I'm not fond of my one of my SO's best friends.

[whatruckus]

First of all, it's a girl, and they've known each other for like 12 years. Apparently at one point my boyfriend and her were going to "date" but it never happened (his exact words, "it just never happened."). They never really talk or hang out (he said they usually only talk or hang out when one of them is single), and he says he feels nothing for her in a romantic way at all (I believe him, or we wouldn't be together).

Obviously, I have issues with my boyfriend having a "best" friend that's a girl. I honestly don't think he would ever cheat on me, and I do trust him completely. My issue is with her. I have never met her. Not once. She has made no effort to want to meet me, though I've told my boyfriend a few times that I'd like to meet her. She only asks him to hang out when I'm not around. Last May, she broke up with her boyfriend (she's still single) and apparently, he was the ONLY person she could talk to about it. She called him, texted him, and Facebook messaged him all the time, even when she knew I was with him at his house. Around the same time, my boyfriend was having second thoughts about us (completely unrelated to his friend). He said it was just something that a lot of guys go through sometimes, and talked to his brother and his other best friends (who are guys) about it and they convinced him that it's just a phase and stick it out with me, and now, he's completely happy with his decision and tells me all the time that he doesn't know what he would do without me. But, they did hang out a few times during this (which, I found out after the fact because he's terrible at communicating sometimes) and I was not okay with it, though I did understand it was because she was going through a break up. He knows I'm not entirely keen on him being friends with her, but at the same time I would never make him stop being friends with her.

What I can't stand is the fact that she has no interest in meeting me. To me, that's weird. Whenever my guy friends had a girlfriend, whether they had a bad relationship before or not, I always wanted to meet their girl and scope her out, and make sure she was good for him. Granted, I don't have many guy friends now, and a lot of them are engaged/married (ugh, I feel old). Also, when I've glanced at their Facebook messages, when she messages him and I'm there with him, she never refers to me as "Traci," it's always "The Girlfriend," never "Your Girlfriend," just "The Girlfriend." It irks me, almost like she doesn't have respect for me. She knows his ex and I think they've met, so it boggles my mind why she wouldn't want to meet me or have anything to do with me. All of his other friends and family have met me, multiple times, and they all adore me. I would think that, after knowing his ex, she'd be extremely interested in meeting this girl that he talks about spending his future with.

I haven't talked to him about my issue, mostly because I've stopped asking if I could meet her. I pretty much gave up months ago. I know she's asked him a few times, since last year, to hang out, but he hasn't done it. She's even openly asked him to hang out with her on his Facebook wall for her birthday, not even mentioning me, or being like, "Bring your girl!" Even last year, for her birthday, I remember she texted him to come out and she made no mention of bringing me. I also really can't stand that she only talks to him when it's convenient for her, which is something I noticed from the stories he's told me about their friendship and just from what I've observed. Then again, he only talks to her when she talks to him. Their friendship is just completely weird to me.

So, I'm really not sure if she has an issue with me. Which, would make absolutely NO sense because I've never spoken to her or met her! What I'm really wondering is, am I honestly being completely crazy for feeling like she doesn't like me? Does anyone think that maybe she could have an issue with me? I know I'm reading in too much to the little things (I can't help it, it's my personality). I just think it's odd that she wants nothing to do with me, especially since I'm going to be around for an extremely long time. Plus, I don't like it when people don't like me. :[

[snow_girl]

Anyway you could add a TL;DR??

[whatruckus]

Anyway you could add a TL;DR??

Basically, his "best" friend is a girl, she wants nothing to do with me, and I've never met her or even talked to her so I don't know what her deal is.

[rubydissolution]

If she's one of those friends that only wants to hang out and talk on her time why would she wanna meet you? People like that are incredibly selfish, and can't be bothered in other peoples lives. I wouldn't take it personally, she's just that kind of person.

[whatruckus]

If she's one of those friends that only wants to hang out and talk on her time why would she wanna meet you? People like that are incredibly selfish, and can't be bothered in other peoples lives. I wouldn't take it personally, she's just that kind of person.

That makes sense. I just feel bad for my boyfriend because he considers her one of his best friends, yet she only talks/hangs out with him when she's lonely. In my opinion, I almost feel like she uses him, but he doesn't see it.

