTS as such....but we enjoy simple things, like going for a bicycle ride, going out for a nice dinner, making drinks, walking around the town... With us, I am the one with the million interests, so once in a while I try to introduce him to one of them (he actually danced with me once! I was so happy), but I also try to encourage him to find out what HE enjoys, for himself. He has always just worked or studied, and his personality is such that he does not neccesarily act on what he might be interested at.

I get it with guys who are philosphically inclined. I used to be in love with a man who ALWAYS wanted to talk about the meaning of life and such, it was a bit draining because I wished he also would simply enjoy being with me. SO is a tiny philosopher, too, but he does not do it as much, and the things he wanders about are questions that can be actually answered. How about if you agree to discuss with your SO if he takes the challenge to make the theme interesting? Maybe you can watch a movie together, or go listen to a debate about a subject that interests YOU as well as him.