I'm way too confused now

[I_Matt]

Okay, today I finally asked SO if she wanted us to become an "official" LDR couple and asked her out, but well, things didn't went very well.

She told me that even though she loved me, she didn't want to make me suffer and also never liked that thing of having a boyfriend, and that maybe if someday she changes her mind, she would surely tell me. I got very very upset on this (well, who wouldn't) but in the end, we just kept on talking as we always did, even though I knew I had ruined this and that all my hopes for something happening were over.

I really love her, I really miss her when we can't get matching times and I really got upset on this, but I have no idea what to do now. In the past I already tried going out with other girls, but in the end, I always came back to her, since she was someone I knew I could trust and that loved me too (even from afar).
And no, I don't want to leave her, I can't just let her go or say "it's over, goodbye".

Do any of you here ever got to pass through this? Is there any way we can still end up together?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I know it's tough, but I think you need to try to move on.
You can try staying friends if you want, but personally, I would take some time away from each other while you move on a little.

I'm not usually one who says "never" so I won't say that you guys would never be together, but at any rate it doesn't seem like that's going to happen any time soon. So you need to try to find other things to make you happy, and eventually when you're up for it, other girls to date/relationships to try.

[whatruckus]

Honestly, if she says she doesn't want a relationship with you, it is better to just move and say your goodbyes for now. I'd probably not talk to her the same way that you had been talking to her, as in: romantically. Keep it platonic. You don't want to keep dragging yourself down and make things worse.

At this point, I would say to go out and hang out with friends and give other girls a chance. The fact that you never felt anything for these other girls is because you were still holding out hope for this one. You do need to let her go. At least, for the time being. She has made it very clear that she does not want a boyfriend or to be in a relationship with anyone. While she says that she still loves you and all that, it's still not fair to you because you do seem to want a relationship. It's not going to work if one wants it and the other doesn't, unless she decides to come around someday. But, at the same time, I wouldn't hold my breath and I would start looking around.

I'm with silvermoon, I'm not going to say that it's never going to happen, but don't wait around and miss other opportunities that could possibly be better (even though that's something you don't want to think about right now). Give yourself space from her, I'm sure she probably needs some as well as she probably knows she really hurt your feelings.

[I_Matt]

After a long talk with her (and remembering all my and her circumstances) and observing she took it like "nothing happened", I'll just let it be.
Do I like her? Yes, sure I do like her. But I'm not forcing her into something she doesn't wants, neither I'm dumping her, specially because above how much I love her, she's yet a very good friend of mine, she was with me when I was down and when I got dumped by other girls, the same way I was there when the same happened to her (maybe she's fearing the same happening, who knows) - we just don't deserve it.

Also, I haven't cancelled my trip to meet her. She knows this and she agreed with this. We both know that nothing special may happen that day, but hey, it was always like this after all...

[whatruckus]

After a long talk with her (and remembering all my and her circumstances) and observing she took it like "nothing happened", I'll just let it be.
Do I like her? Yes, sure I do like her. But I'm not forcing her into something she doesn't wants, neither I'm dumping her, specially because above how much I love her, she's yet a very good friend of mine, she was with me when I was down and when I got dumped by other girls, the same way I was there when the same happened to her (maybe she's fearing the same happening, who knows) - we just don't deserve it.

Also, I haven't cancelled my trip to meet her. She knows this and she agreed with this. We both know that nothing special may happen that day, but hey, it was always like this after all...

I'm not even sure if this trip is still a good idea, especially after this happened.

[snow]

Just because you can't date doesn't mean you can't be friends. It all depends on whether you would like to be friends with her or not

[I_Matt]

I'm not even sure if this trip is still a good idea, especially after this happened.

In first place, something like this happened in the past. When I first told her that I liked her, she went crazy and even killed all connections to me, just to later say she was so sorry. A few months later she told me she liked me, and I told her I also liked her, we both agreed here. A few other months later she came up with the trip idea and I said I would do it if she wanted. Around the same time I remember she liked a guy (yes we were close to tell the details and stuff) but said he was acting weird on her. Long story story short, a few weeks later she called me and told me she was sad about "people you start liking then just abandon you" and after my attempt to give some sort of support, she told me that I meant lots for her and that I was worth her feelings.

Now, fast-forwarding to today, after everything happened we still talked about the trip and she didn't disagree with it. After reading all that, I somewhat understand why she said no to me, maybe it wasn't even me, but mostly because darn I'm really stupid to forget she was dumped a few weeks ago...

For the sake of everything, life goes on. We kept being good friends and well, let it be.

