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**whatruckus** · June 25, 2014, 03:48 PM

Isn't the point of you guys talking about sexual things to turn him on?

Have you guys tried the Skype sexy time or sexting? I don't do it with my SO because we see each other often, but I know a lot of other couples do it on here.

Don't feel too bad, I know it's frustrating. My boyfriend is the same way. He rarely sends me sweet things/things that make me smile. -_- I've talked about it numerous times with him as well, but he just tells me that he's just not that type of guy. Though, he used to do it all the time when we first started dating.

So, I know how you feel. I also know he used to do that type of stuff with his ex all the time, so that makes it worse. My ex was the same way too.

Seems like they do that stuff to reel you in and then once they have you, they're like, "Eh. I've done my job. I've got her." I even told my SO that's how I felt and he was just kind of like, "Oh."

I'm sorry I don't have much advice, I'd love some myself, but I wanted you to know that you're not the only out there.

**differentcountries** · June 25, 2014, 05:11 PM

If you have talked to him about this a 100 times with the same response, you are not doing it right. You say you do it very calmly. While i agree that calm is often better, it is not always so. Some of the most tender moments I had with my SO are related to when he made me starking mad (him flirting less was one such time), because anger is such a wake up call. Especially I since think I am usually most calm with him. Also, I sometimes get overwealmed and I cry. I have been told by people (my husband included) that it is easy to see me as very strong and self-sufficient, and that seeing me cry is somewhat startling beccause of this. But also effective. It is like a reminder that I do have these tender feelings they recognize in themselves.

Well, the one time (this was before we saw each other as often as we do now) I was pretty upset about us not flirting anymore, I was sort of calm, but also very serious. He was doing what he sometimes do, making jokes about it, excusing himself for being busy (he was, but that was not the point), telling me I was overreacting and so on. And I was thinking to myself; I can't be with a man who can't flirt with me. And I can't be with a man who does not respect my feelings. I told him: Lately our relationship has started to feel more like a friendship. You know we started off hot like we did, and growing into getting to know each other as well, which I like, but I still want to feel something of what I did when we first got together. And I have started to feel very lonely, because you don't get my hints and you don't listen when I say it straight. I don't want to be your friend. I want to be your girlfriend! I miss you flirting with me. I miss how you used to make me feel, and our connection. I feel so lonely and sad. - He was totally shocked that I felt this way, as he was being very focused on his studies (which does not come natural to him). He said that we could find back to our mode later, but I was being rather strict with him, I said: you are a part time student, we live thousands of miles away and I can't see you in the evening, it is going to be like this for a really long time. And I already feel pretty bad. I just want to know if you miss it a little bit, too. I was quite strickt with him, really put all my eggs in one basket because it meant a lot to me. I think at that point, I was not really being very friendly even if I did not raise my voice. I was telling him something was at stake, and that he could possably loose me over this (I had cried myself to sleep the last whole week before telling him and felt very lonely). It worked. He was taken aback for like a day, then he was like: Tonight I will flirt with you. He was afraid to loose me, and he even said afterwords that he had missed the flirty side of our relationship. Though we don't always flirt the same ammount, we have never been mentally apart like we were right before I spilled the beans. Also it is much easier for me to raise any question with him since I have learned what works with him. He REALLY, really depends on me to say straight how I feel about things and also take a huge chunk of responsability in finding solutions to our problems. So, if I feel low conficance about bringing up a subject, it is bound to fail - I must really set my sails high and just go: THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME, regardless of his immidiate repsonse.

Have you tryed to talk to him about love languages? If he is not moved or turned on by words, there are perhaps better ways to connect with him. Do you know what moves him/turns him on? Do you do those things to try to bond with him? Does he really understand what moves you?

Me and my SO have somewhat different love languages. He loves words and to be talked to the right way, he pretty much has told me straight I am pretty enough but he has fallen in love over my "way with words", so that is my lifeline to him; that I make him feel appreciated and understood. I do like compliments as well, but more important to me is for instance being able to see him over Skype, to see his body language and so on, especially being able to look him in the eyes over Skype. After I told him this, he rehersed something that I really liked. Also, the more I talk to him about what I want and like and don't want and don't like, the freer he feels to raise things like that himself, or at least open up if I say what I think is going on with him.

I don't know your SO, but what works well with mine, is to insist that we shall both be curious about what is going on, and to raise issues that is on our minds, and take it all as loving information. That means, of course, that you must be willing to hear about stuff that HE wants, and HE doesn't like, and so on, and really be curious about him as well as about yourself. Sometimes this is uncomfortable, because it means things are not perfect and I am not the perfect girlfriend to him (just yet), but for him to listen to my concerns it is really important that I listen to him. I really must calculate with that he is probably dissatisfied with at least a couple of things (if not, I can be pleasantly surprised) and try to see the world from his point of view from time to time - that is also showing by example what I want done to me.

**whatruckus** · June 25, 2014, 05:45 PM

DC, I would love to be able to talk to my SO in that way. My only problem is, he always seems to think I'm attacking him and becomes defensive when I try to bring anything up. Even when I'm calm and say it the way you do. Then he gets mad at me.

Any advice how to deal with that?

The only times I've found that he listens to me is when we have a sit down conversation, or I write it to him in an email. But, when I write it to him, he never lets me know if he read it, even when I ask him to tell me.