[conejita_hada]

I agree with rubydissolution. She probably does use your boyfriend, as an ear to talk to and complain to when she needs it and then goes on with her life. I have/had those friends. He probably considers her a "best" friend because he's known her 12 years. I categorize my "best" friend the same. We've known each other for almost 15 years and now, we have nothing in common. I found a pattern that she only reaches out to me when I am in the same city. I still consider her a lifetime friend because we have so much history and her parents considered me a second daughter, all that stuff. But, I know she's there only for occasional amusement.

Granted, in my situation my friend is a girl, as am I, but, if your SO sees nothing horrible in his relationship with her, it's probably very similar. It might be aggravating but as long as your SO see only a platonic friendship with her, no need to worry.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I also wouldn't take it personally, I don't think it's that she doesn't like you specifically.

But I *do* think she's romantically interested in your SO, and therefore probably also jealous of you or dislikes your position in his life, even if she doesn't know you personally. In my experience, when a woman won't meet their male friend's girlfriend, and refer to her as "girlfriend" and not by name, etc. it's because they're trying to keep it from seeming more real to them.
Ashamedly, I personally did that a few times when I was younger and stupider. :P

That said, your SO isn't playing into it. He's not hanging out with her a ton, he's being faithful, etc. so you just have to trust him. Also, if she doesn't really hang out with him much and they don't talk all that often, that doesn't seem like a "best" friend, so I wouldn't worry too much about that part either.

As for feeling like your SO is being taken advantage of, that's another thing that's his thing to worry about or not. If he doesn't feel like he is, that's his prerogative, and you don't need to take it on yourself to "show" him how she's using him. That would just seem kind of spiteful and petty, like trying to wreck their friendship or whatever.

For the time being at least, it doesn't seem like this friendship is particularly intrusive on his time or life, so I think the best thing to do is just try to keep yourself from thinking about it too much.

If she comes up in conversation, or if things start getting weirder or more frequent, you could try bringing it up with a casual conversation, or mention it seems like Jane doesn't like you, but in my experience, guys tend to be oblivious to some of these women interaction/games, and he might just go "of course she does!"

So yeah.. I'd just try not to worry about it. Easier said that done! I have a bit of a jealous streak acquired from past betrayals. I have to work to keep it in check sometimes, so I know it's a little hard. Good luck!

[nottheprincesspeach]

I have a similar issue with my SO. He has a best friend who is a female. She has never met or talked to me, yet I know she doesn't really like me. My SO and I are very honest with each other. His friend is in a relationship, and he knows that he is basically her back up plan. I feel like the same thing might be going on. She never really wants to date him, but she does want him as her back up plan. Since my SO is at least aware he keeps that in mind now. I don't disturb their friendship, but it can be frustrating. I've given up trying to meet her. Either she'll come around eventually or he will willingly cut her out of our life. Just talk to your SO. It did work for me. Be sure not to be accusatory or anything, but it might get you somewhere.

[merlinkitty]

You're totally ticked off. I understand. There's a few things I'd like to suggest. It might sound a little harsh, so bare with me to the end.

First off, I don't like that you're not telling your SO any of this. What it sounds like to me is you're holding all of this in and it's starting to boil over. I can hear the anger, frustration, and yes, jealousy in your post. My first thought to you is to find a way to tell him what's going on in your head about this whole situation. This problem isn't going to go away or be resolved by your holding it in and being angry about it.

I really don't have an issue with his best friend being a woman. Mine has a number of female friends, one in particular who encouraged him to start taking me more seriously. I'm really grateful he's had her in his life. Without her, I'm not sure where we'd be. He's had others, however, who's motives I've questioned. Because he and I talk about his relationships with other people (including the women) I am able to express my concern when some of them seem to be using him.

Stop worrying about whether or not she likes you/has an issue with you/what her deal is. It's not your problem. Like you said, you two have never met, and she has no apparent desire to met you. Therefore she has no basis to form an opinion over you except what he's told her.

Please stop reading his Facebook messages. This is a breach of his trust. I've done this myself, made up rash assumptions, put myself in misery, etc. What really was the problem is that I didn't trust him, which made me really, really insecure (and for good reason in my situation).

