Feeling Conflicted

[GuineaPunk]

Hi all, I'm hoping that you can offer an outside perspective, and was also wondering if anyone had been through the same sort of feelings?

I see that the vast majority of you on here, across the whole age spectrum, seem to absolutely whole-heartedly look forward to closing the distance with a passionate fervour. Here's the problem. While we're not in a position to close the distance at this moment in time, it is getting closer and closer to his first visit here, and I'm starting to wonder more and more whether I am ready for such a serious relationship.

This isn't a wholly new feeling, I initially shut it off as a holiday romance. I am very fortunate that I have a vast amount of opportunities available to me at the moment in the land of education and work. Plus I have been saving money for near on six years now to enable me to do some pretty intensive travel (the trip where I met my guy was a starter to make sure that sort of travel was for me.) I knew that my mind would be pulled elsewhere, constantly seeking new experiences and opportunities. But we hit it off so spectacularly, we couldn't not keep in contact with each other. And I eventually agreed that we would do one visit each, and then discuss where we go from there, it felt like a fair thing to do at the time as we are both so crazy about each other.

He on the other hand is very home-y. He wants nothing more than to close the distance as soon as possible, then get married and pregnant as soon as possible! When I mentioned my doubts to him when I was there with him, he just shook his head and said that the only thing he knows is that we love each other. Which while very sweet, I got the impression that the conversation would not get much further than that. I would like to talk to him about these things further before he gets here, but our crappy international phone line doesn't really allow for such in-depth conversations.

It's not that I don't want those things, or that I don't want them with him. I am in no doubt of the strength of my feelings for him. I just feel that I met him at precisely the wrong time in my life. Sometimes I feel like I should just cut the strings and let him go as it would be fairer on the both of us. My heart would break to lose him, but I fear resenting him later in life for missed opportunities. Plus he is an absolute diamond, and would soon find someone else to lead a happy life with, I have no doubt of that.

I was wondering if anyone else had ever felt conflicted in the same way, and how you resolved it (or didn't)? Am I simply being greedy??

[differentcountries]

I don't see why, if you close the distance, you cant travel. Is he opposed to travelling? One can even travel with kids. There is no such thing as the wrong time in your life, it is a matter of being creative when you share a life.

[Hollandia]

I don't think this is a LDR thing only, this happens all the time in CD too. You feel you are not ready, then you just might not be. If both partners don't want the same thing then you need to talk about that. I think you need to be honest with yourself and decide what you want and then talk to your SO about his feelings on the matter. You are still quite young and there is no rush to marry if you don't want and certainly no reason to jump into having children. The LDR does make that seem like you need to, but one thing me and my SO have always agreed on, is you don't rush life time milestones in order to close the distance and we are plenty of years past 22. You should never marry for any reason except one...........you want to get married. You have plenty of years before you need to start thinking about children if you are not ready, and please don't do it just because that is what he wants.

I don't know how much you are really concerned about the travel but yes, kids do change that, unless you have unlimited funds. Intensive travel with children is easier said than done. I have done it with my daughter a bit when she was 2,5,7,9 and 14. It is completely different than going without children (which I have also done). It is great fun but it is great family fun. If you want to go to the great Pyramids, The Coliseum, a Safari or the Canals of Venice ...etc with the masses, leave the little kids at home. Three year olds do not appreciate it and you will most likely not enjoy it all that much yourself. I have scene countless screaming little Johnnies and Janies at very inappropriate places with a mortified mom and dad trying in vain to calm the poor tired miserable toddler, tween or sometimes teen. Unless you are rich and can afford a nanny to watch the kids while you and spouse pop out to a real night on the town in Paris or an adult night at the Opera in NYC, then you will most likely end up with cruises and resorts that offer babysitting or asking a relative to watch them while you go.

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but these are huge life choices you are debating and a marriage can be ended but a child is forever. People that jump into these steps before they want to seldom end up celebrating their golden anniversary. It would be so much nicer to take the time together to see some of the world before you jump into full blown domestic responsibilities of babies, then school, and after school activities and play dates and summer camps and oh so many many many many other things that having children comes with. If you want this path at this point in your life at your age then by all means do it and be happy but if you don't, then push it off until you are or you could end up miserable and resent both him or your kids for putting you there.

If his phone line is bad, can you use Skype to talk instead? You don't even need a web cam you could just do voice chat if you wanted.

[squeeker]

I think you need to have a proper conversation with him..though that sucks about a poor phone line.. would it be easier to type a message? Then you could organize your thoughts and reread it as much as you can to try and get your point across?

In my opinion, it is better to wait and delay milestones than do them before you are ready for them. As much as my boyfriend and I want to close the distance right away, we want to do it properly.. we might end up using the Fiance and/or Spouse visa to close the distance but it's because we know we want to get married, we have been together 4 years in September and it will be even longer by the time we close the distance. We both know we can't handle a baby until we are in good financial positions and closed distance, which puts that a few years ahead anyway.

