Salvaging a breakup?

[throwaway321]

We have been together for 4 years, the last year bring a LDR and I always felt the relationship was extrodinary. Out of nowhere on Saturday, she says we need to break up via text her reason being she wants kids and and I've erred on not wanting any but have told her before I can compromise. On Sunday I ask her to speak to me and tell her I'm willing to have kids because I'd do it for her but then she states that it's actually because she has met someone else, I know they haven't gotten serious yet though. Really do not want this to end, we were eachother's first kiss, intimiacy, loves, and more so I just don't understand how she can throw away 4 years like that.

Please any advice on reconnecting? I sent her a hand written snail mail letter this morning, hope that wasn't a mistake.

[Hollandia]

We have been together for 4 years, the last year bring a LDR and I always felt the relationship was extrodinary. Out of nowhere on Saturday, she says we need to break up via text her reason being she wants kids and and I've erred on not wanting any but have told her before I can compromise. On Sunday I ask her to speak to me and tell her I'm willing to have kids because I'd do it for her but then she states that it's actually because she has met someone else, I know they haven't gotten serious yet though. Really do not want this to end, we were eachother's first kiss, intimiacy, loves, and more so I just don't understand how she can throw away 4 years like that.

Please any advice on reconnecting? I sent her a hand written snail mail letter this morning, hope that wasn't a mistake.

I think that she lied to you and said it was because of wanting kids and was forced to admit she had met someone else. I would say it's over. Do you want to be with someone that would treat you this way? She has probably been seeing this other person for awhile to break up with you, or she just really wants to break up. It's a really crap thing to do to try to break up over a text after 4 years. You deserve to be treated better.

She definitely would have some explaining to do if she changes her mind, but I don't think she will be. Sorry for your pain.

[Chillosaurus]

You would probably not be the loving father a kid needs. She might have taken that as her motivation to look for someone who fits better to her purpose of founding a family.
The letter was definetly a mistake.
I'm sorry for your loss.

[snow]

She used something that she knew would be a good reason to cover up that she had fallen in love with someone else, because she thought she could get away with not being honest about it. I would say it is over Sorry

[Ahava]

I don't think the letter is a mistake, it might help you to get things on paper. I doubt the letter will help you get her back though.
As others have said she has probably fallen for this other person.

I am really sorry you are going through this and have been treated this way.

[throwaway321]

In regards to the kid thing, I've never had an interest in biological children but was open to adoption once we were really settled and I know she knows that.

I'm sorry it's just still too surreal for me, I spent close to a year in Afghanistan and she wrote to me damn near everyday so I just don't understand what straw broke the camel's back especially since we saw each other every few months now that I'm actually back in the USA and were so close to being with each other again (she graduates soon). She's a really emotional person and when I inquired about the new guy, she started speaking crazy about how she knew he was perfect for her and when I asked if it's worth throwing away 4 years for she started babbeling about how she'll just get marriage counseling when things go south for them. Just really illogical stuff. I don't want to lose it but you guys/gals are probably right.

I do think I'm a great guy and really didn't deserve to have it play out this way so I dunno, just depressed and a little angry. I have a date next weekend, hopefully I'll feel better then.

[TwoThree]

You would probably not be the loving father a kid needs. She might have taken that as her motivation to look for someone who fits better to her purpose of founding a family.

Eh? And how did you come to this damning conclusion? How would you even know such a thing? Most men do not get any paternal instincts until after their child is born. And you are clearly wrong about the girl's motive because she initially lied about the reason for breaking up.

Way to kick a person when they're down.

[Hollandia]

You are still quite young. I did not want kids at one point too. Then I got pregnant and soon fell in love with my daughter. I crave another baby with my SO today and I never wanted kids. I also think that you might not understand that adopted kids are no different from Bio kids after birth, if you love them both. My Bio dad walked out and my adopted dad was my hero till the day he died, If you really want adopted kids then bio kids are really no different once you accept to love them as your own. You can also find yourself meeting someone with kids from a previous relationship and loving them as your own. It really does not matter, it is the love that matters.

I also want to thank you for service and tell you she does not deserve you. Heal, Mourn and when you are ready there will be a thousand women out there ready to give you the respect that you deserve. Be honest with yourself, if you want kids or not, don't have or adopt for someone else, and you will find the right mate either way.

