Salvaging a breakup?

[whatruckus]

There really is no way to save this, I'm afraid. She's already made her choice to be with someone else. My ex used the same excuse when we broke up. Said that he thought I didn't want kids or marriage. All lies, of course because he had actually found someone else.

I would say, it's time for you to move on. I was with my ex for 5 years and it was worth it for him to throw it away. I'm the same age as you. After I let go, I met my boyfriend. 100000+% upgrade.

Your ex sounds like she wants to go off and have her fun. Let her. But, if I were you, I wouldn't take her back. Not with how she ended it and lied.

Good luck!

[throwaway321]

Hi everyone thanks for all the advice/suggestions while I don't agree with everything that has been said, I appreciate you taking the time to share you thoughts. I'm coming to grips with her being gone but I'm still just so dumbfounded about how or why it happened. Someone commented that she was scared of commitment but she was the first to bring up the idea of marriage and it was heavily implied that we would get married once she finally finished school because she always talked about wanting to move in with me after. I mean hell after I told my family, they were completely floored and honestly thought I was joking initially. I just don't get it. Still angry at myself and disappointed in her.

[Ahava]

To me she sounds very young and probably doesn't know herself what she wants. A lot of women are "programmed" to want a family and get married from an early age. Often people don't end up with their first loves, because after you meet your first love there is still a lot of growing to do and people change, decide they want different things in life. (Not saying about changing your mind of wanting the core things like family/marriage).
I think she may have realised she wants to explore life (=men) more. Some people are like that. She might end up going through great/crappy relationships and then realise that the first one she had was the best. But she wouldn't be happy with you know if she feels this way.

I'm not trying to defend her actions, what she did was crappy.
I don't know what age she is though. If she was about 20 it would be more understandable, but if she is your age she should be grown up enough to think before acting and to own up to you and tell the truth instead of lying and cheating.

[Miasmata]

Really a damn shame that she didn't treat you with honesty, and that this happened to you so out of the blue. But I agree, if she can't be honest about issues in your relationship with you after 4 years of being together, that's a deeper problem she really needs to sort out. People growing apart sucks and hurts, but everyone involved still deserves to be treated with respect and honesty. I wish she would have acted accordingly.

I wish you all the best.

[TwoThree]

One thing about paternal instincts... I personally believe it also has to do with how a man is raised, too. I for instance have ALWAYS wanted to be a father, ever since I was a little kid. Sure, I have guy friends who aren't exactly too enthusiastic about being a father themselves, but I also have guy friends who totally want become fathers. So I don't know...to hear someone say they aren't interested in fathering a child but are OK with adopting one, and that they'd do either option NOT for themselves but for their partners... That doesn't really strike me as an ideal way to approach that particular stage in life. I personally believe that a couple should have children because they both genuinely want to, and not because one of them sees it as a means to stay with their partner.

Good for you, but that doesn't make it a general rule. My SO was lukewarm about wanting kids. He wasn't against it, but it was mostly like "If you want kids, I'm fine with it because I want you to be happy". And then his niece was born and it triggered something in him, he was so smitten with her. Now he actively wants children.

My brother-in-law always said he wanted kids, and now that he has a son, it almost seem like he regrets it. It's not that he doesn't love him, it's just that it's overwhelming for him. You simply cannot know. And passing judgement on the OP saying that he will not be a good father is just insane, and stupid (I know you didn't say it, the other guy did)

[Fretboard_Magic]

There is no way to say what happens in the future. Nothing says, he would not love his children, NOTHING. You don't even know, why he doesn't want to have children. There is a million reasons and you should stop assuming that just because he doesn't want children right now, he would be a bad father.

You're absolutely right. The fact is that, like you said, we DO NOT KNOW. Meaning, it is a risk. And sure, that's what life is about. It's sometimes about taking chances. But we can already see that he was thinking about getting back together with this girl, and to be willing to use fatherhood as a means of bargaining... I mean, don't you see something is not right there? And while we do NOT know whether or not he will change his current outlook on fatherhood sometime down the road, we already know where he stands right now, and that's something he should pay careful attention to. That's the kind of thing that could help him learn about himself. It could help him prepare for his future. Just because we don't know doesn't mean we should have to simply accept accidents as they come. What we can do is to learn to prevent/dodge/narrowly miss them, or at least be better prepared for them if/when they occur.

