Hi everyone,
I originally started posting on here as my current boyfriend and I used to be long distance, at this point I really need someone to talk to and I don't want to discuss this with friends or family because I don't want to be judged or lectured. I'm hoping to get advice from someone who has experienced the same situation as me. I know this is not a LDR thing now but I've found in the past people on here have been very nice and helpful.
Okay so my boyfriend and I have been dating almost two years, we were together nearly every day for the first two months of our relationship/dating, he was the first one to say I love you and was supposedly head over heels crazy in love with me. Anyway two months into our relationship he has to go back to college to finish his degree, I knew this going into it and knew at some point we'd either decide to break it off or be LD. So before he leaves for school I sit down and have a talk with him that are you sure you want to try to do this LD thing (he was only 21 at the time) I said you're going to this new school and you're going to want to party and stuff with your friends and you're going to forget all about me. He assures me that I'm the one for him and he wants to make it work and he's past his partying stage and is ready for something more. (And he really isn't a big partner/drinker to begin with)
So fast forward everything is going ok, I fly up to see him about once every 30 days, and then during christmas break he comes down to see me for almost a month. After the month of being with him all of the struggles of the LD relationship go away and we have this absolutely amazing connection. Before he leaves to go back to school he tells me that the more time he spends with me the stronger his feelings get (and he's not the "player" type, I believe everything he has said is sincere.) So everything is seemingly going great, HOWEVER (and a big however) at school he has met a new friend, and shockingly (not) he's a guy who doesn't have that many other friends so my bf and him become basically besties, he's a total douche bag, thinks it's ok to cheat on his girlfriend (and does so regularly), always wants to go to the bar (and I mean always... like a monday night), he's one of those people who is unhappy with himself so he tries to play off as this big player/womanizer and hides his unhappiness with drinking. My BF is none of these things, he is kind and caring and is a relationship type guy, but he is however easily influenced and very easygoing.
So progressively before Christmas break he and this guy become better and better friends, my BF is still being a good BF though, it's hard but we're making it work. After Xmas break it's almost like the new friend is jealous of our relationship and the happiness we have, when my BF returns to school it's as though douchebag wants to turn up the fun meter. Suddenly they're going to the bar almost literally every night, my BF becomes shady about calling/communication, we start fighting and have arguments, etc. When I mention this new behavior and express my concerns about douchbag his argument is that he doesn't really know anyone else or like to hang out with anyone else from around there. Now mind you I'm perfectly aware it's is totally my BFs choice to hang out with this douchebag and he is responsible for his actions, but I do feel like if it weren't for douchbag none of this would have ever happened, it's just so out of character for my BF it's like he was a different person around this guy (not that that is any kind of an excuse).
So later on in the relationship I discovered that he had a one night stand at douchebags house, about 2 weeks after visiting me on christmas break. For about three days after I hardly hear from him, which was not surprising as things hadn't been going well. Anyway needless to say the next about month or so until I discovered the truth does not go all that great but we're hanging in there, on the positive side the night he has the one night stand is the last night he hangs out with douchbag and after that he wants nothing to do with him, at this point I don't know why but at least that loser is out of our relationship and that helps a little. So anyway to make a long story short, about a month and a half later I find out on my own what happened, and he happened to be visiting me during spring break, we had been in a bit of a rough patch but since he'd come down and we'd actually got to spend more than just a couple days together things were going great again and he was back to his old self, until I found out the truth.
I was pretty devastated, heartbroken, angry, you name it. I really thought that he was a better guy than that, and at this point he was done with school and had asked me to move in with him (literally he came down during spring break to help me pack/move) So we have it out and I quiz him about all the details and how many times this happened and yaddy ya. He tells me it was just that one time and he never intend for that to happen and he felt awful and that's why he was pissed at douchebag and quit hanging out with him, and it would never happen ever again and he realized what he had in me and had been ridden with guilt but he didn't want to tell me because he thought I would leave him, and he just wanted me to give him the chance to make it right.