You have every right to feel the way you do. Don't get me wrong. But by being angry and bottling this up you aren't doing yourself any favors.

Take a breather. Figure out what it is you want to talk to him that bothers you about this situation. The calmer you are, the better off you're going to be in discussing this with him. If you think about this from his perspective, you're going to be pointing out every reason he shouldn't be friends with someone he's know for 12 years, considered well enough to date at one point, but obviously isn't taking her seriously because he's not seeing her. He's seeing you. My guess is that he sees her as a friend, and she sees him as something more. It might be time to have a heart to heart with him about how odd her behavior is. And I agree, she's being really shady.

Perhaps you can take what you've posted here, calm it down a little, and present it to him in the way you feel is strongest to you. Either message him, sit down and talk next time you're together, over the phone, whatever works for you. And talk to him. He may not even realize this is bothering since you haven't said anything. Hang in there. He might be more receptive to this than you give him credit for. Guys still never cease to amaze me with their rationality

[differentcountries]

I was so crushed that my SOs best female friend does not like me. I am so envious of her, because she is like my SOs big sister, she has known him for years. And she hates my guts; though she does not know me at all, she thinks I am a bad choice. I had bad dreams because of her. Than SO indicated he chooses me over her. Part of the reason I think being she thinks she can choose for him. I don't want any bad on her, but she hurt my feelings and the feelings of my SO many times. If she cant deal with his choices, how can she be in his life? Just live your life. Trust in that SO chose you.

[merlinkitty]

If she cant deal with his choices, how can she be in his life? Just live your life. Trust in that SO chose you.

This is so true. I really trust that everyone has their friends' best interests at heart, but I know that's not always the case. And it's really distressing when someone your SO cares for doesn't care for you. I know I'm a good person. Why they can't or (in whatruckus' case) refuse to acknowledge that, it makes me question why they're around to begin with.

[whatruckus]

Please stop reading his Facebook messages. This is a breach of his trust. I've done this myself, made up rash assumptions, put myself in misery, etc. What really was the problem is that I didn't trust him, which made me really, really insecure (and for good reason in my situation).

I've never actually intentionally read them, just when I hear that little ding sound (or whatever it is, lol), I just look over being curious as to who is messaging him, since he never starts messages. I never meant to see that stuff, but when it was up on his screen, just as I glanced, and noticed that was/were the only thing(s) she'd mentioned about me, it ticked me off. This happened when she was constantly messaging him after she broke up with her boyfriend.

I'm at least happy that I'm not AS crazy in thinking the way that I do, and I'm not sure how to bring it up to him since they don't talk as much anymore. I think if I see her do it again (accidentally, of course), I may mention it to him.

I just want to repeat, I've never intentionally, and would never intentionally, read his messages or go through his phone, that sort of thing. I trust him. My last relationship I did it, and because I did it, I did find that my ex was flirting back and forth with other girls. So, I don't want to dig, just in case I ever did find anything, I'd rather be ignorant to it this time around. :/

This is so true. I really trust that everyone has their friends' best interests at heart, but I know that's not always the case. And it's really distressing when someone your SO cares for doesn't care for you. I know I'm a good person. Why they can't or (in whatruckus' case) refuse to acknowledge that, it makes me question why they're around to begin with.

This. Lol. Like I said, I really hate when people don't like me because I like making people happy. I try not to let it get to me, but then I see her post stupid things on his FB, or texting him to hang out without even mentioning me. -_-

Thinking about it now, I have mentioned to him that I think she might have feelings for him (which he brushed off and said she probably doesn't, then again he's oblivious to when girls are smiling at him and staring at him, men -_-), I remember I told him to just be careful because sometimes some people have other intentions. Since then, I think that's when he kind of stopped talking to her/decided to not really hang out with her. Plus, I've told him that I was a little uncomfortable with him hanging out with her, since I don't hang out with any of my guy friends by myself, so I don't put myself in a situation that would cause him to second guess, even for just a second. I'm very mindful of those types of things on my end, especially being that he has been cheated on numerous times by other girls he's been with.