[merlinkitty]

I think that she lied to you and said it was because of wanting kids and was forced to admit she had met someone else. I would say it's over. Do you want to be with someone that would treat you this way? She has probably been seeing this other person for awhile to break up with you, or she just really wants to break up. It's a really crap thing to do to try to break up over a text after 4 years. You deserve to be treated better.

I agree with Hollandia 100%. I figure she's probably been thinking about breaking this off for a while now, perhaps seeing this other person for some time and she's finally got the courage to end it with you finally. I'm sorry things went down this way, but perhaps it's time to move forward for you.

[Fretboard_Magic]

You would probably not be the loving father a kid needs. She might have taken that as her motivation to look for someone who fits better to her purpose of founding a family.
The letter was definetly a mistake.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Well, I actually agree with this, but perhaps in a little less aggressive fashion, lol. For one thing, she wants kids. By that, I presume she actually wants to bear a child of her own with someone she loves? That's understandable. Whereas the OP doesn't want to father a child of his own. He says he is "open to adopting". And more importantly, he says he'd have kids "for her". This to me doesn't seem like an ideal relationship, and it most likely won't result in an ideal family being nurtured. So, I personally believe that the OP should move on and find someone who can actually be on the same page about these things with him. If anything, she should have ended the relationship in a more honest yet straightforward way. Lying wasn't necessarily a good idea, but then what's done is done.

OP, it doesn't matter if you were together for a day, or a decade. If you two aren't compatible with each other, you two just aren't compatible with each other. Efforts put into "saving" a relationship won't change a thing if you're lacking in that compatibility department in a fundamental sense. While it's unfortunate that this relationship lasted for four years(which is a long time, I know), it's still good that you're now presented with a chance to end it while it's still not too late. I personally think that trying to save it may only make the situation worse in the future.

One thing about paternal instincts... I personally believe it also has to do with how a man is raised, too. I for instance have ALWAYS wanted to be a father, ever since I was a little kid. Sure, I have guy friends who aren't exactly too enthusiastic about being a father themselves, but I also have guy friends who totally want become fathers. So I don't know...to hear someone say they aren't interested in fathering a child but are OK with adopting one, and that they'd do either option NOT for themselves but for their partners... That doesn't really strike me as an ideal way to approach that particular stage in life. I personally believe that a couple should have children because they both genuinely want to, and not because one of them sees it as a means to stay with their partner.

And I'm not saying you're a bad person, OP. I guess you and your partner just want different things in life. There, that is an indication that you (AND your partner) would benefit more if you got out of your current relationship now. I say find someone who is OK with not having any kids, or maybe adopting. But next time, you should be clear about these things from the beginning. If a woman wants to bear a child, then she should be with someone who is on the same page as she is. If a man doesn't want to father a child of his own, then he should be with someone who is on the same page as he is.

That's what I think. All the best. :-)

[Hollandia]

Well, I actually agree with this, but perhaps in a little less aggressive fashion, lol. For one thing, she wants kids. By that, I presume she actually wants to bear a child of her own with someone she loves? That's understandable. Whereas the OP doesn't want to father a child of his own. He says he is "open to adopting". And more importantly, he says he'd have kids "for her". This to me doesn't seem like an ideal relationship, and it most likely won't result in an ideal family being nurtured. So, I personally believe that the OP should move on and find someone who can actually be on the same page about these things with him. If anything, she should have ended the relationship in a more honest yet straightforward way. Lying wasn't necessarily a good idea, but then what's done is done.

OP, it doesn't matter if you were together for a day, or a decade. If you two aren't compatible with each other, you two just aren't compatible with each other. Efforts put into "saving" a relationship won't change a thing if you're lacking in that compatibility department in a fundamental sense. While it's unfortunate that this relationship lasted for four years(which is a long time, I know), it's still good that you're now presented with a chance to end it while it's still not too late. I personally think that trying to save it may only make the situation worse in the future.

One thing about paternal instincts... I personally believe it also has to do with how a man is raised, too. I for instance have ALWAYS wanted to be a father, ever since I was a little kid. Sure, I have guy friends who aren't exactly too enthusiastic about being a father themselves, but I also have guy friends who totally want become fathers. So I don't know...to hear someone say they aren't interested in fathering a child but are OK with adopting one, and that they'd do either option NOT for themselves but for their partners... That doesn't really strike me as an ideal way to approach that particular stage in life. I personally believe that a couple should have children because they both genuinely want to, and not because one of them sees it as a means to stay with their partner.

