Scared and confused

[Gingerlyme]

I really dont want to do this but i really need advice from peers that are in similar or have had similar situations. Bear with me, it’s a long post but I want to make sure I get the story right.

Me and my SO have been together for 6months. 5000miles apart. I am falling in love more and more with him every day but the feelings are unfortunately not mutual.

A month ago, he came to see me for 2weeks and the week after he left, I went on a business trip for 5days and it was filled with a lot of drinking (I didn’t do anything I wasn’t supposed to do). I posted on my facebook daily that I have been drinking nightly. (EDITED i apologize after he told me he was annoyed by it and i realized that it was unnecessary and childish of me to do that)
During the trip, we stopped texting nightly goodnight messages because of time difference. But I felt there was something wrong, when I got home I talked to him and he said the ‘posts’ annoyed him because he didn’t think it represented who I was, was unnecessary and didn’t reflect well on me. He wasn’t angry but he said that his friends were egging on that it was not good and I think the problem festered from there.

We would skype 3times weekly which includes a Friday date night with movies or games. From the time he left after his visits, we never had our Friday date nights anymore. He would replace that with hanging out with his mates (Who are great people). WE had a fantastic time together when he came, both of us were just filled with joy and happiness. I didn’t think much at first but I think I have let the matter fester for too long. I was scared and confused so I didn’t dare to text him or ask him about it. Besides no Friday date nights, the texting have just gone down to a sad amount.

So I finally put my down foot down and spoke to him about it. His answer was beyond terrfifying. “Its not good, im frustrated with the situation. You not being here with me. Me having to go out and seeing other couples just makes the frustration worse. I don’t want anyone else, I want you with me but I don’t see that happening. I have to make a decision for myself if this is worth keeping. I feel like a jackass because you are a wonderful person but i cant help it if this is how i feel"
Basically he is not that into me anymore. I am not physically unattractive, he knows that there are guys lining up to date me.
We had the talk of ‘closing the distance’. My plan was to work for 2more years and save up enough to move to him and find a job where he is because it is harder for him to leave his job and i understand that completely. But I don’t know where this is coming from. Im so scared…

I am actually going to see him next week, flying 10hours to see him for 2days on the weekend. This was planned a month before. Its crazy because his family wants to do dinner together (i have met and adore his family and the feeling is pretty mutual) and we have just arranged that after he told me how he feels. I don’t know what to think of this. I told him if he wants to break it off, do it to me in person and not patronize me.
I don’t want to lose him, it would break me. I feel like my life is in a standstill. I woudnt know what to do since we had a plan… Ive been losing a bunch of weight too. Im a small person.. im 5’0 and usually weigh 95lb/42kg but now im a miserable 86lb/39kg. I just don’t have the appetite.

What can i do to save this relationship?
I know i am at fault too. but i dont know how to save this...
Im sorry i know this is long and tedious, but those who have advice, i am all ears..

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

It sounds like it wasn't the wisest thing to post that you were out drinking every night when you were on your business trip. That apparently embarrassed him, especially when his friends started pressuring him. And, if he was already having doubts and fears, due to loneliness and other feelings after his trip to see you, that might have caused him more doubt. So the question is, what can you do to reassure him? It does sound like he really loves you, but is afraid to take the next step and commit to a long-term LDR with you. It's good that you will be seeing him soon. Maybe you and he can have a serious discussion and lay your feelings, your love, hopes, dreams, ambitions, and doubts and fears, all on the table and come to an understanding, and a plan to make it work. Or he may be one who can't handle an LDR. But you need to talk it all out with him.

Either way, you have to take care of yourself, too. Not eating is something I understand, because I lose my appetite when I am depressed, but you have to eat, and you are dangerously losing weight. Try eating your favorite foods, even ice cream or milk shakes with protein powder would be good. And find things to do that you enjoy and will keep you happy.

[Gingerlyme]

It sounds like it wasn't the wisest thing to post that you were out drinking every night when you were on your business trip. That apparently embarrassed him, especially when his friends started pressuring him. And, if he was already having doubts and fears, due to loneliness and other feelings after his trip to see you, that might have caused him more doubt. So the question is, what can you do to reassure him? It does sound like he really loves you, but is afraid to take the next step and commit to a long-term LDR with you. It's good that you will be seeing him soon. Maybe you and he can have a serious discussion and lay your feelings, your love, hopes, dreams, ambitions, and doubts and fears, all on the table and come to an understanding, and a plan to make it work. Or he may be one who can't handle an LDR. But you need to talk it all out with him.

Either way, you have to take care of yourself, too. Not eating is something I understand, because I lose my appetite when I am depressed, but you have to eat, and you are dangerously losing weight. Try eating your favorite foods, even ice cream or milk shakes with protein powder would be good. And find things to do that you enjoy and will keep you happy.

