Whats wrong with me!

[Elli]

Hello everyone!

A while ago I made a post about my jealousy issues. My boyfriend was hanging out alot with a girl who told him that she liked him more than friends. He didn't stop hanging out with her and let her be quite flirty without telling her to stop. He told her that he is not interested and that he has a girlfriend though. Nothing happened between them and they aren't as close anymore.
But my jealousy is not gone.

Since he was spending so much time with her and other (many of them female) friends I get really upset everytime he goes out. It doesn't matter whether it is a party, watching football or rugby or just hanging out during the day. Whenever he tells me that he is going out or that he will go out in a few days I get upset. Mostly I'm even crying while he is out and get really depressed.
I can't tell him "have fun" and mean it. I feel awful and very unfair!

I'm a rather rational person so I'm trying to understand what goes on in my mind.
There are a few things I noticed about my own feelings and thoughts.

1. I'm scared that he might meet someone or realises that one of his female friends is really great. And since they live in the same country it would be sooo much easier to have a happy relationship. I'm so scared of losing him all the time. What can I do about this? He doesn't give me reasons for worrying but I still do I know I have to work on my own self-esteem, it has never been very high. But it is so hard.

2. I'm envious that all his friends can have a great time with him while I can't. I love having fun with him and when I know that he has fun without me I get so sad. I just want to be there and be a part of those great times. I'm scared that he makes amazing memories and I'm not in them. It sounds silly when I say that.

3. I'm sad because when I visit him or he visits me we don't do those things. We don't go out, there's never a big party when i'm there or he isn't in the mood to go out. When I'm not there he seems so much more active and into going out. Maybe it is because he doesn't want to "waste" the little time we have with going out, but I don't know.

There is nothing that he is doing wrong. He should be able to go out and have fun. It's all me I don't want to be an unfair girlfriend who gives him a hard time when he is meeting his friends.
But I don't know how I can work on that. How can I be okay with sharing him? How can I not get depressed and sad everytime he has a good time without me?

I sound terribly mean. But maybe some of you can understand my feelings or had them before!

[Hollandia]

You just have to learn to trust him, or that will be the thing that will take him away and not some other girl. People that cheat can do it when you are in the same bed with rings around your fingers and babies in a crib in the next room. Have faith in the person that you love that he would never cheat whether you are 2 feet, 200 yards or 10,000 miles away from you. If you don't trust him then it will drive you crazy, create fights and destroy your relationship. If he loves you and he is the man you think he is, this is not as hard as you think it might be. Each time a doubt raises up in your head, just tell yourself, that you are being ridiculous because this is your SO and not just some loser that would do something like that to you.

[standingoutsidethefire]

1. I'm scared that he might meet someone or realises that one of his female friends is really great. And since they live in the same country it would be sooo much easier to have a happy relationship. I'm so scared of losing him all the time. What can I do about this? He doesn't give me reasons for worrying but I still do I know I have to work on my own self-esteem, it has never been very high. But it is so hard.

This is a very real fear. I have a friend who was in a LDR and her guy ended up meeting someone local. I use to worry about the same thing, however I look at it this way. That same scenario could happen in a close distance relationship. Sure, you can't be there for him in the ways you want, or should be. But you can't control the distance, and if you could, you'd be together in a heartbeat. Just like I would be with my SO if I could just drop everything and go 5,000 miles away. If he truly loves you, and he's serious about making it work, he won't be interested in being with anyone else. Of course, there's the chance he may one day become unhappy with the situation and realize he wants something more 'normal', but you could end up feeling the same way one day. I won't ever blame my SO if he decides he doesn't want to do this anymore because of the distance. Because I know how difficult it is on the both of us. And I love him enough that, if what would truly make him happy is to meet someone closer to him, then I have to be strong enough to let him go and be happy. Because at the end of the day, I love him enough to let him go, even if that means I end up feeling hurt.

2. I'm envious that all his friends can have a great time with him while I can't. I love having fun with him and when I know that he has fun without me I get so sad. I just want to be there and be a part of those great times. I'm scared that he makes amazing memories and I'm not in them. It sounds silly when I say that.

I know how this feels. I told my SO I am jealous of all the people who get to be a part of his life. It's hard to not feel like you're just on the side watching everything. But trust me, he wants you to be there with him just as much. He probably goes out and thinks about you, and how much more fun he would be having if you were by his side.

3. I'm sad because when I visit him or he visits me we don't do those things. We don't go out, there's never a big party when i'm there or he isn't in the mood to go out. When I'm not there he seems so much more active and into going out. Maybe it is because he doesn't want to "waste" the little time we have with going out, but I don't know.

