Am I being unreasonable? :(

[Carol77]

Lately things hasn't been so great communication was getting less. We have only been 2 months apart and I'm feeling really down. Had an intense talk with boyfriend he was feeling overwhelmed. He just moved to IK for a new job. Not feeling that great bout being alone, stress of new job and other stuff getting to him. Said he 'a working on getting back on track. We don't get to spend much time to communicate due to 8hr difference in time zone. I'm trying to get a job closer to him and trying to understand his situation while I don't feel too good bout myself at the moment.

Was planning a visit but he didn't seem too excited bout it so I thought he might not be able to get days off since he just started the new job and all. He has some friends from home visiting him for the pass 2 weekends. Seems like the could easily make plans for others. But then again I tried to comfort myself that he probably can accommodate time for them since it's only weekends and he doesn't have to take time off from work.

I'm always the one who initiates text and I don't feel he puts much effort like he used to. Sometimes I feel like my effort is not worth or it goes wasted. I made some cards and handmade stuff to send it to him for his birthday. It arrived a week early and all he said was "got your package". I was hoping it could cheer him up at least but I don't hear anything else. So I said "hope you like the stuff". Then all he said was "can I open it today?" Then I don't get any other response after that. Could it be that he wants to wait for the actual day to open it? I don't want to ask more because I don't want to feel like I'm expecting something from him but it does makes me sad considering the effort and time I put into it. I was so excited checking all the time to track if he has received it.

When I told him that I'm not too happy with how things are going, he doesn't say much. He only says he's going through a rough period. Why doesn't he talk to me about it? When I'm sad I want to talk to him but he's always so busy at work. And when we talk bout the lack of communication he starts to feel that he is not good enough for me. I just feel really down at the moment, has anyone experienced the same? Am I expecting too much in this?

[bubblehits]

From my own experience guys find it harder to talk about the problems they are going through than we are.
The same with me, I'm the one that initiates the messages between me and the SO and we talk and sometimes all i get are one word answers like he hasn't even listened to what I've said. So I understand your frustration.

My SO has also recently moved, since he nearly became homeless he has gone to a cheaper place and he doesn't have a job at the moment. There is a 5 hour time difference between us but at the moment his sleeping pattern is all over the place. 3 or 4 days can go by where we hardly talk at all, but I always try and leave him messages. Sometimes I ask him to reply just so I know he is still there. Most of the time I just say random things that I've been doing during the day.

When both of us are feeling down, I compliment him, tell him things are going to be okay. Granted I don't really get them back a lot of the time but I feel better if it cheers him up a little.

I feel that for the time being you should keep at it, keep messaging him, ask how he is doing. Maybe leave a few messages and ask him to get back to you (you might already be doing this, so if this is useless information sorry, apparently I'm not the best at advice)

We all know, LDRs are difficult but keep strong, I think you can work it out. Fingers crossed.

[Zephyr]

I am so sorry and I don't think you are expecting too much, but might need to pull the reins back a little. You seem to be making a huge effort with not a lot in return. LDR's are hard sometimes and the communication piece is key, so I can see why you are so frustrated.
It does seem to me that he is going through a little bit of a rough patch, with a new job and being alone in a new place. My SO and I recently ended things for a bit (not saying that will happen to you at all!) but, in my experience our communication did begin to lack when we both began to have stress in our life. It is frustrating though because you would think at times like that you would want to pull those you love closer to you. It seems like he is pushing you away, as my SO did with me. I reacted exactly like you though and was almost over communicating with texts and emails because I wanted him to know that I was there for him, like I am sure you do as well.
It makes me also wonder about his mental state when he says he is not good enough for you. He might have low self esteem and need to work on himself in order to have more confidence and be a better communicator and partner for you.
I believe he knows that you are there for him whenever he needs you to be because of all the communication on your part, so as hard as it might seem, I would pull back just a little. Maybe just send him good morning and good night texts (if you don't already) so he know you are thinking about him. Don't think that what you have done so far is wasted though. He might not know how to say thank you right now because of the state of mind he is in. He will come to you when he is ready.
Hope that helps a little and good luck!! I do hope it all works out.

