dealing with negative comments

[whatruckus]

I just found out yesterday something that surprised me. One of my friends, who was one of my worst judges, said she was mad at me because I was doing what I wanted to, regardless of what people think, and she felt gypped because she lost someone because she let everyone talk her out of it. Basically, she was jealous, and mad at herself for not standing up to the naysayers in her life.

That's usually what naysayers are really about. :/

[standingoutsidethefire]

Yeah, this one particular person who seems to be critical of my relationship, and always has a way of managing to put doubts in mind is not in a great relationship. To be honest, my relationship is far better, and a lot more healthy than this persons close distance relationship. I often wonder if it's just jealousy.

[Moon]

I think everyone should try looking at this through their friend's and family's perspective, it isn't usually jealousy, that gets thrown around a lot, and who in their right mind would be jealous of an LDR? Anyway, an LDR is a bit of an unconventional relationship, and most people don't understand them. Some will just be curious and ask a ton of questions, which is great and should be encouraged. Some will always be skeptical, because it's not a relationship type they could be in themselves and don't understand. Also, there's so much misinformation floating around, and not to mention all the horror stories posted everywhere and made into shitty Lifetime movies, so you have to understand that this is what people think an LDR is about. If you want to show people LDR's are genuine relationships just as meaningful and relevant as a CD relationship, you need to stop getting angry and lead by example.

Granted, some people are just assholes.

Remember that many of the skeptics you face are the people who love you the most and are truly concerned for your well-being. Don't get mad, change their perception. Everyone here likes to go on and on about how communication is key, but forgets that that also works with others besides SO's. Talk to people, show them how well your LDR is going, and in time, the majority of the skeptics will be won over. Is it frustrating? Yeah, it is, but by staying calm and being patient, you have the power to change a lot of minds.

[Unconditional]

I think everyone should try looking at this through their friend's and family's perspective, it isn't usually jealousy, that gets thrown around a lot, and who in their right mind would be jealous of an LDR? Anyway, an LDR is a bit of an unconventional relationship, and most people don't understand them. Some will just be curious and ask a ton of questions, which is great and should be encouraged. Some will always be skeptical, because it's not a relationship type they could be in themselves and don't understand. Also, there's so much misinformation floating around, and not to mention all the horror stories posted everywhere and made into shitty Lifetime movies, so you have to understand that this is what people think an LDR is about. If you want to show people LDR's are genuine relationships just as meaningful and relevant as a CD relationship, you need to stop getting angry and lead by example.

Granted, some people are just assholes.

Remember that many of the skeptics you face are the people who love you the most and are truly concerned for your well-being. Don't get mad, change their perception. Everyone here likes to go on and on about how communication is key, but forgets that that also works with others besides SO's. Talk to people, show them how well your LDR is going, and in time, the majority of the skeptics will be won over. Is it frustrating? Yeah, it is, but by staying calm and being patient, you have the power to change a lot of minds.

I agree with you, however, some people are just too stuck in their ways of being cynical and negative about the LDR. Especially when it's relatively new and the couple hasn't met yet. I can understand the families and friends concerns, because they are real concerns, but there's a time when they get too vocal on their concerns, and you just have to ignore them because you know they don't know anything about the relationship other than you're in one.
Moon is right though, if we don't like their perspective, try to change it but showing how happy you are, and how good it is working out for you two.

[merlinkitty]

It's not really a Dr. Seuss quote, but you get the point. I just got done the other day with a conversation with my mother who was expressing her concern (over a cup of coffee ). She's worried about me. I get it. But the whole conversation was doing one of two things. Either pointing out every reason to me why an LDR won't work, or showing me through past history (hers, mine, and anyone else she wanted to use for the purpose) that I can't know what I should want out of a mate. Both of these ideas are insulting to me, that I might not have learned from my own history what it is I do and do not want. She completed this by trying to extract a promise from me not to go visit him first. I just can't make that promise and keep it.

There are always going to be negative people doing what it is they do best. The hardest for me is when it's people that are closest to me, that I feel I should trust. With my mom, I've just had to realize I love her, but I'm not her.

Yeah, this one particular person who seems to be critical of my relationship, and always has a way of managing to put doubts in mind is not in a great relationship. To be honest, my relationship is far better, and a lot more healthy than this persons close distance relationship.

You may be right, that this is borne of jealousy. It might be other reasons, as well. But I think you said something telling here, that your "relationship is far better, and a lot more healthy than this persons close distance relationship." It kind of puts this in perspective for me that you're confident in your relationship with your SO, but not this person. I guess just keep that in mind and take it with a grain of salt as best you can

[ldrxoxo]

Some people think they know the "relationship" better than the people who are actually in it and that's where they go wrong. I'd just ignore some people. You can't change the way people want to come off. Sometimes being realistic is helpful but it is also good to encourage someone to be hopeful because that is what they would want if they were in that situation. I'm sure they wouldn't like people telling them nasty things about their long distance.

[darkenchantress]

I've had sooo many issue with this too. However, being a girl that likes tattoos and piercings on me, and the BF has some too, I knew that even if he had lived here, my family would object (family is hyper-oldschool religious) So for me, knowing that they probably wouldn't be cool with it anyways, helped me deal with it when they started raging about how stupid I was and how you never really know someone when your relationship is online, etc etc.

