Children and University

[Kayie123]

Hi there, I've seen some threads about couples apart due to one going to University, however I haven't seen any with this situation and children as well. This is a very long post so I understand if you don't want to read... but please, if you have the time... do.

So my partner and I both live in the UK. He has completed his first year at uni studying Physics, and would like to go on as far as his PHD!! (I'm very proud of him and try to be as supportive as I can) He started university September of 2013 when our daughter was just turning 6 months old... he moved away to Wales (114 miles away) This was something I agreed to after A LOT of talking things through (Im now thinking I was totally naive in thinking I could handle things back home on my own!! but the prospect of a wonderful future for our family was what fueled me to say yes)

Neither of us can drive so seeing each other was impossible sometimes. So there I was left on my own with a baby, living in a council owned studio flat with mold growing up the walls and druggy/alcoholic neighbors (honestly it was hell) But anyway, in November I was offered a 2 bed house by the council and of course said yes yes yes! I moved our belongings from the flat to "our" new home without the help from my partner... this was all fine until now...

Its now currently the end of June 2014, I have been in "our" house for 7 months now, our daughter is 15 months old and guess what... IM PREGNANT AGAIN!... oh god... help...

I feel utterly terrified about the thought of bringing up two children (17 months apart) alone! I can't work as I can't afford childcare and I have little to no help from anyone else. I did have thoughts of abortion when i first found out i was pregnant (January 2014) but I can't do it, I feel that I... WE created this life and we should now deal with the consequences of our actions! I have spoken to my other half about the situation... it wasn't planned as i'm sure you can tell. He is just as worried but I cant help but feel he has it easy you know?

Anyway I guess I would just like to talk to anyone in a similar situation to myself... I feel so alone! Its so hard to keep our relationship strong. He is very busy and so am I, we fight a fair bit and break up a lot but at the end of it all... were utterly in love! and after 7 years together I want us to stay together but are things getting to much? I doubt his words a lot... how can he still love me when he doesn't have time for me now? wouldn't he rather be a single man and live his life at university all the time and not have to come home to us? (the family that hold him back) I don't know! there's so many thoughts.

Thank you so much, if anyone has actually took the time to read this whole post... i look forward to seeing peoples replies!

[Riyko]

He does need to help out more then he is either he needs to find a school closer to you and your kids or you need to move closer to him while he's going to school. He should also look into taking classes online to be home more as well. It's a hard situation and raising a kid on your own in hard, but you can do it

[differentcountries]

That sounds hard. Is there a possability that you and the kids move to him, for some time at least? Phd is very work intensive, often people have no life outside of it. I doubt he can support you and the kids from afar the way you wish him to.

[silvermoonfairy3]

If you don't work and your partner is a student, how do you afford things? I'm assuming you're eligible for other assistance if you have a government-owned apartment, but I really don't know a lot about UK welfare systems. If your partner wasn't in the picture at all (just hypothetically) would you be able to support yourself and the two children?

I'm assuming your partner is around your age? You're both pretty young, but when kids enter the picture, you need to have contingency plans. Has your partner ever indicated that family is "holding him back" as you say, or is this just a worry you have? If he's ever indicated it, it's even more important to have a backup plan, just in case. Even if you never need it.

You and your partner need to sit down and have a serious discussion. Raising two kids as a stay-at-home mom is doable for sure, but you'll also need some support from him or from other family/friends.

As someone else said, it seems like this is a situation where someone's gotta move. Either you move to be closer to the university, or he goes to a closer school or does more classes online, or something. You mentioned not really having other support, do you have family anywhere around? Family can be another part of a contingency plan, could you and the kids stay with your mother or sister or an aunt or someone temporarily, if it gets to a point where you need to get a job?

If your partner just did his first year of uni, and wants to go through to PhD level, that's going to be several years and lots of money. I will caution that a PhD program is extremely time-intensive. I went through the tail end of it (final year) with my current SO and there were long bursts where it was basically all-PhD. There are entire forums online dedicated to "PhD spouses" that talk about the challenges and are meant to support each other.. but they pretty much ALL talk about how during their PhD, they don't *really* have their husband around, and they're the ones keeping house and being mother and father to the kids. (There was one woman who talked about how in the final few months of thesis writing, she would sit quietly and read in her husbands office while he worked just so that she could spend a few minutes near him, but that's probably the very extreme end of the spectrum.)