He's so bad at communicating.

**Miasmata** · June 25, 2014, 06:46 PM

@Romeo's Juliet and whatruckus - Your partner really needs to work on his communication skills, then. In any relationship, an LDR even more so, communication is absolutely vital. Otherwise, even the most simple needs can become a huge problem because you can't get on the same page and help each other out. It's incredibly exhausting, as you can tell already, and it will be a drain on your relationship.

He doesn't have to be a social butterfly or a communication wizard. My own SO is far from it and so we have moments where I roll my eyes and get annoyed with his communication shortcomings. But that's the thing - He puts in noticable effort to get better at it, and he's thankful for my feedback on it, both the positive and the negative. Failures become much less problematic when you know there's noticable effort to improve - I don't need my partner to be even close to perfect, I just simply need to know they are investing what they can.

You should definitely tell your partner how important communication is and that you are not going to give him grief for saying no to something or for not agreeing with you all the time. You just need to know what's up, period.

**whatruckus** · June 25, 2014, 06:58 PM

Originally posted by Miasmata View Post

@Romeo's Juliet and whatruckus - Your partner really needs to work on his communication skills, then. In any relationship, an LDR even more so, communication is absolutely vital. Otherwise, even the most simple needs can become a huge problem because you can't get on the same page and help each other out. It's incredibly exhausting, as you can tell already, and it will be a drain on your relationship.

He doesn't have to be a social butterfly or a communication wizard. My own SO is far from it and so we have moments where I roll my eyes and get annoyed with his communication shortcomings. But that's the thing - He puts in noticable effort to get better at it, and he's thankful for my feedback on it, both the positive and the negative. Failures become much less problematic when you know there's noticable effort to improve - I don't need my partner to be even close to perfect, I just simply need to know they are investing what they can.

You should definitely tell your partner how important communication is and that you are not going to give him grief for saying no to something or for not agreeing with you all the time. You just need to know what's up, period.

The worst part is that mine knows he's bad at communicating. I love him to death, but it takes him a while to tell me how he feels. Our conversations are usually because I initiated them first and his responses are "eh". The only time he becomes super talkative is when something bothers him or when he's had a few drinks. I find the best time to talk to him is when he's been drinking because he opens up to me. The only bad thing is that I'm never sure if he remembers our conversations or cares because he never brings them up again.

He's great when we're together, but when we're not, the communication is "eh".

Sometimes I honestly feel like I'm his "friend" when we're apart, and his girlfriend when we're together from the communication. Again, I'm not sure how to talk to him about it without him getting mad/frustrated/annoyed.

I think a lot of his communication problems stem from having PTSD after going to Iraq, because he told me he wasn't always like this. And when I've stalked his Facebook (

), I can clearly see the difference in his posts when he was overseas and when he got back. Almost like he shut down. Plus, given his history with his ex, I almost feel like he's afraid to fully, 100%, let me in.

I actually used to be really bad at communicating when I was with my ex, but that was something I learned after we broke up and I make it a point to let my SO know how I feel (for the most part, I try really hard). I'm much more open with him that I ever was with my ex, and I tell him that.

Ughhh.

**Emilia** · June 25, 2014, 11:11 PM

Have you asked him what turns him on?

**Romeo s Juliet** · June 25, 2014, 11:41 PM

I read every thing you guys wrote and I agree with what s said. Specially with what different countries said. I almost feel we are friends and not partners anymore. I feel like best friends who say I love you at the end of. Skype session and that this was not how things used to be or should be. It wasn't so when we started. He was this kind caring guy who listened and the worst thing like one of you had mentioned on here is that he tells me he knows how bad he is at cpmmunacating and telling me those things and that i should know it's his way and that I did settle for it but why expect different things from him now ? I explained to him that this is what I want now and if he can't do it that will be the biggest deal breaker. He promise to try but we go back to the same place over and over.
I 've asked him to to try and have sexy time on Skype. His response is meh it doesn't turn me on and I prefer actually doing it with u than talking about or doing it via Skype

I 've told him that we can't meet for at least another 8 monthsbut he doesn't seeem to understand. When I feel horny I have to look after it myself. If I say that to him he doesn't pay attention and goes blank. He literally becomes quiet. I feel so down and ashamed that no woman should really feel like this because I think no man will treat a woman like that especially when she feels um wanting to have sexy time ?

We did check out way of communicating and he is more tactile and I am the more speaking type. If we work out the distance I think the relationship will work but I dunno
I have given him an ultimatum before because of his lack of communication. He gets ok only for about a month and we 're back to the same old.
I sometimes feel I need a man who can look after a woman. Not a boy who can't look after me.

**AussieAmericanGirl66** · June 26, 2014, 01:12 AM

A couple of things work for mine when he gets like that, which he does sometimes. I send him sexy or suggestive "photos and quotes" that I find on Facebook pages, like Hopeless Romantics 101, Lovers Long Distance Notebook, Love Quotes or LFAD, and personalize them with a flirty message of my own. I send him sexy photos of me (web cam shots, and selfies from my phone. Or, I send him voice recordings, with my sultriest voice and sexiest message. Once I even recorded my sounds of passion when we were being sexy on chat. He liked that, when I sent it to inbox.

I think I need to do something to get his attention again. He's been very busy, and sometimes it does feel like he's downgraded me to friend.

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