Just because you can't date doesn't mean you can't be friends. It all depends on whether you would like to be friends with her or not

Well, I agreed in keep being friend, she agreed too. Maybe it's how it should be/happen after all

[whatruckus]

With this new information, it almost seems as if she's keeping you as a back up plan. She had feelings for another guy before, but then she tells you that she loves you too. This makes no sense to me. But, she doesn't want a relationship.

Maybe she's even confused about what she wants...? I don't know.

With your previous thread about wanting to surprise her, we all thought that you two were already dating and said even then that the trip didn't seem like a good idea.

It's also very odd that she seems to freak out every time you tell her about your feelings for her, only to have her come back to you and say that she's "sorry". And, even go as far as cutting you off for a little while. That just doesn't seem to be the type of behavior that someone who cares deeply about you would do, especially if she says she feels the same.

I'm not saying she's a bad person or something, but it's just strange that you said this has happened before. I'm just concerned because I don't want you to get hurt any more than you already have been. It's a huge bummer telling someone your feelings for them and they basically shoot you down.

By all means, you can definitely still be friends with her, but like I said, open yourself up to meeting other people. Try not to get your hopes up with her, especially if you go down there.

Are you going to be staying with her, or somewhere else? You still thinking of flying? Just make sure you bring the right sized items so the airport doesn't give you grief over it. I think as for transportation, what was suggested in the other thread is definitely your best bet.

[I_Matt]

I wouldn't think I was a backup plan since it wasn't that long since she was liking that guy when she told me about he acting weird, plus, if I was meant for something "disposable", then why in first place she would have even trusted me important stuff and told me so many things about her? Atleast I wouldn't trust a "someone" with that amount of stuff about me.

My biggest fear, of course, was that eventually she got into college and we drift even further apart, to a point where the circumstances would cut all our contact once for all. This already happened to me with a friend (not even a closer one, just a normal friend) and I have to say, it was pretty sad that we never talked again.

In a nutshell, I decided to give myself some time. Can we talk? Sure! But I will try to understand and then forget that this happened. This is how I feel like moving on after all.

And also, my trip packaging wouldn't be really something large, just the basic stuff like hygiene stuff, clothing, my laptop, camera, etc. Plus, I wouldn't be traveling directly on her birthday, but a little later, it would be a shame to end up screwing up her big day...

As about we dating, for a little while I thought we were, since she acted like so with me. After all, dating her now is just a distant dream, even further than our distance apart...

After all, thank you very much for your replies and your support, both on this and on my previous posts.

[Miasmata]

Staying friends is definitely something that's possible, but it requires plenty of communication and honesty, both with her and yourself. If it hurts you too much to be around her because it makes you think too much about what could have been, it's not going to be healthy for you. Make sure to be absolutely honest with yourself in that department, it'll save you a lot of pain.

Don't hold your breath for her return. No means no, and unless she states directly and openly that she changed her mind, don't assume she will. Take good care of yourself and focus on what's good for you and your future. That's always beneficial, no matter where things go.

[Hollandia]

Staying friends is definitely something that's possible, but it requires plenty of communication and honesty, both with her and yourself. If it hurts you too much to be around her because it makes you think too much about what could have been, it's not going to be healthy for you. Make sure to be absolutely honest with yourself in that department, it'll save you a lot of pain.

Don't hold your breath for her return. No means no, and unless she states directly and openly that she changed her mind, don't assume she will. Take good care of yourself and focus on what's good for you and your future. That's always beneficial, no matter where things go.

This is the dangerous part of it. I tried to remain friends with my first serious love after he broke up with me and it ended up causing me such pain, I had to cut all ties. No matter how hard I tried to be okay with the change in the relationship, I could not stop wanting him to love me in that way. No more "I love yous" and he watched what he said and did when anything romantic was on Tv or a movie or any part of that subject came up. He needed to make damn sure I knew what my position was and that it was not to ever be romantic with him again. I cried myself to sleep half the times I had contact with him and in the end got angry at him for putting me in that position and cut the ties, mourned him truly and moved on.

The only way it will work as friends is if you look at it as NEVER happening. Be okay with the idea of her being with someone else and never holding your hand, or hugging you or kissing you ever again. She's not your SO and never will be. If you can handle that, then you can be friends, if you can't then you are just setting yourself up for a world of hurt and kidding yourself. I would most definitely not take that trip unless you are okay with her openly flirty with other guys when you are there, because quite frankly, she can, you two are not dating and there is no reason that she should not date or flirt or do whatever she wants whether you are here or there. I think it is unfair of her not to tell you this when she knows how you feel.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I'm with Whatruckus, Miasmata, and Hollandia on this.

I've been there, too, good friends with an unrequited love. It's incredibly painful, and usually unhealthy to put yourself through that. I'd strongly reconsider the trip, and keeping the friendship right now while you need to heal.