Imagine how many people accidentally become parents and are the most loving and caring people to their child, even though they never wanted to have children in the first place.

Sure, I can name a few myself. Although, there's a difference between a parent who never wanted a child, period, and a parent who didn't want one so soon. That's another thing to consider. Again, to quote yourself, we don't know which one the OP might end up as. Well hey, a kid just might change his outlook on fatherhood, and he might end up becoming the best dad ever. I hope so, trust me. But I don't think he's at that stage just yet. I mean, we don't know, but that's my own speculation. I'm allowed to speculate.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Your comments said it.

My comments said it? Really? But the writer of the comments(that would be me) says he never said it. So, now what... *ponders*

Your 38, he's 25. He also said he was always okay with the idea of adopting kids but not biological ones. This is totally different from not wanting kids. There's no "sure she fucked up but". there's just she fucked him over. Do you have kids? Do you know what fatherhood is?

Whoa, look, I don't think one needs to be a parent to express one's view on parenthood. There's a difference between the OP and myself; generally speaking he is only open to adopting a kid(or maybe more than one kid), whereas I actually want my own flesh and blood kid. Besides, he never really said he was "always okay" with the idea of adopting. He merely said he was "open" to the idea. Again, there's a difference.

Do you understand that parenthood is not always planned and yet people can end up loving their kids? He is 6 years out of his teens and thinks he does not want kids. This could change in a few years and there is no excuse after 4 YEARS of a relationship of her not bringing this up if it bothered her before finding someone else. He does not even know if she even found someone that wanted kids, just that at first she mentioned the kids and then when he said he wanted kids, she was with someone else.

Sure, read my reply to Snow if you must. And you're right(see, I'm agreeing with you!), he might change his mind about his decision about parenthood. BUT, he might not. As I said in my reply to Snow, we can't be sure of anything. But the good thing is that we are now talking about it right here, right now, and the OP gets to read all these responses. And guess what, someone needs to point out the kind of things that I'm pointing out, because otherwise all the responses he would get would be along the lines of "I'm sorry it had to happen to you, she's a total bitch for betraying you like that". Sure, I agree with that kind of responses! Seriously! But I'm also not here to blindly offer people comfort either. And I'll tell you why in a bit....

Don't insinuate I did not read your post. I did. You are putting partial blame on him and that is just wrong in this case. It's not his fault at all. This is all on her. Your response is pure spin to justify your answer, to which I would say again, NO. 4 years or 40 is bullshit. They were in a relationship, she went behind his back, then lied to him , then dumped him for the other guy.

Really? I mean, sure I placed partial blame on him. I put partial blame on different people in various cases. I put partial blame on my own best friend because he can't even recognize that he's being abused by his girlfriend. All the evidences are right in front of him, and yet he takes her side in the end. He doesn't know how to stand his ground no matter how much his friends support him, no matter how many good pieces of advice he receives. And I don't care if he ends up thinking I'm a bad guy for suggesting that he and his girlfriend break up. Someone needs to tell him he's being abused, and the bottom-line is that I care about him as my best friend, my bro, my homeboy, you get the drift. But really, I digress...maybe?

She did not just fuck up, she acted immorally and disrespectfully and like someone that did not have any feelings for him. I was with someone for over 10 years and even though we were not compatible anymore, I tried to work it out, then we talked it out and finally broke up before we decided to separate on move on to other people.

There you go, you and your previous partner was able to commnicate. The OP and his girlfriend doesn't seem to be doing that very well right now. And you know something, compatibility is definitely playing a role there. The fact that you and this previous partner of yours were able to talk it out indicates that you two were at least compatible enough to do that. I think that's cool, and I mean it. *tips hat*

This is like you saying, it is okay she cheated, lied and dumped him because she knew they were not compatible and would never work out....well lucky him, she was kind to do this right? NO. There is no excuse for what she did and so why do you keep making this about their incompatibility and not about her cheating, lying and abandonment, would you be okay if your SO did this to you? No? Why not? What is she thought she knew you too were incompatible in the end?