Also, I don't want this to sound too lecture-y, but are you using protection with sexual activity? It sounds like this child wasn't planned, and sometimes contraception isn't effective, but on the off chance that you're just being careless, please remember that protection is available and if kids aren't the goal, should be used.

[Ahava]

Wow you do have a lot on your plate.
I think you have been given some good advice here.
Do you have friends and/or family near where you live?

[merlinkitty]

I agree that something needs to be talked about. I am not in your situation, or anything remotely close to it, nor do I know much about UK assistance programs, although I do know a little. It sounds like he's just started school and working in an undergraduate degree. Good for him! But honestly this is a first step in a very long process. My dad completed a PhD program. He started in 1965 with his undergraduate degree and finished his dissertation in 1979. That's 14 years. I work in a university environment. We have people who've been working on their degree programs the whole time I've been there. I'm going on 8 years now.

You really should talk to him about how he's planning to be part of this family he's creating. Everyone is going to look up one day, the children will be grown up and he could still be in school. School is important, don't get me wrong, but you both need to discuss something that is more supportive of the family unit. It's unrealistic to expect you to raise the children alone, unless you decide to develop a contingency plan, which I'm very much in favor of.

[squeeker]

I think the above posters have said pretty much everything I could think of.. you two need to have a serious conversation.. either you moving to Wales or him studying closer to you, or maybe taking an online course.. or if that's not possible.. try and move closer to some family or friends.. or find a support group or something. I agree with the others.. wondering how you will support yourself.. could you guys rent accommodation closer to his university, I feel like that's the most obvious thing.. though I guess it's something to do with housing benefit and council houses, maybe hard to move without a good reason.. although maybe you could explain to someone who is part of the housing council people, asking about whether you and your husband would be eligible for housing benefit in Wales near his university? It is better than you two living separate for no reason.. My boyfriend and his dad just moved from England to Wales a few years ago... though it's possible in their case that it was helped by the fact that their mental health was severely affected there because of problems I won't mention here. I just feel like that must be the most frustrating position to be in.. you are so close to your SO but so far PLUS raising a small child and another one on the way.. I really hope you can sort some better living arrangement out.. or at least get some support from family and friends who live nearby to help with the children or other house keeping duties or just a friendly chat when you need it.. good luck

[Zephii]

Hey there. I don't really know what to say, but I've had half a glass of wine and if I ramble enough maybe something useful will fall out of my brain.
I feel for you, I really do. Is there no way he could come home for a bit? Could he deffer for a year when nextbaby is born? That's pretty common here, you're allowed to take a year off in the middle of your study. I don't know a heck of a lot about it, but I've seen others do it, so find out if it's possible?

Failing that.. well... I'm sure you can do it. My sister and I are 17 months + 1 day apart, and my mum raised us alone. My two children are also 17 months apart (youngest is nearly 8 weeks now) and whilst I'm not raising them alone, my husband works full time and I don't have parents to fall back on.
I'm not going to bullshit you, it's hard. Really hard. Some days I'm sitting there on the floor just crying and the baby is crying, or both of them, and I think I can't possibly survive. But then once they are peacefully sleeping or playing and laughing it's all worth it again.

I really recommend finding a mother's group, or some similar support network. People in roughly the same situation as you. It can make the world of difference. I have two such mums living nearby me, and though I try to call on them as little as possible they have been invaluable. Just watching my kids for 10 minutes while I rush about taking out the garbage and throwing a load of washing in the machine or helping me leave the house the first few weeks before I got a good system down pat and a double pram

I didn't read the other replies, it took me a few visits to complete this post. So if I missed something I'm sorry.

While I'm sure none of this was useful, I want you to know I'm here to listen any time. At the very least I can offer friendship. PM me anytime. xx