And I'm not saying you're a bad person, OP. I guess you and your partner just want different things in life. There, that is an indication that you (AND your partner) would benefit more if you got out of your current relationship now. I say find someone who is OK with not having any kids, or maybe adopting. But next time, you should be clear about these things from the beginning. If a woman wants to bear a child, then she should be with someone who is on the same page as she is. If a man doesn't want to father a child of his own, then he should be with someone who is on the same page as he is.

That's what I think. All the best. :-)

I think you guys are making us women way to shallow by this way of thinking. You don't seem to understand that what she did is in no way excusable you are in essence blaming him for her doing what she did.

That's just wrong. She used the knowledge that he did not want kids to try to break it off, but she was lying and had already gone behind his back and found someone else. We don't do that shit because our man did not want kids, we do it, if we have no principles and wanted to keep him on the back burner while hunting for a new mate that fit our needs more. If she really loved him, she would have been honest and willing to talk about the kid situation. It is not the first time in history that a 25 year old guy thought he did not want kids. I despised the idea until 20 too. She did this because she wanted to, and she was ready to break up.

If you truly love your partner, of 4 bloody years, you work through these things. You don't go behind their back , find someone else, and then try to break up over a text and when forced and only then admit you met someone else. This is not a person with very much respect for the other person or very high moral standards. She wants what she wants and anyone in her way that won't give it to her, be damned, regardless if she was supposed to love them or not.

All she had to do was just talk to him about the kids thing and if she loved him, that is what she would have done. Instead she cheated then lied and now dumped him, and you guys seem to think this is his fault because of not wanting kids. Your wrong , most women would never do this to someone they cared about. We are not that shallow.

[Fretboard_Magic]

I think you guys are making us women way to shallow by this way of thinking. You don't seem to understand that what she did is in no way excusable you are in essence blaming him for her doing what she did.

That's just wrong. She used the knowledge that he did not want kids to try to break it off, but she was lying and had already gone behind his back and found someone else. We don't do that shit because our man did not want kids, we do it, if we have no principles and wanted to keep him on the back burner while hunting for a new mate that fit our needs more. If she really loved him, she would have been honest and willing to talk about the kid situation. It is not the first time in history that a 25 year old guy thought he did not want kids. I despised the idea until 20 too. She did this because she wanted to, and she was ready to break up.

If you truly love your partner, of 4 bloody years, you work through these things. You don't go behind their back , find someone else, and then try to break up over a text and when forced and only then admit you met someone else. This is not a person with very much respect for the other person or very high moral standards. She wants what she wants and anyone in her way that won't give it to her, be damned, regardless if she was supposed to love them or not.

All she had to do was just talk to him about the kids thing and if she loved him, that is what she would have done. Instead she cheated then lied and now dumped him, and you guys seem to think this is his fault because of not wanting kids. Your wrong , most women would never do this to someone they cared about. We are not that shallow.

I never once said anything about women being shallow? o___o

Okay, if you read my post CAREFULLY, you just might see that I'm actually agreeing with you in a general sense. I'm not condoning what she's done here. All I'm suggesting is that they just might not have been compatible with each other after all. And if that was the case, then it doesn't matter if they were together for 4 years or 40. If two people aren't compatible with each other on a fundamental level, really there's no point in putting an effort into working it out. I personally don't think it's worth it because more harm may come out of it than good.

Sure, she fucked up. She totally did. But that doesn't change the fact that he's willing to bend over backward trying to get her back. And if he did succeed? They might become parents and THAT is what my main concern is. A child deserves to be genuinely and totally welcomed into this world, and by his/her family. If the reason for his accepting fatherhood was merely to stay with the girl, then I'd see it as a bit of a shitty thing to do on his part. I mean, hey, that's how I personally see it.

But I totally agree with you, she should have just told him straight up. Would've been a way more honourable thing to do. But I'm also thinking about some other things, and these ones I probably should keep to myself since it's such a sensitive topic, plus there would be way too many speculations. I'll just say there are three sides to every story: his truth, her truth, and THE truth.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

In regards to the kid thing, I've never had an interest in biological children but was open to adoption once we were really settled and I know she knows that.

I'm sorry it's just still too surreal for me, I spent close to a year in Afghanistan and she wrote to me damn near everyday so I just don't understand what straw broke the camel's back especially since we saw each other every few months now that I'm actually back in the USA and were so close to being with each other again (she graduates soon). She's a really emotional person and when I inquired about the new guy, she started speaking crazy about how she knew he was perfect for her and when I asked if it's worth throwing away 4 years for she started babbeling about how she'll just get marriage counseling when things go south for them. Just really illogical stuff. I don't want to lose it but you guys/gals are probably right.