Yeah well, except I never said any of those things. And like I said, compatibility plays a HUGE role in making a relationship work. I mean, fine, she betrayed him. I never said she didn't, come on. But wouldn't that also mean that she essentially wasn't compatible with him in the first place? And they each DID want different things in life, or else this kind of BS wouldn't even happen. Now, I kind of DO feel bad for the OP a little bit...but I can't quite feel totally bad for him in a complete sense especially since, what was it that he said? Let me quote it because it just raised my eyebrow and considering how throroughly you've been able to read MY posts, I'm sure you've caught this following little thing that HE has posted too, Hollandia?

I do think I'm a great guy and really didn't deserve to have it play out this way so I dunno, just depressed and a little angry. I have a date next weekend, hopefully I'll feel better then.

OK, so he has a DATE next weekend. When was he dumped? Just this past SATURDAY. If you truly believe my "4 years or 40 years" comment to be bullshit, then consider THIS one. They were together for four YEARS, not MONTHS. And he definitely seems quite stressed out about the breakup, and we know that's why he's here. But come on, I don't know about you, but I could NEVER arrange a date with someone(if it was someone other than the girlfriend) so soon after coming out of a serious relationship, especially one where I was very much in love with my partner. But like, FOUR DAYS after the breakup?! I'd be too busy mourning! Now with all that said, am I going to blindly announce it's 100% her fault and he should be given the victim of the year award? Hmm... I doubt it(no offense OP).

His truth, her truth , and the truth , is quite frankly what people that screw people over say.

Umm, no. It's merely a fact. The fact is that there will be his version of the story, her version of the story, and what really took place. I'm sure you can see that. I'll let slide the fact that, by stating the above comment, you've included me among those who "screw people over" when you don't know jackshit about me. ;-)

[Hollandia]

My comments said it? Really? But the writer of the comments(that would be me) says he never said it. So, now what... *ponders*




Whoa, look, I don't think one needs to be a parent to express one's view on parenthood. There's a difference between the OP and myself; generally speaking he is only open to adopting a kid(or maybe more than one kid), whereas I actually want my own flesh and blood kid. Besides, he never really said he was "always okay" with the idea of adopting. He merely said he was "open" to the idea. Again, there's a difference.



Sure, read my reply to Snow if you must. And you're right(see, I'm agreeing with you!), he might change his mind about his decision about parenthood. BUT, he might not. As I said in my reply to Snow, we can't be sure of anything. But the good thing is that we are now talking about it right here, right now, and the OP gets to read all these responses. And guess what, someone needs to point out the kind of things that I'm pointing out, because otherwise all the responses he would get would be along the lines of "I'm sorry it had to happen to you, she's a total bitch for betraying you like that". Sure, I agree with that kind of responses! Seriously! But I'm also not here to blindly offer people comfort either. And I'll tell you why in a bit....



Really? I mean, sure I placed partial blame on him. I put partial blame on different people in various cases. I put partial blame on my own best friend because he can't even recognize that he's being abused by his girlfriend. All the evidences are right in front of him, and yet he takes her side in the end. He doesn't know how to stand his ground no matter how much his friends support him, no matter how many good pieces of advice he receives. And I don't care if he ends up thinking I'm a bad guy for suggesting that he and his girlfriend break up. Someone needs to tell him he's being abused, and the bottom-line is that I care about him as my best friend, my bro, my homeboy, you get the drift. But really, I digress...maybe?



There you go, you and your previous partner was able to commnicate. The OP and his girlfriend doesn't seem to be doing that very well right now. And you know something, compatibility is definitely playing a role there. The fact that you and this previous partner of yours were able to talk it out indicates that you two were at least compatible enough to do that. I think that's cool, and I mean it. *tips hat*



Yeah well, except I never said any of those things. And like I said, compatibility plays a HUGE role in making a relationship work. I mean, fine, she betrayed him. I never said she didn't, come on. But wouldn't that also mean that she essentially wasn't compatible with him in the first place? And they each DID want different things in life, or else this kind of BS wouldn't even happen. Now, I kind of DO feel bad for the OP a little bit...but I can't quite feel totally bad for him in a complete sense especially since, what was it that he said? Let me quote it because it just raised my eyebrow and considering how throroughly you've been able to read MY posts, I'm sure you've caught this following little thing that HE has posted too, Hollandia?