[silvermoonfairy3]

It arrived a week early and all he said was "got your package". I was hoping it could cheer him up at least but I don't hear anything else. So I said "hope you like the stuff". Then all he said was "can I open it today?" Then I don't get any other response after that. Could it be that he wants to wait for the actual day to open it? I don't want to ask more because I don't want to feel like I'm expecting something from him but it does makes me sad considering the effort and time I put into it. I was so excited checking all the time to track if he has received it.

I don't quite get the point of this story?
Did you write back and tell him yes, he could open it that day?
Since it arrived early, he was waiting for direction from you on whether he could open it then or if he had to wait for his birthday to open it. Did you tell him he could, or did you ask him to wait?

[80anthea]

Communication is the key to surviving a LDR, if you don't have that now then how do you propose to deal with any kind of problem. He may have issues talking to you about things but he needs to find a way of doing so. It's a myth that no man can communicate! If he's not happy talking in person then what is stopping him writing things down to start with? If you can't communicate then I don't think you can expect a relationship to survive.

[merlinkitty]

Why doesn't he talk to me about it?

Have you asked him why he doesn't talk to you about it? If he's a typical guy, he's not going to be all warm and cuddly when he's feeling like crap either. Maybe offer up to him that he can talk to you if he needs to, no judgment zone style, but regardless you're there for him You can't force him to open up, but I understand your frustration.

I was almost in the exact same position as bubblehits with my SO last year. The only detail that would need to be changed is the time difference. And I did what she did as well. It was frustrating as all get out. Sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for over a week. I would message him a frowny face and let him know how much his emotional distance was hurting my feelings. (In fact, he's about to get another one of those in the next few days if he keeps up his sparseness of the past week.) He would apologize and talk briefly and then disappear into the ether again. Eventually he opened up and told me what was going on with him, but I didn't expect it of him. I just tried to be there for him regardless. Like bubblehits says, keep strong and hang in there. I think you can get through this rough patch

From my own experience guys find it harder to talk about the problems they are going through than we are.
The same with me, I'm the one that initiates the messages between me and the SO and we talk and sometimes all i get are one word answers like he hasn't even listened to what I've said. So I understand your frustration.

My SO has also recently moved, since he nearly became homeless he has gone to a cheaper place and he doesn't have a job at the moment. There is a 5 hour time difference between us but at the moment his sleeping pattern is all over the place. 3 or 4 days can go by where we hardly talk at all, but I always try and leave him messages. Sometimes I ask him to reply just so I know he is still there. Most of the time I just say random things that I've been doing during the day.

When both of us are feeling down, I compliment him, tell him things are going to be okay. Granted I don't really get them back a lot of the time but I feel better if it cheers him up a little.

I feel that for the time being you should keep at it, keep messaging him, ask how he is doing. Maybe leave a few messages and ask him to get back to you (you might already be doing this, so if this is useless information sorry, apparently I'm not the best at advice)

We all know, LDRs are difficult but keep strong, I think you can work it out. Fingers crossed.

I think this is wonderful advice and I totally agree and sympathize, bubblehits. We've been going through a similar dilemma. It's so hard for me because I have the roof, I have the internet, I have the resources that could make his life so much easier and allow him to get over this hump in his life, but due to the international issue, it makes it rather impossible. I'm just grateful he allows me to be there for him in any way that I can be

[iamj]

as a guy, I would suggest flexibility and patience. When i'm down and overwhelmed it's easy for my SO to add stress when she's wants to talk because I feel pressured to give her some of my already very limited time.

I think it's also harder for men to open up because we often feel a social pressure to always be on top of things; and opening up with a problem is a clear sign that we're not in control anymore

[bubblehits]

I think this is wonderful advice and I totally agree and sympathize, bubblehits. We've been going through a similar dilemma. It's so hard for me because I have the roof, I have the internet, I have the resources that could make his life so much easier and allow him to get over this hump in his life, but due to the international issue, it makes it rather impossible. I'm just grateful he allows me to be there for him in any way that I can be

I've felt exactly the same. The whole time he has been going through this I've had it in my head that if he was here I could help him. I have money, we have jobs around, we have food and the internet and although I live with 4 other people I have a roof but there is nothing I can do to make the situation easier being international. I occasionally do the one thing, every single person tells me not to do and I give him money for a pizza on his really really low days or I before he managed to get food stamps I would send him a little bit of money so he could get food.