I do understand that he chose me and that if he really wanted to date her, he would've done it when he had the chance because that's the type of person that he is. And, if he can't see a future with her (or any girl) he won't date her. That was something he told me before we even started dating, when we were just friends and talking. He doesn't date often, not exclusively, anyways, like we are. He tells me all the time that I'm the first serious relationship he's been in since he came back from Iraq in 2009, even though he dated other girls. I'm also one of his longest relationships and the only girl he's ever trusted completely. Plus, he's starting to tell his friends he wants to marry me (which is huge, because he was engaged to his ex back when he was in Iraq) and we talk about living together, growing old together, and having kids all the time. So, I'm not worried about him straying

I just would not be okay if she tried to make a move, that's why I'm not okay with them hanging out because it gives her an opportunity to do so. I'm very possessive, :/. One of my bad qualities.

I've also had really bad experiences with my ex having "friends" that were girls, who turned into something more for a bit while we were on "breaks" that he initiated to do these things. He's even going to marry the last girl he did this to me with, so this is another reason for my insecurities. :/ Bad experiences and crappy exes suck.

[merlinkitty]

I've never actually intentionally read them, just when I hear that little ding sound (or whatever it is, lol)... Bad experiences and crappy exes suck.

Oh good! Hahaha when I was reading your post I was getting this image of you hunched over his laptop or whatever, coffee in hand, in for the count lol I went through my own period of that and I realize the incredible jealousy and mistrust I had for that guy. It made me realize (amongst other red flags) there was something fundamentally wrong.

I know what you mean about the insecurity with the ex having a bunch of girl friends. Mine did too. Really did a number on me. I've really tried hard to put that behind me, though. I kind of had to get to a point where I just had to decide I either trust him to deal with things or not. It's really freaking stressful worrying about what other people are up to when you have no influence over their behavior. The guy I'm seeing now, I do trust and so I don't question the intentions that he has in any relationship, although I've questioned theirs on occasion

I really hope, for your sake, that he cuts it off with this chick. I understand they've got this long history but my thoughts on this are who cares lol just because I've known someone for 20 years doesn't mean I need to know them for another 20 out of respect for the previous time we've spent together. People change, they move on, they grow apart. If it weren't for social networking, I would have absolutely no clue what's going on with some people I grew up with because we have nothing in common anymore This friendship with her might be one of those. In any case, it's causing you distress, and you both seem to be very committed and serious about a future together. It would be nice to have people in your lives that support both of you instead of being all shady about it

[whatruckus]

Oh good! Hahaha when I was reading your post I was getting this image of you hunched over his laptop or whatever, coffee in hand, in for the count lol I went through my own period of that and I realize the incredible jealousy and mistrust I had for that guy. It made me realize (amongst other red flags) there was something fundamentally wrong.

I know what you mean about the insecurity with the ex having a bunch of girl friends. Mine did too. Really did a number on me. I've really tried hard to put that behind me, though. I kind of had to get to a point where I just had to decide I either trust him to deal with things or not. It's really freaking stressful worrying about what other people are up to when you have no influence over their behavior. The guy I'm seeing now, I do trust and so I don't question the intentions that he has in any relationship, although I've questioned theirs on occasion

I really hope, for your sake, that he cuts it off with this chick. I understand they've got this long history but my thoughts on this are who cares lol just because I've known someone for 20 years doesn't mean I need to know them for another 20 out of respect for the previous time we've spent together. People change, they move on, they grow apart. If it weren't for social networking, I would have absolutely no clue what's going on with some people I grew up with because we have nothing in common anymore This friendship with her might be one of those. In any case, it's causing you distress, and you both seem to be very committed and serious about a future together. It would be nice to have people in your lives that support both of you instead of being all shady about it

Exactly! You get me. I'm the same way about all of my old friends too, and to be honest the only people I really even hang out with is my boyfriend (and occasionally our friends), and my brothers, and my parents of course. Lol. I really don't feel like I need anyone else because they all understand me the best and they're the easiest to talk to. I do have my few friends that I'll talk to here and there if I don't think I can talk to my family or my boyfriend about something, and vice versa. I still consider them my best friends, though we don't talk as often any more. It happens. I know we've grown apart, plus people get busy with their lives.