Friends getting in the way ?

[debradoodlex]

My SO have discussed moving in together come September. But his friends are being rude about it. They are telling him that he is doing the wrong thing and that he is moving too fast in our relationship. And one of his friends even asked if he really loved me.
I dont understand why they just cant be happy for him. Neither one of us feels like we are moving too fast. We feel like we are moving at the right pace for us.
I need advice on how to cope with this because its starting to really bug me. As much as he tells me that it wont change anything, I just have this nagging feeling that they might try even harder to convince him to not let me move there with him..

[CynicalQuixotic]

Well, objectively, moving in together after only 5 months is fast. Especially when you're in your early 20s.

Did I mention I just signed a lease with my boyfriend and we're moving in together next week? ...We've been together for 5.5 months. I am in my early 20s. (SO isn't, though.)

Basically, if you, after a good amount of soul-searching, really feel like this is the right decision, do it. It is your (collective) life. Your boyfriend is absolutely right: they're just his friends. How much influence do you think they have over him? There will always be people who think that what you're doing isn't a good idea--you just have to use your brain and make the decisions that you feel are best for you.


That being said, how much time have you two spent physically together? Being that you two haven't been together for very long, and it's an LDR, it's something you really have to weigh heavily. When you live together, you see the best and the worst of that person--if one of you is super neat and the other isn't, for example, those are the things that ruin relationships. Have you two had in-depth discussions about your plans for the future, your values, your hopes and dreams? I don't mean to rub my close-distanceness in your face or anything, but I can count on my fingers the amount of nights my SO and I have spent apart since we got together in December, so he and I really know each other, day-to-day habits and all. If you two are still finding things out about each other, moving in together after only a short amount of time could prove to be a disaster.

[Moon]

Try looking at it from his friends point of view - Their friend just met some girl, it's an LDR, and in less than two months being together, he's talking about moving in together. It is a legitimate concern on their end. Instead of worrying about how you cope with it, get to know his friends. Let them see they don't need to be so concerned. If it was my friend doing this, I'd be very concerned too, they're only looking out for him, as friends are supposed to do. Good luck.

[differentcountries]

You ARE moving very fast. You have not know each other that long yet. I can understand that his friends are concerned, because they want to make sure he makes the right deciton. Don't expect his friends to be "happy for you" - they probably don't know you at all, and he has not either, for that long, so it is hard for him to convince them. Usually, people appreciate relationships more when they have lasted for a while - both because then there is less risk for it abburptedly ending, and because people who have just fallen in love (or in new relationship energy, as we say in poly-land) can be really annoying in their blissfull world of their own. Make sure to meet those friends, be nice to them, that is all you can do, really.

[CynicalQuixotic]

You ARE moving very fast. You have not know each other that long yet. I can understand that his friends are concerned, because they want to make sure he makes the right deciton. Don't expect his friends to be "happy for you" - they probably don't know you at all, and he has not either, for that long, so it is hard for him to convince them. Usually, people appreciate relationships more when they have lasted for a while - both because then there is less risk for it abburptedly ending, and because people who have just fallen in love (or in new relationship energy, as we say in poly-land) can be really annoying in their blissfull world of their own. Make sure to meet those friends, be nice to them, that is all you can do, really.

DC, I know we have come to blows in the past, but I ask this as a legitimate question: do you use a Norwegian Internet browser, or one that doesn't have the language settings set on English? If you do, you should maybe think about configuring your spell check to English, because you make a lot of spelling mistakes that make it hard to understand your writing. You also misspell words that have been used by posters above you--you could easily check there if you're confused.

[differentcountries]

I write a lot on this Forum, on the go, in between other things I do, I don't always have time to spellcheck it. By and large, people seem to get what I mean.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I write a lot on this Forum, on the go, in between other things I do, I don't always have time to spellcheck it. By and large, people seem to get what I mean.

...seriously? Everyone has time to spell-check. You right click on the words that have a red squiggly line under it and it gives you the correct spelling most of the time. I know for a fact that you can do this on a smartphone too. Proper spelling is important.

[kittyo9]

@CQ Let's try not to get too off-topic.

I know that you feel a certain way about your relationship (it is yours, after all), but if one of my friends were in an LDR that had only just started a couple months ago and they were already talking about moving in together, I would be quite concerned, too. I am sure that once you are there and you start hanging out with them with your SO, they will ease up and feel better about it, but until then, they will probably be fairly vocal about their opposition, and there isn't a lot you can do about it. If your SO really wants this, he will not listen to them.