I think if you don't feel ready, then LDR or not, you aren't ready.. doesn't mean you don't love him.. I think maybe you could plan more visits first before you commit to marriage? And as the others said, you should be able to travel when you are married as well.. the only thing is paying for two tickets for things instead of one. But it would be nice to travel with the one who you love. Travelling with kids would have to include more considerations.

I hope your SO can understand this all. Is he a lot older than you ? Because then that might explain more of why he feels he wants to close the distance ASAP. It takes a lot to close the distance internationally, so you want to make sure you both are on the same page about things. If you can't come to an option you both like, then it might not be the right relationship for you as hard as that is to think about. I hope for the best for you two though, that you can come to a conclusion that you both like.

[whatruckus]

You should really talk to him in depth about your concerns. He shouldn't really be trying to put pressure on you to get married and close the distance if you're not ready, nor should he prevent you from doing what you would like to do: travel. If you're not ready, you're not ready. You can't force yourself to feel ready, neither can you force him to do something either.

My boyfriend and I have talked about it, and we definitely want to close the distance first before we get engaged/married. We both agreed that we want to live with each other for a bit first. This, in itself, won't happen for at least 3 or more years (possibly sooner if I decided to transfer schools). Neither of us are financially stable at the moment, and neither of us have our own place. But, we recognize this and somewhat have a plan, and are on the same page.

I think you guys just really need to talk it out. :/ I agree with Hollandia on Skype though, have you tried it??

[GuineaPunk]

Hi all, thank you for your responses.

Firstly unfortunately Skype isn't an option, as he has no internet access where he lives. Equally we can't have a text conversation as he can't afford the international texting fees, he only texts me when he can't bear not to anymore. We can't even use snail mail due to the expense, it cost me £95 ($160) to send him supporting documents for his visitor visa and then he had to pick it up himself from the postal depot in Nairobi airport because he doesn't have a postal address. So we're stuck with my crackly calling card for about an hour a week. Unless of course, anyone has alternative ideas!!

squeeker, you asked his age. We are only a few months apart in age. His desire to create this family unit is very much a cultural one, many of his friends both our age and younger are already married with at least one baby already in the cradle. At first I thought maybe he was telling me that to wind me up a bit, but I asked his male friends when he took me to the bars, and I asked the women of the village how usual it is. And they all said it was perfectly normal. The grandparents and elderly aunts and uncles came from far and wide to give us their blessing and a desire that God gives us many children. It is very usual to marry young in rural Kenya, they don't spend much time dating. When I went and stayed with him in his village, the other people there assumed that we were married as I was sleeping in his little place with him. He has received a lot of mocking since I have come back home, because they think his 'wife' has left him. I would imagine it is a little different in the larger towns and cities, but not so where he lives. I was the first Westerner to ever stay in that village.

I'm sorry if I gave the impression that he is pressuring me into marriage or children, because that is not the case. He is just very transparent, and isn't shy in saying what he wants in life, which is brilliant. Most of the pressure is coming from myself kind of on his behalf, because I don't want to hold him back from what he really wants just because I'm not ready for that yet. He asked me to marry him when I was there, twice no less, and I said no both times because we didn't know each other well enough yet. He found it a little strange, but accepted the rejections with good grace and said that he understood I was from a different culture from him and would be patient. I'm certainly not the sort of person to be pushed into anything I'm not ready for, particularly children. Apart from anything, to gain citizenship here you need to have lived and worked here for at least ten years, I don't relish the idea of having children knowing full well that their Dad has the ever present threat of not gaining citizenship and being deported.

Hollandia, you are not being harsh at all, you've simply listed the realistic things that have been running around my head. Travel is very important for me, and whether anyone likes it or not, that is limited by children. I remember being dragged around places I was not interested in when I was a little kid, and I certainly wouldn't want to do that to any future children. You certainly can't drag children up Machu Picchu or through the Amazon rainforest! And no, I'm not sure that my boyfriend is that interested in travel differentcountries. He's really not bothered about coming here to the UK, apart from the fact that I am here, and I insisted that I would not embark on a relationship where the other half hasn't even met my parents. I do however often wonder whether this lack of interest is purely down to lack of knowledge, as he might find he rather likes the experience coming here.

I do totally agree that it needs to be discussed with him, and if push comes to shove, I am not scared to let the relationship go if it doesn't look like there is a middle ground that would make us both happy. It would break both our hearts, but we are both young and have many years in which to find someone else. But I would really like to have that discussion when he comes to visit me here, partly because I think him seeing and understanding how I live my life here will help him understand my point of view. At the moment, he only knows how people do things there, his mind might suddenly light up with all sorts of possibilities if he comes here. But I'm going to ask one more question, do you think that is dangling the carrot a bit?

[Miasmata]

No, I think it's reasonable to want him to see both sides before discussing what you two want. You both need to be as educated about your possibilities and wishes as possible before you commit to anything. Do this as you see fit - I personally get the impression that you are having very reasonable thoughts on this and want to do what's best for both of you. I really hope things work out for you two