So anyway, after everything I decide to give him the chance to make it right with me (please don't judge, that's not the point of this post). When he and I are together we have basically the perfect relationship, I've never felt this way with anyone else (and I'm older than him BTW) so I decide against what my brain tells me to do and go with my heart and we move in together.
So we've been living together for over a year now, and he has really been great, I've never been suspicious of him, he treats me great, we have a great relationship, and for the most part I feel happy. However, and here's the point of this whole post, I can't seem to get over/move on from what happened. We've talked about how I feel multiple times and I still get sad about it every so often. Whenever this happens he's awesome he asks what he can do to help me feel better, he admits to being wrong, and he tries his best to comfort me, he never gets mad or upset or defensive. I've noticed that my bad feelings seem to get about 1000Xs worse when he leaves for a few days for work (he travels every so often for 2-3 days at a time), I feel like I can trust him but it's like when I get left alone and it's just me and my thoughts I turn into a crazy person.
He's been gone since Monday night and finally last night I was overwhelmed with emotions about what had happened, I get suspicious that there's more to the story than he told me about and I remember all the lies he told me. Like I said it was like he was a different person and his behavior/actions were so hurtful. Everything comes flooding back and I ended up crying myself to sleep at 2am.
What I need advice on is how do I keep moving forward? I don't want to keep remembering these things, I want to move on, I've forgiven him, I trust him, but how do I stop reliving the past? I feel bad bringing it up and taking about it when it's been over a freaking year already, even though he's really good about it. Did I make the wrong choice and that's why I can't let it go? It's ridiculous, I just want to let it go and be happy, I have zero suspicions of him doing anything since then, but whenever he's gone my brain goes into overreact mode and reminds me of all the reasons why I should be freaking out and getting upset. It seems like here lately I've been thinking about it and getting upset about it more often than I had been in the past, why?
Has anyone else gone through something like this before? Do I need therapy? Do we need therapy together? Am I just a crazy psycho who is completely overthinking everything (Most likely)? Please help!
I originally started posting on here as my current boyfriend and I used to be long distance, at this point I really need someone to talk to and I don't want to discuss this with friends or family because I don't want to be judged or lectured. I'm hoping to get advice from someone who has experienced the same situation as me. I know this is not a LDR thing now but I've found in the past people on here have been very nice and helpful.
Okay so my boyfriend and I have been dating almost two years, we were together nearly every day for the first two months of our relationship/dating, he was the first one to say I love you and was supposedly head over heels crazy in love with me. Anyway two months into our relationship he has to go back to college to finish his degree, I knew this going into it and knew at some point we'd either decide to break it off or be LD. So before he leaves for school I sit down and have a talk with him that are you sure you want to try to do this LD thing (he was only 21 at the time) I said you're going to this new school and you're going to want to party and stuff with your friends and you're going to forget all about me. He assures me that I'm the one for him and he wants to make it work and he's past his partying stage and is ready for something more. (And he really isn't a big partner/drinker to begin with)
So fast forward everything is going ok, I fly up to see him about once every 30 days, and then during christmas break he comes down to see me for almost a month. After the month of being with him all of the struggles of the LD relationship go away and we have this absolutely amazing connection. Before he leaves to go back to school he tells me that the more time he spends with me the stronger his feelings get (and he's not the "player" type, I believe everything he has said is sincere.) So everything is seemingly going great, HOWEVER (and a big however) at school he has met a new friend, and shockingly (not) he's a guy who doesn't have that many other friends so my bf and him become basically besties, he's a total douche bag, thinks it's ok to cheat on his girlfriend (and does so regularly), always wants to go to the bar (and I mean always... like a monday night), he's one of those people who is unhappy with himself so he tries to play off as this big player/womanizer and hides his unhappiness with drinking. My BF is none of these things, he is kind and caring and is a relationship type guy, but he is however easily influenced and very easygoing.