[whatruckus]

I wouldn't think I was a backup plan since it wasn't that long since she was liking that guy when she told me about he acting weird, plus, if I was meant for something "disposable", then why in first place she would have even trusted me important stuff and told me so many things about her? Atleast I wouldn't trust a "someone" with that amount of stuff about me.

My biggest fear, of course, was that eventually she got into college and we drift even further apart, to a point where the circumstances would cut all our contact once for all. This already happened to me with a friend (not even a closer one, just a normal friend) and I have to say, it was pretty sad that we never talked again.

In a nutshell, I decided to give myself some time. Can we talk? Sure! But I will try to understand and then forget that this happened. This is how I feel like moving on after all.

And also, my trip packaging wouldn't be really something large, just the basic stuff like hygiene stuff, clothing, my laptop, camera, etc. Plus, I wouldn't be traveling directly on her birthday, but a little later, it would be a shame to end up screwing up her big day...

As about we dating, for a little while I thought we were, since she acted like so with me. After all, dating her now is just a distant dream, even further than our distance apart...

After all, thank you very much for your replies and your support, both on this and on my previous posts.

That's the tricky thing about people sometimes. I felt the same as you with my ex, he told me everything, even things his own family didn't know about him (for a while, I was one of the only people who knew he had a son that got adopted), but it didn't change the fact that I simply ended up being his fall-back when we would break up and he'd get bored with the other girls he was flirting with.

As for the drifting, sometimes it just happens. Even when you try really hard to prevent it. I have a few friends that I was extremely close with when we were growing up, but once we separated after High School, we drifted. I still get sad sometimes because I wish we were all still that close.

I'm just going to say be careful when you do go visit her.

Also, I totally agree with Misamata, Hollandia, and silvermoon. Which is why I say be careful. Just make sure you are truly ready and able to handle not talking to her/being with her in a romantic way, as well as her possibly flirting, maybe even talking to other guys while you're there, and just overall in general.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Oh man, I agree with Silvermoonfairy and anyone else who might say "reconsider the trip idea!". I personally don't think you should go at all.

The whole thing makes me cringe a bit because I was once in a particular situation that was slightly similar to yours, Matt. Mind you, this girl ended up NOT being a really good friend in the end...even though we're still "friends". And plus she had a lot of personal issues to work out, too. So I guess maybe your situation is a bit different. But what happened (a totally short version!) was that we met on the internet, became pretty good online friends, then became mutually attracted to each other, 'fessed up, then she goes out and sleeps with her best friend the NEXT DAY. And yet I was understanding about the whole thing, and why? Because I loved her. It obviously hurt, but I put up with it. Hell, I even knew that would happen deep down in my heart. But this girl had some mental issues, and she would also repeatedly give me silent treatment. And when she was doing well, she and I would talk about a lot of personal stuff. In the end, the whole experience fucked me up a bit mentally and that also promoted a physical condition. You don't wanna know what happened.

Oddly enough, one of my best friends is this girl I've known for like 18 years now. We didn't meet online, though. This was before the internet became such a world standard. I always had a huge thing for her, and I asked her out not once, but twice! And of course, got turned down both times, LOL. But in this case, we're still amazing friends, meaning it really is possible to remain friends with someone you once had strong romantic feelings for. I really DO perceive this friendship to be totally different compared to the one I maintain with the girl I've just talked about in my previous paragraph, though. I can still talk to my best friend openly about damned near everything, but we're both emotionally at ease in terms of where we stand, and by now we really just perceive each other as the siblings that we've always been but WITHOUT any potentially troublesome feelings on my part. With the other girl, I was always trying "too hard" even though I couldn't see it at the time. I was always trying to be too understanding about her situation when I shouldn't have put up with all the crap that came with the territory in the first place. She and I don't talk that often any more, but that's okay. I wish her well, life goes on. But when you DO find someone who is right for you, you find yourself being amazed by how easy-breezy it is to nurture a relationship with them, generally speaking.

So yeah, my advice is, don't go on this trip while you still have romantic feelings for her. It's way too risky at this time and I can see you getting your heart crushed. BADLY. I totally would have gone to meet that girl I was just talking about had I been able to myself, but now I know that if I had, then I probably would have become even more severely traumatized in a mental/emotional sense. Let this one go, is all I gotta say about that. *does Forrest Gump southern accent*

[I_Matt]

In first place, I would like to thanks everybody for their contributions on my situation (and on past posts too). We had a serious talk after letting some time pass, so we could think with a more "clearer mind" and ended sorting up everything and we are following our own ways, just as friends. Other than this, I won't be updating the post with the status, since I guess we already came to a conclusion.

About the trip, I'm really not sure whether I will do it after all, better decide if I should do it or not in the future, when I'm better minded than now. Probably not.

Again, thanks everybody.