Is this really "closing the distance"?

[kmarie1293]

So my boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and a half. Originally we are only 3 hours apart, but for 7months out of the year we up that distance to 19 hours apart because of his job working on boats. This is the 2nd season we are going through together and I knew this one wasn't going to be any easier than the last.

This type of work is what my boyfriend wants to do as a career, and I am more than supportive of that, and obviously we have discussed moving down to where he is once we are married and everything which I am definitely open to doing so because I know its what he wants. However he doesn't see it that way, because obviously I have my own apprehensions about it, especially with it being so far in the future (I have at least 2 years of school left and a year to find a stable job and be on my own for a little bit) and I do express my concerns to him, and he and I both know me moving 19hours away from everything I've ever known is not my first choice, but I am open to it without a doubt. However, often times he 100% makes me feel like in the end, I have no other option, as if he wouldn't be willing to adjust to my dreams like I am his, but he gets upset that I am not already dead set on making me moving down there a concrete plan. I understand he obviously has established himself more, with me still being in college, but does that mean that I don't get any choice? I've already sacrificed a lot and I am willing to sacrifice a lot more (including making the move), but I don't get that same feeling from him...I feel like since I make sure he knows I am willing to make all these changes to my plan, that feeling should be reciprocated by him. Right?

And also, one of my biggest apprehensions about agreeing to move is whether or not me moving down there even really counts as "closing the distance" because whether I'm down there or not, he's still on the boat 5 days out of the week, during which I will be by myself regardless because I wouldn't know anyone else down there. Advice?

[differentcountries]

Of course you have a choice. What are your other options? I guess if you move down there you will have to work hard to get a social life, since he will not be there most of the time to ease you in.

[Cristiana]

A question comes to my mind. Is it there at 19 hours apart the only place he can do that job?

It's really nice that you care about his career and his wishes, but he should care about you too, and to me compromises are always the best choice.
Is there any way to make a compromise? For ex. he doing his job less distant?
What does he say regard your probable social life and loneliness there?

[Noodle]

Yeah, I've been in relationships that were rather one sided, with me making all the sacrifices and they were just really unhealthy. He definitely needs to be more concern about your dreams and goals as well as be willing to make compromises. You don't want to be regretting giving up so much in the future.

As far as your original question, that seems to be as close to 'closing the distance' you are going to get with his career. At least you'll be able to see one another sometime during the week. But moving to a new place and starting a new life and getting new friends is always fun and exciting, so maybe the move would be good for you and you would be so busy with that the time apart won't seem so bad.

[merlinkitty]

I just want to mention a couple things to you so you can mull them over.

My brother is a musician. He's gone at a minimum of 6 months out of the year. Most of the time it's around 9 months. He decided to marry a *ehem* woman he'd been dating for about 7 years, so it's not like she was unaware of his schedule. This marriage survived two years. Amongst many other issues, one of the ones that she cited for the breakup was the fact that he was never home. If you're not comfortable with how much his job takes him away from home right now, and he's indicated this is a career choice for him, I would take some serious time to think about how this fits into your views of your future because...

You do have other options I know you said that he's establishing his career, etc, but the way you said it made me think that you're putting your career aspirations on the shelf for his. Is that what you're going to college for? To not have options? I would like you to think about this as well. Having been in a relationship where change, expectation, "compromise" was all a one-sided enterprise, I really want you to think about how much of yourself you're willing to sacrifice for this relationship. It may sound really romantic to say you'd give up everything, but in reality it feels anything but romantic.

I know this isn't the happiest advice and I'm not telling you "everything is going to be okay," because honestly I don't know anything about your situation, but I do know that you deserve real compromise and a nurturing relationship If you honestly feel this guy can provide that to you, then, by all means, move but just remember you always have other options. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't the easiest, but will make you the happiest in the long run