That being said, I will also say that my friends and family that I thought had the best chance of being supportive are the ones I told first. I think knowing that someone has your back helps with all the people trying to put you down. I know most of them mean well, and aren't trying to sound pessimistic, but it sure can seem hurtful when they're ridiculing this person you've spent so much time and energy starting a relationship with.

[differentcountries]

People are afraid, and respond by being a little sceptical, which is easy to feel as hostile. Here are some comments from good friends in the poly community;

"Well, if you LIKE to being picked up like that"
"I supposed there is not much sex to be had over such distance?"
"You sure know how to pick them!" (reffering to SO as well the unsuitable person I used to be in love with)
"Are you aware that Turks tend to want to marry Norwegians for money? That happened to my aunt"
"At least he is not a drug addict"

Not exactly the kind of support I wanted. Still, I guess that they are trying to say is something like: "We love you. We don't want to see you hurt. We don't understand how you manage such a relationship. We want you to be safe and loved". Now people have asked to see him, or see pictures, which is a good sign (but remember they are not in love with him, so don't expect them to be amazed just by the sight of him )

[standingoutsidethefire]

Well, aside from the general negativity, it doesn't' help my SO was suppose to visit me for the first time this month, but backed out due fears/doubts/trust issues that he wants to get past before coming over. And, he doesn't want me to go visit him first, although I am able to, because again, he wants to get himself back to "normal", and still insists that he should be the first to go because "he's the man". So, on top of people thinking the relationship is a joke, that I'm being led on, and being told that I should just show up in England because "he's obviously hiding something from me"...and the embarrassment that comes from telling everyone "yes he's coming!" only to say "no, he's not, and we don't have an idea as to when he will" really sucks.

[whatruckus]

Well, aside from the general negativity, it doesn't' help my SO was suppose to visit me for the first time this month, but backed out due fears/doubts/trust issues that he wants to get past before coming over. And, he doesn't want me to go visit him first, although I am able to, because again, he wants to get himself back to "normal", and still insists that he should be the first to go because "he's the man". So, on top of people thinking the relationship is a joke, that I'm being led on, and being told that I should just show up in England because "he's obviously hiding something from me"...and the embarrassment that comes from telling everyone "yes he's coming!" only to say "no, he's not, and we don't have an idea as to when he will" really sucks.

I hear ya. For a long time my boyfriend didn't come and visit me, and our distance is nothing compared to everyone else's. A measly hour and a half - 2 hour drive. No one believed me that it was because his car sucked (because well, it did...170+k miles on it, 2001 Hyundai Sante Fe), plus his job at the time required him to use his car daily, so if something happened to his car, he wouldn't be able to work. He was a courier.

Welp, finally after almost 6 months of us dating, he came up here. Unfortunately, that still didn't settle my family's thoughts of him, though it did settle my friends'. Since then he's only been up here 2 more times, once for my brother's wedding and another for our anniversary (these times he took a train). We're hoping that since he has a new, better job...er career (PA state prison corrections officer), I should say, and a new car, he'll be able to come up more. Still hasn't happened though, now he's telling me he's intent on coming up when he has at least 3 days in a row off (which should be within the next month or two because of his schedule). But, the first thing my dad said to me when I told him my boyfriend got a new car, "So he'll come up here and you'll stop going down there?" It's frustrating, believe me.

But, that's how people are. There's always going to be someone putting a damper on something in your life. May it be your career, lifestyle, or your relationship. You can't please everyone. I know it's hard, but you're just going to have to try and ignore them. I know it's frustrating. I'm still trying to block my family's opinions out, but they've never been supportive of me in anything I do. Sometimes I do think it could be out of jealousy, in regards to my family, we're very dysfunctional. Parents hate each other, actually despise is a better word, but they're still married living in the same house. All 3 of us kids are messed up because of them. They're not supportive in anything we kids do.

Something one of our friends said to him was that "we make having a LDR look easy." I'm not sure what that means. We put the time and effort into talking every day, and seeing each other every weekend. In my opinion, it should be the same amount in both a CD and LDR.

[Miasmata]

I'm very lucky that I haven't had to deal with any major negativity. I honestly didn't expect everyone to be THIS supportive - I know LDRs are a tough situation and a touchy subject for some, but even friends of mine that were in LDRs before and didn't have it work out for them were more happy for me than concerned. I suppose it means that they trust my judgement in people and my skills to make this work more than I thought. It's very humbling

Not even my SO's parents were majorly negative, and I was really worried they would be since not only am I my SO's first partner, but I'm also outside of their religious community and cultural circle. Even though my SO doesn't partake in it anymore, they still hoped dearly that he would go with a girl from their community. When they heard it wasn't, and he met his lady online to boot, they were wary (and feared I was going to commit marriage fraud). Thankfully, a Skype call cleared that up and made things considerably better. When my SO's mom saw that I was genuine and quite harmless, she was much more supportive of our relationship. As much as I disagree with my SO's parents on a lot of things, I'm incredibly thankful they are letting us have this undisturbed.

I think what's very important to keep in mind is that most people are not intentionally being malicious when they voice concerns. As people said in this thread before, LDRs are a pretty unconventional form of relationship, and not one for everyone. It's a very daunting task to make it work, and thus "outsiders" fear we are investing a lot of energy and money into something that will only hurt us in the long run. It's definitely important to stay strong and do your thing when you know it's the right one, but few people actually want to hurt you when they are being critical. Acknowledge them, but also tell them that you made up your mind, and that you are old enough to pursue what you want. Accepting and respecting criticism doesn't mean you have to agree with it or act on it. Set boundaries.