So progressively before Christmas break he and this guy become better and better friends, my BF is still being a good BF though, it's hard but we're making it work. After Xmas break it's almost like the new friend is jealous of our relationship and the happiness we have, when my BF returns to school it's as though douchebag wants to turn up the fun meter. Suddenly they're going to the bar almost literally every night, my BF becomes shady about calling/communication, we start fighting and have arguments, etc. When I mention this new behavior and express my concerns about douchbag his argument is that he doesn't really know anyone else or like to hang out with anyone else from around there. Now mind you I'm perfectly aware it's is totally my BFs choice to hang out with this douchebag and he is responsible for his actions, but I do feel like if it weren't for douchbag none of this would have ever happened, it's just so out of character for my BF it's like he was a different person around this guy (not that that is any kind of an excuse).
So later on in the relationship I discovered that he had a one night stand at douchebags house, about 2 weeks after visiting me on christmas break. For about three days after I hardly hear from him, which was not surprising as things hadn't been going well. Anyway needless to say the next about month or so until I discovered the truth does not go all that great but we're hanging in there, on the positive side the night he has the one night stand is the last night he hangs out with douchbag and after that he wants nothing to do with him, at this point I don't know why but at least that loser is out of our relationship and that helps a little. So anyway to make a long story short, about a month and a half later I find out on my own what happened, and he happened to be visiting me during spring break, we had been in a bit of a rough patch but since he'd come down and we'd actually got to spend more than just a couple days together things were going great again and he was back to his old self, until I found out the truth.
I was pretty devastated, heartbroken, angry, you name it. I really thought that he was a better guy than that, and at this point he was done with school and had asked me to move in with him (literally he came down during spring break to help me pack/move) So we have it out and I quiz him about all the details and how many times this happened and yaddy ya. He tells me it was just that one time and he never intend for that to happen and he felt awful and that's why he was pissed at douchebag and quit hanging out with him, and it would never happen ever again and he realized what he had in me and had been ridden with guilt but he didn't want to tell me because he thought I would leave him, and he just wanted me to give him the chance to make it right.
So anyway, after everything I decide to give him the chance to make it right with me (please don't judge, that's not the point of this post). When he and I are together we have basically the perfect relationship, I've never felt this way with anyone else (and I'm older than him BTW) so I decide against what my brain tells me to do and go with my heart and we move in together.
So we've been living together for over a year now, and he has really been great, I've never been suspicious of him, he treats me great, we have a great relationship, and for the most part I feel happy. However, and here's the point of this whole post, I can't seem to get over/move on from what happened. We've talked about how I feel multiple times and I still get sad about it every so often. Whenever this happens he's awesome he asks what he can do to help me feel better, he admits to being wrong, and he tries his best to comfort me, he never gets mad or upset or defensive. I've noticed that my bad feelings seem to get about 1000Xs worse when he leaves for a few days for work (he travels every so often for 2-3 days at a time), I feel like I can trust him but it's like when I get left alone and it's just me and my thoughts I turn into a crazy person.
He's been gone since Monday night and finally last night I was overwhelmed with emotions about what had happened, I get suspicious that there's more to the story than he told me about and I remember all the lies he told me. Like I said it was like he was a different person and his behavior/actions were so hurtful. Everything comes flooding back and I ended up crying myself to sleep at 2am.
What I need advice on is how do I keep moving forward? I don't want to keep remembering these things, I want to move on, I've forgiven him, I trust him, but how do I stop reliving the past? I feel bad bringing it up and taking about it when it's been over a freaking year already, even though he's really good about it. Did I make the wrong choice and that's why I can't let it go? It's ridiculous, I just want to let it go and be happy, I have zero suspicions of him doing anything since then, but whenever he's gone my brain goes into overreact mode and reminds me of all the reasons why I should be freaking out and getting upset. It seems like here lately I've been thinking about it and getting upset about it more often than I had been in the past, why?
Has anyone else gone through something like this before? Do I need therapy? Do we need therapy together? Am I just a crazy psycho who is completely overthinking everything (Most likely)? Please help!
Comment