Thinking about taking a break :/

[ncm5026]

Hey all -

So I'm struggling right now with something that has been an 'issue' for the majority of my LDR. My SO is finishing up college now but our communication over the past year has been pretty bad. We've talked countless times about how it makes me feel when he rarely responds to my texts or takes a long time to respond to them and the fact that 99.9% of the time he doesn't answer my calls and calls back hours or a day later. He knows it hurts me, yet he still hasn't changed. It may get better for a week or so after we talk about it and then it just goes back to the same. He's said that it's because of school and how stressed he is but it's hard for me to think that he values my feelings when he can't bother to even text me saying 'hey, sorry just saw your text I was .... let's talk later when I'm not busy". He can't do that and I have a hard time understanding why.

I've cried so much over this issue and finally said I need some space. I e-mailed him after we talked about how I needed space in order to explain a little more what I meant by 'space' and that I hoped it would help both of us take some time to think about what we want/need. He's always claimed he doesn't want to break up and whenever we talk about the communication he promises it will change and that I just need to be patient and now that school's almost done he can do it.

I just have a hard time believing that and am struggling with what to do ... I love him so much but the lack of communication is one thing I KNOW I can't accept in my LDR. Anyone have advice or experienced something similar???

[silvermoonfairy3]

Honestly, if you've talked about it with him and he's made attempts but it always reverts back, either you need to make the decision to work on not being bothered by it, or yeah, probably break up.

You need more communication than he's giving, and that's fine. His relationship/communication style isn't to give it that way, and that's also fine.. it might just mean that ultimately it's not the right fit. It might get a little better once he's done with school/less stressed, but really, in my experience, people don't change a lot from their general pattern of behavior over a given period of time. If he's been doing this for about a year, when there are obviously different levels of stress and busyness in that time frame, I don't think it's just the stress or busyness. I think it's his relationship style and personality.

Especially since it gets better for a little bit after you talk about it each time. That means he's putting in effort regardless of the stress and busyness, but having to remember to put in effort that isn't your default behavior or relationship style gets tiring and then often people revert to their norm, the behaviors they exhibit without thinking too much about it.


If you aren't ready to break up just yet, have you thought about ways that you can compromise? Set a particular time in the day that you can call and both talk, even if it's just for a few minutes, like on a lunch break or something? And then agree to work on not getting upset if he doesn't get back to you right away if there are other times you call or text, as long as he keeps the planned ones?

[Zapookie]

I am going through something a little similar. I visited my SO in February for 3 weeks, and since then everything has gone downhill. Constant arguing/butting heads, and it was always caused by wanting to talk about the issue . He is very stubborn and often refuses to admit he is wrong or to accept my point of view. I figured that we needed a break. I have said to myself that if nothing changes after this break, I'm done. I can't live my life with someone so unwilling to change. I think you should do the same.

[TampaLove]

I went through this with my last ex that was close by. It took me a year and a half to realize that if he missed me and wanted to show me that he cared...he would. He wouldn't put me off and make excuses.

He was never the man I needed, and he wasn't going to turn into him because I nagged.

Let him go, and let him grow on his own. Value yourself.

[ncm5026]

Thank you all for the advice. We're still on a break but he called me last night and said 'i've told you i can do this, just wait and see' so I told him that if that's true, he will show me and not just say it - that he'll fight for this relationship to work. So we'll see. I agree, if things don't change, I need to wake up and smell the roses and move on - no matter how badly I want this relationship to work since we've been through so much together (I went to rehab - he supported me, came to visit me at the halfway house, helped me move to a new apartment; he feared graduating this year and I was there; both of our families love each other) so it's hard to just let go just yet.