Salvaging a breakup?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I think it'll just be more painful to ask the family for the inside scoop, and might also piss her off if they mention you're doing that.

I know it sucks, and it's hard, and it feels like it was a wasted 4 years, but if nothing else, it'll probably end up showing you some things about what you do and don't want in your next relationships, and in time maybe you can appreciate it as 4 years of memories and learning.

Hang in there.

[Chillosaurus]

Eh? And how did you come to this damning conclusion?

He said it would be something he would be doing only for her. Kids should not be a compromise. Also, as others have pointed out, it is not "damning" as this is something that can change over time or/and when he gets thrown into that situation.

[...]And you are clearly wrong about the girl's motive because she initially lied about the reason for breaking up.

That has nothing to do with it. There are certainly several factors playing a role and there is certainly reason for her falling out of commitment/love/respect to him.
We can make a very good guess about that, but I don't think that it would be appreciated...

Way to kick a person when they're down.

Really; is this what you read out of it, when I answer his questions and tell him that I feel sorry for him???

[ThePiedPiper]

No one is saying he'd be a bad father because he's too young to obviously know what he wants for the rest of his life. They're saying that having children for the sake of a partner is no different to keeping a marriage going for the sole sake of the kids. No idea why this erupted into such a massive argument because not wanting kids and ONLY wanting kids for your girlfriend are two very different things. Secondly, I don't know about you, but at 23, I wouldn't wait around to know whether or not my boyfriend loves cats as much as I do (and would be fine with cats instead of children) because I know where I'm at with it now. He doesn't have to know where he's at, but I don't want to wait 10 years to find out he still wants only one cat and three kids. :/

That said, what she did was a shitty thing and I'm sorry it happened. And sorry to hijack the thread, too, but people are arguing over things that were never said so I had to step in and give my 2c.

[whatruckus]

Hi everyone thanks for all the advice/suggestions while I don't agree with everything that has been said, I appreciate you taking the time to share you thoughts. I'm coming to grips with her being gone but I'm still just so dumbfounded about how or why it happened. Someone commented that she was scared of commitment but she was the first to bring up the idea of marriage and it was heavily implied that we would get married once she finally finished school because she always talked about wanting to move in with me after. I mean hell after I told my family, they were completely floored and honestly thought I was joking initially. I just don't get it. Still angry at myself and disappointed in her.

First of all, I agree with Hollandia when she said that you need to stop putting your ex on a pedestal. My ex also brought up marriage and kids first in our relationship, way before I was ready to think about it. Marriage/kids and living together was something we talked daily about. Didn't mean anything, he still cheated on me and lied when we broke up. Being the first one to bring something up, or often, means nothing sometimes.

I would also advise you to stop talking to her family/friends about her and trying to get any details about her new life, as well as this new guy she's with. You're just going to cause more trouble for yourself, and her. Not to mention, if you still want to be with her, and if there's even a sliver of a chance that you two might get back together, you're already burning that bridge. Plus, you're just going to keep hurting yourself more and more. It's really better that you dont know anything about her for now. Ignorance is bliss in some cases.

I really don't think that the whole kids thing is the only reason why she broke up with you. Especially if she was so willing to meet with someone else behind your back, there were probably other underlying issues. Especially since you say that this break up came out of the blue, and in the horrible way that it did. But, seeing as she doesn't really want to contact you, or anything, it's best to just leave it at that. I'm not going to sit here and scold you for not wanting kids, because hell, I'm still unsure myself sometimes. Lots of older people I've talked to said that sometimes, the urge to want kids comes out of no where, and/or when you do have your own kid, your instincts will kick in no problem. So just because you don't feel like you want them now, it doesn't matter. You're young. You have plenty of time. Don't worry about it.

I think you should just keep yourself busy with work/school/friends/family for now. Take your mind off of her. It hurts a lot and super sucks right now because it just happened. Believe me, I know. I also think that you should probably cut contact outlets with her, for now, in case she does try to contact you. You need time to yourself to heal and get your head straight. You don't want to be sucked into being back with her again, only to have her do the same thing, because you still miss her.

[throwaway321]

I thought it would get better after a few days but it's not; I know it's just best to walk away.

I tried running today and quickly ran out of fuel, even something as simple as that freaking reminded me of her. We did everything together so I'm finding simple hobbies I had hard to do. Not to mention my freaking letter will probably arrive this Saturday after the 4th holiday. I don't even know what I was thinking sending that. I really spilled my heart into it about how much I still cared and loved her. Hopefully she just tears it up without opening.

[Ahava]

I thought it would get better after a few days but it's not; I know it's just best to walk away.

I tried running today and quickly ran out of fuel, even something as simple as that freaking reminded me of her. We did everything together so I'm finding simple hobbies I had hard to do. Not to mention my freaking letter will probably arrive this Saturday after the 4th holiday. I don't even know what I was thinking sending that. I really spilled my heart into it about how much I still cared and loved her. Hopefully she just tears it up without opening.