OK, so he has a DATE next weekend. When was he dumped? Just this past SATURDAY. If you truly believe my "4 years or 40 years" comment to be bullshit, then consider THIS one. They were together for four YEARS, not MONTHS. And he definitely seems quite stressed out about the breakup, and we know that's why he's here. But come on, I don't know about you, but I could NEVER arrange a date with someone(if it was someone other than the girlfriend) so soon after coming out of a serious relationship, especially one where I was very much in love with my partner. But like, FOUR DAYS after the breakup?! I'd be too busy mourning! Now with all that said, am I going to blindly announce it's 100% her fault and he should be given the victim of the year award? Hmm... I doubt it(no offense OP).



Umm, no. It's merely a fact. The fact is that there will be his version of the story, her version of the story, and what really took place. I'm sure you can see that. I'll let slide the fact that, by stating the above comment, you've included me among those who "screw people over" when you don't know jackshit about me. ;-)

I'm not going to debate with you for the sake of debating on this guy's thread. Plenty of people jump into rebound dating after a hard break-up. If you want to debate further, I suggest you make your own thread but please stop putting ANY blame on the OP for what his SO did to him. He did nothing wrong in any shape or form.

[throwaway321]

Sorry everyone, I just can't comment on the kids thing anymore. The conversations involving it with her were far and between so I truly can't recall WHAT I actually said and simply WHAT I was just thinking at the time without actually voicing it. I know, it's my fault for not getting a proper resolution for the issue but with her in school and me working and about to return to education, it just wasn't the time I felt. For what it's worth, I completely believe I would be a great father and would deeply love my biological children, 'mistake' or not. I had a great father and if put in that position, I would had done my best to follow his example.

I interpret somethings on here as an attack on her character though, I'm not sure if they're purely ment to cheer me up. She was truly the most loving person I had ever met. Woke up at 4AM everytime and walked out to the cold morings just to see me off for work when we were phycially together, always asked how I felt about things, was never before emotionally/physically abusive, just the nicest person I ever met. My family adored her. You have no idea how out of character this whole thing is for her. I wish I had bad moments with her to help me get over her but there are just so few and they were always quickly resolved. Mornings and nights are worst right now because we would never miss a text to eachother. I'm tired of going through everyday with cycling rage and depression. I still hadn't cried, I don't want to. I just want her back.

Perhaps date was the wrong term for that though, I'm just meeting a woman to play boardgames with at a pub. I have no romantic intentions at the moment, couldn't stomach it at all.

[Hollandia]

Sorry everyone, I just can't comment on the kids thing anymore. The conversations involving it with her were far and between so I truly can't recall WHAT I actually said and simply WHAT I was just thinking at the time without actually voicing it. I know, it's my fault for not getting a proper resolution for the issue but with her in school and me working and about to return to education, it just wasn't the time I felt. For what it's worth, I completely believe I would be a great father and would deeply love my biological children, 'mistake' or not. I had a great father and if put in that position, I would had done my best to follow his example.

I interpret somethings on here as an attack on her character though, I'm not sure if they're purely ment to cheer me up. She was truly the most loving person I had ever met. Woke up at 4AM everytime and walked out to the cold morings just to see me off for work when we were phycially together, always asked how I felt about things, was never before emotionally/physically abusive, just the nicest person I ever met. My family adored her. You have no idea how out of character this whole thing is for her. I wish I had bad moments with her to help me get over her but there are just so few and they were always quickly resolved. Mornings and nights are worst right now because we would never miss a text to eachother. I'm tired of going through everyday with cycling rage and depression. I still hadn't cried, I don't want to. I just want her back.

Perhaps date was the wrong term for that though, I'm just meeting a woman to play boardgames with at a pub. I have no romantic intentions at the moment, couldn't stomach it at all.

Your still in pain and you just want her back, but would the person that you thought she was hurt you in such a way? Would they break up over a text? Would they see someone else behind your back. It's pretty amazing you still feel a need to defend her. My Ex was sweet at times too, but that does not lessen the bad things that he did. You need to get to a point where you take her off that pedestal and see her for who she is and not what you thought she was. She was loyal and loving to you until she decided you were not the person for her and then she found someone else, lied to you about why she wanted to break up and left you for him.

It's not your fault at all. Nobody should ever have to assume that their loved one would ever do something like this to them.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Without fanning the flames too much, I think the attacking language against Fretboard is unwarranted and that his posts were both misinterpreted, and very valuable/have some potential truths. There are 2 things being conflated.. that the OPs girlfriend ended things in a very disrespectful, betraying way and that they might not have been compatible.