How old are you guys? Is this move something that is financially responsible for both of you?

[merlinkitty]

Try looking at it from his friends point of view - Their friend just met some girl, it's an LDR, and in less than two months being together, he's talking about moving in together. It is a legitimate concern on their end. Instead of worrying about how you cope with it, get to know his friends. Let them see they don't need to be so concerned. If it was my friend doing this, I'd be very concerned too, they're only looking out for him, as friends are supposed to do. Good luck.

This is really good advice I didn't think of. I do realize I take this into consideration when talking about my SO to others. How are they going to react? Are they going to shut down the idea of him just because we've never met in person? Do they think I'm crazy for even thinking about an LDR? But the people close to him seem to be accepting of me, so far, and I'm slowly meeting them as the occasion arises. I think this helps them feel better about their friend/brother/son/grandson having a face to put with the name they keep hearing about.

and because people who have just fallen in love (or in new relationship energy, as we say in poly-land) can be really annoying in their blissfull world of their own. Make sure to meet those friends, be nice to them, that is all you can do, really.

This is also something I've run into, that people can't stand new, gushy relationship energy. The hater seems to come out in them. You two have to determine your own speed. For me, it's pretty quick, but if you're both comfortable with it, then go for it. As the friends get to know you, hopefully this nonsense with them will come to an end.

[talim]

I think that above posters already gave you some pretty good insight. Yes, I understand your SO's friends, because you are moving pretty fast in your relationship, BUT nobody knows your relationship better than you two. If you both feel it's the right thing, then don't let the others ruin it. BTW, have you already met his friends? Maybe after they get to know you they will look on it in a different way.

BTW, I don't know if it is common in other countries besides Czech republic, but about 20 years ago it was pretty common here that people decided to live together, get married and have a family really fast. My exes parents got married just few months after they met because his mother got pregnant, and they are still happily together. Yes, some of those couples ended up divorced, but some of them are still happy I just wanted to say, every couple is different!
Good luck to you

[ldrxoxo]

Yes you are moving too fast. I wouldn't even talk about moving in or getting engaged with someone unless it's been at least a year. I would be also concerned. My last local ex got married on his second girlfriend he had and they are still together after only officially dating for three months. He's been with her longer than his brother who was with a girl for five years and they broke up. It depends on the person but it's rare. I say they were desperate. If it was really meant to be it would still be even later on in time.

[silvermoonfairy3]

So here's the thing, in my opinion.
Friends aren't IN the relationship, this is true. But there's two sides to that coin.
There's the side that because they aren't in the relationship, they don't have the benefit of knowing the feelings and the intricacies between the couple behind closed doors.

But they aren't in the relationship, which means that there are things they can see more clearly than the couple, who at times can be blinded by their closeness to the situation. (Can't see the forest for the trees and all that.)

When friends have concerns about something with a relationship, there are several factors to think about. How many friends think this way? How well do these people know the partner? Is there any reason these friends' opinions are being influenced negatively that have nothing to do with the relationship? (Feeling like their weekend-drinking-buddy is gonna be gone, being single and super jealous that other people have girlfriends, etc.)

If there are several good friends who think something about a relationship, and it's not likely that it's for a selfish reason, there might be merit to their opinion that the couple, being so infatuated with each other, is missing.

The important thing is to be honest with yourself about it.. to think about their concerns, and try to have an honest, open look at your actions and thoughts with something. And learn who to listen to, who, if they say something negative, you trust has a reason for it and makes you slow down and think for a minute. (For me, that's my little sister. She's pretty much always been right about my love life situations, even when I didn't necessarily listen to her at the time, lol.)

Now, I'm not saying that if someone disagrees with a relationship decision you and your SO are making that you should automatically change the decision. And sometimes things will be mistakes and you'll look back and say, yeah, I should have listened to (my best friend/his mom/our friends/whoever). So it's a matter of finding that balance between when you might need to listen to people about something like moving too fast, and when you're going to ignore it.

Sometimes things are big mistakes but ones that need to be made, and sometimes they're big mistakes that's good to avoid. (And, once in awhile, they're even not mistakes.

Good luck!

[debradoodlex]

Thank you to everybody who replied. I dont believe we are moving too fast. Like many of you have said, every couple is different. But I also believe that the ones who said to get to know his friends are right. Ive only met a couple of his friends and the ones ive met arent the ones saying this stuff. So its probably just because they worry about him and I get that because I would worry about my friends too. So I'm going to take some of the advice given and I'm going to get to know his friends better.
I really apperciate all the insight !