You should tell him this, let him know you want to go out and do more things with him when together. I would be upset too if all I did was sit around. The time you get is precious, you have to spend it making memories together.

How can I be okay with sharing him? How can I not get depressed and sad everytime he has a good time without me?

Learn to trust him, accept that he has to have a social life and that it's not going to include you. Not because he doesn't want it to, he more than likely does! But, it's because of the distance that you can't be included. Work on your own social life, spend time with friends, go out and do more, so you don't feel like you're just watching him live his life. You have a life too!

[differentcountries]

Yes, people sometimes fall for their friends. Still, it is you he is with. If you spend your time worrying about that he will look elsewhere, you are stealing time from your relationship that you could have used to text him, Skype with him, making him gifts, planning fun stuff for the two of you to do together. Also, I suspect you are stealing time that you could have used to be with YOUR friends - because if you lead a busy life you simply don't have much time to think about what the other person might be doing.

Then, lastly; I totally undestand that you want to do fun stuff when you are with him! But since he lives such an active life when you are away, it makes totall sense he wants to spend quiet time with you. Still, you can have quiet time and still go out, for instance for a nice dinner, a pastry on the corner, a visit to the cinema and so on. If you think about what you want to do, you can start "selling" it to him by convincing him it is important to you and that it would benifit your relationship. This could also be a way for you to work on your self esteem issues. Also, if you spend some time with his friends together while you are there, it might become easier to "share" him because then you will know them and trust them to take good care of your SO while you are away.

[merlinkitty]

There is nothing that he is doing wrong. He should be able to go out and have fun. It's all me

Have you told him any of this? Don't be afraid of your feelings I've got self esteem issues, as well, and I know how you feel It's an awful feeling. It really makes you feel like you're the worst person on earth, a horrible human being, but you're really not You're just struggling with some nasty emotions that you need help assuaging.

I don't agree that this is all you. I don't think he's doing anything wrong, either, but maybe he can some something a little different to help you Let him know, in the easiest way for you to do it (I would end up writing him a dissertation myself that he can read at his leisure cause I'm chicken like that lol). Tell him you know he's not to blame or anything, but you need help feeling more confident about yourself because it's affecting you in some really negative ways, and could impact on your relationship with him and you don't want that Tell him what you want him to do to help you. If that means going out when you're together, let him know this. If you want more information about what he did while he was out, ask him for this. For me, being included in this way translates now into trust I figure the more he's willing to share, the less I'm in the dark about what's going on, the less I can imagine and make up in my own mind, and the more I can see that he does care and trust me enough to let me in on his life in this way.

This will have to be a discussion between the two of you, and I wouldn't give up and toss in the towel when the conversation gets hard and embarrassing, as I'm sure from experience it will I have another two suggestions for you to work on as well. I find I do my worst damage by an idle mind and idle time. Try and find things to do that keep you busy. That way you're not at home stressed about what he's up to when you're not around. You don't want him to give up his social life, and you shouldn't give up on yours either This will help keep a nice balance in your relationship The other thing is really do try and let go of the worry. It's not doing any good. I can make up a zillion hypothetical situations in my mind that never have and never will occur. The only thing I've done is worked myself up into a frenzy for no reason.

But I really would talk to him about it you never know, he might take it as a compliment

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Do what you can to keep yourself front and center in his mind. Make your relationship top priority. I used to worry, gripe and complain that I was at the bottom of his list, and that I got whatever was left over after his world, his job, his family and friends, etc. got him. And that made me jealous and insecure. But then I started noticing and appreciating how much he does try to include me in his life, with chatting almost every day, Skyping at least once a month, and sending photos of where he is and what he is doing. What really made me realize how important I am to him, and how much I am on his mind, is that he texts me even when he is out. He's texted me in the middle of a movie, at half-time at the football, on a lunch break, even when out shopping at the mall. And we started a new tradition that I hope we can keep up, keeping a photo journal of our day.

It's just a fact of life in an LDR that we are living separate lives, thousands of miles away, in our case, opposite sides of the Equator on different continents. The 15 hour time difference can make it really difficult sometimes, but we do what we can, even if we often sacrifice sleep. I can't expect him to give up his very active lifestyle, and he wants me to get more active in mine. The happier and busier I am, the happier he is. Besides, when we are both busy and happy, we have more to talk about, and more to share. And that makes it more fun.

You need to talk to your SO and tell him what you need, within reason. And you need to find ways to keep yourself busy and happy, and stay in the moment, and stop worrying. It's been a lesson I have had to learn, and am still working on, but it is doable. Mainly, I had to change my own perspective on things, and appreciate what we have more.