I do think I'm a great guy and really didn't deserve to have it play out this way so I dunno, just depressed and a little angry. I have a date next weekend, hopefully I'll feel better then.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. She should have been honest with you, and talked with you on Skype, not in text. But, if she is already talking about how she will just get marriage counseling when things don't work out with the new guy, then it sounds like she has problems with the concept of marriage anyway, and is expecting severe problems. She has already shown that she has problems with commitment.

As far as writing the letter, what's done is done, and all you can do is wait for her reply. But at least, getting it out on paper is a good way for you to see what's going on and get your own feelings out.

Take care of yourself now, and let time handle the rest.

[snow]

Sure, she fucked up. She totally did. But that doesn't change the fact that he's willing to bend over backward trying to get her back. And if he did succeed? They might become parents and THAT is what my main concern is. A child deserves to be genuinely and totally welcomed into this world, and by his/her family. If the reason for his accepting fatherhood was merely to stay with the girl, then I'd see it as a bit of a shitty thing to do on his part. I mean, hey, that's how I personally see it.

There is no way to say what happens in the future. Nothing says, he would not love his children, NOTHING. You don't even know, why he doesn't want to have children. There is a million reasons and you should stop assuming that just because he doesn't want children right now, he would be a bad father.

Imagine how many people accidentally become parents and are the most loving and caring people to their child, even though they never wanted to have children in the first place.

[Hollandia]

I never once said anything about women being shallow? o___o

Okay, if you read my post CAREFULLY, you just might see that I'm actually agreeing with you in a general sense. I'm not condoning what she's done here. All I'm suggesting is that they just might not have been compatible with each other after all. And if that was the case, then it doesn't matter if they were together for 4 years or 40. If two people aren't compatible with each other on a fundamental level, really there's no point in putting an effort into working it out. I personally don't think it's worth it because more harm may come out of it than good.

Sure, she fucked up. She totally did. But that doesn't change the fact that he's willing to bend over backward trying to get her back. And if he did succeed? They might become parents and THAT is what my main concern is. A child deserves to be genuinely and totally welcomed into this world, and by his/her family. If the reason for his accepting fatherhood was merely to stay with the girl, then I'd see it as a bit of a shitty thing to do on his part. I mean, hey, that's how I personally see it.

But I totally agree with you, she should have just told him straight up. Would've been a way more honourable thing to do. But I'm also thinking about some other things, and these ones I probably should keep to myself since it's such a sensitive topic, plus there would be way too many speculations. I'll just say there are three sides to every story: his truth, her truth, and THE truth.

Your comments said it.


Your 38, he's 25. He also said he was always okay with the idea of adopting kids but not biological ones. This is totally different from not wanting kids. There's no "sure she fucked up but". there's just she fucked him over. Do you have kids? Do you know what fatherhood is?

Do you understand that parenthood is not always planned and yet people can end up loving their kids? He is 6 years out of his teens and thinks he does not want kids. This could change in a few years and there is no excuse after 4 YEARS of a relationship of her not bringing this up if it bothered her before finding someone else. He does not even know if she even found someone that wanted kids, just that at first she mentioned the kids and then when he said he wanted kids, she was with someone else.

Don't insinuate I did not read your post. I did. You are putting partial blame on him and that is just wrong in this case. It's not his fault at all. This is all on her. Your response is pure spin to justify your answer, to which I would say again, NO. 4 years or 40 is bullshit. They were in a relationship, she went behind his back, then lied to him , then dumped him for the other guy.

She did not just fuck up, she acted immorally and disrespectfully and like someone that did not have any feelings for him. I was with someone for over 10 years and even though we were not compatible anymore, I tried to work it out, then we talked it out and finally broke up before we decided to separate on move on to other people.

This is like you saying, it is okay she cheated, lied and dumped him because she knew they were not compatible and would never work out....well lucky him, she was kind to do this right? NO. There is no excuse for what she did and so why do you keep making this about their incompatibility and not about her cheating, lying and abandonment, would you be okay if your SO did this to you? No? Why not? What is she thought she knew you too were incompatible in the end?

His truth, her truth , and the truth , is quite frankly what people that screw people over say.