Don't feel ashamed about the letter, what's done is done. It might also help her wake up and realise what she has done and how much she has hurt you.
Not saying it will bring her back, just that it might be good for her to face your pain to learn from her actions.

[whatruckus]

Don't feel ashamed about the letter, what's done is done. It might also help her wake up and realise what she has done and how much she has hurt you.
Not saying it will bring her back, just that it might be good for her to face your pain to learn from her actions.

Yep!

And, I know everything is going to remind you of her, you guys had a long history. For me, it was the same. My ex's name was Sean and every time I watched Scrubs, it broke my heart because of Ellie's boyfriend (Chris O'Donnell), his name was Sean. -_- Everything we watched, or did, reminded me of him. And, for a little while, it's going to be like that. Then you'll start disassociating things with her and everything will be normal and you'll be able to do all the stuff you did, when you were with her, like it was nothing. She won't even cross your mind. I know it hurts. But, you can always come here and we'll all be here for you. Everyone knows what it's like to go through heartbreak, you are not alone.

Cheer up!

[throwaway321]

At this point all the anger is gone, just sadness. I feel like I'm going to throw up knowing the letter will probably be delivered tomorrow. I'm praying she doesn't try contacting me.

[Hollandia]

At this point all the anger is gone, just sadness. I feel like I'm going to throw up knowing the letter will probably be delivered tomorrow. I'm praying she doesn't try contacting me.

Can you just send her a text and tell her to not open it or to ignore it?

Something like .." Please disregard the letter I sent you. I wrote that in haste and would prefer no further contact with you."

[throwaway321]

I don't have any other means of contacting her. I just want this whole ordeal to be over with, I'm so damn tired of these emotions. Everyday I look at the time just hoping for night to arrive so another day can end. Why do I miss her more everyday.

[Hollandia]

I don't have any other means of contacting her. I just want this whole ordeal to be over with, I'm so damn tired of these emotions. Everyday I look at the time just hoping for night to arrive so another day can end. Why do I miss her more everyday.

It will lessen over time. Do you have some buddies you can go out and do something with? It is best to get out of the house at least once a day. If not, maybe a good video game or some joining a themed chat room. Keep your chin up and please do stick around here regardless.

[throwaway321]

Yeah did some light work outs yesterday, still can't really put any serious efforts into my hobbies or activities yet. That limbo of wanting her back and wanting to move forward. Hopefully week 2 looks brighter days.

[Hollandia]

Yeah did some light work outs yesterday, still can't really put any serious efforts into my hobbies or activities yet. That limbo of wanting her back and wanting to move forward. Hopefully week 2 looks brighter days.

We are here as much as you need us to be.

[throwaway321]

Yes thank you, in an odd way I'm really unfamiliar with LDR since I never really considered ours one and not familiar with relationship forums at all since I just never perceived any issues in ours. Maybe if I had been more aware things could have been different.

[Fretboard_Magic]

I don't have any other means of contacting her. I just want this whole ordeal to be over with, I'm so damn tired of these emotions. Everyday I look at the time just hoping for night to arrive so another day can end. Why do I miss her more everyday.

One thing: what you're going through is a necessary step. It's called the mourning period, and you must go through it. In this case it is actually GOOD to feel the sadness and the emotional pain. It reminds you of what is precious in life. It's the kind of thing that helps us stay human animals. Let go of your inhibitions, cry, exhaust yourself with exercises, maybe get drunk and cry some more if you can make sure it doesn't turn into a habit, embrace it and find a phoenix within you that repeatedly dies and becomes reborn from its ashes.

As for the letter, well, you already sent it initially in the hope to express to her how you felt at the time. If she reads it, then she reads it. If she doesn't then she doesn't. Either way, I don't think it makes much difference at this point the way I see it. The letter will not kill you, it won't land you in jail(I hope not!), it won't kill her(again, I hope not!), and it certainly won't kill us(wait, what kind of highly advanced smidgen of pure hell did ya steal from your military top secret lab and put into that envelope...just kiddin', lol). The only thing the letter is doing by this point is causing you emotional anxiety. So, you might as well stop worrying about it. You wrote it, you sent it, life goes on.

And things WOULD have been different had you been more aware. But again, one can regret one's past actions all one wants and not getting anywhere in the end. What you can do at this time is to learn from the whole experience. And I still say this hasn't been 100% her fault. Look within and improve yourself while you're at it, so your next relationship will be more thriving. This way you can avoid getting yourself into a bad cycle that people often get into where they just keep blaming others without improving themselves.

So, mourn away, die a little inside, then come back to life being a better person than you were yesterday. Good luck soldier. *salutes*