Thank you for replying so quickly. i just realized both of our SO lives down under.
I edited my post, i did apologize to him about the posts when he mentioned it. i realized it was very childish and immature of me to do that. i didnt understand then the repercussions of my actions.
He says its not the incident that spurred everything but i do believe what you said about the 'doubts and fears'. it never came up in discussion before and it just came out of nowhere with how he feels about the situation.

im just scared that the only way to be with him is to close the distance. i dont have the means to do it, i am living on my own and support myself perfectly well but i dont think i can find a good job in Aussie yet with my profession. plus Australia is so much more expensive than Japan. He loves where he is and moving away from where he is located is not up for discussion and he doesnt want to either unless theres a solid 2nd choice.

[Dezface]

I think the Facebook posts are irrelevant. Can I see how they would annoy him? Sure. But I highly doubt THAT is the catalyst to his doubt. I don't see it as he's not into you-I think he's not into the distance. Which is understandable, even though it hurts you.

The truth of it is-if he wants you, he'll have to deal with the distance. If that is an obstacle he can't or isn't willing to overcome, there's nothing you can do about that. I think you should tell him to have a think about it until you're next together so then you can talk it out in person. Then you can both know what direction you're headed in.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Yes, I have done some research on the visa process for Oz, and it's very expensive. At my age, retired and living on Social Security, there is no way I could move there, or sponsor him to come to the US. I don't have a clue when/if it will ever happen. So it looks like we are in for a long-term LDR. We haven't even met, in 4 years since we met online.

I've noticed that the International couples who are making it, and closing the distance, are all much younger than my SO and I, have more education, and have good jobs or careers, and can handle the financial aspects of moving to another country. I often feel like we met too late in life, with the deck already stacked against us.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I agree with Dez on all counts. The facebook posts, while probably not your best foot forward, likely are just something more solid that he can point to.

If he doesn't think he can handle an LDR, that sucks and it'll be hard, but it's also his prerogative. LDRs are *hard* and some people can't take the emotional toll. If that's the case, if he really can't deal with one, there's unfortunately not going to be much you can do to 'save' the relationship. I think you should suggest that you both think about it before you meet, really think about it, and then discuss whether the distance really is just going to be too much.

I think you should also try to prepare yourself in case it does end in a breakup. Don't beg him to stay or reconsider.. be gracious, and try to remember that you both deserve to be in a situation that makes you happier.

Also, you do need to eat. I know it's hard when you're stressed, but choke something down. Go out for meals with friends if you can afford it. Eat favorite foods as much as you want for now, etc.

[merlinkitty]

I think the Facebook posts are irrelevant. Can I see how they would annoy him? Sure. But I highly doubt THAT is the catalyst to his doubt. I don't see it as he's not into you-I think he's not into the distance. Which is understandable, even though it hurts you.

The truth of it is-if he wants you, he'll have to deal with the distance. If that is an obstacle he can't or isn't willing to overcome, there's nothing you can do about that. I think you should tell him to have a think about it until you're next together so then you can talk it out in person. Then you can both know what direction you're headed in.

I agree. The Facebook posts are irrelevant. It's just something he can point to and shame you over, which I don't really care for, especially when it seems to be coming from the fact that he's doubting the distance factor. He's having a personal issue and placing those personal doubts on you through guilting you over a rare moment of letting loose. You didn't do anything to be ashamed of, you just drank and had fun without him. Worse things have happened.

I'm not suggesting you throw in the towel, but I would talk with him, realistically, about what an LDR means, and if he can handle it while you both work on trying to close the distance. It's going to take time, faith, persistence, trust, and communication.

Don't beg him to stay or reconsider.. be gracious, and try to remember that you both deserve to be in a situation that makes you happier.

Also, you do need to eat. I know it's hard when you're stressed, but choke something down. Go out for meals with friends if you can afford it. Eat favorite foods as much as you want for now, etc.

Like silvermoonfairy says, talk to him, understand what he's willing to put forward for this relationship (he's going to have to make sacrifices, too), but accept what it is he's saying.

And please eat. I went through this last year and lost like 25lbs in a couple months. I would just suck it up about 7pm after not having ate all day and go pick up something, anything. I would force myself to the car, sit there for a bit. Turn it on, drive and wander for a while. Finally suck it up and buy something. I lived off cereal, frozen fruit bars, and Taco Bell for several months there, but you've gotta eat. Whatever is going on, it's not worth starving yourself over. Promise us you'll do this much? Eat something filling every day?

[Gingerlyme]

Thank you everyone. but he just broke up with me. he cant handle the distance and that he doesnt feel the same way anymore.
I will be seeing him this weekend still but only as friends, his mom still wants dinner.
I am completely heartbroken but i am telling myself that we can be friends too and that if we cant make it as a couple, at least we can support each other as friends.

to quote carrie underwood

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes, there’s good in goodbye

I cant see it now, but i hope someday down the road i can see that this makes me a stronger, better person.
I lost the love of my life, but maybe one day i can find someone else who is willing to love me...