Ending things disrespectfully, betraying him, not being upfront about there being someone else, is ALL bad, and not the OP's fault, and it sucks and I'm sorry you have to deal with that, OP.
The compatibility part is simply a "but maybe it's for the best." Or a "in the long run, this might work out better for you." We say that to people (and mean it) all the time when a relationship ends with less than ideal parts.

In this case, it's simply "she didn't have the decency to discuss it out with you, is that someone you want to be with?" and "If you think you don't want kids, maybe you guys aren't compatible since she does, and it's long-term better that this got resolved now."


In any event, I'm sorry that it worked out this way, OP, and I hope you're able to move past it healthily and use it as a learning experience for yourself.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Your still in pain and you just want her back, but would the person that you thought she was hurt you in such a way? Would they break up over a text? Would they see someone else behind her back. It's pretty amazing you still feel a need to defend her. My Ex was sweet at times too, but that does not lessen the bad things that he did. You need to get to a point where you take her off that pedestal on see her for who she is and not what you thought she was. She was loyal and loving to you until she decided you were not the person for her and then she found someone else, lied to you about why she wanted to break up and left you for him.

It's not your fault at all. Nobody should ever have to assume that their loved one would ever do something like this to them.

Agree with all of this.

There are probably plenty of ways that she's a good person, OP, but the way she treated you wasn't one of them, and indicates that there was some level of lack of respect for your feelings, and your relationship together. Most people find ways to be good people in general to their partners during a relationship, but how people choose to break things off often shows much more about their character.

[Deleted]

Without fanning the flames too much, I think the attacking language against Fretboard is unwarranted and that his posts were both misinterpreted, and very valuable/have some potential truths. There are 2 things being conflated.. that the OPs girlfriend ended things in a very disrespectful, betraying way and that they might not have been compatible.

Ending things disrespectfully, betraying him, not being upfront about there being someone else, is ALL bad, and not the OP's fault, and it sucks and I'm sorry you have to deal with that, OP.
The compatibility part is simply a "but maybe it's for the best." Or a "in the long run, this might work out better for you." We say that to people (and mean it) all the time when a relationship ends with less than ideal parts.

In this case, it's simply "she didn't have the decency to discuss it out with you, is that someone you want to be with?" and "If you think you don't want kids, maybe you guys aren't compatible since she does, and it's long-term better that this got resolved now."


In any event, I'm sorry that it worked out this way, OP, and I hope you're able to move past it healthily and use it as a learning experience for yourself.

I agree with all of this.

I'm glad you're getting out of the house and going out and doing things...it really helps to distract yourself. OP, remember to take time for yourself...you deserve to find love and I promise you will someday. I'm here if you want to talk!

[throwaway321]

Yeah, I'm sorry all, I know I'm just dragging this all on needlessly and I know no one here is a telepath. I didn't want to reveal too many details because I do respect privacy, but when I asked her if she brought the new guy back to her home, she said a few times. I messaged a few of her family members (she still lives at her parents') on Monday, what they thought of the new guy and they all said they had only met him that day. I figured they were lying just to cover for her and told them she 'told me the truth' but they all stuck to their story and sounded legitmately confused. So she lied about her lie? I just don't understand anything that's coming out of her mouth, well hands, because she still hasn't actualy spoken to me since the breakup.

I realize I should stop snooping and playing detective because ultimately nothing will come out of it but what a ****ing waste of 4 years.

[Deleted]

Yeah, I'm sorry all, I know I'm just dragging this all on needlessly and I know no one here is a telepath. I didn't want to reveal too many details because I do respect privacy, but when I asked her if she brought the new guy back to her home, she said a few times. I messaged a few of her family members (she still lives at her parents') on Monday, what they thought of the new guy and they all said they had only met him that day. I figured they were lying just to cover for her and told them she 'told me the truth' but they all stuck to their story and sounded legitmately confused. So she lied about her lie? I just don't get anything that's coming out of her head.

I realize I should stop snooping and playing detective because ultiamtely nothing will come out of it but what a ****ing waste of 4 years

As a serial Internet stalker myself, I will agree that it is a waste of time, as fun as it is. ^^;

Talking to her and her family about the new guy will only make it worse.